Promise

I must stop skipping parts or all of my daily spiritual wake.
I confess that I think I have hurt for so long, that all of my concentration has been divided between:
work
J. and my sadness
money fears as per J.
L. and it's much more pleasant obsessing about him than the 3 above

But my concentration should be - must be - on my health right now. And that means my eating, my exercising, my balancing of my emotional life, and my spiritual life.

I have been being unfair to myself in the:
spiritual morning work
eating (not too bad but not well enough)
not exercising
being distracted at work, and I feel very bad about that. I'm nice to the kids, and they are learning, but I'm not 100% present all the time:(

I commit to not skipping.
No one/no thing can be my higher power except my higher power.

Thank you for listening.

Affirmations

God made me.
God made us all.
I am as good as anyone else.

God loves me.
I love me.
Many people love me.

I am okay inside.
I am fine!

My life is wonderful!
I am so fortunate!

The universe is filled with abundance, and so is my life!

CoDA Morning Work Today

I feel:

Lots of things,
but among and sort of overwhelming them,
overwhelmed about the work around here I have to do today.
And the talk with J in about half an hour.
And the having to do the shopping with mother later. Don't know why, just afraid of my emotions and don't want to. (WILL, of course!)
And somewhat safe in the hands of God.
And scared inside somehow.
And all mixed about the divorce.
And afraid that L wants so much more than I do. But do NOT want to "use" him or be unfair to him. But am enjoying. And AM being honest...
Confused
Grateful

Next time do differently:
More for self.
Kinder, gentler to self.
Meet own needs.
NOT put someone else's needs above mine!

5 good things about me
sensuous
great hair
beautiful feet
more well-spoken irl again
becoming gentler - yay

Gratitudes

I am grateful for these things:

1. Beautiful art.
2. Beautiful architecture.
3. A romantic evening at a museum with L last night, with live classical music playing, and a glass of full-bodied red wine with a long finish.
4. And so many amazing works of art. A special show.
5. And he knows so much about art, that he is able to teach me while we’re there.
6. Lovely.
7. A wonderful spa-sperience yesterday. Considering it a b’day gift (b’day being next week) to myself.
8. Kandinsky
9. O.
10. St
11. M
12. Today’s plans aren’t bad. And of course, in the big picture, they’re quite good.
13. I have enough water.
14. I can still afford a roof over my head
15. And heat
16. And electricity
17. And phone bills
18. And car
19. And gas
20. And insurance
21. And dr. visits
22. And necessary medicines
23. Language
24. Looking through 1 ½ French picture books with L yesterday
25. And getting a pedicure!
26. And doing my French homework in the pedicure chair!
27. And then a mani (but no polish – piano, after all)
28. And – a massage!
29. And a driver to take me to the museum
30. And he was a gentleman
31. and a safe driver
32. And a driver to take me back home.
33. And he too, was a gentleman
34. and a safe drive.
35. Thoreau
36. My beautiful shoes that I wore yesterday
37. And my beautiful lacy stockings too.
38. And they were both commented on.
39. Today, I will see J to learn how to pay the online bills
40. And then I will see M
41. And upgrade my silly old cell phone while we’re together
42. And hopefully we’ll have coffee/tea together while we’re out
43. And then I shall take my mother shopping.
44. And I had broccolini
45. With slivered almonds
46. And sesame oil
47. And it was great!
48. With 2 slices spelt bread, for dinner, last night.
49. And I had the same healthy, luscious thing for breakfast today!
50. ***I am getting in touch with how very physically active my body really wants, desires, needs to be! Yay! Back to that knowledge.
51. For example, both really-interested-in-what-doing-at-museum days, didn’t care about eating for hours and hours! Great!
52. And I think it was in no small part, because I was walking a lot too.
53. Also gives me idea to move around yet more at work.
54. Composers
55. Lyracists
56. Spring is coming
57. Spring WILL come
58. L makes me feel like a lady.
59. A very desirable one, but a lady.
60. And – I let him touch my breasts a little tiny bit through clothes. And his touch was heavenly.
61. Sshhhh – and my tush too.
62. And – inside my clothes, my waist and my neck.
63. My doctor’s (shrinks) devotion to me and my health.
64. This infection seems to be clearing up.
65. *Big – I fell last night! In the street! One of those uncontrollable – wind up flat on my fact – glasses off in street, CD’s holding elsewhere in street, envelope out of sight. Cut knee. BUT – I’m so grateful – so very very grateful – that it was not on the OTHER side of the car! I would have been run over by that amount of traffic, let alone with such a speedy fall.
66. **And I’m SO SO SO INTENSELY INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL that I feel that way! As opposed to about 12 ½ months ago, when I wished for such a horrible thing. Oh my gosh.
67. God
68. Within the month, I shall be in England!!!
69. Thich Nhat Hahn
70. His 10-line poem (for one form of mindfulness meditation).
71. His monks
72. His nuns
73. That I have had time with then.
74. And will again!
75. Soon!
76. Colors. Like in art.
77. Nature.
78. People who preserve nature.
79. My aides this year, at least having nice tone with the children.
80. I believe I can be an even better teacher this coming week.
81. And certainly even moreso in April!
82. Every safe airplane flight everyone ever takes!
83. Oceans!
84. The magnificent dolphin footage on msn the other day: http://video.app.msn.com/watch/video/dolphin-stampede/206r4mvn (Might want to turn sound up)
85. I am grateful for veggies. So grateful for veggies.
86. Especially green ones.
87. And that I’m losing weight
88. And still, sitcoms
89. And laughter
90. And affectionate touches
91. And a better – so much better – feeling about the future.
92. And my newly-being-found independence
93. And my passport!
94. And my birth certificate!
95. And enjoying looking at artwork of pretty, naked women.
96. That I can have a little wine now and then.
97. That I’m come to appreciate, not just light white fruity, but good red.
98. Theater.
99. My black with red lacies – bra: )
100. Babies.

