I am NOT incapable of affecting my environment. Just because I'm the child of a schizophrenic mother, I have grown up BELIEVING I am. But I am NOT!
Some proofs.
If my actions were incapable of affecting my environment, I couldn't have:
-gotten 3 degrees
-gotten a job, a second job, and a better first job, during the most difficult time of my life up until that date
-gotten a 4.0 in my Masters degree
-gotten tenure in one of the best districts in the world
-gotten so many glowing reviews
-forged and nurtured and kept so many wonderful relationships, ex. M, Mar, MA, ML, S, St, O, L, K, Jo, J, N, and so many others.
-supported myself for decades!
-bought a house by myself!
-supported someone else as well all these years!
-made loving relationships with non-human animals
-been called a bright light by so many people
-lost weight
-exercised
-done so much for my mother
-learned Reiki to Level 2
-taught meditation
-learned to play piano
-cleaned up the house
-closed down and reopened my own classroom last June and September without help
-found OA and CoDA, which help me
-stuck with my morning work
-made improvements in myself
-made so many others laugh
and there must be more!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
More and Newer Grats - didn't realize had reused from day before - must do
I am grateful for these things:
1. trying to keep myself in a state of gratitude
2. I have never been a slave
3. I have never been in a concentration camp
4. I have never been in a prison (which would have been despite not having committed the crime, of course)
5. I have never been a prisoner of war
6. I have Buddhism in my life
7. I have God in my life
8. And Jesus
9. I can speak
10. I can walk and get about on my own
11. I can breathe unassisted
12. I can see!
13. I can hear
14. I can type
15. And even play piano
16. I believe I *will * make love again one day.
17. I am going to England!!!!!
18. I am taking French lessons!
19. And have so far been able to afford them.
20. I know some math
21. I am literate – reading, writing, spoken communication
22. I have always managed to do what needed – even if/when could only do bottommost level of it
23. I have all my internal organs (except those removed during hysterectomy)
24. I’m *enjoying * these little fantasies about L : )
25. I have a therapist who helps me
26. And the phone one too, temporarily
27. Jo’s humor and vivaciousness
28. Although I see myself as so dark, I’ve been told many times that I bring “joy and light” to the other person(s) - !
29. I have a Bachelor’s degree
30. And a Master’s degree
31. And a permanent teaching certificate
32. Plus 75 credits past my masters
33. I might - MIGHT – be able to take the Human Rights course.
34. I did write to the coordinator.
35. And he said it has sadness, of course, but that we always end on a happy note.
36. And that if I need, he’ll be happy to help with anything that comes up
37. And it’s free – so even if I have to start and drop out, it’s ok.
38. I am feeling MUCH calmer than an hour ago. Phew.
39. I have a professional lunch-date with my former tai chi teacher in a couple of weeks : )
40. I have Reiki in my life
41. Lovely e-mails from L.
42. My dr. says it is not imperative for me to see a number of guys.
43. Just to be careful, as I am vulnerable right now, emotionally.
44. I have a birthday coming up. And maybe I can CELEBRATE that I am alive; that I was born; that I didn’t kill myself.
45. And I know D and M will do something for me.
46. And I will probably be able to have a nice day, as I was able to last year, right?
47. Bright people, as in smart.
48. Bright people, as in light.
49. Romance. Every pure moment of it I have ever had in my life.
50. The sense I have come to have.
51. M just called. Nice. Trying to help me.
52. And I shall be with her on Sunday afternoon. Maybe we can even get me that phone!
53. Sitcom reruns that relax me a bit
54. I may need to take a pill today. But if I do, I can.
55. Good hot tea.
56. Laughter
57. Access to plenty of fresh clean water.
58. My hair
59. My sense of humor. It does crack people up irl.
60. DVD’s
61. Abilities. All my abilities.
62. Bread.
63. Hot cereal.
64. The Five Mindfulness Trainings.
65. That I try to practice them to the best of my ability.
66. That my OA sponsor is unrelenting in trying to push me into sharing the positive changes at meetings.
67. That I’ve begun to know he’s right.
68. There could be someone sitting there, in the exact shape I was in one year ago, in need. And I could be of help!
69. Beautiful music.
70. All music.
71. That I *did * get to play at that woman’s 40th birthday party.
72. And how supportive J. was about it.
73. That a friend reminded me this week, “Don’t be emotional when it comes to the money. You MUST protect yourself.”
74. And that the lawyer, whose son I’ve taught and he still loves me, said, “I know who you are. I know your heart. He does too. He may think your kindness means you’re going to roll over. You’re not.” Thank God for her.
