comfort level
pining and needing someone who can't be fully there?
because of the way i grew up with my mother.
tonight in theater with M sitting there just me and my female friend, i felt
relieved to not have to ever sit in the theater feeling will he put his arm around me or lean in or hold my hand
as i did with j for a long time toward the end
i was also aware that
despite the years of AMAZING fun and talks and support and sex and great days and night,
we also had major issues
at various time and sometime overlapping,
my husband, i must admit had the following
cheating got bj from hooker and syphllis
lied about money )little bit, and toward end)
drugs
beat me
no hygiene
no job
so why do i so desperately want him back
yes i love his nobiity
and that he got over all those problems
and his looks and sex and our chemistry
and our shared history even when little
and value systems
but still!
just TONIGHT i was thinking of begging him to come her efor 6 months so i could pull myself together in life
wtf?
infucingsainity!!!!!!
but i KNOW that
and THAT'S good
Saturday, July 13, 2013
My 100 Gratitudes
I am grateful:
(I don't know why some of the photos - which I did twice - didn't come out - and am too tired to fix - and that's ok:)
1. From fb page The Indomitable Magnolia: Breathe in, *sigh* breath out. In with life and out with doubt. Breathe in, *sigh* breath out… Feel the tingle of life as you along your next bout. Breathe in, hold it, feel the oxygen move from your lungs to the very tips of your toes. Let it out slow, expel all of those thoughts that you are not good enough, that you fail, that you are broken and worthless and of no use to this world. Breathe in slowly, feed that hope that was starting to deflate, stoke your fire to a high heat flame. Exhale all of those seditions undermining thoughts, the ones that chip away slowly at your heart and esteem. … NOW open your eyes, take in the color, the sights, the smells and feelings. The sky may be the deepest azure blue or the darkest of grays, it may be cloudless or shrouded, but this moment, this day, IT is yours. It is yours to hold and keep and realize every dream that you keep deep in your heart. This day is yours, take it, seize it, caress it, love it…
I smile…__________
2. This. _______
3. This pic. What inspiration! His body. AND – he has aged 17 years and gotten handsome from ugly imo! Wow! AND my fb friend who wrote, “I was almost about to start exercising, but now I know that it is ok to wait until age 57. Phew! :))” Ha! (oops - seem to have lost pic)
4. This. I am putting it here for you if you are reading this. I wish I had known it years ago. But I am grateful to share it if it can help someone else! _______
5. Reminds me to, to get outside in the mornings. Even if just to step out onto the grass. Tomorrow morning I shall do so. Barefoot. Really. This touches something deep within me. I am so grateful to see and read it. In 7th grade, I would spend so much time at the library reading native poetry. Loved it so much. Cannot seem to find that type lately. Only finding darker. Here is this one: Elder's Wisdom
Each soul must meet the morning sun, the new, sweet earth, and the great silence alone.
~ Charles Alexander Eastman, Ohiyesa Santee Sioux
Each morning a new sun for a new day arises. Each morning the sweet perfume from the Mother Earth spreads across the land. This combination of sun, earth, smell and quiet is a magic door for me to enter to kneel before the Grandfathers. The sacred time to commune with the Great Spirit.
Oh Great Spirit, I humbly stand before You along with the new sun, the Mother Earth and the smells of the morning. I ask You to direct my thinking today. Let me live in the silence. Teach me Your wisdom, Teach me to love my brothers and sisters. Let me respect the things You have made.
Art © Wabimeguil (Betty Albert-Lincez) _______
6. This. And I’ll add, “Or to do.” ________
7. I did not go and get the ice cream (non-vegan!) I wanted last night! I ate healthily instead.
8. Had a thing with A but we worked it out
9. Nice talk with M
10. Expecting one soon with MA too
11. I did not go to get bad things and overeat today. Played piano and got busy instead.
12. I wrote the 100 grats of things better since J was here! Wowie!
13. AND – that helped my mood – a lot!
14. Am enjoying this day yay. A day IS to be enjoyed, imo.
15. Nature.
16. And my intention to be in it more. Starting to-very-morrow!
17. From fb site Abuse No More (wow! I needed THIS):
There's no question that breakups can be painful, and that it's difficult to trust and love again. But there are ways to get past the pain. Here is some of Dr. Phil's advice for healing the heartbreak:
In time, it is absolutely vital to put the pain behind you and move forward with your life and love. Otherwise, you are giving away your power to the people who hurt you.
