I am grateful:
1. 7 degrees of separation from Beethoven!
2. Great Thai food last night
3. With K
4. Dr’s advice about eating and other ways to deal with stress
5. Plum wine, 2/3 glass and yum
6. Feeling okay
7. When I don’t look to the past, or to the future, *this * day is really always okay
8. I had an accident: ( Car has little dent. But barely noticeable and should’t rust and not hurt and for that I’m grateful
9. My CoDA sponsor
10. My OA sponsor
11. My piano teacher
12. Hummus
13. Spelt bread
14. Water
15. Fresh coffee this am
16. M called
17. E-mails. Nice ones
18. Including L’s
19. Will get hair cut today
20. And colored
21. And fix new pocketbook and wallet! : )
22. And will have French lesson today too!
23. Watched French movie last night
24. Will get change today for tomorrow
25. Think might REALLY treat self. To mani/pedi or even massage today!
26. And some doggie time
27. And date tomorrow
28. Got French movie last night and watched it by self. Didn’t like it at all, but glad DID it.
29. My eye drops
30. My anti-depressant
31. That I sleep
32. Interesting dreams all my life
33. Fresh fruit
34. The wooden bowl
35. My Royal Doultons
36. My father’s honesty
37. My piece of driftwood
38. Opportunity to possibly study for few days in rain forest with M this summer!!!!
39. My new French picture books from library
40. Vitamins
41. Exercise
42. Potential
43. Hope
44. The adorable, fabulous, fun for them (and me), creative, learning rap the two classes did with me
45. Classical music
46. Colored diamonds. I don’t have any, of course! I just like looking at them. And in some cases, even pictures of them
47. Teas. I love black tea
48. And Earl Grey tea
49. And Lady Grey tea
50. And green tea
51. And vanilla tea
52. And cherry bark ta
53. And red chai tea or is it called ruby chai
54. Jo for helping me with technology
55. My sense of humor
56. God
57. Buddha
58. Thich Nhat Hahn
59. And that I’m going to be with him soon!
60. Shoes
61. My new lacy grey stockings - discounted
62. My new nice hand soap – discounted
63. My new nice bubble bath – discounted
64. My new makeup – new look – updated
65. My face cream
66. My eye cream
67. My hands
68. Reiki
69. Piano
70. Typing and how it relaxes me
71. Dry whole grain bread. Nothing on it.
72. Lamps
73. Book lights. I need one. But I’m grateful they exist.
74. ***I have a lot of good stuff inside me. I had squelched it for so long. But it USED TO be there. And it’s there again. (So I guess it’s always been there).
75. Like interests
76. Talents
77. Fun
78. Humor
79. Intelligence
80. Open-mindedness
81. Abilities
82. Capabilities
83. Some calm
84. Empathy
85. ****Fairness.
86. The high school Social Studies teacher – the most respected teacher in our school – writing in my yearbook, “Lynn, you have a keen sense of justice. Hold onto it. The world needs it.”
87. That in talking with O the other day about how I’m just beginning to feel like a person – you know, my will-they-take-my-garbage issues, and the whole passport business, and she has seen it all, she said: You realize, no one would expect this of you. It’s not at all how you come across. I know you very well. And of course I know what you’ve gone through/go through. But people would have a hard time even believing it. You are so eloquent, and accomplished, and funny, and friendly… No one would believe it. That was nice.
88. She even said I can *seem * confident.
89. And J used to say these same things for me
90. Wow. I’m so sorry I took it all for granted. But I am grateful for how cherished I was for so long.
91. Okay. Upbeat, upbeat, come on. Um. I’m grateful that I can speak. I remember when I couldn’t (physical problems)
92. And that I can walk. I remember when I couldn’t (accident)
93. And that I made it fine through my surgeries
94. And that I’m vegan.
95. And that I HAVE that choice to me. Not like, scrounging through garbages for any bite to keep me alive for another day.
96. And that I’m not being forced to read the book my book group is reading right now. Because I don’t want to put that in my head. And they’re accepting that. Phew.
97. I did not at all feel like doing gratitudes today. I’m grateful for how quickly they’re coming to me.
98. I WILL organize my trip papers and my tomorrow stuff today.
99. Colors. I’ve come to love bright cheerful happy colors
100. The blue of the sky.
101. That I’m grateful.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
7 Degrees of Beethoveration!
I just found out that I am 7 degrees of separation from Beethoven! Not genetically, but musically!
