Private

Private.
So why put it on a blog?

Because I need a place where I can be 100% truly myself no matter what.
And friends and relatives won't see (or know it's me).
But YOU will see, whoever YOU are. So I'm not all alone, as in a diary...

Oh God help me. I'm admitting it all on these pages as always.

As I delve in. To the SHIT I've literally been putting off for months
may I say that:

1. MA is facing dreaded tasks daily.
Because of her declining health,
she must get out of that big house so she can move into a place where the things that are so hard for her now are done FOR her.
But to do that, she has to get through tons and mounds and tons and moungs of 40 years of stuff.
And
she does what she can EVERY day.
So far no help. Doesn't want any.
***If she can do that, because in her words, "I have to get rid of this house," then I can do this, because in my words here and now, "I HAVE TO have a home. Particularly the one I've been paying for for almost 3 decades. My teeny little house that needs work. But I have lived both ways here, and clean and in order is about 50 tons better than filthy and smelly and dark and broken things I COULD get fixed if I'd just get off my ass.

and
Last year, about a week before I'm doing this now (good - I didn't say TRYING to do), M had to set up her whole new (rented) little house in a week. She did it. And has paid off painter and handyman. Did kitchen etc. I helped. Je helped. mother helped. D helped. She took help as needed. Since then, lovely home. (But she does keep up daily, AND have help).

2. Every time do a little something, might make it easier to keep going. As I'm finding today.

Back to work.

--Break to say:
If I am the best I can be,
and that means looks and health and job and play AND HOME
I will be better able to attract someone
and better able alone anyway.

Ok back to work again.

Bread to say
--My doctor felt 2 weks ago (he missed last week) that maybe I let all this happen - the filth and falling behind and being overwhelmed.... because my mother always got the MOST attention when pathetic and needy and even ill. and desperate. AND THAT I DON'T NEED TO BE! That those who love and like me, do so because of my assets not my weaknesses.

--And *I* think that staying under the cloud keeps me from having to face my own inner loneliness. Well it doesn't work, but in a way gives me something to always worry about....

AND I am noticing that when I am busy - cleaning even, or practicing of course, ... I am not obsessing.
And it feels good to move.
This is what Kayleigh meant in part, I think.

Ok back to work again.

--Break to say -
These little writing breaks are helping me get and keep going!
Ma - my mother's aide = yet more inspiration. That place was disgusitng. My mother ALWYAS puts everything way. But it was dirty because she tried but couldn;t REALLY clean correctly anymore, and it was stuffy and smelly, and sheets weren't kept up with (laundry). And I saw all that right before her last hospitalization. And the girls - Ma in particular really all her now, have that place immaculate! It smells fresh and clean and aired out eat all times. (not chemically, just clean). The drinking glasses squeak. Bathtub, towels, everything. New things for bed, clothes, sneakers, everything.
If that could be done there, it can be done here.

O, from Russia, also has always had great work ethic. Always neat and almost always clean everything in her place. Even when terrible problems.
And no help.

And on the other hand, is M, who has someone else do it. (But of course she'll empty dishwasher, wash pots when does cook, clean counters, do laundry in between etc. because someone is there about half the week. But a weekly or bi-weekly cleaning lady might not be out of the question for me either....

Hope. There is hope.

back in again... I'm even getting hope for how I can live when the place is clean! Like my iPad and Nook in one place... my few plants doing well...

--

1:31


O is moving right now. And believe me, her busband’s place, into which she is moving, has boxes etc. BEFORE her move. Granted her mom is helping, but still.
I am sure when she is finished it will look and feel like a home. And a clean one, his 2-bedroom apartment.
*I * can do this


1:55
Anyway, it uses calories to clean
I am determined that either I will get a cleaning woman
Or pretend I did, do it myself, and put that money away for future!
Or both
Like one time a month c.l.
One time a mont I do it
And so it gets done twice a month, but 3x a month I can put away as if she came

Omg I feel like one of those people from the Hoarders shows. Truth – it’s not like that, but I’ve begn to believe that maybe it could be. If I don’t get to it now.
And so I say, with shame, but openly, that unlike the past MONTHS
I can eat at the table tonight if I have to.
And – I DO have to.
Just because I’m not comfortable all alone and eating “mindfully” yet, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do what I can.