Sometimes the relationship you need to rescue is the one with yourself. Moving past a breakup is about you, not your ex.
Don't start thinking about being friends right away — if ever. You have to be your own friend first.
Grief is a process to go through, not a destination in which to wallow. In a process, you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and each little step is part of your healing.
Define your real intentions. Are you trying to move past the breakup, or are you hoping to get back with your ex? You won't move on until you've accepted that the relationship is over.
Be careful about the language you use. When you use catastrophic terms like "nightmare," "terrible," and "horrible," you're bound to spend time dwelling on the negative. Focus on what you can do.
Sometimes you can't get over being hurt until you know you've been heard. Give yourself permission to express your anger and sadness.
Don't embarrass yourself or put yourself in a situation where you'll look back and feel humiliated. Driving past your ex's house, making dozens of phone calls or e-mailing non-stop is no way to let go of the past or come out with your head high.
Learn to trust again. Whenever you get involved in a relationship, you know there's a risk. Don't let a bad experience keep you from living your life to the fullest. You can go through life suspicious, or loving and laughing.
18. This _______
19. This _______
20. I just love this photo ______
21. I got myself, through PANIC to the lawyer.
22. Took 3 x longer than should. One –parkway closed. Next entrance no. Then got off wrong place. Wound up in I –don’t-even-know-what-city-or-town…. BUT – GOT THERE.
23. Did NOT give up.
24. And did NOT – although deep desire to – did NOT call J!
25. Am getting GPS this weekend!
26. I faced the scary stuff. Again.
27. J is coming tomorrow to help with it more
28. And I will go to the bank Monday morning and face that too.
29. And then back to the lawyer to drop off the stuff.
30. Two men – one online seems nice enough and one in person who IS nice enough – might want to date me, it seems. I am NOT looking for a “boyfriend” and CERTAINLY not a husband! And not ready anyway for a “relationship.” But
31. Birdies don’t know it yet – shh – but – they’re having their wings clipped Sunday. Yes they are. This will be in their best interest because I will then train them. So if/when any emergency – like I had last year with COLD DARK HOUSE FOR FIVE DAYS(!) (Superstorm Sandy); and for vet visits; and for their fun making a friend in my; and in case of other emergencies (like when I had to grab dog and bird and run iat 4am during earthquake) I can get them into a carrying cage and get them out!
32. I will not live in fear. But I will do one quick thing for preparation – put the extra food source and bottle of water, with carrying cage, someplace easy to grab. And then I can let that thought go entirely. And just have fun fun fund with the birdy boys.
33. I stopped at my hfs which I love so much.
34. And am having a great delicious and healthy sandwich right now.
35. And with have collards with supper!
36. AT. THE. TABLE.
37. This_________
38. I just love this pic: Art © Pamela Matthews ________
39. Nice chat with M on phone just now.
40. And more coming.
41. Flirting is fun
42. Being out is fun
43. Having cleaner rooms little by little is wonderful
44. Chatting with A now. Nice.
45. I will NOT sleep with him. He WILL know that.
46. Taking M and her 2 angels to an outdoor movie soon
47. Tomorrow J comes to help with the mother stuff thank God (and J)
48. Then I go out with M
49. To Costco to finally get a GPS
50. And then a movie and light meal
51. Girls’ time together
52. Summer and Jewel LVOE the basketball toy. I think it’s their favorite (not counting the climby and 5 rings which I virtually don’t rotate out anymore as thye adore those so much)
53. And they seem to love it even more now on the other side!
54. I just bought them 2 new cuttlebones
55. And 3 new toys (for future rotations)
56. I get such happiness out of going there!
57. Peace. EVERYWHERE there is peace.
58. Including in my heart whenever there is.
59. And in my prayers
60. And in my actions whenever there is.
61. This I love it that’s all Artist~Anna Dittmann ________
62. And this_______
63. The chant I heard last night. Wow. It actually gave me the feeling like retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh. Here it is for you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcdI-c-jAWQ
64. Oh my gosh this: ________
65. I keep thinking about freedom. And how very fortunate I am to have it
66. People are coming here tomorrow. To clip the birds’ wings. (So I can train them. Then I’ll let them grow back when can!)