Beethoven
taught Czerny, who taught
Lizst, who taught
Zilot, who taught
Zak, who taught
Feltsman, who taught
my teacher, whose name I shouldn't put here, who teaches
me
The influence does get handed down
You may know that Feltsman has contributed a tremendous amount to the world of classical music.
And in my humble opinion, Beethoven changed it for all time!
And I am in the direct tree of his teaching lineage.
This excites me very much!
Beethoven
taught Czerny, who taught
Lizst, who taught
Zilot, who taught
Zak, who taught
Feltsman, who taught
my teacher, whose name I shouldn't put here, who teaches
me
The influence does get handed down
You may know that Feltsman has contributed a tremendous amount to the world of classical music.
And in my humble opinion, Beethoven changed it for all time!
And I am in the direct tree of his teaching lineage.
This excites me very much!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Affirmations
I am good
I am enough
I am good enough
I am loved
I am lovable
I am a creation of God Himself
I am important in this world
I am happy
God and the universe are taking perfect care of me
*I* am taking perfect care of me!
I am filled with light, joy, and happiness!
I am enough
I am good enough
I am loved
I am lovable
I am a creation of God Himself
I am important in this world
I am happy
God and the universe are taking perfect care of me
*I* am taking perfect care of me!
I am filled with light, joy, and happiness!
CoDA Morning Work Today
I feel:
Vibrant, sacred - God, content with my life this day, alive, open to other people, capable of going to England!, upset in the apple-cart-upset way like unsettled because of the J. changed, safe - God, whole (!), healthy, cheerful, worthy (because we all are), forgiven by J, sane, OPTIMISTIC - ME!, calm in terms of looking forward to the rest of my day ahhhhh, unencumbered in some ways, proud of my accomplishments, loving to people, gifted in some ways, divine and blessed in a million ways, wise way inside, hopeful yay!, humble as in equal to all no more and no less, willing in all ways, empowered by all of this, better than wanting to throw self under moving car one year ago this very month!, so so fortunate from oranges to piano to breath..., loved by my mother, confident about my abilities to go to England by self and stay sane and even happy while there, needed by M and some others, rejected by J, slighted by J, disconnected from J, uncertain about future, mostly okay about that!, renewed yay renewed, brave about all the trip stuff, so grateful, rejuvenated by yesterday and especially O putting makeup on me at the place SO sweet and my new girlie stuff, awed by life and these changes and God's blessings, social while yesterday I was feeling kind of antisocial
Do differently:
Be still more careful about eating. Remember to turn it over every single day, to God
5 Good Things about Me:
1. Most all of principals have gotten who I am and respected me greatly and trusted me fully!
2. Many people do like and even love me
3. I look at myself openly and honestly and accept the bad stuff and have even begun to accept the good stuff too
4. I can have FUN!!!!
5. I am a very neat embroiderer
Vibrant, sacred - God, content with my life this day, alive, open to other people, capable of going to England!, upset in the apple-cart-upset way like unsettled because of the J. changed, safe - God, whole (!), healthy, cheerful, worthy (because we all are), forgiven by J, sane, OPTIMISTIC - ME!, calm in terms of looking forward to the rest of my day ahhhhh, unencumbered in some ways, proud of my accomplishments, loving to people, gifted in some ways, divine and blessed in a million ways, wise way inside, hopeful yay!, humble as in equal to all no more and no less, willing in all ways, empowered by all of this, better than wanting to throw self under moving car one year ago this very month!, so so fortunate from oranges to piano to breath..., loved by my mother, confident about my abilities to go to England by self and stay sane and even happy while there, needed by M and some others, rejected by J, slighted by J, disconnected from J, uncertain about future, mostly okay about that!, renewed yay renewed, brave about all the trip stuff, so grateful, rejuvenated by yesterday and especially O putting makeup on me at the place SO sweet and my new girlie stuff, awed by life and these changes and God's blessings, social while yesterday I was feeling kind of antisocial
Do differently:
Be still more careful about eating. Remember to turn it over every single day, to God
5 Good Things about Me:
1. Most all of principals have gotten who I am and respected me greatly and trusted me fully!
2. Many people do like and even love me
3. I look at myself openly and honestly and accept the bad stuff and have even begun to accept the good stuff too
4. I can have FUN!!!!
5. I am a very neat embroiderer
Readings
For Today:
"The maxim, 'Nothing avails but perfection,' may e spelled 'Paralysis.'" Sir Winston Churchill
"How long will the wallpaper in the bedroom hang down like lopping tongues? Why don't I fix it - or have it fixed?
