Dear God,
You know the thoughts I've been having.
Please help me.
This is very hard right now.
I value my life. I value the gift of life you've given me.
Please, give me breath. And give me the will and strength and courage to live this live you've given me.
Please help me.
Please help J to see why he loved me so much for over 20 years and come out of this mid-life crisis thing.
Going to do some gratitudes right now...
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
CoDA Work This Morning
Thank you, God, for this day.
I woke up and I feel:
Horrible.
I'm breathless.
I feel like I can't even do the feelings magnets.
But I'll try.
I feel kind of more numb than anything.
Which isn't good, CoDA-wise. Supposed to get in touch with feelings.
Okay. So.
I woke up an I feel:
1. Lonely, hindered, sad, regretful, left out, frightened, broken, desolate, encumbered, bypassed, disconnected, estranged, inept
AND
2. Defeated
AND
3. Blessed, grateful, sacred
AND
4. Hand issues
AND
5. Healthy
AND
6. Loving, in a way
I think it is because:
1. J.
J waning to be without me.
Thanksgiving.
All those years we couldn't see his family, because of him. And now he does. And *I* want to!
When he starts feeling better about himself, he dumps me.
I have to not see my mother on Thanksgiving, in order for her to not know about us, which makes me feel literally sick. Literally.
All these people - I just - lost.
2. Foodwise
3. I know I have a million things to be grateful for, and how much worse it could be.
4. Don't know why. Salt?
5. Chest getting better?
Healthy overall. And very grateful for that.
6. Loving, in a way. But toward J. So not good.
I acted out codependently:
Ate too much last night.
Still haven't fixed bed.
I know. I know.
I'm sorry and embarrassed enough.
Doing all I can to get through.
Next time I'll do differently:
Pray for help more.
I woke up and I feel:
Horrible.
I'm breathless.
I feel like I can't even do the feelings magnets.
But I'll try.
I feel kind of more numb than anything.
Which isn't good, CoDA-wise. Supposed to get in touch with feelings.
Okay. So.
I woke up an I feel:
1. Lonely, hindered, sad, regretful, left out, frightened, broken, desolate, encumbered, bypassed, disconnected, estranged, inept
AND
2. Defeated
AND
3. Blessed, grateful, sacred
AND
4. Hand issues
AND
5. Healthy
AND
6. Loving, in a way
I think it is because:
1. J.
J waning to be without me.
Thanksgiving.
All those years we couldn't see his family, because of him. And now he does. And *I* want to!
When he starts feeling better about himself, he dumps me.
I have to not see my mother on Thanksgiving, in order for her to not know about us, which makes me feel literally sick. Literally.
All these people - I just - lost.
2. Foodwise
3. I know I have a million things to be grateful for, and how much worse it could be.
4. Don't know why. Salt?
5. Chest getting better?
Healthy overall. And very grateful for that.
6. Loving, in a way. But toward J. So not good.
I acted out codependently:
Ate too much last night.
Still haven't fixed bed.
I know. I know.
I'm sorry and embarrassed enough.
Doing all I can to get through.
Next time I'll do differently:
Pray for help more.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
As Long As I
stay in the moment,
I'm okay.
As soon as I worry about the future, even the near future like a day or two away,
I get into trouble.
For example, right now:
I feel relaxed in this moment.
Healthy foods all day. Nice with kiddies. Relaxing right now. Warm and cozy in little house...
As soon as I worry about J and Thanksgiving and my mother and Thanksgiving, and where will J be in a month or 6 or 12 - trouble.
So - mindfulness.
THIS moment is all that exists.
As I have personally in person heard Thich Nhat Hahn say, myself:
"Life is only available in the present moment."
Amen.
I'm okay.
As soon as I worry about the future, even the near future like a day or two away,
I get into trouble.
For example, right now:
I feel relaxed in this moment.
Healthy foods all day. Nice with kiddies. Relaxing right now. Warm and cozy in little house...
As soon as I worry about J and Thanksgiving and my mother and Thanksgiving, and where will J be in a month or 6 or 12 - trouble.
So - mindfulness.
THIS moment is all that exists.
As I have personally in person heard Thich Nhat Hahn say, myself:
"Life is only available in the present moment."
