Since I've Been Away

The Bad. / The Good. / The Great. The Noticings and Wonderings. /  and For You (whoever reads this)

The Bad:
I get very lonely.
I am now in week 6 of stomach jitters (about loneliness and future).
One day last week I felt like wanted to die.
I am having a very bad time forgiving myself for my past lacks and actions...
I have grown a LOT. But I do wish I were here where I am now inside, at age 23-25!
Littler but still: I need work here on house omg. Dark - electrician issues - outdoors a horrible broken mess - need new bed - bathroom a horrible broken mess.. Money, overwhelming feeling...

The Good:
That awful thing last weekwhen felt wanted to die, I did get through it. I ran to computer to friend, AND shoveled greens in my mouth. It only happened twice and for about 10 minutes each time. Not weeks straight like a few years ago!
I am asked to share more about mindfulness. Which is wonderful. And will also push me to DO it more!
I have a wonderful class.
Everything is breaking but I am able to replace. So ordered new tv and new car.
Finally found snow removal guy helped a lot this winter.
I am a coach now, beachbody. I don't make money in fact it costs me lol but I enjoy it at this level! Helping others and being part of this particular team of positive nice people! And it expands my life. And keeps me from boredom at night when lonely.

The Great:
At Best Buy had a major revelation. I think I'll have to write about it separately. It is the hugest lifetime revelation.
I am eating so much better.
I am working out.
I am losing weight.
I am gaining energy, strength, and confidence.
I am able to pull myself back when falling, better than before.
I am really enjoying piano! And French!
I appreciate my work.

The Noticings and Wonderings:
W - I wonder if other people find life hard. I think it's hard. WORTH IT! But hard. It's work to be happy. Especially with lots of childhood damage.
N - I KNOW how important nutrition and moving my body are to my emotional health. I KNOW it now! From experience!
N - I have hope.
N - I enjoy something each day. I make sure to.
N - Work is important for me, in terms of not falling.

For YOU if You're Reading This:
Oh do not give up on yourself. I am so late at coming to healing. But yay that I've been coming to it. Better now than never oh yes.
Eat some green vegetables.
Workout.
Meditate even just focus on breathing 2 minutes a day is something.
Get out. Get outside get outside get outside. Even the first minute can change your mood.
Plan things. I have an event this month and one in July paid for and planned. Things to look forward to.
Keep up with your daily shit. I have paid a price for falling behind because "too emotion to bring up stuff from car (hello filthy car people couldn't even fit in and would walk by and talk about) or pay parking ticket, or fight red light ticket that was wrong (hello scrambling around on last day possible to avoid car boot, in GHETTO, with 300 cash I owed!) or deal with hsn when they sent letter because I'd changed credit cards after hacked and I forgot about it (hello collections agency). This cleaner feeling is worth the doing! Learn from my mistakes.

I Am Almost Afraid to Say This

Almost.
But not quite!

I am fine. I am happy. I am ok.
I wake up feeling good.
I fall asleep feeling good.
I take care of my home and put things away when I use them.
I do laundry once or twice a week.
I keep up with my haircuts.
I take care of precious birds.
I look good enough for work in terms of clothes..
i am losing weight and it shows.
I am getting lots of compliments.
I am helping others to lose weidht, to eat better, to exercise.
*I* exercise.
I cook.
I take care of my car.
I take care of bills.
I am saving a little someting.
I am teaching weel.
I get along with people at work.
I have energy.


I love practicing and playing piano.
I love reading.
I love embroidery.
I love real foods.
I love just standing at the kitchen sink scrubbing a sweet potato in my immaculate kitchen. Simple, basic things.
I love driving.

I feel like I would be all right in a little flat in another country,
or a cottage in another state,
or a townhouse not too far away from where I live
or right here.
I am all right inside.
I. Am all right inside!

I am fine alone.
I would be fine with J.
I would be fine with someone else.
I would be fine staying alone.
I would "rather" have family but I am better than fine!