Readings First Today:)

For Today:

"Those undeserved joys which come uncalled and make us more pleased than grateful are [the ones] that sing." Henry David Thoreau

"It is a sudden pleasant turn of events, a delightful surprise that makes me know again that God works in mysterious ways. In times of despair, a friend happens to call. When I'm shopping for just the right gift, a totally unexpected suggestion presents itself. What I need most comes my way, but in a different, and far better, form than I could have imagined. Again and again I see the work of a Higher Power in my life. God's way is smooth and uncluttered. It is my will that is the stumbling block. When I overcome my need to control every event, every minute, my day is an adventure. Who knows what undeserved joys will come my way?

For today: I so not have to think about tomorrow or yesterday or brood about how things should be. God is directing this show, and I don't want to miss my cue."

Beautiful.

--

Voices of Recovery?

"...as we understood him, . . . "
-Step Eleven

"Today I am not burdened by my or anyone else's preconceptions about a Higher Power. By working the Steps, using the slogans, and taking advantage of the tools, I have met a power greater than myself which works for me. Prayer and meditation are what I need daily to be the complete and abstinent person that I am."

Oh.
Good.
--

In This Moment:

"In This Moment, I am honest with myself.

Honesty means finding freedom through truthfulness. When I get in touch with my true feelings, I dig deeper to the root cause of my dysfunction. In Step Four, my personal inventory uncovers my character defects. In Step Five, I work with my sponsor and Higher Power to plant the seeds of healing, where once there was disease. Where there was turmoil, now there is serenity. Once tormented by fear, now I have courage. Ignorance and foolishness have been replaced with wisdom. All of this happens when I do my part and allow God to do God's Part."

Wow.