67. I am grateful for God
68. I am grateful for life
69. And for my dear ones singing and chirping and tweeting and playing and flying and so happy
70. Prayer. Ex. I hope I’m doing the right thing for the birdies. I feel I must be. All the books say it. And I cannot get them into a carrying cage if I need to get them out or get them to a vet…
71. The reminder just now on a fb page to “Begin each day with a grateful heart.” It has helped me already!
72. Saturday.
73. “ABUNDANCE
A great or plentiful amount. Fullness to overflowing.
Affluence. Wealth. Degree of plentifulness”. And don’t I really have this, yes.
74. Computer
75. Tv
76. Birds sleeping at night when I’m in here – the innocence – I’m so aare of it
77. I am functional
78. My house is getting cleaner (not magically lol – I am doing it)
79. Coffee date with guy soon
80. This – from Rivers in the Ocean Each of us has the power and responsibility to heal ourselves, to be our own medicine man or woman. Awakening our innate powers of being, loving, knowing, seeing, and healing involves ongoing work at all levels and in all dimensions of our self. Exploring the range of rhythms and emotions, achieving insights into our conditioning and ego, moving through the energy levels of spirit—these are all activities to be integrated into our daily lives.
~Gabrielle Roth
Art © Wabimeguil (Betty Albert-Lincez)________
81. People who work for human rights
82. Nature
83. Ponds
84. Clear water
85. Fishes
86. Swimming
87. Trees
88. "My" oak tree
89. My feet
90. My legs
91. My home
92. Organic frozen veggies in freezer right now
93. And organic fresh kale in fridge right now
94. That my birdy boys love organic kale. It seems to be their favorite food!
95. Millet for them
96. The time I’ll be spending with them for their whole lives
97. Movie tonight with mer
98. Nearby and convenient
99. That I can drive
100. And have a car that runs
(I don't know why some of the photos - which I did twice - didn't come out - and am too tired to fix - and that's ok:)
1. From fb page The Indomitable Magnolia: Breathe in, *sigh* breath out. In with life and out with doubt. Breathe in, *sigh* breath out… Feel the tingle of life as you along your next bout. Breathe in, hold it, feel the oxygen move from your lungs to the very tips of your toes. Let it out slow, expel all of those thoughts that you are not good enough, that you fail, that you are broken and worthless and of no use to this world. Breathe in slowly, feed that hope that was starting to deflate, stoke your fire to a high heat flame. Exhale all of those seditions undermining thoughts, the ones that chip away slowly at your heart and esteem. … NOW open your eyes, take in the color, the sights, the smells and feelings. The sky may be the deepest azure blue or the darkest of grays, it may be cloudless or shrouded, but this moment, this day, IT is yours. It is yours to hold and keep and realize every dream that you keep deep in your heart. This day is yours, take it, seize it, caress it, love it…
I smile…__________
2. This. _______
3. This pic. What inspiration! His body. AND – he has aged 17 years and gotten handsome from ugly imo! Wow! AND my fb friend who wrote, “I was almost about to start exercising, but now I know that it is ok to wait until age 57. Phew! :))” Ha! (oops - seem to have lost pic)
4. This. I am putting it here for you if you are reading this. I wish I had known it years ago. But I am grateful to share it if it can help someone else! _______
5. Reminds me to, to get outside in the mornings. Even if just to step out onto the grass. Tomorrow morning I shall do so. Barefoot. Really. This touches something deep within me. I am so grateful to see and read it. In 7th grade, I would spend so much time at the library reading native poetry. Loved it so much. Cannot seem to find that type lately. Only finding darker. Here is this one: Elder's Wisdom
Each soul must meet the morning sun, the new, sweet earth, and the great silence alone.
~ Charles Alexander Eastman, Ohiyesa Santee Sioux
Each morning a new sun for a new day arises. Each morning the sweet perfume from the Mother Earth spreads across the land. This combination of sun, earth, smell and quiet is a magic door for me to enter to kneel before the Grandfathers. The sacred time to commune with the Great Spirit.
