Feelings Work

I feel shitty but inside basically ok too able to enjoy some moments calm enough angry at L. and at myself for being too needy inside and for meeting someone else with problems but kind of resigned to this day and whatever FIVE GOOD THINGS ABOUT ME 1. i am the energizer bunny - i've never given up. yet 2. i am smart enough. Thank God for my brain 3. i am funny 4. i am a vegan 5. i am very spiritual

Readings

For Today: Honesty is the best policy. Miguel de Cervantes Have I ever stopped to think that, without honesty, the Serenity Prayer is just words? How can I accept the things I cannot change, without being willing to find out what they are? And if I don’t identify the things I can change, how can I even begin to change them? All of this takes self-honesty, because it is I who will write my inventory, give away a fifth step and take the steps that follow. God grants me the blessings I ask for according to my willingness to be completely honest with myself. For today: What are the defects and burdens I want God to relieve me of? Digging them out is not nearly as painful as letting them fester. Voices of Recovery Those who have studied them carefully have found that these Traditions can be applied effectively to all human relationships, both inside and outside OA 12 & 12 p. 108 I am grateful to the Traditions that keep out groups and OA as a whole functioning in a healthy way, I am also grateful that I can apply these principles to all my relationships, whether anyone else knows about the Traditions or not. It’s amazing how these simple ideas can improve my interactions with others. For example, what relationship can’t be made better if I consider our common welfare and strive for unity? I can place God as the ultimate authority over all my relationships and pray to be a trusted servant, instead of a controller. I can allow others to be autonomous, unless a matter affects our relationship as a whole. Remembering to place principles before personalities helps me in all my relationships and dealings with other people. It is such a relief to simply look at the issue at hand and not get caught up in the personalities involved. In This Moment In This Moment, I don’t have to manage everything. Am I trying to do it all? Am I being a perfectionist and controlling, while doing more than is appropriate? Am I feeling distress because of my behavior? In recovery, I try healthy behavior. This is new and unfamiliar. But with repeated exercise, it becomes easier, I stop trying to manage everything and realize that I am a human being – perfectly human, not a perfect human. It’s a shift in perception. With my Higher Power’s guidance, unmanageability is something I can change. The Language of Letting Go What If? I was talking to a friend one day about something I planned to do. Actually, I was worrying about how one particular person might react to what I intended to do. “What if he doesn’t handle it very well?” I asked. “Then, my friend replied, “you’re going to have to handle it well.” “What if’s” can make us crazy. They put control over our life in someone else’s hands. “What if’s” are a sign that we have reverted to thinking that people have to react in a particular way for us to continue on our course. “What if’s” are also a clue that we may be wondering whether we can trust ourselves and our Higher Power to do what’s best for us. These are shreds of codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, and they signal fear. The reactions, feelings, likes or dislikes of others don’t have to control our behaviors, feelings, and direction. We don’t need to control how others react to our choices. We can trust ourselves, with help from a Higher Power, to handle any outcome – even the most uncomfortable. And, my friend, we can trust ourselves to handle it well. Today, I will not worry about other people’s reactions, or events outside of my control. Instead, I will focus on my reactions. I will handle my life well today and trust that, tomorrow, I can do the same.

Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. For my doctor 2. For the French language 3. That I am a romantic person 4. For modern art 5. For the internet 6. For nature 7. Trees 8. Houseplants 9. Birds 10. Dogs 11. Fresh lakes 12. Hope 13. That I am better than I was when I started this blog. 14. By far. 15. That I’m not giving up. 16. That I even have some happiness now. 17. Skinny Pop popcorn 18. Balducci’s. It’s too expensive but I go there infrequently, have gift cards, and found Skinny Pop popcorn there. 19. My interests. I am SO GLAD I have them. Like French and piano. 20. MA. May I see her soon! 21. Superman picture I just sent to L. 22. Him saying he’ll be strong against S monologuing and J whining constantly 23. They’re coming for Sat eve and Sun 24. I finished the reading assessments part I (now, part II) 25. Music 26. Discs L has made for me 27. That J put in the air conditioners 28. My lawyer 29. Strength. I feel like I don’t have enough! But I’m grateful for the strength I do have. 30. And that maybe it is more than I think. 31. God 32. My sponsor. I love my sponsor. 33. My sponsor said, “There are people who are always nervous. And there are people who have a broader view of life. And they realize that they’re scratching an itch that doesn’t exist.” 34. And I’m glad I asked, “How do you go from a to b?” 35. And Sponsor answered: “Get close to God and say thank you.” 36. And “There were people looking for God. And God found them. 37. “You don’t have to explore the desert. Cause God is everywhere. 38. He comes into your spirit. And the static electricity stops. 39. And it just happens. 40. And that’s the peace and serenity of faith.” 41. “People expend a tremendous amount of energy going around in circles. Some people just stay there. And God comes and puts His arms around you and everything is fine.” 42. “You stop running in circles. And you quiet your mind. And you wait for God to come to you 43. Life is not a frantic search. It’s just a peaceful, sit in a quiet park.” 44. “And how do you get there? You get there by a feeling of gratitude and doing the next right thing.” 45. “It’s just doing the things we’re doing. It’s not doing, you know, something new. It’s doing the same thing that we’re doing. 46. It’s teaching little children 47. It’s helping your mother 48. It’s walking the dog 49. It’s thanking God that you’re able to do this. 50. Being grateful for having 2 Tylenol when you have a toothache. 51. It’s not a great scientific breakthrough. It’s the same old same old. 52. My brain can make me crazy 53. But if I’m slow, then I open up my heart to God and say thank you. I see what life is really like. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s a blessing.” 54. I am so grateful that Sponsor is saying these things right now. SO helpful. 55. “Today’s Thursday. Thursday’s always my long day. And if I think about, ‘Oh I gotta do this, I gotta do this, I gotta do this…’ I’m crazy. But if I, ‘What’s the next thing I have to do? Mm. I have to shower, I…One thing at a time. And before I know it it’s 10:30 I’m back at home at night and everything is done. One step at a time.” 56. And now it’s after work. I am at the Emergency Room with my mother, who was slurring and on the floor. I am grateful that we did get the key. 57. And that the ambulance got here. 58. And that she’s alive. 59. And that I got here. 60. And that J. was helpful. 61. And that I have been calm *enough * to get done the things I have had to get done. 62. And that I am behaving with grace right now. 63. And that I was good to the students today (of course). 64. And that I have my laptop here. 65. And that I am on their wireless internet right now. 66. I cannot reach L and am very pissed about it (I’ll write elsewhere on the blog) but I am grateful for the times he HAS been supportive 67. And the times we have had fun 68. And the times we have had nice sexual experiences. 69. And the laughter we have shared. 70. And the years I had with J. 71. And that I have employment. 72. And that I’m not crying hysterically right now, which I do feel like inside. 73. And that I had a productive day 74. And yesterday too 75. And have yet more ideas how to make my life better. 76. I am grateful that I was honest with my dr. yesterday (duh) 77. And got some of his feelings too 78. And that about my confusions about what to do regarding L, he (dr) said, “The question is, ‘Dating him is supposed to make you happy. If it isn’t, it isn’t right. Is it?’” 79. And I said, “ 90 or more percent.” 80. And in a way, the fact that besides L’s wonderful qualities he’s also kind of screwed up, helps me know that I don’t have to be 100% hooked into him. (Of course I shouldn’t anyway, but I’m still KIND OF new to that thought, and so it almost kind of helps me that like, “Hey, he’s not so perfect anyway.” 81. That at least I DO want to have someone in my life. 82. And that my doctor says he thinks I can have - be with - someone normal 83. That I’ve never been in a concentration camp. 84. Or a prison 85. Or a prisoner of war situation 86. Or an iron lung 87. Or traction 88. My daddy. All the years I DID have with him. 89. And all the years my mom got to be his beloved. 90. Grateful for the very nice nurses and doctor and others here – unlike the fucking 911 operator who actually hung up on me – twice! I’m going to report her ass as soon as I can 91. Upset about no romance in my life last night or today but grateful for all the romance I HAVE had 92. Very very grateful for EJ 93. And Birdie 94. And JJ 95. And that I’m not a criminal 96. And that I opened a bottle of wine last night 97. All by myself just for myself 98. And that it was so smooth, and so mellow 99. And that I slept 100. And had enough coffee for this morning

