Grats

I am grateful:

1. That at least I’m not despairing.
2. My anti-depressant
3. MA will go to dr. today
4. I opened up some new magnets from the feelings-magnet box. That means some things are changing.
5. Today’s For Today: “You find in solitude only what you take to it.” Juan Ramon Jimenez
6. “If I force preconceived notions onto a problem, what can I learn?
7. “To learn something new, I need an open mind, a trusting mind which can wander into places that once frightened me.
8. “Rather than suppress thoughts and feelings, it is better to give them a good airing, to look at them in the clear light of day.
9. “Unattended, hidden feelings, like illusions, once defeated me. Today, I know that feelings cannot hurt me as long as I’m willing to look at them and see them for what they are.”
10. That last year I’d written, and I see it there now: “I don’t know that. Can’t they drive me crazy?” And I don’t exactly think that now. So there’s some growth.
11. “For today: What I bring to my moments of solitude, when I look inward at my feelings and attitudes, is self-honesty and openmindedness.”
12. And that last year there, I had written: “But scary.” Which is like what A. was saying to me at the party about herself the other night. But I don’t feel that AS strongly now.
13. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Our Higher Power gives us the power, providing we do the footwork.” A Plan of Eating, p. 5
14. “During the black, bleak time before I found abstinence” That alone is a thought that makes me grateful now.
15. “During the black, bleak time before I found abstinence and the Steps, I was filled with fear, depression, loneliness, despair, and self-pity.” Yes! That’s me!
16. “I was always looking for something to ‘fix’ me: a relationship, more money, the perfect diet, a better shrink.” Yes!
17. “Mostly I wanted someone to take care of me forever.” Yes. Yes.
18. “Guess what? That’s exactly what I’ve found in recovery – a Higher Power who takes care of me forever.
19. “I no longer doubt that there is such a power.
20. “There’s too much proof that something responds to me when I’m willing to change.
21. “My only job is to do the footwork and to trust.” Do the footwork AND trust.
22. “I believe this search for connection to a Higher Power is the ‘hole’ I tried to fill with food.” Hmmm. Okay. With “any” definition of a Higher Power.
23. “It is as if I wandered away from home long ago in an amnesia so deep I didn’t even know I was lost.” Yes.
24. “But something kept calling me to a pathway of healing and hope.
25. “It called me to OA. It called me home.” Well, I’m not so sure I feel that home stuff about OA, but it called me to a path of healing and hope and I do get some there.
26. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I emerge from denial.”
27. Then it does an acrostic. “Don’t even know I have a problem.” Yes. That was me. Defensive and blaming.
28. “Embellish the truth.” Yup.
29. “Negative consequences.” Oh yes.
30. “Identify with others.” Have started.
31. “Admit I have a problem.” Oh, yes.
32. “Lying is no longer an option.” I’m not lying to myself anymore.
33. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Difficult People. Few things can make us feel crazier than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give.
34. “Few things can frustrate us more than trying to make a person someone he or she isn’t;
35. “we feel crazy when we try to pretend that person is someone he or she is not.
36. “We may have spent years negotiating with reality concerning particular people from our past and our prest.
37. “We may have spent years trying to get someone to love us in a certain way, when that person cannot or will not.
38. …”we will feel the immense relief that comes when we stop denying reality and begin accepting.”
39. …”We stop letting what we are not getting from that person control us.
40. “We take responsibility for our life.
41. “we go ahead with the process of loving and taking care of ourselves.
42. …“I will give myself permission to take care of myself in my relationships, with emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual freedom for both people as my goal.”
43. In an online article: “…you will need to take extra good care of yourself as you heal emotionally.
44. “You will need to eat well, sleep as much as you can and surround yourself with supportive people who understand where you are at and respect your needs.
45. “Reduce your work and home responsibilities, but don't allow yourself to isolate completely or stop doing everything; some activity is good for you, purposeless as it may seem right now.
46. “You will not feel this way forever, even if it feels that way today.
47. “Get through today, lean on your friends and family and remind yourself that the pain will not be this intense forever.”
48. And in another article: “While these feelings can be frightening and overwhelming, they are normal reactions to loss. Accepting them as part of the grieving process and allowing yourself to feel what you feel is necessary for healing.” I need to know this.
49. I am grateful that I am alive.
50. I am grateful that I have a home.
51. I am grateful that I have a job.
52. I am grateful that I have friends.
53. I am grateful that I have a car.
54. I am grateful that I can type and it feels good.
55. I am grateful that some people love me.
56. I am grateful for doggie. I just heard her moving around.
57. I am grateful that my talk with J was nice enough yesterday when he called.
58. I am grateful that I’m not all alone in cyber-space.
59. I am grateful that I have coffee every morning. That’s a luxury.
60. I am grateful that the organic apples were less expensive than the regular ones.
61. I am grateful for the Asian pear I ate last night.
62. And for the mother who gave it to me.
63. I am grateful for drinking-water.
64. I am grateful for M’s children.
65. And her dog.
66. And her.
67. I am grateful that with all her health problems, MA is still around.
68. I am grateful for phone calls I get.
69. I am grateful that I’ve been eating so well.
70. I am grateful that I did two loads of laundry yesterday.
71. And that I did the dishes.
72. And made a veggie/protein bake.
73. I am grateful for the oven.
74. And the pots.
75. And pans.
76. And sponge. Really.
77. And dishwashing liquid.
78. And dishwasher powder. There are many who don’t have such things.
79. And that I’ll speak with my sponsor this morning.
80. And for Niagara Falls.
81. And beaches.
82. And parks. Every one of these I’ve been to.
83. And all the time J and I spent at that one park.
84. And coloring.
85. And diamonds.
86. And Chinese food like broccoli in garlic sauce.
87. And pretty accents.
88. And vegan restaurants.
89. And vegetarian restaurants.
90. And movies like Earthlings, which help people to see. I can’t see it – too – graphic – but I’ve heard about it.
91. I’m grateful when I help people feel good.
92. I’m grateful that I’ll have to take a walk this morning (doggie.) I do NOT want to. But know I’ll feel good when do.
93. Breathing well.
94. That kids love when I read to them.
95. That I’m a good actress.
96. Heat
97. Vitamins
98. That I don’t buy the ridiculously expensive ones anymore.
99. That I don’t spend on jewelry anymore.
100. That I breathe deeply sometimes.
101. That I can speak.