Oh Great Spirit, I humbly stand before You along with the new sun, the Mother Earth and the smells of the morning. I ask You to direct my thinking today. Let me live in the silence. Teach me Your wisdom, Teach me to love my brothers and sisters. Let me respect the things You have made.
Art © Wabimeguil (Betty Albert-Lincez) _______
6. This. And I’ll add, “Or to do.” ________
7. I did not go and get the ice cream (non-vegan!) I wanted last night! I ate healthily instead.
8. Had a thing with A but we worked it out
9. Nice talk with M
10. Expecting one soon with MA too
11. I did not go to get bad things and overeat today. Played piano and got busy instead.
12. I wrote the 100 grats of things better since J was here! Wowie!
13. AND – that helped my mood – a lot!
14. Am enjoying this day yay. A day IS to be enjoyed, imo.
15. Nature.
16. And my intention to be in it more. Starting to-very-morrow!
17. From fb site Abuse No More (wow! I needed THIS):
There's no question that breakups can be painful, and that it's difficult to trust and love again. But there are ways to get past the pain. Here is some of Dr. Phil's advice for healing the heartbreak:
In time, it is absolutely vital to put the pain behind you and move forward with your life and love. Otherwise, you are giving away your power to the people who hurt you.
Sometimes the relationship you need to rescue is the one with yourself. Moving past a breakup is about you, not your ex.
Don't start thinking about being friends right away — if ever. You have to be your own friend first.
Grief is a process to go through, not a destination in which to wallow. In a process, you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and each little step is part of your healing.
Define your real intentions. Are you trying to move past the breakup, or are you hoping to get back with your ex? You won't move on until you've accepted that the relationship is over.
Be careful about the language you use. When you use catastrophic terms like "nightmare," "terrible," and "horrible," you're bound to spend time dwelling on the negative. Focus on what you can do.
Sometimes you can't get over being hurt until you know you've been heard. Give yourself permission to express your anger and sadness.
Don't embarrass yourself or put yourself in a situation where you'll look back and feel humiliated. Driving past your ex's house, making dozens of phone calls or e-mailing non-stop is no way to let go of the past or come out with your head high.
Learn to trust again. Whenever you get involved in a relationship, you know there's a risk. Don't let a bad experience keep you from living your life to the fullest. You can go through life suspicious, or loving and laughing.
18. This _______
19. This _______
20. I just love this photo ______
21. I got myself, through PANIC to the lawyer.
22. Took 3 x longer than should. One –parkway closed. Next entrance no. Then got off wrong place. Wound up in I –don’t-even-know-what-city-or-town…. BUT – GOT THERE.
23. Did NOT give up.
24. And did NOT – although deep desire to – did NOT call J!
25. Am getting GPS this weekend!
26. I faced the scary stuff. Again.
27. J is coming tomorrow to help with it more
28. And I will go to the bank Monday morning and face that too.
29. And then back to the lawyer to drop off the stuff.
30. Two men – one online seems nice enough and one in person who IS nice enough – might want to date me, it seems. I am NOT looking for a “boyfriend” and CERTAINLY not a husband! And not ready anyway for a “relationship.” But
31. Birdies don’t know it yet – shh – but – they’re having their wings clipped Sunday. Yes they are. This will be in their best interest because I will then train them. So if/when any emergency – like I had last year with COLD DARK HOUSE FOR FIVE DAYS(!) (Superstorm Sandy); and for vet visits; and for their fun making a friend in my; and in case of other emergencies (like when I had to grab dog and bird and run iat 4am during earthquake) I can get them into a carrying cage and get them out!
32. I will not live in fear. But I will do one quick thing for preparation – put the extra food source and bottle of water, with carrying cage, someplace easy to grab. And then I can let that thought go entirely. And just have fun fun fund with the birdy boys.