Amen.
CoDA Practice Right Now
So, instead of obsessing about J right this minute,
I need to say to self:
Stop. No.
*Right now* I am watching Koko's Kitten with 44 second graders.
And we are *all* loving it.
And I am typing this. For me.
This minute is about me. Not him.
Okay...
I need to say to self:
Stop. No.
*Right now* I am watching Koko's Kitten with 44 second graders.
And we are *all* loving it.
And I am typing this. For me.
This minute is about me. Not him.
Okay...
Affirmations
I encounter love in all my relationships and I love these encounters.
I deserve love and I get it in abundance.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I love myself and everybody else and in return everybody loves me.
Everywhere I go, I find love. Life is joyous.
My partner and I are perfect match for each other and the love between us is divine.
I give out love and it is returned to me multiplied.
I deserve love and I get it in abundance.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I love myself and everybody else and in return everybody loves me.
Everywhere I go, I find love. Life is joyous.
My partner and I are perfect match for each other and the love between us is divine.
I give out love and it is returned to me multiplied.
Dear God
Dear God,
I need you.
I have waved the white flag.
I give up.
Help me, please.
And please get us back together in your time.
Amen.
I need you.
I have waved the white flag.
I give up.
Help me, please.
And please get us back together in your time.
Amen.
Grats
I am grateful:
1. Kale yesterday
2. And more for today
3. Healthy breakfast soon this morning
4. Some sleep last night
5. Not coughing when lying down
6. Heat in the house
7. New furnace
8. Although I have a cough, I can breathe on my own and am so very grateful for that.
9. The concepts in the book The Secret
10. That J. called last night.
11. And was nice.
12. I think he has some ambivalence. I could be wrong. But I’m grateful if he does.
13. My time with M’s class yesterday.
14. That I gave her the present for her daughters.
15. That I am not sitting here listening to the old furnace making all those noises, and wondering how long it might last.
16. Lifeline with AutoAlert. Maybe I’ll switch to that one for my mother.
17. Soup
18. My eyesight
19. Being more in a state of gratitude lately.
20. Today’s For Today: “It is impossible to live pleasurably without living wisely, well and justly, and impossible to live wisely, well and justly without living pleasurably.” Epicurus
21. “Living pleasurably meant giving myself all the food I wanted when I wanted it.” I am grateful to recognize myself in this line.
22. “Unlike normal people, who partake of the pleasure of eating with moderation, I was hooked on food.” And here too.
23. “Soon, what once seemed pleasurable began exacting a price that drained all my resources – physical, emotional and spiritual.” Yes. And it’s a gift that that happens.
24. “I learned what all addicts eventually come to know: it is impossible to use any substance or activity to excess – be it food, alcohol, drugs or gambling – and live either wisely or pleasurably.” I’m glad to be hearing this and finally figuring it out.
25. “For today: I ask the help of a Power greater tan myself to moderate my eating and give myself the pleasure of living wisely, well and justly.”
26. And this is true with tv also. I’m glad that last night I did a little piano during tv time.
27. I’m glad that I don’t eat palm oil anymore, because of the unbearably things I saw that they do to the orangutans.
28. And that Earth Balance does not do that, according to their long explanatory statement that Mad showed me
29. Oh wow. This is deep. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “I used to want things to be clearly black or white, so the rules were known and static. That way when I emerged from a time lost to bingeing, nothing would have changed.” Yes. I recognize that. A lot.
30. “I don’t want that anymore.
31. “This is stagnation and a slow, agonizing death at the hands of my disease of compulsive overeating.” Yes. Wow.
32. “Today I know that change is constant.
33. “I can choose to judge that as a negative, victimizing problem, or as a dynamic evolution toward a healthy, happy, and hopeful reality filled with wonder and awe.
34. “I choose the wonder and awe when I ‘assume a posture of humility,’
35. “give thanks for my life to my Higher Power
36. “and ask for another day of abstinence
37. “and the opportunity to do service for others.”
38. Today’s In This Moment: “I was brought up with the ‘food will solve everything’ mentality. Fall down? Have a cookie. Relationship problems? Ice cream to the rescue. Bad day at work? Donuts in the break room.
