Birdie

Stupid new and expensive computer Cannot reply in comment box Want to say to you: Mwah!

Readings - The Language of Letting Go

Letting Go of perfection As I journey through recovery, more and more I learn that accepting myself and my idiosyncrasies - laughing at myself for my ways - gets me a lot further than picking on myself and trying to make myself perfect. Maybe that's really what it's all about - absolute loving, joyous, nurturing self-acceptance. - Anonymous Stop expecting perfection from yourself and those around you. We do a terrible, annoying thing to ourselves and others when we expect perfection. We set up a situation where others, including ourselves, do not feel comfortable with us. Sometimes, expecting perfection makes people so uptight that they and we make more mistakes than normal because we are so nervous and focused on mistakes. That does not mean we allow inappropriate behaviors with the excuse that "nobody's perfect." That doesn't mean we didn't have boundaries and reasonable expectations of people and ourselves. But our expectations need to be reasonable. Expecting perfection is not reasonable. People make mistakes. The less anxious, intimidated, and repressed they are by expectations of being perfect, the better they will do. Striving for excellence, purity in creativity, a harmonious performance, and the best we have to offer does not happen in the stymied, negative, fear-producing atmosphere of expecting perfection. Have and set boundaries. Have reasonable expectations. Strive to do your best. Encourage others to do the same. But know that we and others will make mistakes. Know that we and others will have learning experiences, things we go through. Sometimes, the flaws and imperfections in ourselves determine our uniqueness, the way they do in a piece of art. Relish them. Laugh at them. Embrace them, and ourselves. Encourage others and ourselves to do the best we can. Love and nurture ourselves and others for being who we are. Then realize we are not merely human - we were intended and created to be human. Today, God, help me let go of my need to be perfect and to unreasonably insist that others are perfect. I will not use this to tolerate abuse or mistreatment, but to achieve appropriate, balanced expectations. I am creating a healthy atmosphere of love, acceptance, and nurtuirng around ad within me. I trust that this attitude will bring and the best in other people and in me.

Readings - In This Moment

In This Moment, I trust in my Higher Power. I do not worry about the future or regret the past. The same power that causes the sun to rise each morning and provides light and sustenance to the earth can handle my issues, no matter how small or large. I am but one creation in this vast sea of creation, yet my part is vital. As I am someone's student, so I am also another's teacher. My Higher Power has created me and placed me here. Although I may not always understand my purpose, I belong here simply because I am.

Readings - Voices of Recovery

"We now say yes to this power, deciding from here on to follow spiritual guidance in making every decision." OA 12 & 12 p. 19 In every decision? My mind went into instant rebuff mode upon reading those words. Oh sure, I could see the need to surrender my will and my life to a power greater than myself in food-related matters. Just how many fruits can I dice up really small and cram on top of my cereal and still remain spiritually fit? How many trips to the salad bar constitutes a normal meal? But every decision? Whether to ask for a raise, to take on a new sponsoree, to read Lifeline or TV Guide, to go to bed with this atrtactive stranger, to phone my mother or my sponsor, to tell this jerk I'm plenty miffed - in all the small and large decisions that make up a day, that make up a life. The words on the first page of Step Three gazed back at me serenely. I hesitated and then totally capitulated to their injunction. And I've never regretted that surrender.

Readings - For Today

A permanent state of transition is man's most noble condition. Juan Ramon Jimenez Change is not compatible with stubborn pride. Growth does not happen in a climate of arrogance and know-it-all superiority. The changes that are taking place in those who practice this program involve the total personality - thoughts, emotions, the way I see myself and other people. These transitions require a willingness to let go old ideas, to place my faith in a Power greater than myself. When I gave up my will, the gift of abstinence became mine and my compulsion to overeat was arrested. My other defects are being removed as I become willing to give up my right to decide and control my life. For today: To change, I must understand that giving up is not giving in, nor is it failing. It is no longer needing to be right.

This is really a draft from a while ago!