33. I stopped at my hfs which I love so much.
34. And am having a great delicious and healthy sandwich right now.
35. And with have collards with supper!
36. AT. THE. TABLE.
37. This_________
38. I just love this pic: Art © Pamela Matthews ________
39. Nice chat with M on phone just now.
40. And more coming.
41. Flirting is fun
42. Being out is fun
43. Having cleaner rooms little by little is wonderful
44. Chatting with A now. Nice.
45. I will NOT sleep with him. He WILL know that.
46. Taking M and her 2 angels to an outdoor movie soon
47. Tomorrow J comes to help with the mother stuff thank God (and J)
48. Then I go out with M
49. To Costco to finally get a GPS
50. And then a movie and light meal
51. Girls’ time together
52. Summer and Jewel LVOE the basketball toy. I think it’s their favorite (not counting the climby and 5 rings which I virtually don’t rotate out anymore as thye adore those so much)
53. And they seem to love it even more now on the other side!
54. I just bought them 2 new cuttlebones
55. And 3 new toys (for future rotations)
56. I get such happiness out of going there!
57. Peace. EVERYWHERE there is peace.
58. Including in my heart whenever there is.
59. And in my prayers
60. And in my actions whenever there is.
61. This I love it that’s all Artist~Anna Dittmann ________
62. And this_______
63. The chant I heard last night. Wow. It actually gave me the feeling like retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh. Here it is for you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcdI-c-jAWQ
64. Oh my gosh this: ________
65. I keep thinking about freedom. And how very fortunate I am to have it
66. People are coming here tomorrow. To clip the birds’ wings. (So I can train them. Then I’ll let them grow back when can!)
67. I am grateful for God
68. I am grateful for life
69. And for my dear ones singing and chirping and tweeting and playing and flying and so happy
70. Prayer. Ex. I hope I’m doing the right thing for the birdies. I feel I must be. All the books say it. And I cannot get them into a carrying cage if I need to get them out or get them to a vet…
71. The reminder just now on a fb page to “Begin each day with a grateful heart.” It has helped me already!
72. Saturday.
73. “ABUNDANCE
A great or plentiful amount. Fullness to overflowing.
Affluence. Wealth. Degree of plentifulness”. And don’t I really have this, yes.
74. Computer
75. Tv
76. Birds sleeping at night when I’m in here – the innocence – I’m so aare of it
77. I am functional
78. My house is getting cleaner (not magically lol – I am doing it)
79. Coffee date with guy soon
80. This – from Rivers in the Ocean Each of us has the power and responsibility to heal ourselves, to be our own medicine man or woman. Awakening our innate powers of being, loving, knowing, seeing, and healing involves ongoing work at all levels and in all dimensions of our self. Exploring the range of rhythms and emotions, achieving insights into our conditioning and ego, moving through the energy levels of spirit—these are all activities to be integrated into our daily lives.
~Gabrielle Roth
Art © Wabimeguil (Betty Albert-Lincez)________
81. People who work for human rights
82. Nature
83. Ponds
84. Clear water
85. Fishes
86. Swimming
87. Trees
88. "My" oak tree
89. My feet
90. My legs
91. My home
92. Organic frozen veggies in freezer right now
93. And organic fresh kale in fridge right now
94. That my birdy boys love organic kale. It seems to be their favorite food!
95. Millet for them
96. The time I’ll be spending with them for their whole lives
97. Movie tonight with mer
98. Nearby and convenient
99. That I can drive
100. And have a car that runs
Friday, July 12, 2013
My Boys Playing, Exploring, and Bathing in July
And even though the door is almost always open when I'm here, they sometimes go into cage and sing and play:)
I love my boys! xoxo Summer and Jewel
I love my boys! xoxo Summer and Jewel
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I Just Did and I Now Feel
I just did more cleaning
And
I now feel
FEEL this:
That I deserve to be loved.
For me.
For who I am.
And
I don't need to be with someone who doesn't want me.
*I* think I have a lot of very nice qualities.
Maybe I AM weird and more men won't like me than will.
Oh well
Oh well
because
the OTHER thing I realize now, and FEEL - is 8I8 like and love me.
Omg wow.
And
I now feel
FEEL this:
That I deserve to be loved.
For me.
For who I am.
And
I don't need to be with someone who doesn't want me.
*I* think I have a lot of very nice qualities.
Maybe I AM weird and more men won't like me than will.
Oh well
Oh well
because
the OTHER thing I realize now, and FEEL - is 8I8 like and love me.
Omg wow.
TODAY'S GRATS ARE: 100 Things That Are BETTER than the day(s) BEFORE J. LEFT!