39. “I now realize that when I’m craving chocolate there’s usually something going on internally; an issue needs to be dealt with.
40. “…but I also need to take some action: call a friend, go to a meeting, connect with my sponsor, or write in my journal.
41. “Food doesn’t solve my problems.”
42. And that is in the CoDA book, not the OA book. Guess I needed to see that too.
43. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Gratitude and acceptance are two magic tricks available to us in recovery.
44. “No matter who we are, where we are, or what we have, gratitude and acceptance work.
45. “We may eventually become so happy that we realize our present circumstances are good.” Oh yay!
46. “Or we master our present circumstances and then move forward into the next set of circumstances.” Ok too.
47. “If we become stuck, miserable, feeling trapped and hopeless, try gratitude and acceptance.
48. “If we have tried unsuccessfully to alter our present circumstances and have begun to feel like we’re beating our head against a brick wall, try gratitude and acceptance.
49. “If we feel like all is dark and the night will never end, try gratitude and acceptance.
50. “If we feel scared and uncertain, try gratitude and acceptance.
51. “If we’ve tried everything else and nothing seems to work, try gratitude and acceptance.
52. “If we’ve been fighting something, try gratitude and acceptance.
53. “When all else fails, go back to the basics.
54. “Gratitude and acceptance work.
55. “Today, God, help me let go of my resistance.
56. “Help me know that pain of a circumstance will stop hurting so much if I accept it.” Oh I hope so.
57. “I will practice the basics of gratitude and acceptance in my life, and for all my present circumstance.” Okay. Must do that. Yes.
58. That I can swallow.
59. That my heart works
60. And my lungs
61. And I do not have any dread disease (except compulsive overeating).
62. That I have been to Disneyland
63. I am grateful that J loved me for as long as he did, and that he may still.
64. I am grateful for warm clothes.
65. And that I will buy a coat soon, I think.
66. And even makeup.
67. And a little perfume.
68. And the shopping fun I’ve had with O.
69. And reading with MA.
70. Water
71. Word Mines – Dell
72. Spellathon
73. Figgerits
74. Quotation Puzzles
75. Baths
76. Showers
77. Phone calls
78. Hot lunch for today
79. Greens for today
80. Hot tea
81. When not talking, not coughing.
82. Used a couple minutes to practice piano last night.
83. Traffic reports
84. Weather reports
85. That I’ve never been in a really serious accident with long-term bodily damage.
86. That I healed from that accident that cost me a year.
87. Hope.
88. Good books.
89. Boggle
90. That I’m not quite as shy and scared as I used to be.
91. God in my life
92. Eating better
93. My hands
94. And all they can do. Typing.
95. Piano
96. Writing
97. Sewing
98. Embroidery
99. Crochet
100. Knitting
1. Kale yesterday
2. And more for today
3. Healthy breakfast soon this morning
4. Some sleep last night
5. Not coughing when lying down
6. Heat in the house
7. New furnace
8. Although I have a cough, I can breathe on my own and am so very grateful for that.
9. The concepts in the book The Secret
10. That J. called last night.
11. And was nice.
12. I think he has some ambivalence. I could be wrong. But I’m grateful if he does.
13. My time with M’s class yesterday.
14. That I gave her the present for her daughters.
15. That I am not sitting here listening to the old furnace making all those noises, and wondering how long it might last.
16. Lifeline with AutoAlert. Maybe I’ll switch to that one for my mother.
17. Soup
18. My eyesight
19. Being more in a state of gratitude lately.
20. Today’s For Today: “It is impossible to live pleasurably without living wisely, well and justly, and impossible to live wisely, well and justly without living pleasurably.” Epicurus
21. “Living pleasurably meant giving myself all the food I wanted when I wanted it.” I am grateful to recognize myself in this line.
22. “Unlike normal people, who partake of the pleasure of eating with moderation, I was hooked on food.” And here too.
23. “Soon, what once seemed pleasurable began exacting a price that drained all my resources – physical, emotional and spiritual.” Yes. And it’s a gift that that happens.
24. “I learned what all addicts eventually come to know: it is impossible to use any substance or activity to excess – be it food, alcohol, drugs or gambling – and live either wisely or pleasurably.” I’m glad to be hearing this and finally figuring it out.
