Grats

100 L.-Related Gratitudes, which I think I shall do this once, and a different way tomorrow, and that's nice.

I am so grateful:

1. That I have met Louis online
2. That we corresponded
3. That we met in person
4. Our wonderful first date at the museum
5. Me swooning against the wall from his touch
6. And his kisses. Oh, his kisses
7. Us in the rain, in that from-a-movie moment at my express bus, umbrella way down my back with the distraction of all of the L-ness of it.
8. Our bodies pressed together
9. Our humor that day
10. The art. Even the art. And how I learned/learn form him
11. The, his words, “greater sense of intimacy” with which he now felt comfortable communicating.
12. Our increased phone calls.
13. Me getting smart enough to finally agree to not wait *two * weeks ‘til our next meeting.
14. The two-museums day.
15. And ending up at the 1st-time museum again.
16. Two glasses of different wine/sharing.
17. Romance.
18. Talking.
19. The live music.
20. Reading the French picture book!
21. Me caressing his arm.
22. Our kisses (that is a theme here: )
23. Us making out in the car while waiting for my “driver.”
24. Last week, and our planned sleepover!
25. Meeting at that place and him having arranged for all my allergy needs to have attention
26. Him being so tender about my awkward, uncomfortable initial meeting with Jo
27. Our walk through his childhood neighborhood.
28. I saw his house!
29. He shared stories with me
30. The church. With the stained glass window donated by L’s dad.
31. That he shared that with me.
32. And more stories, like his 3rd-grade detention one.
33. And L. listens when I talk.
34. And our dinner, my birthday dinner with dear L, and his good friends, S and Jo. And I wound up loving her and liking them both. And had a wonderful time!
35. And L – my dear L – is comfortable being affectionate at the table.
36. And his wheedling our way in – to that romantic table for two by the window for our wines, and the sharing of them with the water sips in-between. I’ve never done that with anyone before.
37. Us agreeing today to keep some things just between us.
38. There’s an us!
39. And we didn’t specify what things. And that’s good. Because all is fine and well.
40. And us being driven back to L’s house last Sat by S and Jo
41. Me – laying back with my legs on my L, and him loving my lacy stockinged feet
42. And massaging and sort of deep-caressing them. I’ve never had that before either!
43. And the humming of the sitcom theme songs from our youths, and guessing – mostly him humming and me guessing.
44. And laughing…!
45. Then Jo and S joining in too. And here I was, caressing and/or being caressed, as always, by my dear L, humming and guessing and laughing. Me! Gleeful and giddy – IN A TUNNEL!
46. And when we go back. L sharing his house with me.
47. And his memories
48. And his photos
49. And I think even, his feelings.
50. And us getting through the one awkward photo-album moment.
51. And his open-mindedness.
52. And us going to bed. Together.
53. And him agreeing to change in another room.
54. And us having lovely romantic and sexual time in bed that evening.
55. And me falling asleep WITH L. As I had wanted to so many times!
56. He had to leave the bed, but at least I had some of that time.
57. And the next morning. Oh. Romping on the bed with romance and sweetness but also hotness and sexuality. Wow.
58. And him driving me home and not coming in, as per our agreement, so as not to make me uncomfortable.
59. And our talks this week. Yet another level of closeness.
60. And the *hysterical * laughter we’ve had this past week!
61. And my L. agreeing to take the hiv test.
62. And at least to using a condom until.
63. And last night. Getting to use not only my hand, as last time, but my mouth on him. He has a beautiful penis.
64. And a beautiful body.
65. And I think we have a way to have intercourse soon. And I am so happy about that. I will do anything for him. And enjoy every minute of it.
66. Yesterday, him standing outside as I arrived.
67. Taking in my bags.
68. Us making out.
69. Then going out. Him showing me around that fabulous place.
70. And meeting S and Jo again for a meal. And having an even deeper nice time. Talking about spirituality, yoga, headaches, school, nursing, Louis’ so-clean bathrooms…all the while my rose-patterned lace stockinged feet playing their way around his legs and, um, lap.
71. And his hands intertwining with them.
72. And our going home. Yes, this time it felt not like going ‘back to his house,” but like going “home.”
73. That bedroom. That haven he has created. Luxurious. And I’m allowed – and even desired – and even invited into it! With him!
74. Our time in the office last night. Me on my back on the floor with him reading his unbelievably fantastic published reviews to me, two of them!
75. Him lying on me again. Oh that’s such magic whenever he does that.
76. Then us moving into the bedroom
77. And all those lovelies we shared.
78. And falling asleep in each other’s arms.
79. Waking up without him there was : ( but I went down and lay on the loveseat for a while, so I’d be near him. I am grateful that I was near him.
80. And – that I went back up, got a bit of sleep, came back down, and he took me back up.
81. Oh, my God, my L. gave me the most amazing sexual experience. The. Most. Amazing.
82. When he said, “I love doing that to you.” And I said, “I love you doing it too.” And that brilliant man said, “Then why don’t you let me?” Oh! Wonderful! What a response!
83. And my L. gave me pleasure, with intention. More than “just” physical.
84. And astonishing waves and waves.
85. And he called them, “bouquets of” – what did he call them? I’m so tired. “Bouquets of pleasure?” I loved what he called them.
86. And then an earth-shattering orgasm. Oh my God.
87. He said he wanted to learn me. And to please help him to and to be free to say…
88. And because L. is so safe for me, I was able to say. Like, higher and faster.
89. And he found everything I needed. And he brought me pleasure I can’t even describe. He brought me to ecstasy.
90. And on his way kissing back up my body, he got to my center and said, “I love you.” And I said it back. And I said, Thank you, over and over. And I love you, over and over. And I don’t care if that was too much and he needs to back up a little now. He can think of it as pillow talk. But I love him.
91. And we had two private museum tours. And in one the man recognized this beautiful Professor. And even when L. said his own name with the hand-shaking business, as they do, the young man called him Professor.
92. And L. repeated his first name, like, kind of a – no, you may call me L. And then last night L. referred, to me, to my funny remark, “Wow. *You’re * allowed to call him L. He makes *me * call him Professor.” I’m glad he liked that.
93. And my L. was able to go out with his friends last night, and I think eat well, and have a nice time.
94. And we talked for over 200 minutes last night. But my goodness, it didn’t feel it.
95. Our time flies.
96. L. felt my tingles. He brought me to such heights – of sex AND life – that my special parts and entire body literally, physically tingled for over an hour after the big O!
97. And he felt them! I was not outwardly trembling. Yet he felt it. There was one point when I felt a major hip one against him as we lay naked, talking, and just as I felt it – with no outward tremble – he mentioned that he felt it right from there! This is amazing.
98. My L. is taking me out with two other couples from him family next Sat.
99. My L. said he is in this for the long-term.
100. My L. accepts and appreciates me for who I am.