I am grateful: 1. I am so very grateful that the sadness I felt a couple of years ago is over. 2. I am grateful that I went THROUGH it. Not around it. Came out the other side. 3. I am grateful for my health. To not be chronically ill. 4. I am grateful for Louis. That he is in my life. That he is my boyfriend. That I was open enough to let him in! 5. I am grateful for the half cup of coffee I had today with lowfat vanilla coconut milk. 6. And that soon I can exercise again! 7. I’m grateful that I play piano. 8. And that I (usually) have a voice. 9. I’m grateful that I can breathe on my own. 10. And for Yogi Breathe Right or Breathe Deep or whatever it’s called, tea. 11. I’m grateful that the book I’m slowly reading is so captivating. Because I’m not far enough Buddhism-wise to totally be in my own body every second and just experience. So when I REALLY need a distraction, like middle of night can’t breathe/sleep, that book has been a godsend. 12. I am grateful that I love history. 13. And so much non-fiction altogether. 14. I am grateful for all the years and days of deep, quality friendship I have had/have with Mary Allen. 15. I am grateful that Louis has good friends! 16. And a good, active life! Fiends, House Career! Music! Museums! Beaches! Amazing terrific best-in-the-world-girlfriend! Sex life! Laughter! Reading! Exercise! Concerts! Theater! Artistic talent! Piano! Phone chats! Sauna! Biomat! Handy! Leo! + Politics! Charities! Environment! 17. But also enjoys his quiet time. 18. I am grateful for all that in me, too. 19. I am grateful for the people who’ve come before, including Jim and John, because they did. And because they are part of the fabric of my life. And I have learned lessons from those relationships. 20. I am grateful for laughter! 21. And absurdity! 22. And I am grateful for Handy! 23. And Leo! 24. And French. Beautiful French. And my lessons. I love taking French. 25. And poetry 26. I am grateful for my therapist. His devotion and best use of his fine brain makes one feel cared for. 27. I am grateful that I am pretty. 28. And orgasmic 29. And that I have the best lover in the world! 30. I am grateful that people like and respect me. 31. And that I am trustworthy. 32. And spiritual. 33. I am so grateful for Kairava. 34. And for organic veggies and fruits 35. And vegan cookbooks. Even though I almost never use them(!), I am grateful that they exist. 36. I am grateful for the happy times I’ve had doing crewel work, cross-stitch, needlepoint, knitting, and crocheting. 37. And the happy memories of my mo ther teaching me to knit, pre-K! 38. And my grandmother and aunt trying to teach me to crochet, to no avail : ) 39. And student Kristen’s baby-sitter finally teaching me with success, all those years later. 40. And every good day my mother has. 41. And that she now gets Meals on Wheels, thanks in no small part to Louis. 42. And that I healed from that injury! 43. I am so very very grateful that I am a vegan! There was a time when I thought I never could be! 44. I am grateful that I am literate. 45. And can read music too. 46. And that I enjoy so many things! Including plain old walking, and word games, and giving to children. 47. I think I won’t be taking Phoebe much or at all anymore. And that makes me sad. But I am grateful for every single minute of joy we’ve had together! not Phoebe. Shih tzu onilne. 48. And that I have a house. 49. And that I bought it by myself! 50. I am grateful that I am courageous. 51. And that Louis has found the people to do the body work on his car. 52. And that I have a car. And a car that I love, no less. 53. I am grateful for garbage collection. I worked with someone who had to drive hers somewhere twice a week! 54. I am grateful for rivers and lakes and the sound, the bay, and the beautiful ocean! 55. And that Louis has a pool and is so happy he has it. 56. I am grateful for the times we’ve had/have together! The kisses. 57. The hugs. 58. The lovemaking. 59. The towns we visit. 60. The wine shares 61. The music! 62. The laughter. 63. The museums 64. The concerts and theater 65. The movies 66. The meals 67. The sleepovers 68. The walking 69. The talking 70. The gratitudes sharing 71. The time with friends 72. I am grateful that I had 4 week-long retreats with Thich Nhat Hahn! 73. And that I went to England! 74. And that I went by myself! 75. And that I enjoyed it so much! 76. That Louis loves that I wear lacy stockings 77. I am grateful that I am helpful to others. 78. And for every person and non-human animal who has ever been helpful to me 79. And that I like my principal so much. 80. And that the saboteur will not be in my classroom this coming school year! 81. I am grateful for my legs and feet and that both are strong. And pretty. 82. And for my good hair. 83. And pretty eyes and smile. 84. And lovely breasts. 85. And shoes. 86. And pocketbooks. 87. And that Louis doesn’t mind, and even likes, that I am girlie. Because I am. 88. And that he is all man! 89. I am grateful for the kindness he has shown during this illness. And that I showed him kindness during his too. And that that’s the way we are. 90. And that neither of us is a fighter! 91. I am grateful for Sam and Joan. I miss them, but am glad they are in my life. And that they are good together. And that his new financial situation will relieve some tension for them! 92. I am grateful that Meredith got her house! And is putting it together so well! And it will be a real and happy home. 93. And that she is keeping a dresser drawer for me to keep enough stuff because she REALLY wants me to sleep over sometimes. 94. I am grateful that the Buddhist monks and nuns picked for me, the name: True Compassion of the Heart. What name could be more beautiful for me? 95. I am so grateful for the richness of my life.