25. “For today: I ask the help of a Power greater tan myself to moderate my eating and give myself the pleasure of living wisely, well and justly.”
26. And this is true with tv also. I’m glad that last night I did a little piano during tv time.
27. I’m glad that I don’t eat palm oil anymore, because of the unbearably things I saw that they do to the orangutans.
28. And that Earth Balance does not do that, according to their long explanatory statement that Mad showed me
29. Oh wow. This is deep. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “I used to want things to be clearly black or white, so the rules were known and static. That way when I emerged from a time lost to bingeing, nothing would have changed.” Yes. I recognize that. A lot.
30. “I don’t want that anymore.
31. “This is stagnation and a slow, agonizing death at the hands of my disease of compulsive overeating.” Yes. Wow.
32. “Today I know that change is constant.
33. “I can choose to judge that as a negative, victimizing problem, or as a dynamic evolution toward a healthy, happy, and hopeful reality filled with wonder and awe.
34. “I choose the wonder and awe when I ‘assume a posture of humility,’
35. “give thanks for my life to my Higher Power
36. “and ask for another day of abstinence
37. “and the opportunity to do service for others.”
38. Today’s In This Moment: “I was brought up with the ‘food will solve everything’ mentality. Fall down? Have a cookie. Relationship problems? Ice cream to the rescue. Bad day at work? Donuts in the break room.
39. “I now realize that when I’m craving chocolate there’s usually something going on internally; an issue needs to be dealt with.
40. “…but I also need to take some action: call a friend, go to a meeting, connect with my sponsor, or write in my journal.
41. “Food doesn’t solve my problems.”
42. And that is in the CoDA book, not the OA book. Guess I needed to see that too.
43. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Gratitude and acceptance are two magic tricks available to us in recovery.
44. “No matter who we are, where we are, or what we have, gratitude and acceptance work.
45. “We may eventually become so happy that we realize our present circumstances are good.” Oh yay!
46. “Or we master our present circumstances and then move forward into the next set of circumstances.” Ok too.
47. “If we become stuck, miserable, feeling trapped and hopeless, try gratitude and acceptance.
48. “If we have tried unsuccessfully to alter our present circumstances and have begun to feel like we’re beating our head against a brick wall, try gratitude and acceptance.
49. “If we feel like all is dark and the night will never end, try gratitude and acceptance.
50. “If we feel scared and uncertain, try gratitude and acceptance.
51. “If we’ve tried everything else and nothing seems to work, try gratitude and acceptance.
52. “If we’ve been fighting something, try gratitude and acceptance.
53. “When all else fails, go back to the basics.
54. “Gratitude and acceptance work.
55. “Today, God, help me let go of my resistance.
56. “Help me know that pain of a circumstance will stop hurting so much if I accept it.” Oh I hope so.
57. “I will practice the basics of gratitude and acceptance in my life, and for all my present circumstance.” Okay. Must do that. Yes.
58. That I can swallow.
59. That my heart works
60. And my lungs
61. And I do not have any dread disease (except compulsive overeating).
62. That I have been to Disneyland
63. I am grateful that J loved me for as long as he did, and that he may still.
64. I am grateful for warm clothes.
65. And that I will buy a coat soon, I think.
66. And even makeup.
67. And a little perfume.
68. And the shopping fun I’ve had with O.
69. And reading with MA.
70. Water
71. Word Mines – Dell
72. Spellathon
73. Figgerits
74. Quotation Puzzles
75. Baths
76. Showers
77. Phone calls
78. Hot lunch for today
79. Greens for today
80. Hot tea
81. When not talking, not coughing.
82. Used a couple minutes to practice piano last night.
83. Traffic reports
84. Weather reports
85. That I’ve never been in a really serious accident with long-term bodily damage.
86. That I healed from that accident that cost me a year.
87. Hope.
88. Good books.
89. Boggle
90. That I’m not quite as shy and scared as I used to be.
91. God in my life
92. Eating better
93. My hands
94. And all they can do. Typing.
95. Piano
96. Writing
97. Sewing
98. Embroidery
99. Crochet
100. Knitting
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