I have felt this way for days which may sound little but they are my first days like this ever. NOT about future hope. NOT about a relationship. Just about living.
The miracle that is my life!

I have worked here since 2011 and really all my life avoided or worked on this. Have NEVER felt okay before. Am 59 years old.
*There is hope for you too!*
*Don't quit before the miracle!*

These are the things that helped me most:

• Daily gratitudes
• Couple of good close friends
• Giving to others
• Just kept going as much as could
• Piano
• Exercise
• Real foods
• Prayer
• Work
• Mindfulness meditation a la Thich Nhat Hanh (plumvillage.org)
• Play - movies, books, dinners out, visits
• Reading personal growth books
• Taking a trip alone
• Expanding my number of people in my life including online
• Stepping out of my comfort zone!!

YOU can do it too.

I am so grateful. So grateful.
If you want help, I am not a personal coach, I have a job and do not want another one, but I am SO GRATEFUL that if I can for free help you in any way, please comment and I will always be here for you. I want to help anyone else get from where I was to where I am.

And -
I will continue on here too.

Healing

Some of the work this past year has brought me to my knees. Literally on my knees crying and praying. <Especially the husband stuff.>
Some has brought me soft quiet deep-in-the-gut tears like I'm having even typing this out right now. <Growth can hurt! Remember "growing pains" in your limbs where you were a kid?>
Some has been fun, joyful even. <Job, embroidery, piano, French, friends stuff.>
Some has been just plain HARD! <Job>
Some has been hard but also fun and gained me energy and strength and confidence, and has supplied the missing piece in my easily-spiritual but very-very-lazy-physical-up-'til-now life. <Exercise>
The next step for me is much better eating. I am already better. You can't BE part of this group and not be better. But I need to get better still. And I shall!

Oh My GOSH! HUGE! I NEED to NEVER FORGET THIS!!!!!

I just came from T.C.
As in Teacher's College
As in Columbia University.
Drove in for the day to attend an all-day lecture by Dr. Timothy Rasinski.
Well guess what?
Dr. Timothy Ransinski - renowned reading specialist for over 40 years I think - has done TREMENDOUS things - I've been using 2 of his big hints since last Oct ('13) when I saw him, and

um

HE
had ME
speak!
At Columbia!
With the mic!
And people clapped!
A lot!

And -
and -
and -
HE
asked ME
to work with him and write an article together!
Omg!!!!!!

I may even get to travel out to Ohio where he works with the kids in the reading clinic I forget what it's even called I'm so excited. On the district's budget no less.

Do you see what this MEANS?????
Do you see what this MEANS???????????

It means 3 things!
1.

I had a great day today. Best since London Mar-Apr 2012.  Had nothing to do with J! Neither did London. *I* am doing and enjoying and PASSIONATE ABOUT things that have NOTHING to do with J!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. about which I am PASSIONATE! ~ that I can do and get a little money for even! Beachbody and something with this - consulting? I don't even know but something!

When I retire - I now have TWO THINGS ~
(Not to mention Reiki and mindfulness and helping animals, which wouldn't be for money...)
Not to mention piano
and embroidery
and reading...
I have INTERESTS!!!!
All mine!
reading and words and animals and thready yarny things since my EARLIEST memories! They are real and they are MINE!

And 3.

This is NOT a person who cannot CLEAN HER HOUSE!
And make PHONE CALLS to get things done!

Omg I am SO GRATEFUL that I didn't kill myself!!!!!!!!!!

Oh My Gosh!

I am SO grateful.
To appreciate the gift of life again.
So grateful so grateful so grateful.
I will do anything to hold onto this.
The cleaning up, and eating so carefully, and cooking, and getting sleep and taking a day off (Saturday - I think I need to every week!) and exercising - has brought it all back. Oh so thankful!