Because I want to do the job perfectly. I want the best, the prettiest, the most elegant wallpaper in the world. But where am I going to find it? Just thinking about looking through stacks and stacks of patterns for the PERFECT one stops me in my tracks. Which is why the wallpaper stays as it is and i keep the bedroom door closed.
Where does the need to be perfect come from? it's true that if I don't do anything, no one can criticize my lack of taste or whatever it is I think I ought to have. But the harshest and most unrelenting critic of all is me; I see that wallpaper every day and I hate the slob who forces me to live that way."
Wow, not wallpaper, but in other ways, I can REALLY relate to this.
"For today: Perfectionism is another obsession, and I pray to be relieved of it. I do the necessary footwork by taking one small step toward a project or activity I have been putting off."
--
Voices of Recovery
"OA doesn't tell us we have to believe in God - - only that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." OA 12 & 12 p. 13
"My concept of a Higher Power has changed, just as I have changed. I am not the same person I once was. I had worshipped God in church, so it was easy to return to that setting. however, after a few years, I realized that I no longer believed God was big enough to restore me to sanity. He worked in the lives of everyone else, but not in mine.
My sponsor said I was suffering from 'tiny God syndrome.' She suggested that I borrow her Higher Power while I was trying to define my own. If that was not big enough, i could take all the Higher Powers from everyone at our big meeting. It reminded me of taking little pieces of clay from here and there until I hd a big pile.
Every time I thought of something big, I came up with something bigger. Finally, I realized that when the sun shines, it doesn't shine in just one spot, and that maybe God's love could be that big."
--
In This Moment
"In This Moment, I have choices.
I don't have to live from the script where I play the victim. I can write my script in a way that is healthy for me. I am now more likely to evaluate the situation as it is happening, calmly view the options available to me, and make a choice. I have the freedom to improvise. I am living the most perfect life I am capable of living. I am happy, healthy, and making progress every day."
Oh, I really needed to hear this now. I wrote to J this morning, so he'd know about England and would keep doggie that week (also as I'm telling my mother, she'll mention it to him and it would be beyond weird if he didn't know). And he wrote back a very friendly congratulations and being happy for me in so many ways and a joke that he's pretty sure the boiled beef there should be vegan. But it was so - totally detached and I'm just a good kid he knows - a friend - that it feels funny in my stomach. So it's great for me to read this today.
And - and I feel kind of bad about this for some reason, I'm now up to the pages in this book which I've already seen, which means I've been in CoDA for a year. But actually, that is good because I AM a lot better and still improving...
--
The Language of Letting Go
"Solving Problems
I ask that You might help me work through all my problems, to Your Glory and Honor." Alcoholics Anonymous
"Many of us lived in situations where it wasn't okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life - our way of dealing with problems.
In recovery, many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do to solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.
A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem doesn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.
In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is establishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This my mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.
Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone. having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us. some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll growing necessary ways in the process.
Face and solve TODAY'S problems. don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems, because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them.
Facing and solving problems - working through problems with help from a Higher Power - means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.
God, help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problem-solver."
==
"The maxim, 'Nothing avails but perfection,' may e spelled 'Paralysis.'" Sir Winston Churchill
"How long will the wallpaper in the bedroom hang down like lopping tongues? Why don't I fix it - or have it fixed?
Because I want to do the job perfectly. I want the best, the prettiest, the most elegant wallpaper in the world. But where am I going to find it? Just thinking about looking through stacks and stacks of patterns for the PERFECT one stops me in my tracks. Which is why the wallpaper stays as it is and i keep the bedroom door closed.
Where does the need to be perfect come from? it's true that if I don't do anything, no one can criticize my lack of taste or whatever it is I think I ought to have. But the harshest and most unrelenting critic of all is me; I see that wallpaper every day and I hate the slob who forces me to live that way."