75. Slippers
76. Socks
77. Especially my new socks
78. That I did a load of towels and a few other things yesterday.
79. That I have healthy food in the house.
80. That L. plays instruments.
81. That people at work respect me.
82. That I can knit.
83. And crochet.
84. And do crewel work. And taught myself!
85. And do needlepoint.
86. And that I can enjoy coloring
87. And Drawing
88. And painting
89. And playing piano
90. And practicing piano
91. That I have a dishwasher
92. And a washing machine
93. And a dryer
94. Without going outside
95. And mailbox right outside my front door
96. S e-mailed me today too.
97. And N. sends her love.
98. Thai food.
99. Plum wine
100. Grape juice
101. That I did this hundred.
1. trying to keep myself in a state of gratitude
2. I have never been a slave
3. I have never been in a concentration camp
4. I have never been in a prison (which would have been despite not having committed the crime, of course)
5. I have never been a prisoner of war
6. I have Buddhism in my life
7. I have God in my life
8. And Jesus
9. I can speak
10. I can walk and get about on my own
11. I can breathe unassisted
12. I can see!
13. I can hear
14. I can type
15. And even play piano
16. I believe I *will * make love again one day.
17. I am going to England!!!!!
18. I am taking French lessons!
19. And have so far been able to afford them.
20. I know some math
21. I am literate – reading, writing, spoken communication
22. I have always managed to do what needed – even if/when could only do bottommost level of it
23. I have all my internal organs (except those removed during hysterectomy)
24. I’m *enjoying * these little fantasies about L : )
25. I have a therapist who helps me
26. And the phone one too, temporarily
27. Jo’s humor and vivaciousness
28. Although I see myself as so dark, I’ve been told many times that I bring “joy and light” to the other person(s) - !
29. I have a Bachelor’s degree
30. And a Master’s degree
31. And a permanent teaching certificate
32. Plus 75 credits past my masters
33. I might - MIGHT – be able to take the Human Rights course.
34. I did write to the coordinator.
35. And he said it has sadness, of course, but that we always end on a happy note.
36. And that if I need, he’ll be happy to help with anything that comes up
37. And it’s free – so even if I have to start and drop out, it’s ok.
38. I am feeling MUCH calmer than an hour ago. Phew.
39. I have a professional lunch-date with my former tai chi teacher in a couple of weeks : )
40. I have Reiki in my life
41. Lovely e-mails from L.
42. My dr. says it is not imperative for me to see a number of guys.
43. Just to be careful, as I am vulnerable right now, emotionally.
44. I have a birthday coming up. And maybe I can CELEBRATE that I am alive; that I was born; that I didn’t kill myself.
45. And I know D and M will do something for me.
46. And I will probably be able to have a nice day, as I was able to last year, right?
47. Bright people, as in smart.
48. Bright people, as in light.
49. Romance. Every pure moment of it I have ever had in my life.
50. The sense I have come to have.
51. M just called. Nice. Trying to help me.
52. And I shall be with her on Sunday afternoon. Maybe we can even get me that phone!
53. Sitcom reruns that relax me a bit
54. I may need to take a pill today. But if I do, I can.
55. Good hot tea.
56. Laughter
57. Access to plenty of fresh clean water.
58. My hair
59. My sense of humor. It does crack people up irl.
60. DVD’s
61. Abilities. All my abilities.
62. Bread.
63. Hot cereal.
64. The Five Mindfulness Trainings.
65. That I try to practice them to the best of my ability.
66. That my OA sponsor is unrelenting in trying to push me into sharing the positive changes at meetings.
67. That I’ve begun to know he’s right.
68. There could be someone sitting there, in the exact shape I was in one year ago, in need. And I could be of help!
69. Beautiful music.
70. All music.
71. That I *did * get to play at that woman’s 40th birthday party.
72. And how supportive J. was about it.
73. That a friend reminded me this week, “Don’t be emotional when it comes to the money. You MUST protect yourself.”
74. And that the lawyer, whose son I’ve taught and he still loves me, said, “I know who you are. I know your heart. He does too. He may think your kindness means you’re going to roll over. You’re not.” Thank God for her.
75. Slippers
76. Socks
77. Especially my new socks
78. That I did a load of towels and a few other things yesterday.
79. That I have healthy food in the house.
80. That L. plays instruments.
81. That people at work respect me.
82. That I can knit.
83. And crochet.
84. And do crewel work. And taught myself!
85. And do needlepoint.
86. And that I can enjoy coloring
87. And Drawing
88. And painting
89. And playing piano
90. And practicing piano
91. That I have a dishwasher
92. And a washing machine
93. And a dryer
94. Without going outside
95. And mailbox right outside my front door
96. S e-mailed me today too.
97. And N. sends her love.
98. Thai food.
99. Plum wine
100. Grape juice
101. That I did this hundred.
Affirmations
I am a human being.