Healing

Ok. So. I have figured something out!
I've had real trouble using my kitchen for the past couple of weeks - because I had the mouse! There was some evidence, and then I saw him once omg. I'm sure it was just the one, just for a short time, and that he's gone now.
But in the meantime, I, being not just grossed out but PHOBIC about rodents, could barely go INTO the kitchen except to check that there was no new evidence after I cleaned the few droppings I'd found.
Which meant - I was bringing food in from out a LOT. Like always! And that was not good for my Fix, or my wallet! I was REALLY freaked! Kept a plate, fork, cup in the DEN and washed every time used!!!!
Now all this time I've been little by little sinking. And feeling like a failure and a loser. And that's cyclical of course...
It wasn't until today that I realized: I was living very abnormally again! By avoiding kitchen and having dishes etc all over d.r. table 'cause still afraid of cabinets, and eating from dish in den... too abnormal and set me off!
And - not as good quality food as when I prep it myself!
So - *little by little* - I am taking back my kitchen. Today I was able to make 2 things, 4 servings each. They are in fridge now.
Have cleaned den, bathroom, l.r., and the "big" bird cage cleaning.
Getting there...
For 2 days was on and off having that horrible thought why live? But it is GONE!
I am so glad I made this connection! 
And of course the greens and other good foods I must eat and exercising...

Still Not Right, But

not as bad! phew THAT'S something

I am going to have to cook something. I shall use my titanium pan. It is my favorite. I shall make a veggies and potato and/or healthy grain kind of a thing.

i shall now clean some

then exercise and then more

then piano

then meet M.

i have bought jammies and slippers just now

and will buy more clothes clothes for regular not jammies soon
i will look forward to that
i will look good when go out later

ok
keep going...
keep hope...

Ok, So Here: November:

This is my safe place. I can say anything.
So
Here I go.

For these little 30 days I am going to eat even better.
Although I *have* improved my eating a lot since July 1!
But I am going to do *better!*
If it means more sleep or more piano or more embroidery or more walks or more baths or more money spent on pedis and /or massages and *clothes* (finally)... more visits with my mother, more books, prayer, writing, ... WHATEVER it takes, I am DETERMINED to give up these two things for one little month:

1. Saying bad things to myself or about myself
2. Foods that make me crazy! I already have NO white pasta. I need still LESS white flour. And NO candy!

I WILL have a Shakeology every day because I really notice the difference when I do and when i don't.
I WILL have 3 green veggies a day, every day (at least).
I WILL have 2 fresh or frozen fruits a day, every day.
I WILL drink half my weight in water and tea and Shakeology (and my standard 2 coffees) every day.
I WILL do one 21 Day Fix exercise every day.

And -
I might well add about 10 minutes of Piyo, which I'm just beginning to learn, and which I did today. It stretched me out and made me feel good. I was really careful, but no one I know of does both Fix and Piyo exercise fully every day! I want to follow mySELF for a change though! And I'm not doing all of both! Just a little Piyo each day. Yes.
Most of all, trusting mySELF will be so good for me!
And - begin careful and following my body will be too.

Good.

One. Day. At. A. Time.

Journal

It is November 1 and I will do this for one month as perfectly as I can. Just had coffee and breakfast and now will do some things like piano then exercise.
One day eating perfectly today and my 21 Day Fix exercise - today is Total Body Cardio Fix.
Some cleanup and later embroidery or reading. Perhaps dinner out with MA.
Very lonely and shaky but will keep going. Birds are singing - their cage door is open. I am healthy... Will do this day ... :)

So Tomorrow

I start a new round of 21 Day Fix
and 2 minutes - 2 little minutes - of meditation by self
and clean a lot

Oh - oh - and I have FINALLY started needle work again. And am LOVING it.

Yes

Is good

I am changing.

HUGE

So
I went to sign up for Pinterest,
which I've never liked because I didn't know you could put in your own interests
blah blah blah
I signed up
and guess what?

I have PASSIONS!
Interests - all mine!
And they have nothing at all to do with J or any other guy!

*I do not hate guys - I love them - but everything was always all about them!
This is new!

I am so grateful!