Wow, not wallpaper, but in other ways, I can REALLY relate to this.
"For today: Perfectionism is another obsession, and I pray to be relieved of it. I do the necessary footwork by taking one small step toward a project or activity I have been putting off."
--
Voices of Recovery
"OA doesn't tell us we have to believe in God - - only that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." OA 12 & 12 p. 13
"My concept of a Higher Power has changed, just as I have changed. I am not the same person I once was. I had worshipped God in church, so it was easy to return to that setting. however, after a few years, I realized that I no longer believed God was big enough to restore me to sanity. He worked in the lives of everyone else, but not in mine.
My sponsor said I was suffering from 'tiny God syndrome.' She suggested that I borrow her Higher Power while I was trying to define my own. If that was not big enough, i could take all the Higher Powers from everyone at our big meeting. It reminded me of taking little pieces of clay from here and there until I hd a big pile.
Every time I thought of something big, I came up with something bigger. Finally, I realized that when the sun shines, it doesn't shine in just one spot, and that maybe God's love could be that big."
--
In This Moment
"In This Moment, I have choices.
I don't have to live from the script where I play the victim. I can write my script in a way that is healthy for me. I am now more likely to evaluate the situation as it is happening, calmly view the options available to me, and make a choice. I have the freedom to improvise. I am living the most perfect life I am capable of living. I am happy, healthy, and making progress every day."
Oh, I really needed to hear this now. I wrote to J this morning, so he'd know about England and would keep doggie that week (also as I'm telling my mother, she'll mention it to him and it would be beyond weird if he didn't know). And he wrote back a very friendly congratulations and being happy for me in so many ways and a joke that he's pretty sure the boiled beef there should be vegan. But it was so - totally detached and I'm just a good kid he knows - a friend - that it feels funny in my stomach. So it's great for me to read this today.
And - and I feel kind of bad about this for some reason, I'm now up to the pages in this book which I've already seen, which means I've been in CoDA for a year. But actually, that is good because I AM a lot better and still improving...
--
The Language of Letting Go
"Solving Problems
I ask that You might help me work through all my problems, to Your Glory and Honor." Alcoholics Anonymous
"Many of us lived in situations where it wasn't okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life - our way of dealing with problems.
In recovery, many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do to solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.
A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem doesn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.
In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is establishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This my mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.
Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone. having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us. some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll growing necessary ways in the process.
Face and solve TODAY'S problems. don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems, because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them.
Facing and solving problems - working through problems with help from a Higher Power - means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.
God, help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problem-solver."
==
So Much Already! :)
I adore my study of French! Love it love it love it love it!!!
I can't describe how much I love it!
And - it's not about a guy. Not J. Not ANY guy.
It's for and about ME.
*I* have a teacher.
*I* pay her.
*I* earn the money to pay her, with my own hard work.
She even likes working with me.
I do my homework. With love.
I am having SO MUCH FUN with this!
And - I am DETERMINED to get to France.
I will tutor and give Reiki - work in office in summer - whatever it takes:) I really want this and will have it!
Yay me!!
--
I am looking forward each morning, to practicing piano!
Having the little concert as a goal is helping me.
And I'm actually enjoying it!
Yesterday - for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE! - I didn't put myself down while practicing!
This is huge!
--
I had a BALL yesterday having a girlie day with O!
*She* put makeup on me at the store!
And the salesgirl was adorable. 24 years old and so nice, and fat but pretty. And friendly and helpful.
And she even said, "Come by at 10am and let us do your makeup before your date Friday!" I don't think I will - I like very LITTLE makeup and they might put too much or something... but it was SO nice.
And I bought a much needed pocketbook and wallet. I usually buy one CHEAP and not leather of course, pocketbook per year, and a wallet lasts me several years. But the ones I bought this past summer fell apart so quickly!
But I replaced yesterday.
And I'm excited about the things I bought.
Plus the woman gave me so many samples!
And I even bought perfume (not very expensive, and really, it's eau de toilette, but I love it!)
***I feel like a woman!
Look, I KNOW these are not the things that a woman make, but it was so fun, and I needed to get in touch with this side of myself:)
I even bought lacy stocking things. Grey. And sexy. Oh my gosh! (And discount:)
--
And, of course, work is letting *me * go to England for a course! I'm SO excited!