--

The Language of Letting Go:

"Higher Power as a Source

"Ive learned i can take care of myself, and what I can't do, God will do for me."
Al-Anon member

"God, a Higher Power as we understand Him, is our source of guidance and positive change. This doesn't mean we're not responsible for ourselves. We are. But we aren't in this alone.
Recovery is not a do-it-yourself project. We don't have to become overly concerned about changing ourselves. We can do our part, relax, and trust that the changes we'll experience will be right for us.
Recovery means we don't have to look to other people as our source to meet our needs. They can help us, but they are not the source.
As we learn to trust the recovery process, we start to understand that a relationship with our Higher Power is no substitute for relationships with people. We don't need to hide behind religious beliefs or use our relationship with a Higher Power as an excuse to stop taking responsibility for ourselves and taking care of ourselves in relationships. But we can tap into and trust a Power greater than ourselves for the energy, wisdom, and guidance to do that.


Today, I will look to my Higher Power as the source for all my needs, including the changes I want to make in my recovery.

==

Grats, CoDA, Affirm. (Readings tomorrow, okay?)

I am so grateful!

1. That Reba McIntire video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=032FsMMKWqM
2. And that I shared it with Ka
3. And with P
4. And with L
5. And that a song like that can give me such chills
6. And her voice.
7. Water. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water
8. This morning’s coffee. Not too much.
9. Nana Mouskouri
10. And the night we met her
11. And I got to touch her. We touched hands warmly and looked into each other’s arms.
12. Very sweet words in e-mail from L. this morning.
13. Might see him this weekend. For a couple of hours. In public. The later 2 parts at my insistence. MUST maintain my independence. MUST NOT be too tempted by his amazing sexual presence to me. And MUST be prudent. Also, do NOT want a “boyfriend.” I’m just beginning to find myself! Do not, for example, want to be in London calling my “boyfriend” every night!
14. That I can hear. So I can hear beautiful music.
15. That I have been to irl Major League baseball games.
16. With J.
17. And he (reluctantly, because of money) bought me that expensive sweatshirt that time I was freezing in the rain at one.
18. That I will get through this Step. Eight. I will. I will.
19. Summer is coming. Well, in a few months lol.
20. And I can do whatever the – heck – I want.
21. I can travel (inexpensively)
22. Have sleepovers at Mer’s.
23. Swim daily.
24. Walk daily.
25. Read
26. Paint.
27. Play and practice piano.
28. Might even have some work days in rain forest! Oh my goodness that would be amazing!
29. Imagine the breathing there!
30. And I’d have so much to offer the district upon my return!
31. Laughter
32. Showers
33. Baths
34. Bubble baths. Such luxury.
35. I WILL get through this financial talk this am with J. I will.
36. And lawyer contacted me – I just saw it. She said not to worry – that this one conversation won’t make all the difference anyway.
37. And I honestly believe that from there, I will get a massage.
38. And then meet L. at a little museum.
39. And this evening watch my French movie! All by myself!
40. Ravel.
41. Am listening to a piece L. just sent me. A gorgeous piano concerto.
