Self-Honesty

I have all the conditions for happiness.
I have live, health, friends, my mother, good health care, a rewarding job, a home, birdies, enough money to live. I have Je and Ji who are like nieces to me.
I have had romantic love for most of my adult life.
I have a license, a car, trees, safety.
Beaches and pools and park nearby.
I can walk, and talk, and see.
Actually, much MORE than the conditions needed for happiness.
I have been on four retreats with Thich Nhat Hanh, am Reiki Level II, have 3 degrees, only one of which I had to pay for, play classical piano, and own a lovely upright Petrof piano which I paid for.
I have a cute enough fact, a curvy body, great hair, and access to the best foods and water. Also access to help with my compulsive eating disorder, like OA etc.

I fall.
Perhaps because of childhood damage, i don't believe in myself or whatever.

But greens -
there is no way to describe this so that an "outsider" could really believe it unless they've seen it. But they are medicine to me.
Without them, I fall. Fast. And hard.
With them, I come back. Quickly.

I MUST eat greens.
I MUST eat greens.

And believe.

And keep doing the gratitudes.

And yes. Sometimes I still have to pretend J will come back and love me and be with me again. To get through.
But then I see Randy Travis (we used to listen to him, and we saw him in concert), in the hospital in critical condition at age 54, J's age, and I think: I WANT J. to go for the happiness. WHEREVER he finds it.

And I too.

I fell today, but I did some good things. And I didn't give up. And I am better tonight than I could have been.

And I actually feel a bit better just writing this.

And that's all the truth.