be back as soon as can.
With lots of readings.
Need sleep.
NOT giving up!
Still strong!
xoxoxoxo to all
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Grats
I am grateful to be back, though not feeling well.
And I am grateful for these things:
1. Meeting L.
2. The most amazing chemistry I have ever felt!
3. The best kisses I have ever had!
4. He called last night and we had a nice chat.
5. That I took the public transportation both ways by myself.
6. That I learned some things about art and about history.
7. That I enjoyed about half a glass of absolutely delicious wine.
8. And some nice greens
9. And half a pear
10. And lots of walking
11. And that before getting off the bus I really needed to calm down. Had already said a whole Rosary, and meditated. And was now literally shaking (hands)! Called M and said, “Please tell me that I am good enough because God made me, period. And it doesn’t matter what this jerk will think of me, right?” And she said, “Not just that, but you are beautiful.” And that helped.
12. Then, inside the place before I saw him, I almost left! I am so grateful that I didn’t.
13. Although I knew there was NO WAY he or anyway else was going to see them, I had on such pretty panties, and lacy stockings.
14. And I felt feminine.
15. And even pretty.
16. And as I lose weight, my face dimples are coming back and showing!
17. And this morning when I washed my hands and looked up into the bathroom mirror, was still smiling from yesterday(!) I saw them!
18. I took a risk. Yay me!
19. My French teacher translated the Thich Nhat Haht “10-line poem” breathing meditation – long form and short for me! I have it in writing! : )
20. M just called. We had a GREAT girlfriends talk. Mutual. Symbiotic. Lovely.
21. And L. just wrote. Nice.
22. And I wrote back.
23. I am grateful that I have so much to be grateful for.
24. I think I have a date next week with someone – maybe lunch or something. I’m only interested in L. right now. But both therapists (real irl and phone one, with whom I have one more short and one more long call) think I should. And I know I should. So as not to become addicted to L, or jump into a relationship too soon, or lose my newly-being-found independence. Blah blah yada yada.
25. My whole body is still tingling from yesterday. I have never felt like this before. Omg.
26. I heard from my tai chi teacher – who introduced me to meditation, Thich Nhat Hahn, and the practice and Buddhism. Wonderful.
27. That he did introduce me to these things.
28. Just feeling somewhat better today, don’t’ want to do my morning work. But AM anyway! And for that I’m grateful!
29. And now it’s Sunday. I am grateful that I went to Mer yesterday when she needed me
30. And that I then made it to the Worldwide Unity OA Marathon meeting for the last hour or so.
31. And it ended with 18 minutes of meditation!
32. And THN was even mentioned!
33. And I so able to get right into it.
34. As usual!
35. L. wrote something I didn’t like yesterday evening. But I stayed strong and we were able to talk it through.
36. I’m proud of and happy for myself that I didn’t give in.
37. And the big message is, of course, that I remember I have nothing to lose. He is stirring beautiful feelings in me. I am enjoying them.
38. It’s now Tuesday. I am back. Thank God.
39. And I have written a poem in French.
40. And helped Mer - a LOT
41. And given my kids a GREAT day yesterday
42. And got through it so well myself despite being overwhelmingly tired
43. Am so tired today again – have not been able to sleep at night – but will make the right decision and the important thing is that I know that
44. My honesty with L. It might not be the smartest, as one should keep mystery…but I’m more interested in being ME than in “keeping man.” And that in itself is a thrill.
45. Heat in the house
46. Doggie was so happy to see J yesterday
47. He still seemed ambivalent. Lingered a bit. Kissed me (not passionate kiss). I’m not so sure he doesn’t love me at all. I don’t want him back anyway, at this point, but it felt nice. I do love the man.
48. The higher level of conversation I have now, due to my talks with Louis. It’s kind of like when the kids are dressed for picture day, how they behave better. When I’m speaking and writing regularly with someone of a certain intellect, mine comes more readily to the fore and I’m glad.
