Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. For my doctor 2. For the French language 3. That I am a romantic person 4. For modern art 5. For the internet 6. For nature 7. Trees 8. Houseplants 9. Birds 10. Dogs 11. Fresh lakes 12. Hope 13. That I am better than I was when I started this blog. 14. By far. 15. That I’m not giving up. 16. That I even have some happiness now. 17. Skinny Pop popcorn 18. Balducci’s. It’s too expensive but I go there infrequently, have gift cards, and found Skinny Pop popcorn there. 19. My interests. I am SO GLAD I have them. Like French and piano. 20. MA. May I see her soon! 21. Superman picture I just sent to L. 22. Him saying he’ll be strong against S monologuing and J whining constantly 23. They’re coming for Sat eve and Sun 24. I finished the reading assessments part I (now, part II) 25. Music 26. Discs L has made for me 27. That J put in the air conditioners 28. My lawyer 29. Strength. I feel like I don’t have enough! But I’m grateful for the strength I do have. 30. And that maybe it is more than I think. 31. God 32. My sponsor. I love my sponsor. 33. My sponsor said, “There are people who are always nervous. And there are people who have a broader view of life. And they realize that they’re scratching an itch that doesn’t exist.” 34. And I’m glad I asked, “How do you go from a to b?” 35. And Sponsor answered: “Get close to God and say thank you.” 36. And “There were people looking for God. And God found them. 37. “You don’t have to explore the desert. Cause God is everywhere. 38. He comes into your spirit. And the static electricity stops. 39. And it just happens. 40. And that’s the peace and serenity of faith.” 41. “People expend a tremendous amount of energy going around in circles. Some people just stay there. And God comes and puts His arms around you and everything is fine.” 42. “You stop running in circles. And you quiet your mind. And you wait for God to come to you 43. Life is not a frantic search. It’s just a peaceful, sit in a quiet park.” 44. “And how do you get there? You get there by a feeling of gratitude and doing the next right thing.” 45. “It’s just doing the things we’re doing. It’s not doing, you know, something new. It’s doing the same thing that we’re doing. 46. It’s teaching little children 47. It’s helping your mother 48. It’s walking the dog 49. It’s thanking God that you’re able to do this. 50. Being grateful for having 2 Tylenol when you have a toothache. 51. It’s not a great scientific breakthrough. It’s the same old same old. 52. My brain can make me crazy 53. But if I’m slow, then I open up my heart to God and say thank you. I see what life is really like. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s a blessing.” 54. I am so grateful that Sponsor is saying these things right now. SO helpful. 55. “Today’s Thursday. Thursday’s always my long day. And if I think about, ‘Oh I gotta do this, I gotta do this, I gotta do this…’ I’m crazy. But if I, ‘What’s the next thing I have to do? Mm. I have to shower, I…One thing at a time. And before I know it it’s 10:30 I’m back at home at night and everything is done. One step at a time.” 56. And now it’s after work. I am at the Emergency Room with my mother, who was slurring and on the floor. I am grateful that we did get the key. 57. And that the ambulance got here. 58. And that she’s alive. 59. And that I got here. 60. And that J. was helpful. 61. And that I have been calm *enough * to get done the things I have had to get done. 62. And that I am behaving with grace right now. 63. And that I was good to the students today (of course). 64. And that I have my laptop here. 65. And that I am on their wireless internet right now. 66. I cannot reach L and am very pissed about it (I’ll write elsewhere on the blog) but I am grateful for the times he HAS been supportive 67. And the times we have had fun 68. And the times we have had nice sexual experiences. 69. And the laughter we have shared. 70. And the years I had with J. 71. And that I have employment. 72. And that I’m not crying hysterically right now, which I do feel like inside. 73. And that I had a productive day 74. And yesterday too 75. And have yet more ideas how to make my life better. 76. I am grateful that I was honest with my dr. yesterday (duh) 77. And got some of his feelings too 78. And that about my confusions about what to do regarding L, he (dr) said, “The question is, ‘Dating him is supposed to make you happy. If it isn’t, it isn’t right. Is it?’” 79. And I said, “ 90 or more percent.” 80. And in a way, the fact that besides L’s wonderful qualities he’s also kind of screwed up, helps me know that I don’t have to be 100% hooked into him. (Of course I shouldn’t anyway, but I’m still KIND OF new to that thought, and so it almost kind of helps me that like, “Hey, he’s not so perfect anyway.” 81. That at least I DO want to have someone in my life. 82. And that my doctor says he thinks I can have - be with - someone normal 83. That I’ve never been in a concentration camp. 84. Or a prison 85. Or a prisoner of war situation 86. Or an iron lung 87. Or traction 88. My daddy. All the years I DID have with him. 89. And all the years my mom got to be his beloved. 90. Grateful for the very nice nurses and doctor and others here – unlike the fucking 911 operator who actually hung up on me – twice! I’m going to report her ass as soon as I can 91. Upset about no romance in my life last night or today but grateful for all the romance I HAVE had 92. Very very grateful for EJ 93. And Birdie 94. And JJ 95. And that I’m not a criminal 96. And that I opened a bottle of wine last night 97. All by myself just for myself 98. And that it was so smooth, and so mellow 99. And that I slept 100. And had enough coffee for this morning