So I shall eat at the table even if with a magazine or book. Is fine.
And about a million times better than eating with tv, slouched in the dark filthy den on the couch.
Okay.
Sigh.
There.
Good.
Sometning

3:02
I have finished today’s worth.
And the house is airing out.
And I took a bath and am sitting in a skirt and top
Will see therapist.
Then will empty dishwasher and refill it. Yes there was that much.

I have had a good healthy breadkfast and lunch
And will have a good healthy dinner too.

I have had spinach so far today
And will have broccoli later

Thank you, God

My 100 Gratitudes Today

done phew
I am grateful:

1. I am grateful for the birds being free and apparently happy yet again today
2. And flying
3. And my breakfast thtat I just had
4. And my getting out already today
5. And making up with A last night
6. And learning from it
7. And my coffee right now
8. From 7-11. That’s a luxury too.
9. This ______
10. And this _______
11. And this _______
12. And this _______
And this A fully integrated person has made peace with their shadow
side. They both embrace and accept the duality of the light
and dark within their Self, knowing both comprise their
wholeness, their uniqueness, their oneness with all that is.
There simply are no judgements or comparisons, no labeling
one as good, the other bad. Only total acceptance of what is.
And this, my friends, is the place from which peace springs. ______
13. And this______
14. That the broccoli helped a bit yesterday
15. Heard from M this morning! Nice.
16. And mother! Nice
This quote. (And I think it might be true: ) "Let us rise up and be thankful, for Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others." —Cicero _____
17. I am grateful that I have been out today
18. And as my eyesight is changing for the worse, and I scratched my car twice today because again couldn’t see with the glare, I am especially grateful that I can see.
19. And that I am not homeless
20. I am grateful for cheer.
21. And joy. Every minute of it: )
22. And laughing out loud yesterday with M
23. And MA somehow getting through what she has to
24. I am grateful for fb posts from inspirational pages
25. And for good books
26. And for my friend Maha
27. Gorgeous Chinese peacock butterfly _____
28. This, from fb page, “Abuse No More” Moving on doesn’t mean you have forgotten; it means you have accepted what happened in the past and choose to continue living in the present. Moving on doesn’t mean you’re giving up; it means you’re giving yourself another chance by making a choice to be happy rather than hurt. Through all the problems you have faced, the burdens weighing down on your shoulders, the pain in your heart, you have only one thing to say, “I survived and I now know better for next time.”
29. This _______
30. Those who mind dont matter & those who matter dont mindWhen you are down and in trouble, keep fighting. Don't give up. keep kicking. It won't help to wallow in self-pity, or curse your stars or play the blame game. Every adversity has an opportunity couched within. It is up to us to grab it. And what you do when the going gets tough, is what defines your outcomes.
31. The only way you will ever awaken is through the silence, not through analyzation of facts. Not by sorting out good and bad, but through simple silence, letting go. Letting go of all thoughts, all the hurts, all the dogmas and concepts. Letting go of these things daily.
~ Robert Adams_____
32. This _____
1. The spinach I just ate
2. A trying to help with my fucking depression
3. Dr tomorrow
4. Piano practice today
5. I did send O an email letter. She’ll take it however she takes it. I have nothing to lose. PLUS it is better for me to not be walked on. AND I believe, to take this “chance.” Although not really such a chance at this point
6. Tchaikovsky
7. That I was even extra good to the birdies today
8. That my mother is praying for me
9. That I am praying for others
10. That I can eat
11. Swallow
12. Drink
13. Water
14. That – calorie juice water without artificial sweetneners
15. That I can chew
16. That I had onions today
17. Lamps
18. a/c
19. mother – talk with her today
20. the new piece I’m learning
21. that great feeling of starting one. Carefully
22. and it is an upbeat one. Which is different for me. It is not pathos. The last three each had an undertow. Were beautiful! But this is upbeat
23. and I must admit I do appreciate O for it too
24. people who say don’t burn your bridges
25. and – just know whom you’re dealing with
26. talk with l on phone today
27. was there for M last night, even though I was hurting
28. I think she and I will go out Sat eve
29. Painting
30. Knitting
31. Crocheting
32. Embroidering
33. Walking
34. Walking in park
35. How much it always helped me
36. Swimming
37. Every mindful activity. Sort of brainless activity lol
38. The times J would come with me to the track so I could walk safely in dark
39. And all those places. WW
40. OA
41. So many places. Omg.
42. Um. The birdsong
43. That I am free
44. Not under the external control of soldiers
45. Or government
46. Or terrorist
47. Or physical abuser
48. Never been raped
49. Never had cancer
50. Never had heart attack
51. My neck not hurting ike it was
52. Nor my shoulders
53. Nor back
54. Nor wrists
55. Nor hands
56. Nor ankles, like did years ago
57. Opportunities!
58. Sitcoms
59. Liking Dr. Phil’s book, Life Code, to my surprise
60. And liking And the Mountains Echoed too
61. I sleep at night
62. Access to any pills I need
63. And my eye drops
64. The two toys the birds love so much
65. Especially Summer!
66. The 5-ring one
67. And the expensive colorful climby one
68. And how they use them together
69. And how much time – hours – they spend happily in the flight cage, even though I leave the door to it wide open
70. And the smile this is causing me right now!