God made me.
I am a one-of-a-kind miracle.
I have all I need.
I am fine.
All is well.
All will be well.
I can expect the best, because I am open for the best. And the universe shall continue to provide.
God made me.
I am a one-of-a-kind miracle.
I have all I need.
I am fine.
All is well.
All will be well.
I can expect the best, because I am open for the best. And the universe shall continue to provide.
CoDA Work Today
I feel: Omg I wonder what the hell will come up.
As I am shaky, cold, blurry-dizzy. Still! And weight is dropping off a little even though I AM eating.
Okay, here goes.
omg so many - it took so long
ok
here
I feel:
hateful, incompetent, burdened, apprehensive, shaky, discouraged, thankful, lost, unstable in terms of financial security,exhausted, terrified, terrible, limited, furious, empty of abilities to help self here, deflated, lousy because of all this crap, undervalued, uneasy, blue and have been crying a lot today, angry at that fuck, disturbed by the thought of losing so much when i've done more than i've even shared here - and been through more than i've even shared here - yet, bothered obviously, desolate, absurd for not having had it even cross my mind that maybe he was planning this and letting that clock tick for the last two years, belittle by being treated this way, low, desperate financially, ignored by the shit even though he was supposed to teach me this week how to do the bills online - although he has now said he will do it sat., perplexed by it all and how it could happen,
uncertain about my own future ***this one is VERY DANGEROUS for the child of a schizophrenic mother, who therefore grew up with a deep-rooted internal belief that her (my) actions COULD NOT affect her environment. and now, having spent decades on something, to possibly lose it all SO reinforces that. I'm SO SCARED!
helpless in a way, on my own at least - but not as much with the lawyer on board. God, I hope himself will see how generous I am prepared to be and just fucking SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ACCEPT IT AND GET THE FUCKING FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE!
opposite of energized - if there were a word, it would be de-energized
clueless as to what the fuck to do - glad don't have to know; lawyer does
hopeful, somewhere but little and buried deep inside, a little bit hopeful
irritated beyond fucking words
estranged from the man who used to put my needs first - he doesn't even exist anymore - at this point, i don't NEED a man to put my needs first - but i am sickthefuck of being abused and used
aggravateed, distrubed, unappreciated as who i am
ashamed of having been so trusting and naive
uncooperative, somewhat reflective, miserable
and yet a teeny tiny bit cheerful as of when i used the magnets - not this minute
PANICKY
envious of EVERYONE who has handles their life better than i
Blessed. Still know I'm blessed in a million ways.
cheapened by that using piece of shit
amorous toward L
irritable (can you tell:)
somewhat brave
supported by the lawyer
free in a way, just not financially
sacred, I think, because God did make me, right?
i see that i chose the word renewed this am before i got through all these chosen words, with the major crying jag in between while trying to meditate, but i don't know why
ill - dizzy, blurry, wobbly
whole in a way. shitty, but whole.
stuck in his fucking web
and enraged
powerful with my lawyer on my side, a little
wounded - how could he have done ANY of this to me?
baffled about it all, especially the money stuff
hindered by my own fucking self and stupidity
PANICKY!!!!
Like, scared for my own sanity over all of this:(
Insecure, abused, unsafe
anxious, bewildered, shocked,
threatened, toppled, worried
frightened
swamped (report cards - during all this?!)
vulnerable, afraid
welcoming - of SOME things in future
and trying to live in this moment
distressed, broken
unloved, even by M - i mean, i know she loves me in a way, but she is also EVER conscious of keeping people around who can help her...
JITTERY - ***This is the most noticeable, biggest feeling. Amazingly, shakingly jittery!
fearful. So Fearful.
impotent
overwhelmed
intimidated by the son of a bitch
Welcomed by some people
Powerless in the most important and positive way. Giving it all to God. I mean, taking every action I can, but giving it all to God.
Sensual. Thank you, L. I feel like a woman again. I would never be so stupid as to sleep with someone or anything like that! I just like feeling desirable.
Secure in a little way, like the universe is taking care of me. I have my breath, I have my practice (Buddhism)
Willing to do whatever I have to do. And kind of believing I can, with the help of God.
Dreadful overall. Really nervous about this feeling for so many days.
And fortunate
And finally: Grateful. Yes grateful for so much.
--
Five Good Things about Me
1. I AM strong. I AM. (right?)
2. There is a man who finds me desirable right now.
3. I am a very spiritual person, and that's nice.
4. I don't eat animals or their parts
5. I am smart enough.
Phew.
As I am shaky, cold, blurry-dizzy. Still! And weight is dropping off a little even though I AM eating.