49. My eyesight
50. My sensuousness
51. That I feel like a woman again
52. Quinoa
53. Eating so much better now
54. Sex. Haven’t had any in a while, but will one day. And it’s a nice thing.
55. Two preps today
56. My dr. coming tomorrow
57. Great French lesson yesterday! I love these!
58. Freedom
59. That I am able to walk from the bed to the bathroom
60. That I am able to drive
61. That I am able to afford a car
62. That I will probably see L a bit for my b’day
63. Massages
64. My hearing
65. My ability to speak. Really
66. I’m very grateful for my open-mindedness
67. And that today might not be quite as difficult as yesterday.
68. That my French teacher sent me lot of materials she uses with her classes to go with the movie Les Choristes
69. And M got me the movie
70. And I will watch it this weekend, I think!
71. With subtitles.
72. And then maybe without: )
73. Light touches
74. Light kisses
75. Medium kisses
76. Deep kisses
77. One lip at a time biting little kisses
78. Poetry
79. Being inside when it’s storming outside
80. Maybe can clean really well this weekend
81. Maybe can get chimney cleaned this weekend too
82. Maybe. Only maybe. And that feels good.
83. Peaceful people.
84. Snow days. Wonder if we’ll get one this year
85. That I used to have a boat
86. Disney
87. Good books
88. Health magazines
89. That health board-game the kids are playing
90. Good DVDs
91. That I’m alive
92. And I’m grateful that I’m grateful to be alive
93. The OA Unity Marathon Saturday
94. And the meditation we did together.
95. The breathing game with the children
96. Good psychologists etc.
97. Multi-vitamins
98. Vita-mix – I don’t have one, but I’m grateful for them
99. The days I used to come home and J. would have a veggie/fruit juice freshly made for me.
100. Laughter. Especially deep belly laughter
And I am grateful for these things:
1. Meeting L.
2. The most amazing chemistry I have ever felt!
3. The best kisses I have ever had!
4. He called last night and we had a nice chat.
5. That I took the public transportation both ways by myself.
6. That I learned some things about art and about history.
7. That I enjoyed about half a glass of absolutely delicious wine.
8. And some nice greens
9. And half a pear
10. And lots of walking
11. And that before getting off the bus I really needed to calm down. Had already said a whole Rosary, and meditated. And was now literally shaking (hands)! Called M and said, “Please tell me that I am good enough because God made me, period. And it doesn’t matter what this jerk will think of me, right?” And she said, “Not just that, but you are beautiful.” And that helped.
12. Then, inside the place before I saw him, I almost left! I am so grateful that I didn’t.
13. Although I knew there was NO WAY he or anyway else was going to see them, I had on such pretty panties, and lacy stockings.
14. And I felt feminine.
15. And even pretty.
16. And as I lose weight, my face dimples are coming back and showing!
17. And this morning when I washed my hands and looked up into the bathroom mirror, was still smiling from yesterday(!) I saw them!
18. I took a risk. Yay me!
19. My French teacher translated the Thich Nhat Haht “10-line poem” breathing meditation – long form and short for me! I have it in writing! : )
20. M just called. We had a GREAT girlfriends talk. Mutual. Symbiotic. Lovely.
21. And L. just wrote. Nice.
22. And I wrote back.
23. I am grateful that I have so much to be grateful for.
24. I think I have a date next week with someone – maybe lunch or something. I’m only interested in L. right now. But both therapists (real irl and phone one, with whom I have one more short and one more long call) think I should. And I know I should. So as not to become addicted to L, or jump into a relationship too soon, or lose my newly-being-found independence. Blah blah yada yada.
25. My whole body is still tingling from yesterday. I have never felt like this before. Omg.
26. I heard from my tai chi teacher – who introduced me to meditation, Thich Nhat Hahn, and the practice and Buddhism. Wonderful.
27. That he did introduce me to these things.
28. Just feeling somewhat better today, don’t’ want to do my morning work. But AM anyway! And for that I’m grateful!
29. And now it’s Sunday. I am grateful that I went to Mer yesterday when she needed me
30. And that I then made it to the Worldwide Unity OA Marathon meeting for the last hour or so.
31. And it ended with 18 minutes of meditation!
32. And THN was even mentioned!
33. And I so able to get right into it.
34. As usual!
35. L. wrote something I didn’t like yesterday evening. But I stayed strong and we were able to talk it through.
36. I’m proud of and happy for myself that I didn’t give in.
37. And the big message is, of course, that I remember I have nothing to lose. He is stirring beautiful feelings in me. I am enjoying them.