Feelings Work

I feel: somewhat insecure - did I make a bad joke about B do J and S think L and I cannot have sex am I so fat and poorly dressed But just this very morning and before, I was feeling good about myself I must remember - I cannot make J's depression go away - it is ok that I can't I WANT TO treat L the way I FEEL about him while we're out with them 5 good things about me I appreciate good music I am sexually very responsive I am not entirely selfish I am trustworthy I am pretty I am sophisticated enough I am a real woman that's 7. Yay:)

Affirmations

I am a good person My life is wonderful My future is secure I am a good person My life is wonderful My future is secure I am a good person My life is wonderful My future is secure I am a good person My life is wonderful My future is secure I am a good person My life is wonderful My future is secure

My 100 Gratitudes Today

More, deep, gratitude (s) Than time to write them! I am grateful: 1. L sharing with me last night. 2. And telling me these were things he has never shared with anyone. And by the nature of them, and knowing him, I am sure this is true. I am so honored and grateful that he shared of himself, about all those 20 years, with me. 3. And that I told him so. 4. I am grateful that he just asked to take a peek at these, 5. and that I let him 6. and that he seemed good with it 7. That he knows so very much about music 8. But does NOT make me feel inferior 9. That I am getting in good physical shape for my time with Jo today 10. That on the phone the other night, when I was crying about not wanting to hurt J, L was so: calm, centered, intelligent, caring yet dispassionate in a good way, sensible. Ex. “Your lawyer needs to talk some sense into you.” And “he needs to take care of his own life.” And … … … 11. Shostakovich 12. Dutillieux 13. Vaughn Williams 14. Nielsen 15. Berlioz 16. Bartok 17. I would never have been introduced to these great works if not for L. I am SI grateful that we can enjoy them together. 18. I am so grateful for what L said in bed last night. He was sharing, and we were talking and he was rubbing my tush. My favorite place to be caressed. I used to ask J to do that. He found it a pain and after like twice, decades ago, wouldn’t. I have never asked L. But he does. 19. And when I said to him, “Oh thank you. Thank you.” And, “Oh that’s so nice.” And finally. “Oh that’s heaven. Thank you.” I’m glad I thanked him and said that. 20. And he said – he said – omg he said to me, “Oh, you have brought so much heaven to my life. I owe you. I owe you.” He said that. 21. And again, *he * made *me * coffee this morning. He makes it for me (he doesn’t drink coffee) and *serves * it to me. 22. He has some of the cards I’ve given him, up and around. Wow. 23. And I went around and re-read them this morning, while he was upstairs. So nice. I’m so grateful that they seem to mean something to me. 24. Breathe and be home. The calligraphy Thich Naht Hahn made, and which I bought for L. 25. And how I brought it here from London and gave it to him. 26. And of ALL the pieces, THAT has to be the ONE on which the glass broke on my way home here from London! 27. But L refused to let me have it fixed. He said it is part of its story. 28. And I am sitting here, in his l.r., looking straight ahead at it. 29. And its background is red and it is on off-white parchment, and the ink is back and the frame is back. And what colors are L’s l. r? You guessed it! 30. And that I really was in London. 31. Alone. Oh, I am so grateful for that. 32. The kissing. The kissing this weekend so far. Oh my goodness. 33. His focused brain. 34. I am so grateful that I got here safely.. 35. And that I treated him to the little dinner last night. 