Self-Honesty

I have all the conditions for happiness.
I have live, health, friends, my mother, good health care, a rewarding job, a home, birdies, enough money to live. I have Je and Ji who are like nieces to me.
I have had romantic love for most of my adult life.
I have a license, a car, trees, safety.
Beaches and pools and park nearby.
I can walk, and talk, and see.
Actually, much MORE than the conditions needed for happiness.
I have been on four retreats with Thich Nhat Hanh, am Reiki Level II, have 3 degrees, only one of which I had to pay for, play classical piano, and own a lovely upright Petrof piano which I paid for.
I have a cute enough fact, a curvy body, great hair, and access to the best foods and water. Also access to help with my compulsive eating disorder, like OA etc.

I fall.
Perhaps because of childhood damage, i don't believe in myself or whatever.

But greens -
there is no way to describe this so that an "outsider" could really believe it unless they've seen it. But they are medicine to me.
Without them, I fall. Fast. And hard.
With them, I come back. Quickly.

I MUST eat greens.
I MUST eat greens.

And believe.

And keep doing the gratitudes.

And yes. Sometimes I still have to pretend J will come back and love me and be with me again. To get through.
But then I see Randy Travis (we used to listen to him, and we saw him in concert), in the hospital in critical condition at age 54, J's age, and I think: I WANT J. to go for the happiness. WHEREVER he finds it.

And I too.

I fell today, but I did some good things. And I didn't give up. And I am better tonight than I could have been.

And I actually feel a bit better just writing this.

And that's all the truth.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Yitzhak Perlman, the great violinist, was playing in New York. Yitzhak Perlman was crippled by polio as a young child, so the bottom part of his body doesn't work well and he wears these very prominent leg braces and comes on in crutches, in a very painful, slow way, hauling himself across the stage. Then he sits down and, very carefully, unbuckles the leg braces and lays them down, puts down his crutches, and then picks up his violin. So, this night the audience had watched him slowly, painfully, walk across the stage; and he began to play. And, suddenly, there was a loud noise in the hall that signaled that one of his four strings on his violin had just snapped.

Everyone expected that they would be watching Yitzhak Perlman put back the leg braces, walk slowly across the stage, and find a new violin. But this is what happened. Yitzhak Perlman closed his eyes for a moment. Yitzhak Perlman paused. And then he signaled for the conductor to begin again. And he began from where they had left off. And here's the description of his playing, from Jack Riemer in the Houston Chronicle:

"He played with such passion, and such power, and such purity, as people had never heard before. Of course, everyone knew that it was impossible to play this symphonic work with three strings. I know that. You know that. But that night, Yitzhak Perlman did not know that. You could see him modulating, changing, recomposing the piece in his head. At one point, it sounded like he was de-tuning the strings to get new sounds from them that they had never made before. When he finished, there was an awe-filed silence in the room. And then people rose and cheered. Everyone was screaming and cheering and doing everything we could to show how much we appreciated what he had just done. He smiled. He wiped the sweat from his brow. He raised his bow to us. And then he said, not boastfully, but in a quiet and pensive and reverent tone,

"'You know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left.'"

Sometimes, it is our task to find out how much music we can make with what we have left. What is the name that is big enough to hold your fearlessness, that is big enough to call you into fearlessness? That is big enough to break your heart? To allow you to open to the suffering that is this world right now and to not become immobilized by fear and to not become immobilized by comfort? What is the way in which you can hold your work so that you do feel free from hope.... and therefore free from fear?