And now... :)

So –

Little by little I will make thse changes

Little by little I AM making these changes

And right now I feel –

Having cleaned a lot, and exercised, and gone to dinner with mother and her aide whom she loves,

That –

Heck

It’s just a mouse!

Hopefully I’ll get him to move away

If I cannot, I will try have a heart, or, the mouse will have to die. I hope not but I’m not sharing my house with it indefinitely. It could be a pregnant she – or coud bring friends… … …!

And I want J. But if he doesn’t want me, oh well.

And if principal continues to not accept my proposal for the extra work (not extra ay, extra work!) this year, so the fuck what.

I am alive and healthy and birdies are well and I am a good person.

And this underscores the need for me to be out and about

And to be with people I love too
And
who appreciate me

PS EJ  - if you see this - I don’t know how to thank you.

Update Since Something Brewing Last Post

 I have been cleaning up.

And I touched my French books. Haven’t had lesson since like July as she went away then I was too busy with beginning of school then she had surgery then I was so down and overwhelmed. Didn’t open then, but touched them, and it felt good. So I left her a message, my dear teacher and new friend, and expect we can start back up first week of November.

I also became DETERMINED to call people to help me here!

I will get basement cleaned out. Clean. Clean for once (cellar). I will get this fucking mouse gone (hopefully not killed but …). I will get the structural stuff fixed.

And maybe a little cosmetics too.

Thanks to beautiful EJ, I feel not as desperate. Will just keep moving.

*Instead of sitting around IM with A all the freakin’ time, will do for OWN self and life and fun too!

So now: 12:30 will exercise then laundry (although scared cause basement… mouse…) more cleanup things (bird cage etc).

Then shower and dinner with mother.

Tonight read and sleep and try to be calm.

Meditate 5 minutes

Much better.

Lesson if you’re reading and suffering, I think is this:

-        Keep DOING. Problems do NOT disappear because you hide from them!

Lesson if you know and care for someone who is suffering, I think is this:

-        Tell something true and positive about self. EJ did that for me, and I cannot tell you how it has uplifted me.

Be gentle with yourself.

I will try to too

More tomorrow.... so busy... but this is real!

What I Love about My Life RIGHT NOW!

1.    My dear birds. I am so grateful that I get to share my life with sweet birds! And that they are happy and healthy and chatting all day and dancing and playing and flying … And eevn cute xo

2.    My great dear students. They are truly their age, not like middle school girls in 7-year-old bodies!

3.    I am so happy to have found the 21 Day Fix! Or rather, that it found me! It showed up on my fb stream one day and wow, it is helping change my life.

4.    I am SO grateful for that Hay House day last Saturday! I will write later about specifically more of what I learned! Needed to “sleep on it,” needed for it to gel. Wow!

5.    I am grateful, very very grateful, for my health!

6.    And I am so happy to have Shakeology.

7.    I love M. and her girls and do SO appreciate them in my life!

8.    I am happy to be employed and doing something meaningful to me.

9.    That I have a home

10.                  That I do not have cancer

11.                  That I am not in an iron lung.

12.                  That I can read.

13.                  That I have so many positive things to read

14.                  That I play piano

15.                  That I have a piano

16.                  That I have a piano in my classroom even too

17.                  That I am smart

18.                  I am grateful for enough money to spend on foods and lots of good foods

19.                  I am so grateful for my improvements in strengths and abilities from the exercising so far already

20.                  And that AS OF LAST NIGHT, it is gelling that I am MORE interested in the feeling in my muscles than in overeating! That is first time ever!

21.                  I am grateful for positive people

22.                  And for hearing about being and allowing and expressing myself.

23.                  I am grateful for Vegetarian Times magazine, which should be coming any day now.

24.                  I am grateful for Barnes & Nobles

25.                  And for my Nook

26.                  And for my laptop

27.                  And for my tv

28.                  And for Cable

29.                  And for electricity

30.                  And for my heated mattress pad, which I’ll be using soon…

31.                  I am grateful that I came home (because ill feeling) yesterday. And lay in dark. With tv soft soft, and birds, and light breeze coming in from open window.

