Readings

For Today:

"What is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place." T.S. Eliot

"Do I think there is a certain way to be with people - the set smile, the too firm handshake - playing a part, well-practiced and for a specific return. Why, then, is there a feeling of loneliness after a day with people? Because that is not a satisfying way to live. The alternative is Trust. Trust in my Higher Power to help me speak honestly. Trust in the unselfish impulse, the spontaneous greeting, the invitation given or accepted. A wish for a guarantee plays no part in trust. Sometimes I need to forget the past and trust my perception of the moment, take the risk and act on it.

For today: In the same way I trust in my Higher Power to keep my abstinent, I let go preconceived notions and trust the moment for what it is. I avoid the tendency to control a situation, so that thoughts and ideas may flow freely.

--

Voices of Recovery:

"Real humility about our character defects carries with it acceptance." OA 12 & 12 p. 61

"I think of my personality characteristics as being something similar to a sound system. When the characteristics are moderate, the volume control is in the center. When the characteristics are way out of proportion, they become character defects. Take self-esteem, for example. If the volume is too high, I am practicing false pride. If the volume is too low, I am suffering from self-esteem problems.
I have to acknowledge, if I am humble, that my character defects may never be removed, but they an be tempered. They can be moderated by my Higher Power as long as I take my hands off the volume control. humility means I know these things are going to keep showing up, and I get to keep asking God to put me back in balance.

--

In This Moment:

"In This Moment, gratitude works.

A few years ago, I read a book that said the best prayer is a gratitude prayer. Since that day, my prayers always start with, 'Thank you, God.' It works! When I lost my job, I started a daily prayer thanking God for the new jo I knew would come. Despite my being unemployed, I had serenity because I was confident in my Higher Power's will for me. Today, I have the best job i ever had. Thank you, God."

--

The Language of Letting Go

"Being Right

Recovery is not about being right; it's about allowing ourselves to be who we are and accepting others as they are.
That concept can be difficult for many of us if we have lived in systems that functioned on the 'right-wrong' justice scale. The person who was right was okay; the person who was wrong was shamed. All value and worth may have depended on being right; to be wrong meant annihilation of self and self-esteem.
In recovery, we are learning how to strive for love in our relationships, not superiority. yes, we may need to make decisions about people's behavior from time to time. If someone is hurting us, we need to stand up for ourselves. We have a responsibility to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. But we do not need to justify taking care of ourselves by condemning someone else. We can avoid the trap of focusing on others instead of ourselves.
In recovery, we are learning that what we do needs to be RIGHT only for us. What others do is their business and needs to be right only for them. It's tempting to rest in the superiority of being right and in analyzing other people's motives and actions, but it's more rewarding to look deeper.
Today, I will remember that I don't have to hide behind being right. I don't have to justify what I want and need with saying something is 'right' or 'wrong.' I can let myself be who I am.

==

Grats

I am grateful:

1. The calm I do have, despite everything going on.
2. That I do my morning work.
3. That I was a tremendous help to M yesterday
4. That I did manage to get my schedule up for the day we return
5. And I have the week off now!
6. That the laptop is working. (It almost wasn’t)
7. That on the way home yesterday, after feeling really nervous, I had this tremendous acceptance. Like, “I’ll be as smart as possible and get good help, and after that, what comes of it all comes of it all, period.” Regarding J and the money and my mother.
8. And everything, really.
9. That looking forward to some time soon with Thich Nhat Hahn is helping me so much
10. That I’m feeling the power in my hands again. Like the Reiki and spirituality through my hands. I am special this way.
11. I’m grateful for this life. Life, crazy life. But it’s nice to be here.
12. And that I’m able.
13. Able to think
14. To work
15. To walk
16. To see
17. To speak
18. To eat
19. To drink
20. To exercise
21. To breathe. All of these things on my own.
22. Will get passport stuff going today. Nervous about doing it! But can. Can. (I think I can).
23. Plus, I will feel so much better afterward.
24. I think, unlike last time, I will do the report cards asap rather than later. Get them over with.
25. And try to enjoy. Because as Thich Nhat Hahn says, “Life is only available in the present moment.” So I WANT *this * moment.
26. I am grateful that Roseanne repeat is on right now. It is cute (junky) background for me
27. I am grateful, very grateful, for MA
28. And ML
29. And S
30. And St
31. And Jo
32. And O
33. And M
34. And K
35. And B
36. And Tr
37. And Sh
38. And A
39. And N
40. And Li
41. And OA people
42. And OA sponsor
43. And CoDA sponsor
44. I’m so grateful that my thumb still works
45. And that I’m still doing those exercises
46. And for my cousin K
47. And for Ch
48. And my diversion of L
49. And possible others
50. And that I don’t isolate as much!
51. And I’ll buy a few clothes this week.
52. And continue treating my body well.
53. And better and better.
54. Dr. Oz
55. Dr. Phil
56. Oprah over the years
57. Buddha
58. Prayer
59. Reiki
60. Thich Nhat Hahn!
61. G, who introduced me to TNH
62. Air
63. Home
64. Heat!
65. Fresh coffee this am
66. Breakfast soon
67. Good veggies in house
68. Cashing 284. check today. And don’t have to share half.
69. Laughter
70. Some time alone – “down time” except that expression can imply a different kind of down and I don’t mean that
71. Blankets
72. Treadmill
73. Balance thing
74. Exercise bands
75. Online exercises
76. DVDs
77. The word, “Namaste.”
78. Magazines. Yup, really.
79. Envelopes. Really.
80. Vegan shoes
81. Vegan pocket books
82. My grandmother, Noni.
83. My hair
84. My eyes
85. My meds
86. My digestive system
87. Plants
88. The oak tree!
89. The bamboo in the back
90. Doggie
91. Every bird I’ve had
92. Every fish I’ve had
93. The turtles I had
94. My stove
95. My dishwasher!
96. My new microwave
97. Windows. I am truly grateful for these things
98. Tea
99. Cinnamon
100. African Sweet Potato Peanut stew

Sense of Calm

There are miracles.
There are.

My heart has been broken by J.
I am worried about my mother.
I am dependent on his outlook for whether I face financial ruin (the law is really stupid!)
I'm exhausted.

But
I have a sense of calm.
Not denial.
Not euphoria.
Just calm.

I think it's acceptance.
Like, "I will do all I can in the smartest ways possible, and then I will let go."

Plus, I'm excited about England!

Plus, French!

It's like:
I'm glad I'm alive!
I look forward to things!
But I live in the moment.
And I'm not horribly stressed.
Oh My God I am so grateful!

I, who a year ago wanted to throw myself behind a moving car (backing up).

This
gratitudes
readings
CoDA work
OA
Affirmations
prayer
do-the-next-right-thing
Listen to really smart people like EJ, JJ, and Birdie,
and have some fun
and take care of the body

stuff

really works!

If *you* are suffering, DO NOT GIVE UP!
Things change.
I "knew" they couldn't for me,
and yet they did. They are.

It is the time of the worst circumstances for me, and yet I'm okay.
Plus who knows what tomorrow will bring?
And who knows what I'll decide to do with it?

Life is an adventure.
I accept that now.
And instead of looking for security,
I embrace the real thing: life on life's terms.

And it's wonderful

Bless you all!

Affirmations

God made me.
I am a child of the universe.
I deserve to be here.
I appreciate nature.

The universe is full of abundance for me!
Every day my life is getting better and better!

I am lovable!
I am love!

I am good enough!

I am so happy!

CoDA

I feel:

Afraid about my mother and J's insistence we tell her.
Looking forward a little to the relief that might eventually bring me - like nothing else to be afraid of.

Afraid about money.
Hopeful that he'll accept my very generous offer, through which we could both be okay.

Glad vaca is coming.
Physically run-down and almost depleted.

Anxious about time this morning.
Grateful for friends.

Grateful for so much.

Hopeful.

5 good things about me:
K loves me
I am a child of God
I helped my friend a lot last night and today
People like to socialize with me
I am funny - people always say that

Readings

For Today:

"To be obliged to beg our daily happiness from others bespeaks a more lamentable poverty than that of him who begs his daily bread." Charles Caleb Colton

"Where do I get my self-worth? Do I rely on others to make me feel good? Does my self-esteem go up and down according to what people think of me? Why are other people's opinions of me worth more than my own?
When I find myself looking to another to make me feel worthwhile, I can ask myself why I need someone else's opinion. I take responsibility for my happiness and self-esteem, knowing that practicing the twelve-step program to the best of my ability each day is all I really need to feel good about myself.