100 Things That Are BETTER than the day BEFORE J. LEFT!
Little and big, in no particular order
*None of this takes away from the many very wonderful things J did, and how much I would love to be with him. It is not ABOUT “against-him.” It is ABOUT ‘for me.” !
1. I CAN add hot pepper to my food while cooking, without thinking about HIM.
2. I can eat at the table without feeling he is forcing himself. Or worrying about conversation.
3. I can practice piano ALL I WANT. Not that he wasn’t nice about it – he was – but *I * felt funny. I mean, I certainly never spent hours and hours…
4. I can have sex. If I want. Because we weren’t at the end. And him waking me for it on a work night at 3 am wasn’t working.
5. I do not have to have violent shows on the only tv
6. I don’t get yelled at because the Sleep Number bed is broken and I’m getting told I get up in my sleep and lower it! Oy!
7. I can decorate however the fuck I please
8. I can call a handyman. Haven’t yet but really think will soon. To do the things J. was always supposed to do and “gonna” do. And just get them the fuck done. Trust is, I could have then, but, I felt like it would hurt him. And often he said it would… Was complicated.
9. I don’t have to worry that I don’t look sexy for J. (1 – I didn’t have to then either – no one can make you worry – but I did. And 2 – I still do now, but shouldn’t. DEFINITELY don’t HAVE TO)
10. I can watch repeat sitcoms if I feel like without it bothering someone else. Again, he never yelled or told me not to, but it bugged him.
11. *****I have grown more whole.
12. *****I have grown more real.
13. *****I have grown more honest and therefor close to M.
14. and more – positive way close to MA
15. And dumped O (unless she changes her fucking tune). AND FEEL OK ABOUT IT!
16. I am MUCH more selective about how I will allow myself to be treated
17. I can choose to – break my veganism, change my name, shave my head, whatever(!) and not worry about what he thinks of me
18. *****I have been to London!!!!!!
19. And I did it BY MYSELF
20. And I LOVED it!
21. I have made new friends
22. I had a few monhts of nice relationship with L
23. And friends out there
24. I have gone on fb
25. And Liked near 150 pages
26. So get positives every day
27. I have the birdies!!!
28. And they are such joy!
29. And having them MAKES me ive to others
30. And yet they are much less work than a dog
31. And it turns out I am NOT allergic to them!
32. No one Is watching what I spend. ***He never tried to stop me! Was always TOTALLY supportive. But now no one is watching: )
33. I do my own drops and meds
34. I am able to still save electricity and food money as he taught me
35. I have played in a piano recital! For the first time in 40 years!
36. And a second one! Second time in 41 years!
37. I have learned how important it is to eat my greens and been doing it more
38. I have learned that I do live. Without J. Like the life or not. But live. Did not die. Did not get annihilated.
39. I still keep my job.
40. And do it well.
41. And even did some packing.
42. I can save and go away again if I want (and really work hard at the saving)
43. I can sleep over a girlfriend’s if I want
44. I can stay in a nightgown all day.
45. I have been to the city a lot
46. And to the independent film houses
47. And finally ate at Blossom
48. And Candle 79
49. And although I miss her so, my little allergen (dog) is nt around
50. I have not been phobic in tunnels a number of times (every time I’ve been in since then) like I had been
51. Or on bridges either
52. Or in SUBWAYS! Wow!
53. Or on plane
54. Or on tube (London’s subway)
55. I arranged hotel for self
56. And tour to Windsor and Bath and Stonehenge
57. And flights
58. I sat with Thich Nhat Hanh. Turns out didn’t need J to do that, after all
59. I have even cleaned sometimes
60. And even gotten the fucking dreaded garbage out
61. I manage to have clean laundry
62. And to brush my teeth
63. And change some light bulbs
64. I bought pillows and lamps
65. I rearranged paintings
66. And rug – and had to move furniture to do it
67. I have someone cleaning up the outside regularly
68. And the snow too
69. I got through TWO HURRICANES! WITHOUT J!
70. I got outdoor furniture (finally).
71. And got it put away (haven’t gotten it taken out this year, but still)
72. I now have an iPhone
73. And a new laptop (less than 1 year old)
74. And an iPad
75. And an iPod. I had none of these before
76. I take bubble baths sometimes. Not as escape from his down ness. As good things
77. I don’t need to go to the bathroom for privacy and reading time
78. I can even have QUIET in the house when I want. Not always music or tv
79. I have now a little stereo. No big deal like the old one, but it works for me. And it is mine. And I paid for it. L picked it out, and I am going to have a handyman take care of the wires situation.
