Thursday, April 9, 2015

Since I've Been Away

The Bad. / The Good. / The Great. The Noticings and Wonderings. /  and For You (whoever reads this)

The Bad:
I get very lonely.
I am now in week 6 of stomach jitters (about loneliness and future).
One day last week I felt like wanted to die.
I am having a very bad time forgiving myself for my past lacks and actions...
I have grown a LOT. But I do wish I were here where I am now inside, at age 23-25!
Littler but still: I need work here on house omg. Dark - electrician issues - outdoors a horrible broken mess - need new bed - bathroom a horrible broken mess.. Money, overwhelming feeling...

The Good:
That awful thing last weekwhen felt wanted to die, I did get through it. I ran to computer to friend, AND shoveled greens in my mouth. It only happened twice and for about 10 minutes each time. Not weeks straight like a few years ago!
I am asked to share more about mindfulness. Which is wonderful. And will also push me to DO it more!
I have a wonderful class.
Everything is breaking but I am able to replace. So ordered new tv and new car.
Finally found snow removal guy helped a lot this winter.
I am a coach now, beachbody. I don't make money in fact it costs me lol but I enjoy it at this level! Helping others and being part of this particular team of positive nice people! And it expands my life. And keeps me from boredom at night when lonely.

The Great:
At Best Buy had a major revelation. I think I'll have to write about it separately. It is the hugest lifetime revelation.
I am eating so much better.
I am working out.
I am losing weight.
I am gaining energy, strength, and confidence.
I am able to pull myself back when falling, better than before.
I am really enjoying piano! And French!
I appreciate my work.

The Noticings and Wonderings:
W - I wonder if other people find life hard. I think it's hard. WORTH IT! But hard. It's work to be happy. Especially with lots of childhood damage.
N - I KNOW how important nutrition and moving my body are to my emotional health. I KNOW it now! From experience!
N - I have hope.
N - I enjoy something each day. I make sure to.
N - Work is important for me, in terms of not falling.

For YOU if You're Reading This:
Oh do not give up on yourself. I am so late at coming to healing. But yay that I've been coming to it. Better now than never oh yes.
Eat some green vegetables.
Workout.
Meditate even just focus on breathing 2 minutes a day is something.
Get out. Get outside get outside get outside. Even the first minute can change your mood.
Plan things. I have an event this month and one in July paid for and planned. Things to look forward to.
Keep up with your daily shit. I have paid a price for falling behind because "too emotion to bring up stuff from car (hello filthy car people couldn't even fit in and would walk by and talk about) or pay parking ticket, or fight red light ticket that was wrong (hello scrambling around on last day possible to avoid car boot, in GHETTO, with 300 cash I owed!) or deal with hsn when they sent letter because I'd changed credit cards after hacked and I forgot about it (hello collections agency). This cleaner feeling is worth the doing! Learn from my mistakes.


E.J.

Hi Hon, I only just this minute saw your comment and hi and thank you! It won't let me reply so I've written here. I am about to catch up and keep up with blog again, but I'm ok.
Love to you!!