For today: Practicing the OA principles in all my affairs means giving myself spiritual sustenance."

--

Voices of Recovery

"Those of us who live this program don't simply carry the message; we are the message. Each day that we live well, we are well, and we embody the joy of recovery." OA 12 & 12 p. 106

"When I first walked into the rooms of OA, I was like the candle whose light is flickering and close to going out. I was sick in mind, body, and spirit; I was hopeless.
Many OA members describe OA as the last house on the block. I do not know if that is true since I do not know where the block begins or ends. i do know that what I found in OA can be found only in the heart and mind of another recovering compulsive overeater. The flickering light that I came in with became stronger, and the hopelessness turned into hopefulness.
I can be a living example or a dying example of how the program works. My courage to recover and my experience in OA serve as an example to those who know me. I represent and carry the message of hope."

Wow.

--

In This Moment:

"In This Moment, I mind my own business.

I'm grateful for the CoDA program. I've learned that by allowing others to live their own lives, I have the time and energy to tend to my own affairs. I once thought I was helping others by doing things for them. I gave them a silent message that I thought they werent capable of doing for themselves. I gained a false sense of importance, but avoided real growth opportunities. As a result, their self-esteem suffered and so did min.

Now, I'm aware that my relationships with others improve when I mind only my business. My good feelings about myself increase as I work through my own issues. I always have plenty to do!

--

The Language of Letting Go

"Acceptance

Our basic recovery concept that never loses its power to work miracles is the concept called ACCEPTANCE.
We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings - sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness. But if acceptance is our goal, we will achieve it.
What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called 'us' - with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history - is worthy of acceptance and brings healing feelings.
To accept our circumstances is another miraculous cure. For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept ourselves, others, and the circumstance exactly as they are. Then, we need to take it one step further. we need to become GRATEFUL for ourselves, others, and the circumstance exactly as they are. Then, we need to take it one step further. We need to become GRATEFUL for ourselves or our circumstances. We add a touch of faith by saying, 'I know this is exactly the way it's supposed to be for the moment.'
no matter how complicated we get, the basics never lose their power to restore us to sanity.

Today, God, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life. Help me accept myself, others, and my circumstances. Take me one step further, and help me feel grateful."

==

Grats

I am grateful:

1. For all the months my mother’s had not knowing. J’s insisting we tell her now, and I’m grateful for the freedom from it I’ve bought her.
2. That tomorrow I can start the passport process!
3. Piano
4. French. French French French
5. M. is having a VERY hard time. I’m grateful that I’m there for her so much.
6. I’m also grateful that she loves me. She’s a very good friend, as am I.
7. And that we laugh together too.
8. I’m grateful vacation is starting. I admit with shame, that I’ve let myself get run down again. But I’ll have 9 days to heal.
9. And to have some fun!
10. And during that week I’ll have a French lesson.
11. And a therapy session.
12. And a – gulp – date.
13. And I’ll make my arrangements for 2 days of sightseeing in London. Maybe one will be that 11 hour tour of Bath and Stonehenge and Windsor.
14. And I’ll leave one day free to go to the Tate or something.
15. I’m grateful for life.
16. I’m even grateful for this life.
17. And very grateful that I feel that. It’s like – finally(!) – who knows and who cares, just go with it, be as smart as you can about your future, and enjoy this day.
18. I’m very very grateful that I have 2 greens already prepared in the fridge, and two orange veggie things. I bought them, I didn’t make them. But/and I am SO grateful that I can eat so well today.
19. Oranges. I’ve had a few this week. To me, they are little miracles.
20. Taking better care of my precious body now.
21. Finally realizing it is precious.
22. That I do this morning work.
23. The readings I am fortunate to have every morning.
24. My sponsor.
25. Ph yesterday. What a lovely woman. I’ve known her for years, but it was the first personal talk we’ve had. And she’d like us to go to dinner. I’d be happy to. I think we shall.
26. I’m intensely grateful, truly, that I just took time, like 20 minutes or something, and ate a veggie breakfast. Slowly, Feeding my body with love and care, a normal sized portion of a healthy food. So grateful for that.
27. Very uncomfortable talks with M last night and for a whole hour this morning. I don’t easily give from my spiritual time. But she was in true need. And I’m glad I did it. And I’m glad I then nurtured myself. It is time. It is time. (Maybe past time, but do NOT want to live in regret).
28. I feel calm. Very worried about mother layer added to the J heartbreak, very worried about money layer added to that. And yet I feel a calmness, thank God.
29. Reiki
30. Just had a deep breath.
31. Am going to take it very gentle on/with myself today. While giving to this kids, of course. But gentle on self.
32. The “blurb” I wrote the photographer yesterday, about our project
33. M approving it too (as she is involved)
34. And the photographer saying it’s great. I was stressed a bit about doing it, and I’m grateful that it’s done.
35. And that it’s good enough.
36. And for that concept: good enough.
37. And that I’ve taught it to M
38. And that she remembers it a lot too
39. I am so grateful for fun!
40. I believe I shall have some fun in London!
41. And – and – M just said her parents do not like ANYONE using their home in Florida. But they would like her and me to use it for a few days this summer!
42. And – they want to pay for MY flight!
43. So I CAN go!! Wow!
44. And that I will help her set up her rental place this summer too, like I’ll move stuff, or clean stuff, whatever she needs. I’m grateful that she has like 8 of us to help.
45. That I am breathing. Well. Despite all that is going on. Wow.
46. That somehow, I do think with all my hard work, my brain, maybe some tutoring…God WILL protect me financially. I will never redo my furniture or have an expensive or even new car… but I maybe won’t be homeless, or eating cat food. I’m not exaggerating. I am grateful that that might not happen to me.
47. I believe I shall have to tutor a bit (not any conflict-of-interest-type students, of course!).
48. But I’m grateful I’ll know how to.
49. With all my experience at the top of my profession, you’d think I’d have some confidence in my ability to do this. I don’t. At all. But M explained to me exactly how to do it in one subject, for example. I think I shall start asap.
50. Prayer
51. Spirituality.
52. That Ph said she’ll pray for me. I believe that is the greatest gift anyone can give me.
53. That I believe I’ll pray for her.
54. My hands. I feel like they keep me in touch with the most important things. Like prayer
55. Like Reiki
56. Like lotus (bow/offer lotus to others).
57. That we started a new and great song yesterday, me and the two classes.
58. That we meditated together.
59. That we watched a reading rainbow together.
60. And it had great lessons about living well together in it.
61. That I *am * helping children. Even with all I’ve been going through. (Please God, keep helping me to do so even better).
62. I can see MA after school maybe (she said). I do hope to.
63. Or, I can come home and rest. I need rest. My body is feeling depleted.
64. Vegetables.
65. Fruits
66. Juices
67. Nuts
68. Seeds
69. Whole grains
70. Water. Water water water
71. Those 1986 Mets games J and I watched together.
72. And listened to together on radio.
73. And went to together.
74. That he was always careful with money. I’d had even less if it hadn’t been for that.
75. That maybe, just maybe, he’ll accept my offer.
76. I shall start my better saving TODAY. I will be able to. I have done it before.
77. I will NOT screw J. I will be fair. I hope he accepts what I have to offer; it is a lot, but I can live with it. And it is less than the state thinks he’s entitled to.
78. I might have a top divorce lawyer who loves me for how I treated her kid, help for nothing or cheap – like one session. We’ll see.
79. My therapist.
80. My phone therapist.
81. Vitamins.
82. Pills when I need them.
83. That I don’t really drink (few wine glasses a year)
84. That I don’t abuse prescriptions – overuse or mix on my own or drink with….Thank you, God, for that.
85. Typing. It relaxes me.
86. Foxes
87. Free birds
88. Trees
89. Rabbits
90. And that second graders call them bunnies.
91. The great book I’m reading to the kids. And how they’re loving it.
92. Something great about D – she has great book recommendations.
93. And she has always shared them with me. I appreciate that.
94. I’m grateful that I CAN appreciate that
95. And she brought me hummus yesterday. That was nice of her.
96. EJ
97. JJ
98. Birdie.
99. Not being alone in cyber-space.
100. Showers
101. Socks
102. That I exist, on my own, as a person, a whole person. This is huge.