80. I am reading again. Finally.
81. Have had some deep breaths
82. Have grown closer and more honest with my mother
83. Managed her hospitals and nursing homes and walker and visits
84. I now have a Nook
85. I have learned more about how to use the SmartBoard
86. I have played on a 9 ft. Busendorfer piano
87. I play piano better than EVER before.
88. I have taken car services by muyself
89. And Express busses by myself
90. I have driven myself everywhere J used to drive me. And more.
91. I have shopped for my own clothes even without a girlfriend
92. I have done my mother’s grocery shopping. Consistently. Never had before. Dreaded it in beginning. It brought me such sadness taking her. Such a reminder that no more J. But then I got used to it and was fine! Really was!
93. I had two different period of time – one long- when I actually felt – for the first time since 1986 (!) that I’d RATHER not be with J! Omg wow!
94. I have found that meditating in M’s classroom in mornings is good. (I hate to mediate alone still)
95. I have done Reiki on two other people
96. And myself cleanly too. (Clean of connections with J)
97. I have taken care of credit card fraud without his help.
98. And finally been paying my own bills
99. And been paying my mother’s too
100. I have hope. For MYSELF!
Little and big, in no particular order
*None of this takes away from the many very wonderful things J did, and how much I would love to be with him. It is not ABOUT “against-him.” It is ABOUT ‘for me.” !
1. I CAN add hot pepper to my food while cooking, without thinking about HIM.
2. I can eat at the table without feeling he is forcing himself. Or worrying about conversation.
3. I can practice piano ALL I WANT. Not that he wasn’t nice about it – he was – but *I * felt funny. I mean, I certainly never spent hours and hours…
4. I can have sex. If I want. Because we weren’t at the end. And him waking me for it on a work night at 3 am wasn’t working.
5. I do not have to have violent shows on the only tv
6. I don’t get yelled at because the Sleep Number bed is broken and I’m getting told I get up in my sleep and lower it! Oy!
7. I can decorate however the fuck I please
8. I can call a handyman. Haven’t yet but really think will soon. To do the things J. was always supposed to do and “gonna” do. And just get them the fuck done. Trust is, I could have then, but, I felt like it would hurt him. And often he said it would… Was complicated.
9. I don’t have to worry that I don’t look sexy for J. (1 – I didn’t have to then either – no one can make you worry – but I did. And 2 – I still do now, but shouldn’t. DEFINITELY don’t HAVE TO)
10. I can watch repeat sitcoms if I feel like without it bothering someone else. Again, he never yelled or told me not to, but it bugged him.
11. *****I have grown more whole.
12. *****I have grown more real.
13. *****I have grown more honest and therefor close to M.
14. and more – positive way close to MA
15. And dumped O (unless she changes her fucking tune). AND FEEL OK ABOUT IT!
16. I am MUCH more selective about how I will allow myself to be treated
17. I can choose to – break my veganism, change my name, shave my head, whatever(!) and not worry about what he thinks of me
18. *****I have been to London!!!!!!
19. And I did it BY MYSELF
20. And I LOVED it!
21. I have made new friends
22. I had a few monhts of nice relationship with L
23. And friends out there
24. I have gone on fb
25. And Liked near 150 pages
26. So get positives every day
27. I have the birdies!!!
28. And they are such joy!
29. And having them MAKES me ive to others
30. And yet they are much less work than a dog
31. And it turns out I am NOT allergic to them!
32. No one Is watching what I spend. ***He never tried to stop me! Was always TOTALLY supportive. But now no one is watching: )