Okay, here goes.
omg so many - it took so long
ok
here
I feel:
hateful, incompetent, burdened, apprehensive, shaky, discouraged, thankful, lost, unstable in terms of financial security,exhausted, terrified, terrible, limited, furious, empty of abilities to help self here, deflated, lousy because of all this crap, undervalued, uneasy, blue and have been crying a lot today, angry at that fuck, disturbed by the thought of losing so much when i've done more than i've even shared here - and been through more than i've even shared here - yet, bothered obviously, desolate, absurd for not having had it even cross my mind that maybe he was planning this and letting that clock tick for the last two years, belittle by being treated this way, low, desperate financially, ignored by the shit even though he was supposed to teach me this week how to do the bills online - although he has now said he will do it sat., perplexed by it all and how it could happen,
uncertain about my own future ***this one is VERY DANGEROUS for the child of a schizophrenic mother, who therefore grew up with a deep-rooted internal belief that her (my) actions COULD NOT affect her environment. and now, having spent decades on something, to possibly lose it all SO reinforces that. I'm SO SCARED!
helpless in a way, on my own at least - but not as much with the lawyer on board. God, I hope himself will see how generous I am prepared to be and just fucking SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ACCEPT IT AND GET THE FUCKING FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE!
opposite of energized - if there were a word, it would be de-energized
clueless as to what the fuck to do - glad don't have to know; lawyer does
hopeful, somewhere but little and buried deep inside, a little bit hopeful
irritated beyond fucking words
estranged from the man who used to put my needs first - he doesn't even exist anymore - at this point, i don't NEED a man to put my needs first - but i am sickthefuck of being abused and used
aggravateed, distrubed, unappreciated as who i am
ashamed of having been so trusting and naive
uncooperative, somewhat reflective, miserable
and yet a teeny tiny bit cheerful as of when i used the magnets - not this minute
PANICKY
envious of EVERYONE who has handles their life better than i
Blessed. Still know I'm blessed in a million ways.
cheapened by that using piece of shit
amorous toward L
irritable (can you tell:)
somewhat brave
supported by the lawyer
free in a way, just not financially
sacred, I think, because God did make me, right?
i see that i chose the word renewed this am before i got through all these chosen words, with the major crying jag in between while trying to meditate, but i don't know why
ill - dizzy, blurry, wobbly
whole in a way. shitty, but whole.
stuck in his fucking web
and enraged
powerful with my lawyer on my side, a little
wounded - how could he have done ANY of this to me?
baffled about it all, especially the money stuff
hindered by my own fucking self and stupidity
PANICKY!!!!
Like, scared for my own sanity over all of this:(
Insecure, abused, unsafe
anxious, bewildered, shocked,
threatened, toppled, worried
frightened
swamped (report cards - during all this?!)
vulnerable, afraid
welcoming - of SOME things in future
and trying to live in this moment
distressed, broken
unloved, even by M - i mean, i know she loves me in a way, but she is also EVER conscious of keeping people around who can help her...
JITTERY - ***This is the most noticeable, biggest feeling. Amazingly, shakingly jittery!
fearful. So Fearful.
impotent
overwhelmed
intimidated by the son of a bitch
Welcomed by some people
Powerless in the most important and positive way. Giving it all to God. I mean, taking every action I can, but giving it all to God.
Sensual. Thank you, L. I feel like a woman again. I would never be so stupid as to sleep with someone or anything like that! I just like feeling desirable.
Secure in a little way, like the universe is taking care of me. I have my breath, I have my practice (Buddhism)
Willing to do whatever I have to do. And kind of believing I can, with the help of God.
Dreadful overall. Really nervous about this feeling for so many days.
And fortunate
And finally: Grateful. Yes grateful for so much.
--
Five Good Things about Me
1. I AM strong. I AM. (right?)
2. There is a man who finds me desirable right now.
3. I am a very spiritual person, and that's nice.
4. I don't eat animals or their parts
5. I am smart enough.
Phew.
Readings
At least some bits from each -
For Today
Important one, I think!:
Feb. 25
"When one is a stranger to oneself then one is estranged from others too." Anne Morrow Lindberg
"I may have made some progress in self-knowledge before, but only the OA program fills in ALL the gaps. ...The key - the real magic - of the twelve steps is that they replace my shabby independence with dependence on a strength that never fails me, my self-destructiveness with sane and healthful living.
Today, there is no split between what I want to do and what i actually do. I am abstinent. I am in touch with my feelings and with reality. i an reach out to others and be what *I * would want in a friend, spouse, sister, mother or co-worker.
For today: To keep growing in self-awareness, awareness of others and of God is my highest priority. For this, I am willing ot abstain and follow the directions in the steps."