Readings

For Today

"Abstinence is as easy for me as temperance is difficult." Samuel Johnson

"Deciding I'm going to have a binge tonight and then quit is like saying I'll be green-eyed today and go back to being blue-eyed tomorrow morning. As crazy as that sounds, it's what i did before I came to OA. Against all the evidence, I thought i could handle an occasional pig-out, as many noncompulsive pepole do. I stubbornly refused to recognize the difference between myself an the normies; I COULD NOT STOP. As one OA putr it, "First there was the Friday night eat-all-you-want plan, which quickly became the weekend plan, which quickly slopped over into Monday and Tuesday, which then swallowed up the entire week.'

For today: As a compulsive overeater, it is far easier for me to abstain from overindulgence in food than to try to become a 'normal' binger."

Wow. Did I ever need to hear this!

--

Voice of Recovery

"For the sake of our compulsive eating, we have turned ourselves into objects of ridicule and we have destroyed our health." OA 12 & 12 p. 10

"I was my compulsive overeating. I had lost my identity and all direction in my life. The insanity of trying to fill the emotional emptiness and the spiritual void with food consumed me. i lost my health, my ability to work, and my marriage to this disease. I am yet without these, but I see the joy and freedom of recovery. I feel neither regret not 'if only,' but simply a humble thankfulness that the craziness of my life managed to take the path that led me to God and to my daily recovery."

Wow. Really neded this too!

--

Feelings Work

I feel:

Fatigued
Coughy
Cold - like there's not enough hot liquid or heat on the earth for me

Happily anxious! I see L in a few hours. For an overnight visit. I can't wait for him! His touch, his kiss, our laughing together (unrelated to the touches and kisses lol), lying with him.
Hopefully tonight he'll be able to stay in bed longer. (Insomniac).
Hopefully tonight something else might be able to come around and stay around a little too: )

I'm a TINY bit nervous about the drive - about not going 70 mph because of my tire - but how to do that when everyone else will be

I'm almost frantic about getting this place cleaned and getting ready for London in time. Since I work all week, and sleep over L's once a weekend now (or he, here)...

I'm EXCITED ABOUT LIFE!
And THAT'S the big news!

Thank you, God.