38. It’s now Tuesday. I am back. Thank God.
39. And I have written a poem in French.
40. And helped Mer - a LOT
41. And given my kids a GREAT day yesterday
42. And got through it so well myself despite being overwhelmingly tired
43. Am so tired today again – have not been able to sleep at night – but will make the right decision and the important thing is that I know that
44. My honesty with L. It might not be the smartest, as one should keep mystery…but I’m more interested in being ME than in “keeping man.” And that in itself is a thrill.
45. Heat in the house
46. Doggie was so happy to see J yesterday
47. He still seemed ambivalent. Lingered a bit. Kissed me (not passionate kiss). I’m not so sure he doesn’t love me at all. I don’t want him back anyway, at this point, but it felt nice. I do love the man.
48. The higher level of conversation I have now, due to my talks with Louis. It’s kind of like when the kids are dressed for picture day, how they behave better. When I’m speaking and writing regularly with someone of a certain intellect, mine comes more readily to the fore and I’m glad.
49. My eyesight
50. My sensuousness
51. That I feel like a woman again
52. Quinoa
53. Eating so much better now
54. Sex. Haven’t had any in a while, but will one day. And it’s a nice thing.
55. Two preps today
56. My dr. coming tomorrow
57. Great French lesson yesterday! I love these!
58. Freedom
59. That I am able to walk from the bed to the bathroom
60. That I am able to drive
61. That I am able to afford a car
62. That I will probably see L a bit for my b’day
63. Massages
64. My hearing
65. My ability to speak. Really
66. I’m very grateful for my open-mindedness
67. And that today might not be quite as difficult as yesterday.
68. That my French teacher sent me lot of materials she uses with her classes to go with the movie Les Choristes
69. And M got me the movie
70. And I will watch it this weekend, I think!
71. With subtitles.
72. And then maybe without: )
73. Light touches
74. Light kisses
75. Medium kisses
76. Deep kisses
77. One lip at a time biting little kisses
78. Poetry
79. Being inside when it’s storming outside
80. Maybe can clean really well this weekend
81. Maybe can get chimney cleaned this weekend too
82. Maybe. Only maybe. And that feels good.
83. Peaceful people.
84. Snow days. Wonder if we’ll get one this year
85. That I used to have a boat
86. Disney
87. Good books
88. Health magazines
89. That health board-game the kids are playing
90. Good DVDs
91. That I’m alive
92. And I’m grateful that I’m grateful to be alive
93. The OA Unity Marathon Saturday
94. And the meditation we did together.
95. The breathing game with the children
96. Good psychologists etc.
97. Multi-vitamins
98. Vita-mix – I don’t have one, but I’m grateful for them
99. The days I used to come home and J. would have a veggie/fruit juice freshly made for me.
100. Laughter. Especially deep belly laughter
Friday, February 24, 2012
oh. my. gosh. i. am
breathless.
met L
he took my breath away.
literally
typing very slowly
breathless
5 1/2 hours together
1st half nice
he's so cute and smart and a gentleman and art-scholarly (we were at museum)
nice
then he kissed me
oh my god
little sweet tender soft-lipped gentle kiss
and later again
later more
and more
and "real" kisses
i never dreampt i could ever have chemistry like this
i'm almost disappointed
because i'm not ready at all for a relationship
or sex
so i'm almost disappointed
almost
this man took my breath away
he is very sensuous and he light hand touches on my back and neck...and wrist...
i wound up standing in front of some of the best art in the world - with my eyes closed
he was as attracted to me as i to him
wow
when he walked me to my drop-off spot, he was standing in the pouring rain and i under an umbrella and we were kissing and he was kissing my mouth and neck -
and i said, this scene is going in my movie
i'm sure he knows he is leaving me breathless
and i am apparently doing the same to him
oh my god
so
what's next - don't know
MUST take it slow
MUST see others
MUST continue growing as self
but wow
just to be able to experience such a thing
i can honestly say this was one of the best days of my life
and
he likes me for me
and
i can honestly say that i am glad i didn't kill myself and miss out on THIS
and i do not care HOW dramatic that sounds. J. may not like that i feel things intensely, but it doesn't matter what J. likes.