Back? And Grats

Oy. So much. Mother stuff. Self stuff. And went away. I am grateful: 1. Great physical therapists 2. Good doctors 3. Fresh, clean water 4. J’s help with the paperwork that night, for so long 5. I am alive 6. My mother is alive 7. L is alive 8. J is alive 9. MA is alive 10. ML is alive 11. O is alive 12. M is alive 13. St is alive 14. K is alive 15. Li is alive 16. Jo is alive 17. K is alive 18. I am going to a party tonight: ) 19. And another one next week too 20. I have been to the beach with L 21. And he actually liked me in my bathing suit 22. He has shared some intimate things with me lately 23. I have breath 24. On my own 25. I can see. !. 26. I can walk 27. I am free 28. I can drive 29. I have a car 30. It is summer 31. And I am off from work 32. I have seen two good movies lately, with L. (Deconstrucing Dad, and Bernie). 33. These are luxuries, and I’m grateful that I know it. 34. Stationary 35. Stamps 36. Email 37. This blog. (Believe it or not). 38. Sitcoms 39. “My” little doggie – well, I guess his, now 40. It’s never in my life crossed my mind, “Will I not be able to have fruit today?” 41. Or vegetables 42. Or fresh, clean water. 43. As I am here on number 43, it is 5:18 am, and I have been on the phone with L or half an hour: ) 44. And we have just talked about gratitudes. 45. Honestly 46. I am so grateful that L is honest with me. 47. Ji. And all he did for me. 48. That the kids at school, sometimes treat me like a rock star. 49. That I get so many hugs at school. 50. I heard from Y! A student! A student I taught 10 years ago. She called me from Japan the other night! 51. That M’s divorce is coming through. 52. That I do have a home 53. And that I practically killed myself getting it. 54. Because as hard as that was, that means I got it BEFORE J. And he CANNOT take it! Phew. 55. That I have that appointment with the social worker at the nursing home today. 56. And I will do the right thing. For my mother. 57. Claritin 58. That I feel so much better today. Have been depressed. It was disturbing and frightening. I’m so glad I’m feeling better today. 59. That I eat better now. 60. For the wonderful life-changing phrase I’ve learned from program (OA): “Just do the next right thing.” 61. For my sponsor. I hope she’s still speaking to me, since I dropped off the face of the earth recently 62. City tomorrow possibility 63. Salad 64. That I have enough money to pay my bills. 65. Living more in the moment than I used to. 66. The music to which L has introduced me. 67. Air conditioning. 68. That J put it in for me this year. 69. That I can keep it on really low. 70. Leafy greens 71. Cruciferous vegetables 72. I’m grateful that L got to go in the water at the ocean yesterday 73. Laughter 74. Cheerfulness. Any time I have it. And for every one of us that has it. 75. MA being so much closer to me now again. 76. Oak floors. Red oak floors. 77. Gary Null. 78. Thich Nhat Hanh 79. Jesus 80. Onions 81. Garlic 82. That I have L’s shirt here 83. That I made him that nice scarf. 84. And am making one for MM 85. That I bought him that little “doll.” 86. Glasses. My new eyeglasses. 87. Lights 88. Electricity 89. My gorgeous new prescription sunglasses. Whoopee! 90. That L got a new, larger beach umbrella. I can’t wait to use it: ) 91. That doggie is a CGC (canine good citizen, which she had to qualify to receive) 92. And was a therapy dog 93. That I have a desk 94. My beach hat 95. That my bathing suits are a smaller size than in like 2 decades! 96. Wood 97. That lovely wood thing I have hanging on the wall, that J got for me on our walk after my hysterectomy, when he loved me. Or thought he did. 98. My Chopin biography that I’m reading. 99. I have 2 sofas and a loveseat. Wow. To even HAVE a sofa. 100. That I get my hair cut and colored regularly.