Private

Private.
So why put it on a blog?

Because I need a place where I can be 100% truly myself no matter what.
And friends and relatives won't see (or know it's me).
But YOU will see, whoever YOU are. So I'm not all alone, as in a diary...

Oh God help me. I'm admitting it all on these pages as always.

As I delve in. To the SHIT I've literally been putting off for months
may I say that:

1. MA is facing dreaded tasks daily.
Because of her declining health,
she must get out of that big house so she can move into a place where the things that are so hard for her now are done FOR her.
But to do that, she has to get through tons and mounds and tons and moungs of 40 years of stuff.
And
she does what she can EVERY day.
So far no help. Doesn't want any.
***If she can do that, because in her words, "I have to get rid of this house," then I can do this, because in my words here and now, "I HAVE TO have a home. Particularly the one I've been paying for for almost 3 decades. My teeny little house that needs work. But I have lived both ways here, and clean and in order is about 50 tons better than filthy and smelly and dark and broken things I COULD get fixed if I'd just get off my ass.

and
Last year, about a week before I'm doing this now (good - I didn't say TRYING to do), M had to set up her whole new (rented) little house in a week. She did it. And has paid off painter and handyman. Did kitchen etc. I helped. Je helped. mother helped. D helped. She took help as needed. Since then, lovely home. (But she does keep up daily, AND have help).

2. Every time do a little something, might make it easier to keep going. As I'm finding today.

Back to work.

--Break to say:
If I am the best I can be,
and that means looks and health and job and play AND HOME
I will be better able to attract someone
and better able alone anyway.

Ok back to work again.

Bread to say
--My doctor felt 2 weks ago (he missed last week) that maybe I let all this happen - the filth and falling behind and being overwhelmed.... because my mother always got the MOST attention when pathetic and needy and even ill. and desperate. AND THAT I DON'T NEED TO BE! That those who love and like me, do so because of my assets not my weaknesses.

--And *I* think that staying under the cloud keeps me from having to face my own inner loneliness. Well it doesn't work, but in a way gives me something to always worry about....

AND I am noticing that when I am busy - cleaning even, or practicing of course, ... I am not obsessing.
And it feels good to move.
This is what Kayleigh meant in part, I think.

Ok back to work again.

--Break to say -
These little writing breaks are helping me get and keep going!
Ma - my mother's aide = yet more inspiration. That place was disgusitng. My mother ALWYAS puts everything way. But it was dirty because she tried but couldn;t REALLY clean correctly anymore, and it was stuffy and smelly, and sheets weren't kept up with (laundry). And I saw all that right before her last hospitalization. And the girls - Ma in particular really all her now, have that place immaculate! It smells fresh and clean and aired out eat all times. (not chemically, just clean). The drinking glasses squeak. Bathtub, towels, everything. New things for bed, clothes, sneakers, everything.
If that could be done there, it can be done here.

O, from Russia, also has always had great work ethic. Always neat and almost always clean everything in her place. Even when terrible problems.
And no help.

And on the other hand, is M, who has someone else do it. (But of course she'll empty dishwasher, wash pots when does cook, clean counters, do laundry in between etc. because someone is there about half the week. But a weekly or bi-weekly cleaning lady might not be out of the question for me either....

Hope. There is hope.

back in again... I'm even getting hope for how I can live when the place is clean! Like my iPad and Nook in one place... my few plants doing well...

--

1:31


O is moving right now. And believe me, her busband’s place, into which she is moving, has boxes etc. BEFORE her move. Granted her mom is helping, but still.
I am sure when she is finished it will look and feel like a home. And a clean one, his 2-bedroom apartment.
*I * can do this


1:55
Anyway, it uses calories to clean
I am determined that either I will get a cleaning woman
Or pretend I did, do it myself, and put that money away for future!
Or both
Like one time a month c.l.
One time a mont I do it
And so it gets done twice a month, but 3x a month I can put away as if she came

Omg I feel like one of those people from the Hoarders shows. Truth – it’s not like that, but I’ve begn to believe that maybe it could be. If I don’t get to it now.
And so I say, with shame, but openly, that unlike the past MONTHS
I can eat at the table tonight if I have to.
And – I DO have to.
Just because I’m not comfortable all alone and eating “mindfully” yet, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do what I can.

So I shall eat at the table even if with a magazine or book. Is fine.
And about a million times better than eating with tv, slouched in the dark filthy den on the couch.
Okay.
Sigh.
There.
Good.
Sometning

3:02
I have finished today’s worth.
And the house is airing out.
And I took a bath and am sitting in a skirt and top
Will see therapist.
Then will empty dishwasher and refill it. Yes there was that much.

I have had a good healthy breadkfast and lunch
And will have a good healthy dinner too.

I have had spinach so far today
And will have broccoli later

Thank you, God