wow
wow
I truly wish for anyone reading this, that you have a day as good as i had today. (and i was so scared i almost left and came home before meeting him - literally - and called M before got there and said, shaking, Please tell me that i am good enough because God made me period, and it won't matter what this jerk thinks." And she did.
and then he took my breath away
good night
met L
he took my breath away.
literally
typing very slowly
breathless
5 1/2 hours together
1st half nice
he's so cute and smart and a gentleman and art-scholarly (we were at museum)
nice
then he kissed me
oh my god
little sweet tender soft-lipped gentle kiss
and later again
later more
and more
and "real" kisses
i never dreampt i could ever have chemistry like this
i'm almost disappointed
because i'm not ready at all for a relationship
or sex
so i'm almost disappointed
almost
this man took my breath away
he is very sensuous and he light hand touches on my back and neck...and wrist...
i wound up standing in front of some of the best art in the world - with my eyes closed
he was as attracted to me as i to him
wow
when he walked me to my drop-off spot, he was standing in the pouring rain and i under an umbrella and we were kissing and he was kissing my mouth and neck -
and i said, this scene is going in my movie
i'm sure he knows he is leaving me breathless
and i am apparently doing the same to him
oh my god
so
what's next - don't know
MUST take it slow
MUST see others
MUST continue growing as self
but wow
just to be able to experience such a thing
i can honestly say this was one of the best days of my life
and
he likes me for me
and
i can honestly say that i am glad i didn't kill myself and miss out on THIS
and i do not care HOW dramatic that sounds. J. may not like that i feel things intensely, but it doesn't matter what J. likes.
wow
wow
I truly wish for anyone reading this, that you have a day as good as i had today. (and i was so scared i almost left and came home before meeting him - literally - and called M before got there and said, shaking, Please tell me that i am good enough because God made me period, and it won't matter what this jerk thinks." And she did.
and then he took my breath away
good night
Oh my gosh - my horoscope today!
"A sense that your life has finally reached a point of stability can influence your choices and behavior today. You may discover that you are energized by unfamiliar circumstances and unexpected opportunities rather than alarmed by them. The skills and talents you possess can strike you as particularly reliable today, and you may be eager to take those risks that will enable you to fulfill your purpose. Your confidence can also put you in a reflective mood, prompting you to consider carefully why you are now feeling a solid inner self-worth. You will likely find that you are merely reacting positively to your newly developed confidence in your self-reliance and security.
We thrive on stability and security because it is only when we feel confident in our lives and our aptitudes that we are able to reach beyond the arbitrary limitations we once set for ourselves in order to investigate the opportunities waiting for us in the unknown. Once we cast off the constraints of fear and uncertainty, we can march boldly into the realms that lie beyond our individual comfort zones. Our prospects become infinite because our eyes are opened to possibilities we would likely have been blind to in the past. As we need not waste time, energy, or resources worrying about what the future will bring, we can concentrate the whole of our focus on those tasks that will help us grow as individuals. The confidence you feel today will empower you to evolve in ways you never before considered possible."
We thrive on stability and security because it is only when we feel confident in our lives and our aptitudes that we are able to reach beyond the arbitrary limitations we once set for ourselves in order to investigate the opportunities waiting for us in the unknown. Once we cast off the constraints of fear and uncertainty, we can march boldly into the realms that lie beyond our individual comfort zones. Our prospects become infinite because our eyes are opened to possibilities we would likely have been blind to in the past. As we need not waste time, energy, or resources worrying about what the future will bring, we can concentrate the whole of our focus on those tasks that will help us grow as individuals. The confidence you feel today will empower you to evolve in ways you never before considered possible."
Affirmations
I am a creation of God.
I am a creature of God.
I belong to God.
God is in me.
I have dignity.
I quite naturally command respect.
I respect mySELF.