Grats

I am grateful:

1. That I got the garbage out.
2. That L and I were able to openly discuss those – things
3. I will spend the night there this weekend
4. I cleaned the spilled water from the floor
5. I am well-liked at work
6. I am respected, also
7. I’m grateful for that time with L in my arms, sharing his hundred gratitudes. So grateful for that
8. And for the father kvelling over his son’s story writing yesterday morning.
9. Little L, my student, precious heart, who just stood up out of the blue, walked about 6 feet over to me, and said, “I love you, Mrs. _____.” In the middle of the day yesterday.
10. And I said, “I love you too, L.”
11. And we hugged. What a sweet and lucky moment for me.
12. Then, in typical 2nd-grader fashion, he added, having only ever HAD 3 teachers in this school, “You’re one of my two favorite teachers!” SO cute!
13. EJ
14. Julie
15. JJ
16. Birdie
17. L
18. Our great talk last night.
19. His cherishing of me
20. That although I’ve been up since 1:30 am, I do feel okay
21. Less than 2 weeks til London!
22. My OA sponsor
23. How happy my precious students have been lately
24. That I am finding my way to make them giggle and feel special and feel like they’re getting special little favors and things
25. The faculty room. I never used to use it. And now I do. And it’s fun.
26. Same with mailboxes. I know, it sounds ridiculous. But I used to be so shy. And the former principal, although in a way I loved her, was so intimidating to all of us and particularly to my shyness, that I avoided that area like the plague. Now I go there freely, with confidence.
27. That I smile so much at work.
28. That I HAVE work. For support, of course.
29. But also for my emotional health!
30. That what I used to think of as “the bad place,” because it kept me from J (!), I now realize is a safe place. Oh joy.
31. Emergency-C
32. Coffee
33. Hot tea
34. Fresh, clean water to drink.
35. That I can do laundry right here in my house.
36. That L. appreciates me so.
37. Have I already shared this? I don’t know. But I am so so so grateful for it. In back of car, other couple in front. They in their discussion and L and I in ours. Happy moments.
38. Then when L was chatting with one or both in front, I kicked off my shoes and started to lean back and put my legs over his. And said, “Do you mind if I do this?” And that felt good.
39. And he ignored! Was so focused on what they were saying. So I repeated, “Do you mind?” And he sort of shirked it off – was very laser-beamed in with the conversation – and sort of waved a hand and mumbled, “No.” Fine. But THEN – a moment later, he glanced down and saw my black-lace-stockinged feet on his lap and gasped a little. And said, “Oh! How sexy!”
40. And kneaded and massaged my feet for the rest of the trip! (30 minutes?)
41. And he and I were humming sitcom themes from our childhood and guessing which and the words. It was such fun.
42. And then the other couple joined in. Such fun.
43. And there I – phobic to step into an elevator a few months ago, afraid of tunnels for YEARS – was, *giddy * and *gleeful * - in the TUNNEL! The tunnel didn’t faze me. I was too filled with happiness.
44. And I told my dr.
45. And first he seemed to almost ignore it. I mean, he had sort of a wistful smile on his face about he romantic stuff, but NO REACTION TO THE TUNNEL NEWS? Then I said, “Did you hear me, that this was in a TUNNEL?” And he said, “But you didn’t know you were in the tunnel, right?” And I said, “Wrong! I DID know! The whole time! And I was giddy and gleeful! In a TUNNEL!”
46. And he picked up his pen and wrote! : )
47. And maybe this erection business WILL wind up okay?
48. Hope. Hope, always hope.
49. Just put in a load of laundry. Had trouble! It wouldn’t go on. First, I worried. Then, I thought, “Power – trace electric cord.” But only for a moment. Then I thought, “I must call J! What time do I have to wait until, before I call?” (Because still middle of night here). Then I thought of M, and could I use her washer later, and O, and how she goes to Laundromat – no help there – and then – then – I thought, “Wait a minute! Don’t panic. TRY something.” So I went and got the big flashlight, which I do keep handy, and made my away across the ickidy cellar to the circuit breaker box. In MY house, that *I * pay for! And turned each one off, then on. Then went back. Still wouldn’t turn on. Then I thought, “Trace the power cord carefully now, with the flashlight. And nothing to panic about. Worse comes to worse, you’ll go to a Laundromat this evening… And I carefully traced it. And there it was – the cord wasn’t plugged in, far away, up by “ceiling” where it should be! Plugged it in, turned on washer, and all is well!
50. And now, since then, I have talked with M for like an hour and a half on the phone! Two closest friends – heart-sisters. Each fully sharing. Each fully listening. Each fully loving. Isn’t love wonderful? All kinds of love.
51. Ka, my Reiki teacher, my friend. I love her too.
52. Morning sweet e-mails with L.
53. My drive to work. It’s a nice drive.
54. Will take mother for her milkshake and hamburger later.
55. Maybe can arrange quick pedicure first. Needed!:)
56. I am grateful for kisses.
57. And for the hope of lovemaking with L.
58. And that he’s going for the hiv test today. Because I won’t do it without it.
59. L said he will get the hiv test. Make appointment today.
60. That felt good to me. Then, I told Mer, and she said that was sweet.
61. I *am * stronger than I thought! (Right?)
62. I have experienced stomach hunger a FEW times lately! Great! I am letting myself eat as a response to stomach hunger! Yay!
63. French lesson Monday.
64. Can do some of the homework this weekend?
65. J. swears we’ll be fair to each other. (We’ll see).
66. Have cried this morning. But guess needed to…
67. Have also played a little sweet piano, no music. Needed to.
68. Romance.
69. Being treated like a lady.
70. Being cherished. And being told I am.
71. Being given helpful directions by my therapist as to how not to lose myself into L.
72. Following them, the best I can.
73. A potentially not-too-hard day at work today.
74. My hair
75. My teeth
76. My eyes
77. I will be with Thich Nhat Hahn soon!
78. Oh my gosh, his monks and nuns will probably sing!
79. Phone
80. Cell phone
81. House charger
82. Car charger
83. Lentils and whole grain rice for breakfast
84. And hot coffee
85. Will have lunch from store by school, and free because have gift certificate
86. L said he’s getting massage today. I hope that’s true (for him)
87. I’ll figure out a dinner for tonight
88. Eyesight
89. Hearing
90. Reading Helen Keller to the kids
91. Helping M yesterday with her class
92. My principal
93. Smiles
94. Typing
95. That I have a home. Right now I have a home
96. The times I’ve been driven places
97. The times I’ve been taken to buy craft stuff, by J
98. Doggie, although I miss her terribly, is probably quite happy where she is
99. My hands
100. Sending L good healing energy last night

