Grats

I am grateful:

1. Doggie slept against me in early am
2. I woke up
3. I thought of God right away
4. I am grateful that my eyes opened and I could see
5. I am grateful that I walked unaided to the bathroom. I remember when I couldn’t. And, my mom needs a walker now. I appreciate this day, when I can
6. I am grateful that I have my “date” today. (Even though I barely slept!)
7. That this is the first first-date I’ve ever had. Because it’s not about need.
8. That I gave doggie that great walk yesterday.
9. Warmth. It’s a little chilly here this morning; I’m wrapped in a blanket. And so I’m grateful for warmth.
10. That my accident wasn’t worse the other night.
11. That I’ll probably be safe today, even with the bad weather for my commute: (
12. That he’s probably not a serial killer and I’ll probably be safe with/from him too…
13. I’m grateful for my daily readings
14. And that I’m able to afford treats for doggie
15. And that J and I are getting along so well about her! Phew
16. And that he’ll have her while I’m in England
17. It’s so good. I get to be with her. I enjoy her. She enjoys me. But more days than not, I’m not with her, and when so depleted from work, don’t have to take care of her. I wish I could do this all my life with “pets!”
18. French lesson yesterday
19. Healthy whole wheat vegan pizza. Must learn how to make it (haven’t had since J made)
20. Words. I love to listen to them, say them, read them, and write them.
21. I even had a dream about them last night.
22. And about a painting I’d like to make!
23. And I think I SHALL make it! Wow.
24. My voice
25. My throat
26. That I’ve come to appreciate my body
27. That I wrote to other guys last night. Expanding my world a little. Do NOT want sex or a “relationship.” For real! But a lunch, or a movie…Plus both therapists think I should
28. “Security” that DOES work where/when it does work.
29. That my innocent little students think so many things are “bad words.” Like “stupid,” or “heck.”
30. And that means their parents are keeping them young in some ways, at least. Appropriately.
31. Tv. Sorry but true
32. My coffee this morning.
33. Waggedy tail on doggie
34. When her whole body seems to waggle – she looks like a goldfish
35. And right now, she is rolling all around on the hardwood (polished not splintery) floor. SO cute! Thank God for her and all of them.
36. That although I’m still sensitive, there’s a piece of me that doesn’t have to overdo it anymore.
37. My OA sponsor
38. Artichokes
39. Being so much less afraid than I used to be
40. Doing for myself some now. Like fun and good-for-me stuff. Not just work-and-have-to-d-stuff
41. That I’ll get to watch some of the Oscar red carpet Sunday. I enjoy that.
42. My new pocketbook
43. My new wallet
44. My coins for the bus. That I DID get to the bank for them.
45. My new French picture books.
46. Teacher showed me – Thich Nhat Hahn online speaking French! (With little translator)
47. And she, my teacher, translating the meditation words for me! It’s so beautiful.
48. The internet.
49. Jokes
50. Riddles
51. Peaceful nations.
52. Peaceful individual.
53. My online prayer community.
54. NICE men
55. NICE women
56. People who just are nice to each other.
57. And wish others to be.
58. And teach children to be.
59. Antibiotics when needed.
60. Free association.
61. Non-sequitors. Yup.
62. My French teacher and I were able to have like a sentence back and forth, like twice.
63. We’ve started some grammar.
64. She finds my pronunciation very good.
65. And she’s very impressed with how well I do with numbers.
66. I love saying those French words/sentences. It just feels so good to me.
67. Already spoke with M this morning.
68. Keeping the house pretty neat
69. Nice neighbors
70. Backyard.
71. Teeny little broken concrete slab – deck? Terrace? I don’t even know what to call it. But I can put a little table and plants on it come summer or late spring! : )
72. I do think it is possible that J and I can be fair and decent to each other regarding money.
73. M is sick: ( BUT she is not emotionally upset this week because so much time with her girls
74. Even when I can’t do everything I feel I need to, I manage to do the minimum.
75. So the report cards WILL get in on time. (Don’t know how. But then, they always have).
76. And the house WILL stay neat
77. Nice hand soaps
78. Softening cream
79. I happen to know that I’m getting a massage coupon for my birthday from 2 friends! Yay.
80. Tomorrow I’ll take my mother to the bank and shopping.
81. I called her yesterday and told her the nice things the teller said about her yesterday.
82. And that helped her feel good.
83. Her dear friend, M.
84. Sunday I have lunch with 3 friends. Four of us. It should be good (not the food – don’t care – me?! – but the time together).
85. Talk with sponsor – “I am not a freak.” Every addict (and I’m a food addict) thinks this.
86. Wow. Sponsor was just telling me about laundry day today. And not loving but it’s fine. And how “if someone came over and knocked on my door right now and said, ‘I’ll do it for you,’ I’d say no. Because it’s something I have to do for myself. It’s important that I do these things for myself.”
87. I learn so much from sponsor.
88. Like again today. That there will be some ecstatic times. And there will be some down times. But mostly okay. Just plain old okay. And that’s good.
89. That I’m not cancelling today. Even though I do have fears about the ride in this weather. But am able to say to myself, “That’s from an old tape. Let it go if you can, Honey.”
90. Yes, that I can say it gently to myself too.
91. That I am DOING my morning work today. I’m nervous, stomach and all. But DOING.
92. Even though they look tiny today because I didn’t sleep much at all : (, that I do have expressive eyes.
93. The French word, “lorsque.” I can’t remember what it means. But I love the sound of it.
94. And my favorite word in all the world: “etre.” I just love that sound!
95. Deep breath just came. Not all the way to navel. But pretty deep. First one so far today. Good.
96. L will get there before I do.
97. I don’t have a decent coat. Am wearing an old woods-coat J left here! But – I won’t wear that today. Will wear cuter but not nearly as warm coat. And will layer.
98. The movie, “The King’s Speech.”
99. And now, a deeper breath. Thank you, God.
100. People who pray for each other.
101. People who pray for me. SO grateful for that. For them. For them doing that.