I am kind to others, but not at my own expense.
I am wonderfully healthy and happy!
I am wonderfully healthy and happy!
I am wonderfully healthy and happy!
God and the Universe are taking such perfect care of me!
All if perfect in my world!!!!
I am a creature of God.
I belong to God.
God is in me.
I have dignity.
I quite naturally command respect.
I respect mySELF.
I am kind to others, but not at my own expense.
I am wonderfully healthy and happy!
I am wonderfully healthy and happy!
I am wonderfully healthy and happy!
God and the Universe are taking such perfect care of me!
All if perfect in my world!!!!
CoDA
I feel:
Scared of the weather and the ride.
Nervous that he won't like me.
Nervous that I won't like him.
Really nervous that he'll, in his highly opinionated way, criticize me weight.
Guilty about not doing enough fun stuff with doggie.
Grateful that I am alive and as healthy as I am.
Feeling stronger than used to. By far. And very grateful for that.
Rushed.
Feeling that this should be a light little fun day - few hours - and will go quickly anyway, probably even too quickly.
Grateful for THN and meditationability
5 good things about me
1. I'm more confident than I used to be
2. I'm good enough at wording things for letters and report cards
3. I helped M. this morning
4. I am getting neater
5. I am not as dependent as I'd always thought!
Scared of the weather and the ride.
Nervous that he won't like me.
Nervous that I won't like him.
Really nervous that he'll, in his highly opinionated way, criticize me weight.
Guilty about not doing enough fun stuff with doggie.
Grateful that I am alive and as healthy as I am.
Feeling stronger than used to. By far. And very grateful for that.
Rushed.
Feeling that this should be a light little fun day - few hours - and will go quickly anyway, probably even too quickly.
Grateful for THN and meditationability
5 good things about me
1. I'm more confident than I used to be
2. I'm good enough at wording things for letters and report cards
3. I helped M. this morning
4. I am getting neater
5. I am not as dependent as I'd always thought!
Readings
For Today:
"We are apt to be very pert at censuring others, wher ewe will not endure advice ourselves." William Penn
"Recognition of my faults does not always save me from them. I find myself slipping into advice-giving, despite my distaste for someone else's advice and my conviction that we are not here to advise anyone.
When I make that mistake, I ask forgiveness of the person i tried to advise. that is the first step toward removal of this defect; and if I confess it to my group, I am even closer to attaining a measure of humility.
for today: People may seem to want my advice, but that is no reason for me to give it. In OA, I am just another member, not a counselor."
--
Voices of Recovery
"The illusions I had as a compulsive overeater were at the root of my illness. When exposed to the bright light of reality these ideas - my old illusions - crumble into dust and blow away." For Today p. 134
"I carried the illusions I brought with me to this program for many years. For example, if I were a 'good girl,' life would bring me no pain; when I married, I would be taken care of: i could control people, places, and things; being thin would solve all my problems; if I had enough willpower, I could stop eating.
When I came into Overeaters Anonymous, these illusion were exposed to the bright light of the Twelve Steps, and gradually they lost their hold over me. OA gave me the courage, hope, and clarity to face my life, one day at a time, without eating compulsively. Today I believe that living in reality carries with it the widest spectrum of feelings and challenges. when I keep the Twelve Steps, and gradually they lost their hold over me. OA gave me the courage, hope, and clarity to face my life, one day at a time, without eating compulsively. Today I believe that living in reality carries with it the widest spectrum of feelings and challenges. When I keep the Twelve Steps close at hand. I have a chance to experience the promises and gifts of this program.
--
In This Moment
"In This Moment, I love life.
It wasn't always so. After my husband died, I wrote a about about our marriage from the wedding to his death. I included everything I could remember, the bad as well as the good. In the year since I finished, I have gone back to reread it. I found that i left out a lot of the happy times. I was there but not there. I spent so much time thinking and talking about past resentments and projecting potential problems that I was sleepwalking through the present.
today, I live in the present. I like who i am and where I am. i enjoy each day and get the most out of it. I will never lose myself again. That's why I keep going to CoDA meetings and reading CoDA literature. Thanks to CoDA I have a life today.
