comfort level
pining and needing someone who can't be fully there?
because of the way i grew up with my mother.
tonight in theater with M sitting there just me and my female friend, i felt
relieved to not have to ever sit in the theater feeling will he put his arm around me or lean in or hold my hand
as i did with j for a long time toward the end
i was also aware that
despite the years of AMAZING fun and talks and support and sex and great days and night,
we also had major issues
at various time and sometime overlapping,
my husband, i must admit had the following
cheating got bj from hooker and syphllis
lied about money )little bit, and toward end)
drugs
beat me
no hygiene
no job
so why do i so desperately want him back
yes i love his nobiity
and that he got over all those problems
and his looks and sex and our chemistry
and our shared history even when little
and value systems
but still!
just TONIGHT i was thinking of begging him to come her efor 6 months so i could pull myself together in life
wtf?
infucingsainity!!!!!!
but i KNOW that
and THAT'S good
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