Lots of good things: happinesses, joys, and funs!
--
I can't describe how much I love it!
And - it's not about a guy. Not J. Not ANY guy.
It's for and about ME.
*I* have a teacher.
*I* pay her.
*I* earn the money to pay her, with my own hard work.
She even likes working with me.
I do my homework. With love.
I am having SO MUCH FUN with this!
And - I am DETERMINED to get to France.
I will tutor and give Reiki - work in office in summer - whatever it takes:) I really want this and will have it!
Yay me!!
--
I am looking forward each morning, to practicing piano!
Having the little concert as a goal is helping me.
And I'm actually enjoying it!
Yesterday - for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE! - I didn't put myself down while practicing!
This is huge!
--
I had a BALL yesterday having a girlie day with O!
*She* put makeup on me at the store!
And the salesgirl was adorable. 24 years old and so nice, and fat but pretty. And friendly and helpful.
And she even said, "Come by at 10am and let us do your makeup before your date Friday!" I don't think I will - I like very LITTLE makeup and they might put too much or something... but it was SO nice.
And I bought a much needed pocketbook and wallet. I usually buy one CHEAP and not leather of course, pocketbook per year, and a wallet lasts me several years. But the ones I bought this past summer fell apart so quickly!
But I replaced yesterday.
And I'm excited about the things I bought.
Plus the woman gave me so many samples!
And I even bought perfume (not very expensive, and really, it's eau de toilette, but I love it!)
***I feel like a woman!
Look, I KNOW these are not the things that a woman make, but it was so fun, and I needed to get in touch with this side of myself:)
I even bought lacy stocking things. Grey. And sexy. Oh my gosh! (And discount:)
--
And, of course, work is letting *me * go to England for a course! I'm SO excited!
Lots of good things: happinesses, joys, and funs!
--
Grats
I am grateful:
1. I just had a really good piano practice session for 40 minutes (it’s still Tuesday)
2. I am SO grateful to be putting myself first today. Of course, when M thought she’d need me to take her to the doctor, I was going to! But I’m so glad she doesn’t!
3. I am giving myself a day, they type of which has ALWAYS been so good for me. I am making food list, exercising a little, dishes, cooking, straightening, bath, maybe even a massage! - and in all being gentle with myself.
4. The day BEFORE I start the report cards. Ding for ME FIRST. ! Wow.
5. And now it’s Wednesday. Dr. comes today. Yay.
6. I was ready and willing and able to help M yesterday.
7. But she didn’t need me after all, which freed me.
8. I really wanted to stay in all day. But I know that isn’t always good for me. I’m grateful for knowing that.
9. Plus O wanted to see me. I’m grateful for that. I haven’t seen her in two months.
10. So I went.
11. The “quick shopping trip and a little lunch” took almost 7 hours!
12. And all of it – all of it – was fun!
13. We were even able to laugh about the “situation.” Like, of course hen I order lunch, I’ll have to get it cut in half and send half to J. And then, if I bring half of my part home, do I have to send him half of that? (I’m still working on getting a more fair amount – jokes were just helping ease/release tension).
14. Maya Angelou yesterday. Saying the advice she would give to her eight-year-old self, among other things, was to find art you love. It might be Van Gogh. Or Beethoven. And enjoy it. And realize, “This was created by a human being. Just like you are a human being. You are no greater and no less.” Of course she said it more poetically. It was beautiful.
15. And – my piano teacher was just telling me that she is from Beethoven’s lineage. Musically, not genetically. And it’s only a few degrees of separation.
16. Which means I am too!
17. She’s going to send me the list, and one of the names I didn’t recognize and won’t remember how to spell.
18. I just had to stop typing. The feeling in my chest is so beautiful. A deep breath, but also a peace and an inner connection to humanity. Such a lovely feeling.
19. And now all my breaths are so sweet.
20. I could feel doggie against me last night. So nice.
21. I shall take her on a nice walk and/or to the park today.
22. Sitting here, early morning, with coffee.
23. The things I was going to do yesterday, I’m going to do today.
24. And it was worth it being with O.
25. I’m GOING TO get this need for music in the house but the wires were severed when the floors were done and J never fixed it situation taken care of! I need to get out of the den.