42. And he says he has made discs for me, from a site he pays for
43. And will give them to me today
44. England! I will be there within one the month! I, who have wanted to be there for 42 years, will be there within a month!
45. And will have done all by myself!
46. Band-aids
47. White blood cells
48. Hiv tests. I’ll not sleep with someone now until they’ve had (and I would have too, for them).
49. My legs that serve me so well.
50. My sweet student, D. Yesterday I was teasing them. We were rushed and I said, “Here, you don’t even have to come over to the rug. I’ll do it from here – I’ll serve you!” Giggles all around…Then when dismissing, little D. came up to me and said, “You said you would serve us. But in social studies, you said slavery is bad.” I STILL sometimes forget how literal they are – damn. And I said, “Oh, Sweetie, thank you for sharing that thought with me. You see, I am not a slave. I have taken a job to serve children – to serve you. I was free to take it. I even get paid for it. And I love it!” He smiled and said, “Oh! Okay. Thanks.”
51. Second graders don’t say, “Rabbits.” They say, “Bunnies”
52. Innocence. Every bit of it.
53. Me walking into the nurse’s office yesterday just as she was watching the Reba clip I’d sent her, with tears coming to her eyes! I had chills all over my arms, and she saw them. She said, about her first grandchild, due in less than 2 weeks, “Oh! I can’t WAIT to get my hands on that baby!”
54. Cups
55. Saucers
56. Mugs
57. Bees
58. Ants
59. Internet
60. E-mail
61. Treadmill
62. Balance exercise thingy
63. I can do virtually anything I want!
64. I can go to Russia
65. I can get pedicures
66. Or give self own
67. I can take bubble baths
68. I can decide to NEVER see a violent movie or show again!
69. I have a reprieve! J has agreed to come tomorrow.
70. And mother has agreed I can take her shopping then.
71. My breath is FINALLY – coming in all the way to my navel. Finally.
72. Ah, sweet fresh breath.
73. And sipping ginger peach tea.
74. And will see L. today.
75. I can go on a music-trip throughout Europe. (If I had the money. But money aside).
76. Or an *elegant * cruise.
77. I can wear my new coral shoes.
78. And not care AT ALL whether you-know-who, or ANYONE likes them.
79. I can speak and hear and read more and more French!
80. I can be a sweetheart to the children!
81. I can feel happiness!
82. I can feel joy!
83. I can spread joy!
84. I CAN face my responsibilities. 3rd load of laundry is in. Remember when I couldn’t even get downstairs to DO it last year?
85. And I WILL – sort of happily even – have that talk with J. tomorrow.
86. And take my mother shopping.
87. But first – I shall have an ENTIRE free day!!!!!!!!!
88. Going to go plan it now.
89. I am grateful for my quick typing.
90. And for every single person who has ever helped me.
91. Including the one who saved my life when I almost drowned.
92. And J, after my horrible life-changing injury.
93. And M, for having me sleep over on the two most depressing nights of my life.
94. And MA for “baby-sitting” me the evening J. left
95. And each of you, for being here so that I am not alone in cyber-space.
96. I am grateful that I feel so much more lighthearted now!
97. And for sitting on the beach and beading those times I’ve done that.
98. And for art.
99. And for music.
100. And that I shall be at a museum later this very day!
101. Every miracle in my life. Miracles in my life!
Thank you, God, for all these gifts!