CoDA

Thank you, God, for this day.

I woke up and I feel:

Ignored, Hindered, Helpless, Lost, Lonesome, Bothered, Unhappy, Upset, Unstable, Left out, Lonely, Amorous, Loving, Frustrated, Fearful
and
Recharged, Willing, Powerless,
and
Grateful, Sacred, Healthy, Wonderful, Blessed

I think it is because:
The first stuff - J., regrets, angers, wishing for another chance, disgusted with what upbringing did to me, so loving and nowhere to put it (romantic love - fine with student love and friend love), my future is totally unknown to me
The second stuff - my new food plan. I've been eating so much better. But I notice what I *think* is a portion can't be right. So my new food plan will help me with that. Because I never really learned how to eat. And now I'm learning. So I know I'm powerless without help, and I'm willing with it and recharged about taking the next step.
The third stuff - All of it is better than despairing! I think my anti-depressant is helping a lot. And I always do know how lucky I am. I have so much. And I am grateful.

I acted out codependently:
Not doing enough for the dog.
Next time I think I'll do differently:
Do more for her when she's here!

Affirmations

All is well. Everything that is happening is only for the highest good of me.
The past is gone. I live only in the present.
I love myself unconditionally and accept myself as I am.
Every day in every way I am getting slimmer and fitter.
I properly chew all the food that I eat so that it gets digested properly and that helps me in reaching my ideal weight.
I breathe deeply everytime so that my metabolism is at its perfect rate.
I love myself unconditionally.

Grats

I am grateful:

1. That I counted what I ate yesterday.
2. That I had fruits and veggies
3. That I’ve begun to take better care of myself
4. That I start my needed antibiotic today
5. That MA and I gave the loving gift to Jo
6. That doggie is here
7. That I gave her a special treat today
8. That MA is still alive and such a close friend. May her health problems get better.
9. That K. called me last night.
10. And M. too.
11. That my mother sounded good yesterday
12. That I’ll learn the ww tweaks today
13. Sitcoms
14. Books
15. My depression being lighter, thank you so much, God.
16. Food
17. Water
18. Oxygen
19. Roof over my head as winter approaches
20. Car that runs
21. Clothing
22. Washer
23. Dryer
24. Dishwasher
25. New microwave
26. Heat
27. Hot water
28. Bed
29. Pillow
30. Comforter
31. Blanket
32. Lamps
33. Electricity
34. Laptop
35. Red oak floors
36. Happy time Friday early evening
37. I’m ok today
38. Today’s For Today: “We are healed of suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” Marcel Proust. Oh may that be true!
39. “When I’m hurting, I look for distraction? Go here, run there and keep on running until there is nowhere to go. Whatever I use as an escape – whether it’s hyperactivity or retreat into isolation and compulsive overeating – it takes what it takes to be brought to my knees, to experience whatever it is I’m avoiding, to turn my will over to my Higher Power and, in an instant, be free.” Wow!
40. And it says, “I walk away feeling light and joyful, and I wonder why I fought so hard.
41. “…each experience confirms what I have learned: my pain may last a minute, an hour, a week or a month – but allowing myself to feel it is relief in itself, and the beginning of freedom.
42. “For today: Avoidance of suffering is natural, but as a compulsive overeater I am alert to my tendency to try to escape what most people accept as part of living.”
43. The Third Step prayer: God, I offer myself to Thee. To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life. Amen.
44. That I’m beginning to understand that I have to grow to all I can be, period. Alone, with J, with someone else, no matter what
45. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Step Eleven encourages us to practice prayer, to continue talking to our Higher Power daily, even when it seems like a senseless exercise.” OA 12 & 12 p. 92
46. And it says: “Prayer changes things.” Thank goodness.
47. “Prayer changes things. I am very clear about hat. In my former life as a desperate, insane food addict, I used my brain well, but I was a spiritual agnostic. I just didn’t believe in anything. And then, at my sponsor’s suggestion, I started saying “good morning: to God everyday, just to see what happened.” Nice.
48. “The result was extraordinary. God came toward me when I came toward God.
49. “He took hold of my empty soul and filled it with His presence.
50. “Talking to god every day is now part of my life – I simply can’t live without it.
51. “I see prayer as an exercise of the soul, just as though it is an exercise of the brain.
52. “I have to deal with my life now through both my brain and my soul.
53. “And just as no thought is ever useless or wasted, neither is a single prayer.” Really? I hope not.
54. “Prayer changes things. And when I don’t like the changes, I can at least be sure that they have come from God.”
55. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I create.
56. “Instead of concentrating on what’s wrong with my life, I focus on what’s right.
57. “I recognize progress as I work on the areas I still need to improve.
58. “I ask myself, ‘What do I love?’ so that my consciousness works towards creating more positive experiences in my life.
59. “I believe that whatever I focus on is what I create in my life, even on a subconscious level.
60. “I replace negative thoughts and mind chatter with love, encouragement, and wisdom.
61. “I am grateful to have the honesty, openness, and willingness necessary to work my program of recovery.”
62. Now I’m back. I’m grateful for antibiotics. Don’t want them a lot, but grateful for them when I need.
63. And grateful that I got myself to the drugstore to get them. It was hard, believe it or not.
64. And for the meeting today.
65. And for the homemade pasta fagioli I just had with orange aide. Nice lunch.
66. And for this day.
67. And that I will get through the week, I believe.
68. And talking with M this am.
69. And MA twice.
70. And asking people to pray for MA’s health.
71. And that she has agreed to go to the dr. tomorrow first thing in the morning.
72. And that some techie people should be getting back to me within 3 days about my ww site problems.
73. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Letting Go.” Uh oh. And it says, “’How much do we need to let go of?’ a friend asked one day.
74. “’I’m not certain,’ I replied, ‘but maybe everything.’
75. “Letting go is a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical process,
76. “a sometimes mysterious metaphysical proceses of releasing to God and the Universe that which we are clinging to so tightly.
77. “We let go of our grasp on people, outcomes, ideas, feelings, wants, needs, desires – everything.” This is very Buddhist, I think, and I really need it right now.
78. “we let go of trying to control our progress in recovery.
79. “yes, it’s important to acknowledge and accept what we want and what we want to happen. But it’s equally important to follow through by letting go.
80. “Letting go is the action part of faith. It is a behavior that gives God and the Universe permission to send us what we’re meant to have.” Wow.
81. Really wow. Okay, and it goes on to say: “Letting go means we acknowledge that hanging on so tightly isn’t helping to solve the problem, change the person, or get the outcome we desire. It isn’t helping us.
82. “In fact, we learn that hanging on often blocks us from getting what we want and need.
83. “Who are we to say that things aren’t happening exactly as they need to happen?
84. And this, which sounds very hopeful to me: “There is magic in letting go.
85. “Sometimes we get what we want soon after we let go.
86. “Sometimes it takes longer.
87. “Sometimes the specific outcome we desire doesn’t happen. Something better does.
88. “Letting go sets us free and connects us to our Source.” Wow
89. “Letting go creates the optimum environment for the bets possible outcomes and solutions.
90. “Today, I will relax. I will let go of that which is upsetting me the most.
91. “I will trust that by letting go, I have started the wheels in motion for things to work out in the best possible way.” Wow. Wow.
92. Bookshelves J brought here that I can use.
93. Cuddles with doggie
94. Time today. I will cook my veggie protein bake and do enough laundry.
95. Meditation I’ve done this past week.
96. My dr. calling in the prescription for me.
97. That the anti-depressant is really making a difference.
98. Hope.
99. Feeling like myself. This is the first time in YEARS that I feel like myself. Not euphoric, not dramatic, not unbearable depressed…Just me. Thank God for that.
100. Hope. Again.
101. Typing.
102. Socks.
103. Wood floors.
104. Windows.