26. And I’m READY to get out of the den.
27. I have new makeup. Updated a bit.
28. And lots of free applicators from the woman at Sephora.
29. And a new perfume too. Such luxury!
30. And a new pocket book, as mine was literally scraped and falling apart.
31. And sexy stockings.
32. And artichoke and green beans in the fridge. I am very fortunate indeed.
33. Doggie still in bed, luxuriating. I love her so.
34. When I get a fantasy of how if I moved into a sweet little house somewhere, … and how I would live – well, I just realized yesterday (!) I can do that NOW. All of it!
35. This is the last vacation I’ll ever have when I have never been to England.
36. O sees a BIG change in me.
37. And she said to her mother, in Russian (skype), Lynn has a date. And her mother answered, even though I’m still fat, “Why not? Of course! She’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s well-spoken…She can get all the dates she wants!”
38. The fresh orange I ate yesterday.
39. Thich Nhat Hahn’s idea about seeing the cloud in your water.
40. And like, in the orange, you can see everything: the seed, the water that watered it, the cloud from which that water originally came, the farmer, etc.
41. And decades ago, having never heard this, I did a project with my class where we took anything – anything – and saw how many people we could trace it to.
42. Like a shirt: the store that sold it, the person who stocked it, the person who ordered it, the person who inspected it, the people who put it together, the people who invented the machinery/tools, and the electricity that runs them, and the people who opened the place that day, . . . the mother of the person who came up with that exact dye. . .
43. It was very eye-opening.
44. And fun.
45. And *I * thought of it.
46. I also did another one. With a class that came in hating science! This wasn’t the greatest school. They had only known “science” as 25 year old text book stuff. So I did this: name anything – anything(!) and I can tell you what it has to do with science, and what it has to do with YOU (the most interesting subject of all).
47. They could never stump me.
48. And then THEY each did a booklet. 25 things. What each has to do with science, and what each has to do with them. They did this over time.
49. And it changed them. They saw science as what it is (in my opinion): the study of you and everything around you. From yarn dye to outer space. From medicine to molecules. From … …
50. Stores that sell things at ridiculously low prices.
51. O helping me last summer, to re-find my femininity.
52. And yesterday, to refind it.
53. We’ll do more again in the summer.
54. And maybe at that time I won’t NEED it; I’ll just ENJOY it. (I did enjoy this, but I also needed it).
55. I shall look forward to practicing again today. I do look forward to it.
56. I shall try to play in that concert in May.
57. Teacher said all the adults are “freaking out.” And that I’m not the bottom. (She said it in a more complimentary fashion).
58. I got my French children’s books back to the library.
59. And only owed 2 dollars. I’m not used to remembering due dates; haven’t used card in so long. This time will put into schedule.
60. And I got a bunch more.
61. And books have more explanations. I’m excited.
62. I might – MIGHT – eat at the table tonight.
63. Or do SOMETHING “out there.” Out of the den. Read French books in l.r.? Paint a little in d. r.? Meditate a little in sunroom?
64. That I HAVE these choices
65. I will get to set up my wallet and pocket book today. Cool.
66. I will get my hair cut and colored tomorrow. Cool
67. I will finally get my medicines today. Cool.
68. And do some laundry.
69. Glad I didn’t wait at window for garbage collection yesterday, as it was a holiday Monday so yesterday’s get collected today lol!
70. And glad lots of neighbors had theirs out too. So this is NO big deal at all!
71. A great bowel movement. Look, I don’t find these things gross. I find them miracles of our bodies. Just like swallowing food, breathing air…And I glad my digestive system works.
72. It’s Ash Wednesday. I wonder if I want to get ashes. Maybe? Maybe not. Great to have the choice.
73. Two deep breaths just taken. Wow.
74. Being a good and compassionate and generous person. I can live with myself.
75. Art
76. Music
77. Museums
78. Concerts
79. Radio City Music Hall
80. Female vocalists.
81. I remember as a child, loving to see/hear Claudine Longet. Interestingly, French accent.
82. And always loving Nana Mouskouri.
83. And Jane Oliver
84. And the voice of Whitney Houston.
85. And the young woman opera singer I know personally. She will go far. She already has.
86. That my piano teacher was the only student accepted into the prestigious Moscow Conservatory the year she was 10 or so.