God, I offer myself to Thee. To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to them of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always. Amen.

5 good things about me:
I am a free summer-sprite in the summertime
I am a responsible professional during the work-year
I am sensuous
I am, gulp, even sexy.
I have nice felt.

CoDA
I feel:
FREE!! Unindentured for this one day!
Grateful for that!

Affirmations:
God did make me!
I am good enough!

Grats

I am grateful:

1. M.
2. She DOES love me.
3. I would never take her up on this, but she actually said this last night. And it is not the first time she’s said something like this. Remember, she is in a very different financial state than I. “Honey, you will never be poor. You will never lack for a roof over your head. If worst comes to worst, worst really comes to worst, I will buy a 4-bedroom instead of a 3-bedroom house. You will live here. I only have my children half time, so you’ll have plenty of quiet days, a beautiful room I promise, a safe home, your vegan food. I mean this for life. Even if I am with someone, you are always welcome to a home in my home.”
4. It doesn’t matter that I would never do that. It doesn’t matter that her feeling about it all might change were I to : ) It matters that she meant it.
5. I guess, thanks to you, and especially JJ, EJ, and Birdie, I am not only not alone in cyber-space, but I’m also not all alone irl.
6. There are miracles.
7. I am a miracle.
8. Each of you is a miracle.
9. Every baby is a miracle.
10. This song. Every time in my life than I have seen and heard it, I am covered with chills. It moves me so deeply. It is sung by the magnificent singer Reba McIntire, playing the roll of a first time grandmother with her newborn grandchild. Copy this into your irl, turn up the volume, and enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=032FsMMKWqM
11. The sweet nothings L. whispered to me in bed on the phone. Not raunchy! Just lovely, like, “Let’s drape ourselves across each other and feel each other’s skin and fall asleep so gently.”
12. And I fell asleep gently. To that.
13. And although not NEARLY enough, I did get some sleep!
14. Dear JJ. I am so tired, and kind of nauseous. Just want to stay home and asleep. Nervous about financial talk tomorrow… But I woke up, and she had the most beautiful note here, and it really helped to turn around things for this day.
15. Dear M, who actually MADE my sub plans for that day this week, and sent them to me for approval before giving them to sub. I didn’t even have to think about it.
16. God. God of goodness. God whom I believe created all of us, out of a desire to share the love and joy.
17. Grace. Which I see as the spirit of God as it moves among, around, and between us.
18. The Internet. I have met such beautiful people here.
19. EJ e-mailing. Thank you for that special e-mail, EJ.
20. Prayer
21. Meditation
22. That when I went to do it yesterday, I wound up lying on the little rug in the little sunroom, weeping. Just weeping. It was painful, and followed me back into the den, but I think it was a necessary release.
23. That I do believe this 4-day headache will go away. It’s SO uncomfortable. I have had maybe 4 headaches in my LIFE up until now. But I DO believe it will go away. I mean, obviously, I’m not going to walk around with the headache forever.
24. That I also believe, whatever happens I will get through.
25. Anne Frank.
26. That her father shared her diary with us all.
27. Inspirational quotations.
28. "Think of all the beauty that's still left in and around you, and be happy." Anne Frank
29. "It's difficult in times like these: ideals, dreams and cherished hopes rise within us, only to be crushed by grim reality. It's a wonder I haven't abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart." Anne Frank
30. “Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is! “ Anne Frank
31. “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” Anne Frank
32. “I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.” Anne Frank
33. “The most important day I remember in all my life is the one on which my teacher, Anne Mansfield Sullivan, came to me.” Helen Keller
34. That while I was meditating, I did hear from right outside the window, the most beautiful birdsong.
35. “Once I knew the depth where no hope was, and darkness lay on the face of all things. Then love came and set my soul free. Once I knew only darkness and stillness. Now I know hope and joy. Once I fretted and beat myself against the wall that shut me in. Now I rejoice in the consciousness that I can think, act and attain heaven. My life was without past or future; death, the pessimist would say, "a consummation devoutly to be wished." But a little word from the fingers of another fell into my hand that clutched at emptiness, and my heart leaped to the rapture of living. Night fled before the day of thought, and love and joy and hope came up in a passion of obedience to knowledge. Can anyone who escaped such captivity, who has felt the thrill and glory of freedom, be a pessimist?” Helen Keller
36. “To know the history of philosophy is to know that the highest thinkers of the ages, the seers of the tribes and the nations, have been optimists. The growth of philosophy is the story of man's spiritual life.” Helen Keller
37. “The highest result of education is tolerance. Long ago men fought and died for their faith; but it took ages to teach them the other kind of courage, — the courage to recognize the faiths of their brethren and their rights of conscience. Tolerance is the first principle of community; it is the spirit which conserves the best that all men think.” Helen Keller