Holy Moly - It's Actually My FIRST Date!

Well, at 14, my other first date, I was in NEED.
My mother was crazy.
I felt defective.
The boy was very handsome.
He chose me.
He even had a present for me, personalized with my name. ID bracelet - they were in at the time. Dainty and pretty.
And he kissed me. Mouths closed. And he had kind of large lips and it felt like heaven. Mostly, I felt - yup - safe.
So I spent the next 4 years NEEDING him. (Or so I thought).

And so it was
again and again

Today is my first date.
As in,
someone wants to see me today, and I him, and it might be fun,
****and I need NOTHING from him - so I have nothing to lose -
I am an adult, getting there on my own, to maybe have a nice time.

Wow.

Tomorrow is my date! And

I have sent my pic to 2 - 3 other guys.
2 have already written to me that they think I'm pretty!
omg!

had hair cut and colored today (on schedule)

did NOT spend on mani or pedi or massage
only wish did the massage lol

it's just a date
not the "first-date-in-over-20-years"
just a friendly, in-public, daytime date
and i truly DON'T want anything from this guy, except to not be totally rejected because he finds me repulsive - + i'd rather not lose our fun fun corespondence

but it's just a date

i'll sit on a comfy bus
i'll meet him
we'll see some exhibits
we'll have a bite or tea
he'll walk me to the bus stop
i'll sit on the bus
i'll be home

i can do this

i can do this

:)

and at very worst it will be a learning growing experience

and
it might even be fun:)

Wow. What's happening is

I am becoming a full person.

I never really did when I lived on my own before J.
I think it was only for a VERY short time that I even THOUGHT I did.

Gulp,
Mostly, I knew I was pretending.

And so everything - EVERYTHING - I did, was about what J would see/know/love/approve of.
Ex. when he was living across the country and I was going to weight watchers (although I looked great, but wanted to lose a few pounds),
really
in my heart of hearts
I most liked 'TELLING HIM' I was going.