32.                  I am grateful for safety

33.                  That I can drive

34.                  And safely too

35.                  I am so grateful that A helped me today! Was sinking!

36.                  And that I helped L, who was starting to sink too!

37.                  I am grateful that white bean chili is inside cooking right now

38.                  I am grateful that people are noticing that I’m losing weight and getting tighter

39.                  And that I asked M to switch next Sun from 5 pm to 12 pm.

40.                  And she did! (I cannot get home at like 8 on a Sunday)

41.                  I am grateful that I did my mother’s shopping today

42.                  And mine

43.                  And for the hot spices and the artichoke hearts and the sweet potato that are in this stew

44.                  And the organic beefsteak tomatoes omg! That I wound up not having to even pay for (I would NOT have paid THAT price)

45.                  What delicious tomatoes!

46.                  I am grateful for the Sahkeology shake I’ve been having in the morning! Vegan chocolate Shakeology with frozen broccoli cuts and frozen strawberries and blueberries. So thick and icy I need a spoon and it tastes like it is chocolate ice cream with fruit blended in. But is so healthy!

47.                  I am SO GRATEFUL for access to fresh, frozen and canned vegetables and fruits

48.                  And nuts

49.                  And seeds

50.                  and coconut flakes

51.                  I am grateful for my friend in Ecuador, my friend in England, my friend in South Carolina, and so on!

52.                  I am grateful that I am helping children.

53.                  I am grateful for hope.

54.                  I am grateful for the beautiful sandwich I just had

55.                  And for water

56.                  And for coffee : )

57.                  I am grateful for garbage pickup

58.                  And for the laundry here in the cellar

59.                  I am grateful for growth and change

60.                  And for every minute of optimism I have

Today's Big Gratitude

is for
exercise and Shakeology

I just did Upper Fix (2nd day of 21 Day Fix dvds)
While I can still not do one pushup except on knees, and literally scream through the scissor-twists (modified!), I can now do a plank the official way for 50 seconds. Improvement noted!
And I am now enjoying the most amazing Shakeology: cold water, one green container of frozen broccoli, one purple container half full of frozen strawberries and half full of frozen blueberries, and vegan chocolate Shakeo. Omg! How can something for which I need a spoon(!), that feels and tastes like I'm eating blended chocolate ice cream with fruit, be so healthy!
I am very grateful!

Mostly, because it is affected my MOOD!
I am so FUCKING. SICK. OF DEPRESSION!!!!! AND FEAR!!!!
I have DECIDED to fight it and win!
Or to gentle it and win....

Very grateful.

IF YOU READ ONLY ONE THING! READ THE LAST PARAGRAPH!

From the Hay House day, last Saturday.

Last paragraph is after the last red part.

-- 

From Wayne Dyer:

Every burning desire inside you was placed there by the same power that opens the rose.

This interiority of yours – wants to expand. It is not finite. It is infinite.

And anyone that tries to stop it, it resists.

“Once you label me, you negate me.”

***Just get into a state of awe about this universe that you live in that is infinite and so are you.

There can be no individuality if the same intelligence is in everything and everyone.

This divine intelligence that’s growing your fingernails. Just devote 1 hour a day to this impersonal self making it 1^st in your life.

And it WILL become conscious. And before long!

--

Kris Carr:

FEEL your feelings

Don’t push things down!

She had put things on hold even though they were moving forward.

She had put her dreams on hold even though things were moving forward.

Every time you remember the bad, you relive it all.

Her: “I stopped after 9 years, doing things for cancer, for love, approval, relationship,… and tumors for FIRST TIME – SHRANK!

When fear risks, no potential for huge breakthroughs

NOW – DO IT!! There is NOTHING to lose!

Have a green drink every day!

Recipes: Juice: cucumber, lemon, kale, celery, apple or pear/

Kale salad: Lemon on washed kale. Massage it.  Add avocado.