Wonderful. And that's enough of For Today for today.
--
Now
Voices of Recovery
Feb 24
Ohh- biggy
"The illusions I had as a compulsive overeater were at the rest of my illness. When exposed to the bright light of reality these ideas - my old illusions - crumble into dust and low away." For Today p. 134
"I carried the illusions I brought with me to this program for many years. For example, if i were a 'good girl,' life would bring me no pain; when I married, I would be taken care of; I could control people, places, and things; being thin would solve all my problems; if I had enough willpower, I could stop eating.
When I came into Overeaters Anonymous, these illusions were exposed to the bright light of the Twelve Steps, and gradually they lost their hold over me. OA gave me the courage, hope, and clarity to face my life, one day at a time, without eating compulsively. Today i believe that living in reality carries with it the widest spectrum of feelings and challenges. When I keep the Twelve Steps close at hand, I have a chance to experience the promises and gifts of this program."
Can't type enough to do all, so here is one of each of the other two too
--
In This Moment
Oh boy...!
Feb 25
"In This Moment, a new way is better.
The lack of attention and preponderance of 'No' from mom in childhood is countered by equal intensity of not accepting the 'No' and needing the 'Yes' from my intimate partner. The needier I am, he more I set myself up for rejection. now that I've been hit in the gut with that awareness, I can figure out how to cahnge.
The truth is that the old way doesn't work. The new way is better. First, I recognize that I have a problem and then, with the help of my Higher Power, I begin to work to correct it. How blessed..."
cannot type anymore:(
==
Now it's Thursday:
Today's For Today:
"All things are possible until they are proved impossible - and even the impossible may only be so, as of now." Pearl s. buck
"If I set my sights short with the thought that weight loss is enough, I may never live life to ts fullest, enjoying its pleasures and gifts. I was not meant to live in spiritual poverty. god's gifts are mine for the taking, to be kept only by sharing them with others.
If today it seems impossible to be free of my most deeply-rooted faults, I accept that really only for today. Tomorrow takes care of itself, and there is every reason to believe all things are possible. Have I not received gifts I once thought were impossible?
For today: If abstinence with peace of mind and physical wellbeing is possible, can anything be impossible?"
--
Today's Voices of Recovery:
"Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." Step Three
"What freedom I've found in knowing that when I work Step Three and turn my will and my life and my food over to my Higher Power, I am no longer powerless. The Big Book tells me that a new power flows in. I am then empowered to make healthy choices. Abstinence is no longer the struggle it was when I was trying to abstain by willpower alone.
Allowing this new power to flow in constantly and consistently throughout this day, I see that cravings are not commands, and relapse is never inevitable. I can do this. I can move through this day abstinent and free. I now affirm, 'Abstinence is the easiest thing I have ever done."
--
Today's In This Moment:
Oh - I love this first line, and need it:
"In This Moment, I have hope."
"When I was little, I had lots of dreams for a life of happiness. Somewhere along the way, I gave up on those dreams. my life was full of problems. i believed that my problems were all someone else's fault.
By working my program and going to CoDA meetings, I learned that my life is what I make of it. Now, I have hope. I see ice, snow, and grayness out my window. But in just a few weeks I'll be looking at fresh green graas, pink roses, and golden sunshine. Seasons change and so will I."
Nice.
--
Today's The Language of Letting Go:
"Letting Go of Anger
"In recovery, we often discuss anger objectively. Yes, we reason, it's an emotion we're all prone to experience. yes, the goal in recovery is to be free of resentment and anger. Yes, it's okay to feel angry, we agree. Well, maybe . . .
Anger is a powerful and sometimes frightening emotion. It's also a beneficial one if it's not allowed to harden into resentment or used as a battering ram to punish or abuse people.
Anger is a warning signal. It points to problems. Sometimes, it signals problems we need to solve. Sometimes, it points to boundaries we need to set. Sometimes, it's the final burst of energy before letting go, or acceptance, settles in.
And, sometimes, anger just is. It doesn't have to be justified. It usually can't be confined to a tidy package. And it need not cause us to stifle ourselves or our energy.
We don't have to feel guilty whenever we experience anger. We don't have to feel guilty.
Breathe deeply. WE can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for our behaviors.
I will feel and release any angry feelings I have today. I can do that appropriately and safely."
==
For Today
Important one, I think!:
Feb. 25
"When one is a stranger to oneself then one is estranged from others too." Anne Morrow Lindberg
"I may have made some progress in self-knowledge before, but only the OA program fills in ALL the gaps. ...The key - the real magic - of the twelve steps is that they replace my shabby independence with dependence on a strength that never fails me, my self-destructiveness with sane and healthful living.