Reprinted with permission from the author. Margaret Wheatley's new book is So Far From Home: Lost and Found in Our Brave New World, published by Berrett Koehler. She is the author of six other books and works globally as a speaker, teacher, and consultant. ________
2. I am grateful that I don’t feel worse today. I could feel much much worse
3. And that yesterday, I did yesterday’s job.
4. And I will make myself – or gentle myself into doing – do today’s job.
5. Grateful that my mother’s call woke me.
6. And for light-hearted tv.
7. And that I laughed aloud yesterday.
8. And will make sure to today: )
9. J’s help
10. A’s friendship
11. L’s friendship
12. Gary Null’s sharing (radio and books – I don’t know him)
13. M
14. My plan for this week. Dreaded, but necessary and I will do it.
15. That I am a INFP. All combinations are equally great. Truly. But this is mine and it is I and so I am grateful for it because I am it and I am comfortable with it.
16. That I am a noble heart. Do things best when for a noble cause. Again, the practical are as important and needed too. But this is who I am.
17. And it is important to accept myself: )
18. And that in some ways I do.
19. I had to find something last night, that I like about my physical body. I felt it is my skin. The look of it. The feel of it.
20. This________
21. That I don’t smoke. I used to
22. I am reading
23. and beginning to practice “The Digest Diet.
24. I am to find things about my body I appreciate. I know I have said some of them before. But I appreciate so many. Here are some: My skin. The jobs it does.
25. How it looks.
26. How it feels
27. My eyes that see for me
28. My ears that hear for me.
29. My mouth that speaks for me
30. And eats for me
31. And drinks for me
32. My esophagus
33. My vocal cords.
34. My heart that beats strongly for me.
35. My lungs that take in and disperse oxygen for me.
36. My blood that carries it for me.
37. My brain that directs all
38. My spine that is healthy connection to my brain
39. And strong
40. And straight
41. My back
42. **** (stars because supposed to like some things about looks too) My back which curves nicely in at small
43. My cells that rejuvenate
44. That I was born
45. My stomach that digests food for me to get nutruients
46. My intestines that help with the process of dispersion and elimination of toxins and unnecessary substances
47. My butt with the muscles that help me walk
48. And the cushion that helps me sit
49. And when I’m not fat it has a pretty shape
50. My breasts are beautiful
51. My thighs. Strong. Get me everywhere.
52. My calfs. Strong too
53. My feet. Hold me. Balance me. Walk for me
54. My toes. Helping with balance. *****and cute too: )
55. My upper arms. Used to be taut and toned. Now are fat. But still work for me
56. Including piano
57. My forearms
58. Strength in them and they’re pretty too *****
59. My hands. I am so grateful for my glorious hands.
60. They type
61. And play piano
62. And write
63. And print
64. And carry things
65. And cook
66. And hug
67. And caress
68. And touch the faces of loved ones
69. And comb my hair
70. And apply a bit of makeup (sometimes)
71. **** I have pretty eyes
72. deep brown
73. black eyelashes
74. expressive
75. and a nice smile*****people comment on it
76. straight teeth **** (thank you for the braces, Mom and Dad!)
77. they chew for me
78. and I have healthy gums
79. wrists that bend all the way (someone I know had accident and hers will never bend all the way again)
80. my trigger thumb got better
81. with two shots
82. and not surgery
83. and I could afford them
84. my elbows bend
85. as do my knees
86. my bones
87. my ability to absorb nutrients. I have a friend whose brother couldn’t. stayed the size of a 10 month old, unable to sit up by himself, til he died in his 30’s.
88. taste buds
89. sense of smell
90. my imagination
91. my memory
92. my problem solving abilities
93. my compassion
94. my empathy
95. my sensitivity
96. *****I have nice nails, fingers and toes
97. *****I have great hair. Always did
98. Circulation
99. My healthy liver
100. My healthy kidneys
101. My healthy cervic
102. My heathy vagina
103. My healthy labia
104. My healthy clitoris
105. My healthy rectum.
106. I have never had a dread disease.
Thankful me.

Embarrassing but - what if

What if
I could really care for myself
Then 1. I'd be okay. And might be able to have a good relationship.
And 2. I'd be okay if I didn't.
3. I'd just be ok
4. And better than ok
5. I'd feel better about myself

Will continue doing the things...