CoDA

Thank you, God, for this day.

I woke up and I feel:

Burdened, Frightened, Unsure
and
Powerless
and
Like myself, Less depressed, hopeful

I think it is because:
First stuff: Bad dreams, lonely, love J and miss him and not sure where my life will go.
Second: food, and grateful to be turning it over
Third: Antidepressant, and friends.

I acted out codependently:
Waiting so long to get the antibiotic.
I think next time I"ll do differently:
Get to the dr.

Thank you, Jesus, for these insights and for your love.

Affirmations

Every day in every way I am approaching my ideal weight.
I love being physically fit and I lose enough weight so that I am at my ideal weight.
My metabolism rate is at its optimum and it helps me in reaching my ideal weight.
I love eating healthy food and it helps me reach my ideal weight.
I love exercising daily and it helps me reach my ideal weight.
I am a physically active person and that helps me reach my ideal weight.
Every day in every way I am getting slimmer and fitter.

Grats

I am grateful:

1. Doggie is here
2. New food plan today, I think.
3. Although I can’t choose the minutes yet because I don’t understand it, I have the new microwave and it works.
4. Antibiotics
5. Fun at party last night. I didn’t think I could have fun, but I did.
6. Laughter at the party.
7. Principal’s warmth at the party.
8. One of the foods might have actually been vegan. That was a thrill to me. I’d eaten my own, so I’m not sure…but it was at least vegetarian.
9. Red pepper hummus
10. Guacamole
11. Whole grain bread
12. I still have healthy foods in the freezer.
13. I’m truly grateful that I’m not as depressed as I was Wed. and the preceding weeks. It’s lifted a bit, thank God.
14. Today’s For Today: “Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity.” The Bible: Psalms. Like CoDA and OA meetings…
15. Oh, yes, because it goes on to say: “I go to meetings because it is where I feel at home. Here I meet friends, join in warm conversation and express my feelings.
16. “Here I am accepted.
17. “OA seemed strange to me in the beginning, but people reached out and said, ‘You never have to take another compulsive bite again,’
18. Wow. Maybe I NEVER have to take another compulsive bite again.
19. “and I believed them.
20. “They listened when I talked,
21. “comforted me when I was distressed,
22. “cheered my newfound abstinence
23. “Before long, I was seeking out newcomers to welcome them as I had been welcomed,
24. “to listen with patience and understanding.” I want to do that.
25. “Yes, I am at one with my sisters and brothers.
26. “For today: Thank God for OA meetings,
27. “where compulsive overeaters don’t have to explain or defend or try to be something they’re not – they just share themselves as they are.” That’s good.
28. Today’s voices of Recovery: “Pray to God, but continue to row to shore.” Russian proverb as quoted in For Today p. 136
29. “Surrender does not mean that I take no action; it means that I take action and surrender the results.
30. …”If I do what is suggested and let go of the results, I often find better results than I could have imagined.
31. “In Overeaters Anonymous, I have learned that the Twelve Steps provide a way of working through a problem.
32. “This is the equivalent of ‘rowing to shore.’
33. “First I work Steps One through Three
34. “and then I take the action Steps, Four through Nine.
35. “This way, I can rid myself of my character defects, one at a time.
36. “I realized this while working through the Steps for the first time.
37. “after completing Steps Six and Seven, I was relieved of anger as a driving force in my life.
38. “It was a tremendous relief
39. “and a strong incentive to work the rest of the Steps
40. “and to continue working them to this day.
41. “The image of my rowing a boat is a good one.
42. “I don’t have to be at the mercy of the currents,
43. “nor do I need to attempt to control nature.
44. “I can do the best I can,
45. “knowing that is enough.”
46. He has not divorced me, nor mentioned it. Maybe there is hope. Last year, it was my not believing there was hope that made it be so. I didn’t realize he was still considering, and I gave up. Maybe I don’t have to do that this time.
47. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I focus on just this day.
48. “Just of today. What a simple phrase, but so hard to remember!” And I really do want to remember it. It is beautiful. And simple and profound at the same time. And I’m grateful for it. Just for today.
49. I hear that phrase now differently than I used to. A year ago I heard it as, “I have to right to assume I can do this for more than today and I’ll sound like fool if I sound like I think I can.” Very negative. Now I hear it as, “Life is only available in the present moment.” Beautiful. And, “All I ever have to do, is today. This moment.” Easier.