Today, there is no split between what I want to do and what i actually do. I am abstinent. I am in touch with my feelings and with reality. i an reach out to others and be what *I * would want in a friend, spouse, sister, mother or co-worker.
For today: To keep growing in self-awareness, awareness of others and of God is my highest priority. For this, I am willing ot abstain and follow the directions in the steps."
Wonderful. And that's enough of For Today for today.
--
Now
Voices of Recovery
Feb 24
Ohh- biggy
"The illusions I had as a compulsive overeater were at the rest of my illness. When exposed to the bright light of reality these ideas - my old illusions - crumble into dust and low away." For Today p. 134
"I carried the illusions I brought with me to this program for many years. For example, if i were a 'good girl,' life would bring me no pain; when I married, I would be taken care of; I could control people, places, and things; being thin would solve all my problems; if I had enough willpower, I could stop eating.
When I came into Overeaters Anonymous, these illusions were exposed to the bright light of the Twelve Steps, and gradually they lost their hold over me. OA gave me the courage, hope, and clarity to face my life, one day at a time, without eating compulsively. Today i believe that living in reality carries with it the widest spectrum of feelings and challenges. When I keep the Twelve Steps close at hand, I have a chance to experience the promises and gifts of this program."
Can't type enough to do all, so here is one of each of the other two too
--
In This Moment
Oh boy...!
Feb 25
"In This Moment, a new way is better.
The lack of attention and preponderance of 'No' from mom in childhood is countered by equal intensity of not accepting the 'No' and needing the 'Yes' from my intimate partner. The needier I am, he more I set myself up for rejection. now that I've been hit in the gut with that awareness, I can figure out how to cahnge.
The truth is that the old way doesn't work. The new way is better. First, I recognize that I have a problem and then, with the help of my Higher Power, I begin to work to correct it. How blessed..."
cannot type anymore:(
==
Now it's Thursday:
Today's For Today:
"All things are possible until they are proved impossible - and even the impossible may only be so, as of now." Pearl s. buck
"If I set my sights short with the thought that weight loss is enough, I may never live life to ts fullest, enjoying its pleasures and gifts. I was not meant to live in spiritual poverty. god's gifts are mine for the taking, to be kept only by sharing them with others.
If today it seems impossible to be free of my most deeply-rooted faults, I accept that really only for today. Tomorrow takes care of itself, and there is every reason to believe all things are possible. Have I not received gifts I once thought were impossible?
For today: If abstinence with peace of mind and physical wellbeing is possible, can anything be impossible?"
--
Today's Voices of Recovery:
"Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." Step Three
"What freedom I've found in knowing that when I work Step Three and turn my will and my life and my food over to my Higher Power, I am no longer powerless. The Big Book tells me that a new power flows in. I am then empowered to make healthy choices. Abstinence is no longer the struggle it was when I was trying to abstain by willpower alone.
Allowing this new power to flow in constantly and consistently throughout this day, I see that cravings are not commands, and relapse is never inevitable. I can do this. I can move through this day abstinent and free. I now affirm, 'Abstinence is the easiest thing I have ever done."
--
Today's In This Moment:
Oh - I love this first line, and need it:
"In This Moment, I have hope."
"When I was little, I had lots of dreams for a life of happiness. Somewhere along the way, I gave up on those dreams. my life was full of problems. i believed that my problems were all someone else's fault.
By working my program and going to CoDA meetings, I learned that my life is what I make of it. Now, I have hope. I see ice, snow, and grayness out my window. But in just a few weeks I'll be looking at fresh green graas, pink roses, and golden sunshine. Seasons change and so will I."
Nice.
--
Today's The Language of Letting Go:
"Letting Go of Anger
"In recovery, we often discuss anger objectively. Yes, we reason, it's an emotion we're all prone to experience. yes, the goal in recovery is to be free of resentment and anger. Yes, it's okay to feel angry, we agree. Well, maybe . . .
Anger is a powerful and sometimes frightening emotion. It's also a beneficial one if it's not allowed to harden into resentment or used as a battering ram to punish or abuse people.
Anger is a warning signal. It points to problems. Sometimes, it signals problems we need to solve. Sometimes, it points to boundaries we need to set. Sometimes, it's the final burst of energy before letting go, or acceptance, settles in.
And, sometimes, anger just is. It doesn't have to be justified. It usually can't be confined to a tidy package. And it need not cause us to stifle ourselves or our energy.
We don't have to feel guilty whenever we experience anger. We don't have to feel guilty.
Breathe deeply. WE can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for our behaviors.
I will feel and release any angry feelings I have today. I can do that appropriately and safely."