"Julie"

In case you don't see my reply to your comment, here it is again:

Julie, thank you SO MUCH! I also practice Mindfulness. Will be sitting again with Thich Nhat Hahn very soon.
I am SO HAPPY to meet you.
Thank you *so much* for your kind words!
Thank you, thank you.
Blessing to you too!
Namaste,
Lynn

Grats

I am grateful:
Hard, but I am

1. Finally, a morning without tv! Yesterday!
2. Classical music station
3. CDs – classical – burned for me by L.
4. Hearing the birds outside Wed. am!
5. Now it’s Thursday. I don’t feel so fucking grateful, on account of my talk with therapist yesterday about some stuff that happened and didn’t happen with L. last weekend in bed, and my subsequent discussion with L. (initiated by him, on the phone), about what it turns out are erection problems. But I know I have bazillions of things to be grateful for, so with heavy heart, I shall continue. I am very grateful that I saw Jupiter and Venus, so close and so bright last night.
6. And I told some neighbors passing by, “Look up! Look up!”
7. And in each case, they’d look at me like, “Uh oh, crazy lady.” But then I’d say, “Look – it’s Jupiter and Venus!” And then they’d look up.
8. And in each case they enjoyed
9. And were so thankful to me
10. And then some really cool teenage boys, with the attendant ball and the language, came along. And I said, “Guys! Look up! Look up!” Got the, “Crazy lady,” look, and I said, “It’s Jupiter and Venus!” and they looked up.
11. And they – these supposedly so rough and tough and cool male teens – were awe-struck!
12. And they were looking and looking.
13. And walking closer to a better view (in terms of trees).
14. And taking pictures with their cell phones.
15. Then they were thanking me!
16. Then as the group walked on, 2 or 3 walked back to look more.
17. And to snap more pictures. This was a majorly cool experience in my life.
18. And all the while, I was on the phone with L.
19. Last weekend, in the sleepy morning, in each other’s arms on his sofa, he started sharing gratitudes. Because he was interested in my practice, and wanted to see how many he could get. I’m not sure if I’ve shared this before, but I am so grateful for it today, and want to express that gratitude here.
20. He wanted to see how many he could get, so I said I would count. And I’m grateful I said that.
21. And that he was so gratified that I would do that for him!
22. And before each one, he was really thinking, and would say, “I’m grateful that,” or, “I’m grateful for,” and I loved that. It was SO sweet.
23. And at about 21, he was slowing down, and I said, “You’re doing great!”
24. And that re-sparked him.
25. And he kept going.
26. And at about 52, I though, “My God, he’s more than halfway there. And he thought he’d only get 10!”
27. And I said, “Wow. You’re doing great!”
28. And a couple of times he said something like, “Oh, I shouldn’t say this but,” and I said, “This is sacred. You can do nothing wrong. If you are grateful, you say it. No criticisms.”
29. And he continued!
30. And at about 80, I thought, “Oh my God, he’s going to get to it. I’m so happy for him.”
31. And I could TELL how powerful this experience was for him.
32. And at one point, I said, “Would you like me to tell you when you get to a hundred, or would you like just to keep going as long as you can?”
33. “No, no! Tell me! Tell me! I want to know!”
34. So I said, “Okay then, keep going. You’re doing great.”
35. And he did one more.
36. And I said, “One hundred.”
37. And he was like – blissful.
38. And we were in each other’s arms through this whole thing.
39. And then we hugged and kissed. And smiled. And hugged. And kissed. And smiled.
40. This was actually a highlight of my life. And I’m so glad I had it.
41. And I’m grateful that I told him so.