36. And to the bottle of wine. 37. And that somehow- somehow – I am NOT overwhelmed with worry about my financial future. SOO grateful for that. 38. And that there are only 4 more weeks of school. 39. And that I’ve signed up for the Lincoln Center summer course! This will inject something new and wonderful into my classroom for next year. 40. And I don’t even have to go into the city to do it! 41. And I don’t even have to pay for it! 42. And – THEY’RE giving ME a few hundred dollars for doing it! 43. I have always – 26 years – been unwilling to put summer days into this, no matter how much it has interested me, and how much I KNEW I would love it, due to the weekend course I took that once. But THIS YEAR, I am looking forward – even though it is 4 days 8:30 – 4! : ) 44. I am grateful that L and I had ANOTHER wonderful day yesterday. We were in Red Bank, New Jersey. 45. And that today promises to be great also. We will be with J and S. 46. The nice glass of wine I had yesterday. Fruity, jammy, yummy. 47. And that I bought a bottle of wine to bring home to my house. 48. This cozy orange blanket I am “wearing” right now. On L’s sofa. 49. Safe trip here. 50. My car. 51. My driving. 52. My sunglasses 53. Talking on phone with S right now, on speaker, with L. 54. Coffee with coconut milk this morning. 55. Photos 56. My iphone 57. Je, at the piano in the class Friday, STANDING while he played, so he could reach the pedal. 58. My blog. 59. The countries from which people are reading my blog. 60. Friends 61. That M is so happy, away with her girls. 62. And I’m glad she and I have been communicating via email. 63. I am grateful for the hfs sandwiches I’ve brought here with me. 64. And the cooked kale with garlic 65. And that L. is eating some right now. 66. I am grateful, so grateful, for the music shares we’ve had this morning. Oh my goodness. 67. And for my hair. Yup. 68. And I do believe I shall be given an incredible orgasm tonight or tomorrow morning. 69. I am so grateful that L’s back is beginning to feel better. 70. And for the summery weather. 71. And that there is no camp at school this summer: I do not have to pack my classroom! 72. Am about to have breakfast. Choices. 73. The vegan restaurant yesterday! 74. I had a DELICIOUS vegan Philly cheese steak! 75. Classical music stations on the radio 76. My piano. 77. That I have been practicing. 78. That I WILL – somehow – play in that concert – uh oh lol 79. Overture to the Barber of Seville – it is on right now. 80. I can hardly believe I will be at the Yo Yo Ma concert so soon! 81. And my pretty feet 82. And pedicure 83. And pink tongs 84. That I am about to have breakfast. Dishes 85. Forks 86. Spoons 87. “Butter” knives 88. That I don’t have to eat butter 89. L’s bed. Mmmmmm. 90. The breeze from the front window right now. 91. That I have another whole night here. 92. The esplanade yesterday. Sitting there together. So romantic.. 93. Walking. I am so grateful for walking. 94. And the nice people we keep meeting. 95. My voice. Oh my, I remember when I didn’t have it. Literally, physically didn’t have it. 96. That THIS is my Sunday morning now! Virtually every week! Compare THAT to a year and two ago. 97. That L. will give me 7 minutes for meditating today – together! 98. That he is so funny to S – he calls it abusive lol– because of S’s political opinions. 99. My eyesight. 100. Positivity 101. Humor. His 102. “The joyfulness of having spent Sat. with L in Red Bank.” That one’s from L.

Affirmations

I choose to breathe deeply. I choose to breathe deeply. I choose to breathe deeply. I choose to breathe deeply. I choose to breathe deeply. From head to toe, I am relaxed. From head to toe, I am relaxed. From head to toe, I am relaxed. From head to toe, I am relaxed. From head to toe, I am relaxed. I am centered. I am centered. I am centered. I am centered. I am centered.