==
EJ! JJ! Birdie!
Just in case you've been missing my responses these months, in "Comments," or even if not, please know that you are such a help in my life.
Every child I help, you have helped.
Every friend I help, you have helped.
Every bit of fun I am now able to have, you have affected.
For it is through your encouragement that I have been able to be bumped up yet another step in this wonderful life.
I love you.
Thank you.
PS I hear you about the lawyer stuff too.
Thank you again.
Every child I help, you have helped.
Every friend I help, you have helped.
Every bit of fun I am now able to have, you have affected.
For it is through your encouragement that I have been able to be bumped up yet another step in this wonderful life.
I love you.
Thank you.
PS I hear you about the lawyer stuff too.
Thank you again.
Grats
I am grateful:
1. Mother
2. J in some ways
3. L
4. M
5. MA
6. ML
7. Ma
8. Mar
9. St
10. O
11. K
12. Mt
13. Tr
14. Jo
15. B
16. Ph
17. Li
18. Sh
19. A
20. N
21. Jd
22. JJ
23. Ej
24. Birdie
25. You, if you’re reading this
26. OA Sponsor
27. CoDA Sponsor
28. This sick day I am allowed to take, when I am SO sick
29. St driving me home yesterday
30. Heat. As I virtually never do, I turned it up a little higher last night.
31. And might right now as well
32. My piano. My particular piano.
33. Just contacted lawyer. Gulp.
34. Don’t care about “losing” J. Just want to protect my future, which is not secure financially to begin with!
35. Grateful for all these things. Plus, fresh water.
36. And tea. Am about to make some.
37. And headache not QUITE as bad right now.
38. And am about to make some spinach.
39. Fresh fruit
40. Dr. coming today.
41. Love of all kinds.
42. L’s kisses
43. And his sweet, gentle, romantic e-mails today.
44. And this poem he wrote to me. Which I have his permission to post here:
Lynn,
My senses are on call for you.
Yearning to know the smell, the taste
Of this succulent desert flower, blossoming anew
But alas, whose petals I do not see...
For I am blinded, partly by my bottomless thirst,
partly by your inexhaustible passion.
L.
45. That he makes me swoon.
46. My French lessons! If I am well enough later, I am going to do some French work!
47. Having red chai tea
48. Have contacted lawyer.
49. Maybe, maybe, there is hope.
50. Have also contacted phone call therapist. For 20 minute appointment
51. Then will still have a 30 minute one later
52. Museums
53. Bookstores
54. Libraries
55. The film, Les Choristes
56. Which M bought for me
57. And I think it has come
58. And I might get to watch it later today
59. I think, having been so sick and still am though already less-so, that, I am even further into wanting fewer overly-processed foods! Yay!
60. Intellect
61. Intellectual conversations
62. And sitcoms too
63. And diversity
64. I *might * take a course about human rights. I might not. As it will deal with the Holocaust, American slavery, worldwide genocide, and more. Might be *too much * for me to handle at this time.
65. I have written to ask if it will be given again next year, just in case.
66. I am feeling lately, and more and more, a pull toward something: Reiki, or helping animals (or giving Reiki to animals) or human rights, or vegan-related something, as possible later career or part-time something, . . . volunteer work, . . . after retire in about 9 years.
67. Spoke with lawyer. Afraid to put details here. E-mail if would like them. Grateful spoke.
68. Repeat: I do NOT want to HURT J! But I do NOT want him screwing me financially either! And I’m grateful on both counts.
69. Humor
70. L. keeping in touch so often (by e-mail) today, as I am sick PLUS had lawyer talk. Sweet man.
71. My passport just came!
72. And I am drinking black cherry tea.
73. And have had a bubble bath.
74. And two really nice e-mails from friends
75. I am grateful for Desiderata.
76. And for hot liquids.
77. And Mendelssohn
78. It’s Wed. now. I’m grateful I’m feeling better. Though still not *all * better: ( But grateful.
79. And that I was able to slow it down with L, and explain it to him.
80. That also (mainly in fact) meant I was able to put *my * needs first. Because as adorable as he is, I could lose myself. And I’ve just begun to find myself! My independence is too important.