Smoothie: Avocado, cucumber, banana, blueberries, spinach.

Acceptance means not abandoning yourSELF.

And not criticizing yourself

The PURPOSE for you life is joy. EVERY DAY!

***AT THIS POINT I WROTE in my little journal,

“I

am a wonderful

bright pretty funny

sexy smart compassionate

trustworthy fun person

A great guy WILL

Love me

  If he doesn’t (J) SO WHAT!

--

Nancy Levin

Your greatest gift is giving voice to your truth

And when you do there is no wrong way to live your life

--

Anita Moorjani

Everything is dependent on how worthy you think you are

When you make the commitment to yourSELF that you are really gonna be there for yourSELF, then you are not afraid.

Because you always have yourself – accepting and caring for…

--

While listening to the For the Sender singer/songwriter, Alex Woodard, I jotted this:

I need to help save animals or foster children

Or something

--

Dr. Christiane Northrup

The most important things you can do:

1.      Change the way you think

2.      Lower your blood sugar.

3.      Do that exercise (it was a little 20 second run in place with arms too, then rest then do, 8 x – even 3 times a week she said). (and the stand on one foot and close eyes and hold balance. Then other foot. Daily. And the sitting differently like all kinds of ways – butt out hands out – hands over head etc etc etc. and not sit SO MUCH)

The three things healthy happy active centegenarians have been found to have are:

1.      Exalted emotion

2.      Elevated cognition

3.      Righteous anger (as in standing up for someone else or yourself innocent)

Centeganarians: “I don’t go to doctors. They’re all dead.”

Live in a [sic] of agelessness

They also have boundaries – do NOT participate in co-dependent relationships!

Northrup says we must:

Take care of our own time

Put our own needs 1^st.

If we’re not for us, who is going to be

Elevated emotions:

Joy, compassion, revelry

We need a tribe with whom we can be ourselves and share ideas.

But all tribes wound their members (she quotes a book) in 3 ways:

Abandonment

Betrayal

Shame

This “People are dying – who are we to be happy” mentality has to stop

Be wildly joyous and happy for self!

(and it helps people)

(But we won’t fit in that original tribe)

We must have Rituals of Pleasure

Ad it can be anything: including good chocolate, a good drink…

You don’t have to finish it – the ritual is the point)

Everything is allowed if it is a high holy ritual of pleasure.

(hers is every evening rice cake with pb and 16 60% chocolate chips) and she uses the biomat.

A couple of meals a week we must “break bread” together. Not all meals alone.

Law of attraction

Now we have the whole world to choose from when picking your [sic] of agelessness in social media!

We:

Need to LEARN how to savor

Share our good feelings with others – including bragging like the tango -coming and going

At this point I wrote:

I have nothing to prove.

I.Am. Light. (which comes from Wayne Dyer’s meditation).

I am part of the sacred.

Everything about me is sacred.

I am sacred.

She ended by talking about her cat. And how a cat will scan a room and find the most luxurious surface and take that.

And how she holds the door for her cat for long times while cat is deciding, Do I want to go out? Yes. No. Maybe. No. Yes….

And she said, I’m standing there, 2 New York Times #1 bestsellers etc etc… doing it. Why?

Because her confidence (cat’s) is THAT big. I want YOU go out there and have THAT.

--

Since 1984 I have been obsessed with J.

I feel now, that although I SO want to be with him, and SO wish it could work out,

I accept.

It is what it is.

If he doesn’t want me, I shall live anyway.

It has taken a LONG time and been a hard-working road to get to this.

I thought I never would.

I am so grateful.

Nervous a little, but grateful and very very hopeful!

Northrup:

“Thoughts and beliefs with a high, ecstatic vibration create a flourishing life and flourishing biology.” She went on to say that your BIOLOGY changes! Hormones – neurotransmitters.

    Start RIGHT NOW – FOCUSING on what is good and uplifting.

==