50. I just had the nicest phone chat with J. Yay. Not yay in terms of a future. But yay in terms of happy phone chat for the two of us.
51. It should be nice – brisk and invigorating but not uncomfortably cold – out today.
52. And it goes on to say: “I forget this phrase when I’m overwhelmed, anxious, or projecting.
53. “The other day, I was arguing with my teenage son and I could think only negative thoughts about his future. Then, the light came on. Be in the moment.
54. “I was anticipating. I needed to come back to today’s problems and solutions, not the future or past.
55. “I let go and focus on today.
56. “God keeps me on track, one day at a time.”
57. Today’s Language of Letting go: Developing Healthy Tolerance.
58. I’m grateful that doggie is happily in the yard right now
59. And that her cut is healed.
60. And that I went to a weight watchers meeting. OA is the thing for me, but I can use the ww food plan if I want
61. I’m grateful that I really like the leader. She was intelligent and open-minded. And veganism didn’t freak her out.
62. And I liked the group of people too.
63. And tomorrow they roll out some new things. So maybe I’ll stop there again and buy the basic materials.
64. I’m grateful that I feel – well – like – myself. I haven’t felt this in a LONG time. I think it’s the anti-depressant. I don’t feel high, or euphoric, or untroubled or weird. Just real – like – me. I am more grateful to that than I can say.
65. And I think CoDA is also a piece of the help and I’m grateful for CoDA
66. And I think OA is a piece of the help and I’m grateful for OA
67. And I know God is there helping and I’m very grateful for God.
68. And I’m grateful for this particular ww leader.
69. And remembering to do some lighthearted things.
70. Now. Back to today’s Language of Letting Go. Developing Healthy Tolerance.
Many of us are skilled at denying and discounting what hurts us. We may endure a particular situation, telling ourselves repeatedly it’s not that bad; we wouldn’t be so demanding; it’ll change any day; we should be able to live with it; it doesn’t annoy us; the other person didn’t really mean it; it doesn’t hurt; maybe its’ just us.” Yes. I’ve definitely done that.
71. “We may fight and argue with ourselves about the reality and validity of our pain – our right to feel it and do something about it.
72. “Often we will tolerate too much or so much that we become furious and refuse to tolerate any more.” Yes. I’ve done that too.
73. But it says: “We can learn to develop healthy tolerance.” Yay.
74. And “We do that by setting healthy boundaries and trusting ourselves to own our power with people.
75. “We can lessen our pain and suffering by validating and paying attention to ourselves.” Okay. Good. Important.
76. “We can work at shortening the time between identifying a need to set a boundary, and taking clear, direct action.
77. “We aren’t crazy. Some behaviors really do bug us. Some behaviors really are inappropriate, annoying, hurtful or abusive.” This might sound like, Duh of course, to some people. But I really need to learn it now.
78. “We don’t have to feel guilty about taking care of ourselves once we identify a boundary that needs to be set.
79. Look at the experience as an experiment in owning our power, in establishing new, healthy boundaries and limits for ourselves.
80. We don’t have to feel guilty or apologize or explain ourselves after we’ve set a boundary.
81. “We can learn to accept the awkwardness and discomfort of setting boundaries with people.
82. “We can establish our rights to have these limits.
83. “We can give the other person room to have and explore his or her feelings;” Really? I am glad to hear it.
84. “We can give ourselves room to have our feelings – as we struggle to own our power and create good, working relationships.
85. “Once we can trust our ability to take care of ourselves, we will develop healthy reasonable tolerance of others.” Yes. True. This is good.
86. “God, help me begin striving for healthy boundaries and healthy tolerance for myself and others.”
87. Prayer
88. Orange juice mixed with water
89. Water
90. Not being isolated all the time.
91. And not wanting to be.
92. Lots of people seek in out irl.
93. Just playing with doggie a few minutes ago: )
94. Bookstores
95. Health food stores nearby.
96. Walks in nature.
97. It did turn out to be beautiful out today.
98. That I got out there for a couple of hours plus.
99. Wanting to eat normal human portions as of late.
100. EJ and all her ideas/support/help.