81. And he heard me. (Mostly).
82. A great great session with my therapist yesterday.
83. AND the phone one too.
84. Both helped so much with this.
85. And – it’s not a REAL problem, anyway.
86. So so grateful for my Buddhism.
87. And the magical sort of feeling I have in my hands. I am able to access so much through them.
88. And the breathing game with the children (meditation).
89. And that soon I’ll be going to England!! By myself!!
90. Slippers
91. This blanket
92. My sobakowa pillow
93. Sleep last night. More than the last few, anyway.
94. A roof over my head. Really.
95. Prayer first thing this morning.
96. Going to read aloud the Five Mindfulness Trainings with another, very soon!
97. Upcoming lunch with my former tai chi teacher, who introduced me to the practice (Buddhism and meditation).
98. And it will be a re-meeting of old friends
99. But also, a professional lunch – how to better help children! Yay.
100. People noticing my ongoing weight loss.
1. Mother
2. J in some ways
3. L
4. M
5. MA
6. ML
7. Ma
8. Mar
9. St
10. O
11. K
12. Mt
13. Tr
14. Jo
15. B
16. Ph
17. Li
18. Sh
19. A
20. N
21. Jd
22. JJ
23. Ej
24. Birdie
25. You, if you’re reading this
26. OA Sponsor
27. CoDA Sponsor
28. This sick day I am allowed to take, when I am SO sick
29. St driving me home yesterday
30. Heat. As I virtually never do, I turned it up a little higher last night.
31. And might right now as well
32. My piano. My particular piano.
33. Just contacted lawyer. Gulp.
34. Don’t care about “losing” J. Just want to protect my future, which is not secure financially to begin with!
35. Grateful for all these things. Plus, fresh water.
36. And tea. Am about to make some.
37. And headache not QUITE as bad right now.
38. And am about to make some spinach.
39. Fresh fruit
40. Dr. coming today.
41. Love of all kinds.
42. L’s kisses
43. And his sweet, gentle, romantic e-mails today.
44. And this poem he wrote to me. Which I have his permission to post here:
Lynn,
My senses are on call for you.
Yearning to know the smell, the taste
Of this succulent desert flower, blossoming anew
But alas, whose petals I do not see...
For I am blinded, partly by my bottomless thirst,
partly by your inexhaustible passion.
L.
45. That he makes me swoon.
46. My French lessons! If I am well enough later, I am going to do some French work!
47. Having red chai tea
48. Have contacted lawyer.
49. Maybe, maybe, there is hope.
50. Have also contacted phone call therapist. For 20 minute appointment
51. Then will still have a 30 minute one later
52. Museums
53. Bookstores
54. Libraries
55. The film, Les Choristes
56. Which M bought for me
57. And I think it has come
58. And I might get to watch it later today
59. I think, having been so sick and still am though already less-so, that, I am even further into wanting fewer overly-processed foods! Yay!
60. Intellect
61. Intellectual conversations
62. And sitcoms too
63. And diversity
64. I *might * take a course about human rights. I might not. As it will deal with the Holocaust, American slavery, worldwide genocide, and more. Might be *too much * for me to handle at this time.
65. I have written to ask if it will be given again next year, just in case.
66. I am feeling lately, and more and more, a pull toward something: Reiki, or helping animals (or giving Reiki to animals) or human rights, or vegan-related something, as possible later career or part-time something, . . . volunteer work, . . . after retire in about 9 years.
67. Spoke with lawyer. Afraid to put details here. E-mail if would like them. Grateful spoke.
68. Repeat: I do NOT want to HURT J! But I do NOT want him screwing me financially either! And I’m grateful on both counts.
69. Humor
70. L. keeping in touch so often (by e-mail) today, as I am sick PLUS had lawyer talk. Sweet man.
71. My passport just came!
72. And I am drinking black cherry tea.
73. And have had a bubble bath.
74. And two really nice e-mails from friends
75. I am grateful for Desiderata.
76. And for hot liquids.
77. And Mendelssohn
78. It’s Wed. now. I’m grateful I’m feeling better. Though still not *all * better: ( But grateful.
79. And that I was able to slow it down with L, and explain it to him.
80. That also (mainly in fact) meant I was able to put *my * needs first. Because as adorable as he is, I could lose myself. And I’ve just begun to find myself! My independence is too important.
81. And he heard me. (Mostly).
82. A great great session with my therapist yesterday.
83. AND the phone one too.
84. Both helped so much with this.
85. And – it’s not a REAL problem, anyway.
86. So so grateful for my Buddhism.
87. And the magical sort of feeling I have in my hands. I am able to access so much through them.
88. And the breathing game with the children (meditation).
89. And that soon I’ll be going to England!! By myself!!
90. Slippers
91. This blanket
92. My sobakowa pillow
93. Sleep last night. More than the last few, anyway.
94. A roof over my head. Really.
95. Prayer first thing this morning.
96. Going to read aloud the Five Mindfulness Trainings with another, very soon!
97. Upcoming lunch with my former tai chi teacher, who introduced me to the practice (Buddhism and meditation).
98. And it will be a re-meeting of old friends
99. But also, a professional lunch – how to better help children! Yay.
100. People noticing my ongoing weight loss.
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