87. And had THE highest score at the Manhattan School of Music.
88. That I have made it to the top of my profession. Literally.
89. England coming!
90. French lessons!
91. Piano is back for me!
92. My humidifier. Must fill it today. It’s good for the piano, which is why we bought it – but it’s good for me too! (And doggie: )
93. Letters back and forth with L. I kind of wish we didn’t have to meet. I truly don’t think we’ll have great chemistry; I don’t like his strong opinionated personality; and I’m fat. But I love our letters. I kind of wish we could keep it just to that. But - I *am * looking forward to our little date Fri.
94. And I’m thrilled – thrilled –
95. They’re taking my garbage right now. I hear them. Yay.
96. Back to above –
97. I’m thrilled that I DON’T want a relationship right now. Thrilled.
98. And that I didn’t have to go look. Still have to kind of work on the not-looking. But at least not looking.
99. My time in the Girl Scouts
100. How far J went in the Boy Scouts. For his sake.
101. That I can still feel that way.
102. Hope.
1. I just had a really good piano practice session for 40 minutes (it’s still Tuesday)
2. I am SO grateful to be putting myself first today. Of course, when M thought she’d need me to take her to the doctor, I was going to! But I’m so glad she doesn’t!
3. I am giving myself a day, they type of which has ALWAYS been so good for me. I am making food list, exercising a little, dishes, cooking, straightening, bath, maybe even a massage! - and in all being gentle with myself.
4. The day BEFORE I start the report cards. Ding for ME FIRST. ! Wow.
5. And now it’s Wednesday. Dr. comes today. Yay.
6. I was ready and willing and able to help M yesterday.
7. But she didn’t need me after all, which freed me.
8. I really wanted to stay in all day. But I know that isn’t always good for me. I’m grateful for knowing that.
9. Plus O wanted to see me. I’m grateful for that. I haven’t seen her in two months.
10. So I went.
11. The “quick shopping trip and a little lunch” took almost 7 hours!
12. And all of it – all of it – was fun!
13. We were even able to laugh about the “situation.” Like, of course hen I order lunch, I’ll have to get it cut in half and send half to J. And then, if I bring half of my part home, do I have to send him half of that? (I’m still working on getting a more fair amount – jokes were just helping ease/release tension).
14. Maya Angelou yesterday. Saying the advice she would give to her eight-year-old self, among other things, was to find art you love. It might be Van Gogh. Or Beethoven. And enjoy it. And realize, “This was created by a human being. Just like you are a human being. You are no greater and no less.” Of course she said it more poetically. It was beautiful.
15. And – my piano teacher was just telling me that she is from Beethoven’s lineage. Musically, not genetically. And it’s only a few degrees of separation.
16. Which means I am too!
17. She’s going to send me the list, and one of the names I didn’t recognize and won’t remember how to spell.
18. I just had to stop typing. The feeling in my chest is so beautiful. A deep breath, but also a peace and an inner connection to humanity. Such a lovely feeling.
19. And now all my breaths are so sweet.
20. I could feel doggie against me last night. So nice.
21. I shall take her on a nice walk and/or to the park today.
22. Sitting here, early morning, with coffee.
23. The things I was going to do yesterday, I’m going to do today.
24. And it was worth it being with O.
25. I’m GOING TO get this need for music in the house but the wires were severed when the floors were done and J never fixed it situation taken care of! I need to get out of the den.
26. And I’m READY to get out of the den.
27. I have new makeup. Updated a bit.
28. And lots of free applicators from the woman at Sephora.
29. And a new perfume too. Such luxury!
30. And a new pocket book, as mine was literally scraped and falling apart.
31. And sexy stockings.
32. And artichoke and green beans in the fridge. I am very fortunate indeed.
33. Doggie still in bed, luxuriating. I love her so.
34. When I get a fantasy of how if I moved into a sweet little house somewhere, … and how I would live – well, I just realized yesterday (!) I can do that NOW. All of it!
35. This is the last vacation I’ll ever have when I have never been to England.
36. O sees a BIG change in me.
37. And she said to her mother, in Russian (skype), Lynn has a date. And her mother answered, even though I’m still fat, “Why not? Of course! She’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s well-spoken…She can get all the dates she wants!”
38. The fresh orange I ate yesterday.
39. Thich Nhat Hahn’s idea about seeing the cloud in your water.
40. And like, in the orange, you can see everything: the seed, the water that watered it, the cloud from which that water originally came, the farmer, etc.