42. Countries at peace.
43. Humor.
44. M’s love for me.
45. The amazing suitcase she bought me.
46. And it’s Anne Klein!
47. And I’m glad she got it for 2/3 off the price!
48. And it’s beautiful!
49. And has compartment for delicates!
50. And for cosmetics!
51. And place to hang things to avoid wrinkles. (Am I repeating? Been up for over 3 hours, busy, rushed, and stressed about the problem).
52. And NO LEATHER
53. And NO SUEDE
54. And NO ANIMAL PARTS AT ALL!
55. And I’m not even putting it away until after I get back.
56. It is sitting like a beautiful sculpture in my living room.
57. Soon L. will visit me here.
58. But this weekend, I will go out there.
59. And still take my mother shopping
60. And to the bank
61. A very useful therapist appointment yesterday
62. And long, honest talk with L. last night.
63. MA’s friendship
64. And S’s
65. And that I’ve gotten support from Ma for MA
66. And from J for MA
67. And from S for MA
68. Life
69. Breath
70. God
71. Buddha
72. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water
73. Thich Nhat Hahn!
74. I’ll be with him soon!
75. London awaits me!
76. My French lessons!
77. My piano!
78. My piano lessons!
79. Enough money to do these things (for now, and please God, longer)
80. A great lawyer
81. And that maybe won’t be needed! (Please, J., be fair!)
82. My job
83. My house
84. My car
85. E-mail
86. TEXTING!
87. My new, and first, SMARTPhone, my iPhone
88. O
89. Good conferences so far
90. Only a few more
91. Weekend soon
92. Plenty of good foods
93. More salads lately
94. Poppy seeds
95. That I don’t do drugs
96. Nice wine. And that a little wine sometimes, is not a problem at all for me
97. Garbage out later for pick-up tomorrow!
98. Good doctors
99. That I didn’t kill myself
100. That I have had so many happy moments since then.
101. Especially lately.

I have a problem:(

I will quite blatant about it here.
L has some erection problems.
Damn. Fuck.
I am dying to make love with this man.
We have had some sexual activity. (My lawyer says it is fine divorce-agreement wise).
Our sexual activity has been blissful for me. I feel like I'm with a *man.* Not a boy, not a Peter Pan. A luscious man.
I could so fall in love with him.
He is so very tender with me. I trust him. I feel - and I am - safe with him. He is brilliant. I'm not just waxing poetic. I've never known anyone with this caliber of a brain. Strong in both left-brain and right! Physics, mathematics, art, music, languages, emotional intelligence, quick-thinker, vocabulary. His brain-power actually turns me on.
He is funny as funny can be, and leaves me in stitches with clever, and sometimes purposefully absurd humor! I love this!
He listens, and hears with understanding.
He is very cute and has a wonderful body. And pictures of him younger - he looks like a leading man movie star!

We have spoken and written wondrous sexual things.

And it fucking turns out he has fucking erection problems. Fucking damn it! Damn damn damn! I am SO fucking upset about this!!!!!
I FINALLY meet a man with whom I could make love. Not be used, not have childish bullshit sex, not be fucked like a masturbation receptacle,
and he maybe can't even do it! Or maybe only sometimes.

Fuck fuck fuck!

I am truly sorry for my language, but I am beyond frustrated! I am FURIOUS! With whom irl can I discuss this? I can't tell my friends - it might feel confidential to him (and he doesn't know you guys - you don't even know his name!).
I'm certainly not gonna discuss it with HIS friends (some of whom I've met) or family (some of whom I'm meeting next weekend).
My shrink can only say what-the-fuck ever a shrink can say.

Damn it to hell. I'm so fucking mad. I'm furious!

I want him with a grown-up-woman-sincere passion I have never felt before!

Now what?

Fuck.