33. I do my own drops and meds
34. I am able to still save electricity and food money as he taught me
35. I have played in a piano recital! For the first time in 40 years!
36. And a second one! Second time in 41 years!
37. I have learned how important it is to eat my greens and been doing it more
38. I have learned that I do live. Without J. Like the life or not. But live. Did not die. Did not get annihilated.
39. I still keep my job.
40. And do it well.
41. And even did some packing.
42. I can save and go away again if I want (and really work hard at the saving)
43. I can sleep over a girlfriend’s if I want
44. I can stay in a nightgown all day.
45. I have been to the city a lot
46. And to the independent film houses
47. And finally ate at Blossom
48. And Candle 79
49. And although I miss her so, my little allergen (dog) is nt around
50. I have not been phobic in tunnels a number of times (every time I’ve been in since then) like I had been
51. Or on bridges either
52. Or in SUBWAYS! Wow!
53. Or on plane
54. Or on tube (London’s subway)
55. I arranged hotel for self
56. And tour to Windsor and Bath and Stonehenge
57. And flights
58. I sat with Thich Nhat Hanh. Turns out didn’t need J to do that, after all
59. I have even cleaned sometimes
60. And even gotten the fucking dreaded garbage out
61. I manage to have clean laundry
62. And to brush my teeth
63. And change some light bulbs
64. I bought pillows and lamps
65. I rearranged paintings
66. And rug – and had to move furniture to do it
67. I have someone cleaning up the outside regularly
68. And the snow too
69. I got through TWO HURRICANES! WITHOUT J!
70. I got outdoor furniture (finally).
71. And got it put away (haven’t gotten it taken out this year, but still)
72. I now have an iPhone
73. And a new laptop (less than 1 year old)
74. And an iPad
75. And an iPod. I had none of these before
76. I take bubble baths sometimes. Not as escape from his down ness. As good things
77. I don’t need to go to the bathroom for privacy and reading time
78. I can even have QUIET in the house when I want. Not always music or tv
79. I have now a little stereo. No big deal like the old one, but it works for me. And it is mine. And I paid for it. L picked it out, and I am going to have a handyman take care of the wires situation.
80. I am reading again. Finally.
81. Have had some deep breaths
82. Have grown closer and more honest with my mother
83. Managed her hospitals and nursing homes and walker and visits
84. I now have a Nook
85. I have learned more about how to use the SmartBoard
86. I have played on a 9 ft. Busendorfer piano
87. I play piano better than EVER before.
88. I have taken car services by muyself
89. And Express busses by myself
90. I have driven myself everywhere J used to drive me. And more.
91. I have shopped for my own clothes even without a girlfriend
92. I have done my mother’s grocery shopping. Consistently. Never had before. Dreaded it in beginning. It brought me such sadness taking her. Such a reminder that no more J. But then I got used to it and was fine! Really was!
93. I had two different period of time – one long- when I actually felt – for the first time since 1986 (!) that I’d RATHER not be with J! Omg wow!
94. I have found that meditating in M’s classroom in mornings is good. (I hate to mediate alone still)
95. I have done Reiki on two other people
96. And myself cleanly too. (Clean of connections with J)
97. I have taken care of credit card fraud without his help.
98. And finally been paying my own bills
99. And been paying my mother’s too
100. I have hope. For MYSELF!
My Great Yummy Health Pasta for SELF!
My Great Yummy Health Pasta for SELF!
From June 10, 2013. The first day I ate dinner at the table alone since before J left.
Boil water for pasta
Throw small bag of organic broccoli florets in for 5 minutes
Meanwhile, in large pan, put organice olive oil and Earth Balance
And hot pepper flakes
Add drained can of organic cut green beans
And jar of organic garlic sauce
While pasta cooking (see below) add 1 package of Punjab Eggplant. Yup. Really.
Add a little less than half a bag of frozen artichoke hearts to the broccoli water
And whole grain angel hair pasta
Cook – 4 minutes or so – test
Take a custard cup of the pasta water near very end, and add to sauce mixture in pan
Drain pasta and broccoli.
Put back in pot.
Cook for a minute or two, tossing.
Enjoy!
*Sit at table. Set it nicely. Eat slowly and savor it. It is good for you, and surprisingly delicious blend of colors, textures, and flavors. And very filling!
I Know Everyone Else Knows This But
I have really had to learn it the hard and takes-a-long-time way.
The putting off of things causes an amazing amount of anxiety for me.
I intend to stop doing it.
That's all.
The putting off of things causes an amazing amount of anxiety for me.
I intend to stop doing it.
That's all.
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