38. “Let pessimism once take hold of the mind, and life is all topsy-turvy, all vanity and vexation of spirit. There is no cure for individual or social disorder, except in forgetfulness and annihilation. "Let us eat, drink and be merry," says the pessimist, "for to-morrow we die." If I regarded my life from the point of view of the pessimist, I should be undone. I should seek in vain for the light that does not visit my eyes and the music that does not ring in my ears. I should beg night and day and never be satisfied. I should sit apart in awful solitude, a prey to fear and despair. But since I consider it a duty to myself and to others to be happy, I escape a misery worse than any physical deprivation.” Helen Keller
39. “I believe it is a sacred duty to encourage ourselves and others; to hold the tongue from any unhappy word against God's world, because no man has any right to complain of a universe which God made good, and which thousands of men have striven to keep good. I believe we should so act that we may draw nearer and more near the age when no man shall live at his ease while another suffers. These are the articles of my faith, and there is yet another on which all depends — to bear this faith above every tempest which overfloods it, and to make it a principal in disaster and through affliction. Optimism is the harmony between man's spirit and of God pronouncing His works good.” Helen Keller
40. “Recently I was visited by a very good friend who had just returned from a long walk in the woods, and I asked her what she had observed. “Nothing in particular,” she replied. I might have been incredulous had I not been accustomed to such responses, for long ago I became convinced that the seeing see little.
How was it possible, I asked myself, to walk for an hour through the woods and see nothing worthy of note? I who cannot see find hundreds of things to interest me through mere touch. I feel the delicate symmetry of a leaf. I pass my hands lovingly about the smooth skin of a silver birch, or the rough, shaggy bark of a pine. In spring I touch the branches of trees hopefully in search of a bud, the first sign of awakening Nature after her winter’s sleep. I feel the delightful, velvety texture of a flower, and discover its remarkable convolutions; and something of the miracle of Nature is revealed to me.” Helen Keller
41. “Happiness is the final and perfect fruit of obedience to the laws of life.” Helen Keller
42. And that one, to me, is about Acceptance.
43. “A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships.” Helen Keller
44. “It all comes to this: the simplest way to be happy is to do good.” Helen Keller
45. SO TRUE! “If we spend the time we waste in sighing for the perfect golden fruit in fulfilling the conditions of its growth, happiness will come, must come. It is guaranteed in the very laws of the universe. If it involves some chastening and renunciation, well, the fruit will be all the sweeter for this touch of holiness.” Helen Keller
46. “It isn't enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn't enough to believe in it. One must work at it.” Eleanor Roosevelt
47. “Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.” Eleanor Roosevelt
48. “When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?” Eleanor Roosevelt
49. L just wrote. Said he feels “warmed and nourished” by me. Sweet.
50. My new lawyer
51. Tenderness. Every example of it I’ve ever known.
52. My French lessons! So grateful for them!
53. M on phone just now.
54. And she said she will take my class for 50 minutes this morning. She will do math. I have done this too – it’s good for them to work as buddies. But today, oh, what a gift.
55. Antibiotics, when needed
56. My not letting L come here before *I’m * ready.
57. I’m probably going to see Stonehenge!
58. My original birth certificate came back yesterday!
59. My pocket book.
60. My safe deposit box, for birth certificate and deed to house
61. Dancing. I love dancing.
62. Though it’s a busy and potentially very stressful one, a weekend is coming: )
63. Spinach
64. Collards
65. Blogs
66. Internal sameness across many countries of the earth
67. I’m beginning to feel a bit more myself after these whirlwind heady L feelings, and sickness, and intensely busy days. Phew.
68. Humor
69. People who are thankful, including me.
70. The strength I have shown in the past.
71. The strength I expect to be granted in the future.
72. Enjoyment! Every moment of innocent fun and enjoyment.
73. Vegetarian Times magazine
74. Lentils
75. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water.
76. Life
77. Breath
78. Thich Nhat Hahn
79. Thai food
80. Vegans everywhere
81. Dogs
82. Cats
83. Fish
84. Birds
85. Turtles
86. The author visiting my class the other day
87. I think I’m going to get a Smart Phone. I have a very old (10 years?) clam shell phone that is broken. Not sure can afford monthly, but will see.
88. I WILL get done all I need to this weekend. I WILL.
89. 3 nice new vegan soaps which were a gift.
90. About to take shower. A shower makes a gratitude.
91. French picture-books
92. Maybe can see the movie Les Choristes tonight – M bought it for me! : )
93. Mothers’ love for their children
94. My amazing father
95. My quick typing abilities
96. And that typing relaxes me so much
97. Whole grain bread
98. Tofu
99. Vanilla almond milk
100. Coconut water