--
The Language of Letting Go
"Recognizing Feelings
Experiencing feelings can be a challenge if we've had no previous experience or permission to do that. learning to identify what we're feeling is a challenge we can meet, but we will not become experts overnight. nor do we have to deal with our feelings perfectly.
Here are some ideas that might be helpful as you learn to recognize and edeal with feelings.
Take out a sheet of paper. On the top if ot write, 'If it was okay to feel whatever I'm feeling, and I wouldn't be judged as bad or wrong, what would i be feeling?' Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favorite standby of many people in discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. you can keep a diary, write letters you don't intend to send, or just scribble thoughts onto a not pad.
Watch and listen to yourself as an objective third person. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness
What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?
Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. once we feel safe, many of us find that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.
we are on a continual treasure hunt in recovery. one of the treasures we're seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don't have to do it perfectly. We need only be honest, open, adn willing to try. our emotions are there waiting to share themselves with us.
Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I'm feeling; i will accept myself.
==
"We are apt to be very pert at censuring others, wher ewe will not endure advice ourselves." William Penn
"Recognition of my faults does not always save me from them. I find myself slipping into advice-giving, despite my distaste for someone else's advice and my conviction that we are not here to advise anyone.
When I make that mistake, I ask forgiveness of the person i tried to advise. that is the first step toward removal of this defect; and if I confess it to my group, I am even closer to attaining a measure of humility.
for today: People may seem to want my advice, but that is no reason for me to give it. In OA, I am just another member, not a counselor."
--
Voices of Recovery
"The illusions I had as a compulsive overeater were at the root of my illness. When exposed to the bright light of reality these ideas - my old illusions - crumble into dust and blow away." For Today p. 134
"I carried the illusions I brought with me to this program for many years. For example, if I were a 'good girl,' life would bring me no pain; when I married, I would be taken care of: i could control people, places, and things; being thin would solve all my problems; if I had enough willpower, I could stop eating.
When I came into Overeaters Anonymous, these illusion were exposed to the bright light of the Twelve Steps, and gradually they lost their hold over me. OA gave me the courage, hope, and clarity to face my life, one day at a time, without eating compulsively. Today I believe that living in reality carries with it the widest spectrum of feelings and challenges. when I keep the Twelve Steps, and gradually they lost their hold over me. OA gave me the courage, hope, and clarity to face my life, one day at a time, without eating compulsively. Today I believe that living in reality carries with it the widest spectrum of feelings and challenges. When I keep the Twelve Steps close at hand. I have a chance to experience the promises and gifts of this program.
--
In This Moment
"In This Moment, I love life.
It wasn't always so. After my husband died, I wrote a about about our marriage from the wedding to his death. I included everything I could remember, the bad as well as the good. In the year since I finished, I have gone back to reread it. I found that i left out a lot of the happy times. I was there but not there. I spent so much time thinking and talking about past resentments and projecting potential problems that I was sleepwalking through the present.
today, I live in the present. I like who i am and where I am. i enjoy each day and get the most out of it. I will never lose myself again. That's why I keep going to CoDA meetings and reading CoDA literature. Thanks to CoDA I have a life today.
--
The Language of Letting Go
"Recognizing Feelings
Experiencing feelings can be a challenge if we've had no previous experience or permission to do that. learning to identify what we're feeling is a challenge we can meet, but we will not become experts overnight. nor do we have to deal with our feelings perfectly.
Here are some ideas that might be helpful as you learn to recognize and edeal with feelings.
Take out a sheet of paper. On the top if ot write, 'If it was okay to feel whatever I'm feeling, and I wouldn't be judged as bad or wrong, what would i be feeling?' Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favorite standby of many people in discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. you can keep a diary, write letters you don't intend to send, or just scribble thoughts onto a not pad.
Watch and listen to yourself as an objective third person. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness
What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?
Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. once we feel safe, many of us find that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.
we are on a continual treasure hunt in recovery. one of the treasures we're seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don't have to do it perfectly. We need only be honest, open, adn willing to try. our emotions are there waiting to share themselves with us.
Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I'm feeling; i will accept myself.
==
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