I liked that he SAW/FELT/KNEW/BELIEVED
even when he lived here in this town,
that I had all these things going on - this singing and that conducting and that piano playing and the other teaching and these friends and that embroidering and the ww, ...

Itwasn'treal.

iwasntreal.

--

But - just now,
as I was walking doggie around the area on her leash,
I felt -
I FELT -
myself.
MY legs
MY thoughts
MY okay-in-this-moment.

So although I hate that this has happened, and I do(!),
I *know* that at this time, I am growing a self. I am growing as myself. I will be better and better. Happier and happier.
It will happen.
It IS happening.

Amen.

Affirmations

I am made my God
I am as worthy as anybody
I love my life!
I am happy!
All is well!
All is great!
All will be great!

CoDA

I feel:

guilty about doggie - not giving her enough time
excited about French, England, possible rain forest
girly - finally
rushed - so much to do and it's so late already - and this is supposed to be a day off!
stressed about report cards!
bad about mother - oy
relieved in a million ways
very grateful

5 good things about me

i am a decent person
i am well-spoken
i am at the top of my profession
i am empathetic
i am fun sometimes

Readings

For Today:

"Nothing is to be had for nothing." Epictetus

"Why is it so much harder for me? I go to meetins, but I still don't have what attracted me in the fist place. Let me look honestly at what I'm doing and failing to do:
-Do I have a sponsor - one who has what I want/
-Do I really listen at meetings, and try to contribute?
-Am I working the program beyond step three?
-Am I trying to practice the principles of the program at home and at work as well as in OA
-Do I have a personal concept of a higher power that works for me?
-Am I still trying to diet, i.e. manipulate and control muyfood and my weight?
-do I follow suggestions such as 'weigh only once a month'?
-have I ever called a newcomer, or another OA member/
-Do I give some form of service?
-Do I ever express gratitude for having come this far?

For today: I can begin now to follow those directions that seem to work for others, and that I have been resisting.

--

Voices of Recovery

"Just for today i will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life." Just For Today

"When I was new in OA, my sponsor suggested that, at a minimum, I give God the first fifteen minutes of each morning as my Step Eleven. She said that if I did, god would take care of the rest of the day, including my abstinence. I did that minimum, and my life improved. Soon it became obvious that I needed the willingness to do more than the minimum - in every aspect of my recovery. As a result, I learned to carry Step Eleven from the sacred space of my morning into every aspect of my day: shopping, working, cooking, eating, and even standing in line at the post office.
The more we do, the more we get back. As I began, to the very best of my ability, to practice spiritual principles in all my affairs, miracles of healing began to happen. I became eager to try everything my sponsor and the Big Book suggested. Abstinence became easy, and I became hungry for a principle-based life. The miracles kept happening and have never stopped. It really does work when we work it!"

I know for me, I need to do lots more than 15 minutes. Maybe I'm a certain kind of sick... But that's okay! I'm happy to find the time since it's helping me so much. And maybe through me, others!

--

In This Moment

"In This Moment, I feel sane and serene.

The first time I faced Step Two, I had trouble believing that a Higher Power could change my life. yet, I saw lives that had been transformed. In the rooms, I heard people share that their lives had once been as desolate as mine. Yet, they seemed to have something that I did not. I came to believe that whatever caused the change in them could cause the same changes in me. At first, I made my Twelve Step group my Higher Power, This gave me a start. As time went by and i progressed through the Twelve Steps, I began to notice that I was changing. I came to believe in a power greater than myself. And I found serenity."

--

The Language of Letting Go

"Strength
"We don't always have to be STRONG to be strong. Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be STRONG.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally we don't want to get out of our pajamas. Sometimes we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay. They are just okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to 'fall apart' when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.

Today, God, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when i need to 'fall apart.'"

Wow. That's hard. I feel apart far too much and am really trying not to.
Hmmmm.

==