Dear God

Please give me strength.
I know the things I have to do.
And I know how fortunate I am.
Thank you for my having learned of the practice of 100 gratitudes a day.
Thank you that I am doing it.
May I today, just do those things I have dreaded and put off for so many months - one day's worth - and do it with grace, dignity, gratitude, and cheer.
Thank you.
And please, please help the 12 year-old boy who was hit by lightning.
And D's and A's faith.
And all those suffering atrocities of assault from without or within.
May we restore mother earth to the garden you gave us.
Amen.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. I am grateful that I visited M yesterday
2. And was there from 4:30 til 8:30
3. And Je was close to me throughout
4. And her little friend A as well
5. And Ji talked with me a lttle bit
6. And seemed more – normal
7. And grown up
8. It gave me hope for her (autism)
9. This________
10. This _________

11. My sexuality
12. This _______

13. ___________

14. get to M’s last night safely
15. the pina colada she gave me
16. and that I only had half
17. because was going to drive
18. and waited hours to drive
19. she made pasta whole grain for me
20. with lots of fresh broccoli
21. and garlic
22. and wolfgang puck basil tomato sauce
23. and iced special seltzer
24. and I leaned on the counter while she cooked
25. and she said, with the girls playing inside, “I hope you don’t mind. I want you to be part of my real family. How I really live. Not formal.”
26. And I said, “But that’s EXACTLY what I want!”
27. And she did the little girls’ nails
28. And I made much over it all the whole time
29. And they were smiling and giggly and happy
30. And we took photos
31. And had such fun
32. And they ate
33. And we sat with them
34. Then we ate
35. Then we watch Willy Wonka with Je cuddled
36. I left after an hour of it
37. And got home safely
38. And it was still light out
39. And M and I spoke this morning and EACH thanked the OTHER
40. Thich Nhat Hanh
41. Mindfulness
42. The book I am going to read today
43. This coming week – yes I’m saying it – I am going to clean THOROUGHLY
44. All week setting things up, cleaning, discarding things, calling people to fix things, and so on
45. And start LIVING in the house I’ve paid so much for (more than money)
46. Good books
47. That I can read
48. Water
49. I took a drive. It was nice. Short. But nice: )
50. I had a really bad week. Broken friendship with O. I think irreparable. She is who she is. And J. may have tricked me a little. May have. And may not. But it made me realize. I have no one I can fully trust. Mother is decrepitating. Forgetting… MA is ill. M is – well – I’m not sure of her forever. I have seen her very close to others before and where it went. J. left me. Every decision I made since 1986 I made as if we were together. And he left. So even marriage isn’t for sure til death in every case. So in a very real way, I am alone. But the gratitude is that - I have survived tragedies in my life, real ones, things I haven’t written on my blog, and I have bounced back. And this morning, I DECIDED. I will again. I will make my life better than it’s ever been. And I ACCEPTED that this is the hand I’ve been dealt right now. I had something to do with it too. But in any event it is what it is. I can only be miserable or happy. I AM CHANGING THINGS. I WILL – not fight – but win – by gentling myself out of this. With all the hard work it takes. And I WILL ENJOY something each day too.
51. That I, even with my frustrations, have not turned like S with his. (The meanest person I know).
52. That I am working on being less judgmental.
53. Noble silence
54. The time I had 4 throat/vocal cord conditions. And had to go two weeks without making one single sound. There were the almost 8 months of making very few, but this was two weeks not one sound. It taught me some things.
55. I am also glad for the memory of it.
56. I am glad for the decision I came to today
57. I am glad for my birdies. I love them.
58. They love each other.
59. The pretty well trust me.
60. They have all their needs met.
61. And no predators.
62. And they bring me joy.
63. So happy I took them into my life for a very life-affirming birthday present to myself.
64. Telling A of my plan, just now
65. Tv working
66. M’s example
67. And even O’s in the one way
68. And Ma’s (mother’s aide) in the one way
69. Happy happy dog times with J
70. And without too
71. Scrabble on computer
72. Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
(Winston Churchill)
73. My fb friend E, who shared this today
74. I can see
75. I can hear
76. Whole grains
77. Vegetables
78. Organic foods
79. Even at my supermarket! Wowie
80. Water
81. Birds freely flying. Makes me so happy. So much they get they now. Hours and hours each day! Yay
82. That I’m not doing political posts or comments on fb
83. The fun time in the city with L the other day
84. Honest people
85. Trustworthy people
86. *****Not being so dependent like I used to be
87. art
88. paintings
89. orgasms
90. hugs
91. kisses
92. hair caresses
93. good hair
94. that I play piano
95. I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. ”Michael Jordan
96. Fb page Romancing Your Soul
97. And the woman Regina who does it
98. Pretty photos
99. Presents from parents who appreciate me
100. Poetry
101. The piano lessons my parents paid for. All those lessons.