41. And decades ago, having never heard this, I did a project with my class where we took anything – anything – and saw how many people we could trace it to.
42. Like a shirt: the store that sold it, the person who stocked it, the person who ordered it, the person who inspected it, the people who put it together, the people who invented the machinery/tools, and the electricity that runs them, and the people who opened the place that day, . . . the mother of the person who came up with that exact dye. . .
43. It was very eye-opening.
44. And fun.
45. And *I * thought of it.
46. I also did another one. With a class that came in hating science! This wasn’t the greatest school. They had only known “science” as 25 year old text book stuff. So I did this: name anything – anything(!) and I can tell you what it has to do with science, and what it has to do with YOU (the most interesting subject of all).
47. They could never stump me.
48. And then THEY each did a booklet. 25 things. What each has to do with science, and what each has to do with them. They did this over time.
49. And it changed them. They saw science as what it is (in my opinion): the study of you and everything around you. From yarn dye to outer space. From medicine to molecules. From … …
50. Stores that sell things at ridiculously low prices.
51. O helping me last summer, to re-find my femininity.
52. And yesterday, to refind it.
53. We’ll do more again in the summer.
54. And maybe at that time I won’t NEED it; I’ll just ENJOY it. (I did enjoy this, but I also needed it).
55. I shall look forward to practicing again today. I do look forward to it.
56. I shall try to play in that concert in May.
57. Teacher said all the adults are “freaking out.” And that I’m not the bottom. (She said it in a more complimentary fashion).
58. I got my French children’s books back to the library.
59. And only owed 2 dollars. I’m not used to remembering due dates; haven’t used card in so long. This time will put into schedule.
60. And I got a bunch more.
61. And books have more explanations. I’m excited.
62. I might – MIGHT – eat at the table tonight.
63. Or do SOMETHING “out there.” Out of the den. Read French books in l.r.? Paint a little in d. r.? Meditate a little in sunroom?
64. That I HAVE these choices
65. I will get to set up my wallet and pocket book today. Cool.
66. I will get my hair cut and colored tomorrow. Cool
67. I will finally get my medicines today. Cool.
68. And do some laundry.
69. Glad I didn’t wait at window for garbage collection yesterday, as it was a holiday Monday so yesterday’s get collected today lol!
70. And glad lots of neighbors had theirs out too. So this is NO big deal at all!
71. A great bowel movement. Look, I don’t find these things gross. I find them miracles of our bodies. Just like swallowing food, breathing air…And I glad my digestive system works.
72. It’s Ash Wednesday. I wonder if I want to get ashes. Maybe? Maybe not. Great to have the choice.
73. Two deep breaths just taken. Wow.
74. Being a good and compassionate and generous person. I can live with myself.
75. Art
76. Music
77. Museums
78. Concerts
79. Radio City Music Hall
80. Female vocalists.
81. I remember as a child, loving to see/hear Claudine Longet. Interestingly, French accent.
82. And always loving Nana Mouskouri.
83. And Jane Oliver
84. And the voice of Whitney Houston.
85. And the young woman opera singer I know personally. She will go far. She already has.
86. That my piano teacher was the only student accepted into the prestigious Moscow Conservatory the year she was 10 or so.
87. And had THE highest score at the Manhattan School of Music.
88. That I have made it to the top of my profession. Literally.
89. England coming!
90. French lessons!
91. Piano is back for me!
92. My humidifier. Must fill it today. It’s good for the piano, which is why we bought it – but it’s good for me too! (And doggie: )
93. Letters back and forth with L. I kind of wish we didn’t have to meet. I truly don’t think we’ll have great chemistry; I don’t like his strong opinionated personality; and I’m fat. But I love our letters. I kind of wish we could keep it just to that. But - I *am * looking forward to our little date Fri.
94. And I’m thrilled – thrilled –
95. They’re taking my garbage right now. I hear them. Yay.
96. Back to above –
97. I’m thrilled that I DON’T want a relationship right now. Thrilled.
98. And that I didn’t have to go look. Still have to kind of work on the not-looking. But at least not looking.
99. My time in the Girl Scouts
100. How far J went in the Boy Scouts. For his sake.
101. That I can still feel that way.
102. Hope.
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