TODAY'S GRATS ARE: 100 Things That Are BETTER than the day(s) BEFORE J. LEFT!

100 Things That Are BETTER than the day BEFORE J. LEFT!
Little and big, in no particular order

*None of this takes away from the many very wonderful things J did, and how much I would love to be with him. It is not ABOUT “against-him.” It is ABOUT ‘for me.” !

1. I CAN add hot pepper to my food while cooking, without thinking about HIM.
2. I can eat at the table without feeling he is forcing himself. Or worrying about conversation.
3. I can practice piano ALL I WANT. Not that he wasn’t nice about it – he was – but *I * felt funny. I mean, I certainly never spent hours and hours…
4. I can have sex. If I want. Because we weren’t at the end. And him waking me for it on a work night at 3 am wasn’t working.
5. I do not have to have violent shows on the only tv
6. I don’t get yelled at because the Sleep Number bed is broken and I’m getting told I get up in my sleep and lower it! Oy!
7. I can decorate however the fuck I please
8. I can call a handyman. Haven’t yet but really think will soon. To do the things J. was always supposed to do and “gonna” do. And just get them the fuck done. Trust is, I could have then, but, I felt like it would hurt him. And often he said it would… Was complicated.
9. I don’t have to worry that I don’t look sexy for J. (1 – I didn’t have to then either – no one can make you worry – but I did. And 2 – I still do now, but shouldn’t. DEFINITELY don’t HAVE TO)
10. I can watch repeat sitcoms if I feel like without it bothering someone else. Again, he never yelled or told me not to, but it bugged him.
11. *****I have grown more whole.
12. *****I have grown more real.
13. *****I have grown more honest and therefor close to M.
14. and more – positive way close to MA
15. And dumped O (unless she changes her fucking tune). AND FEEL OK ABOUT IT!
16. I am MUCH more selective about how I will allow myself to be treated
17. I can choose to – break my veganism, change my name, shave my head, whatever(!) and not worry about what he thinks of me
18. *****I have been to London!!!!!!
19. And I did it BY MYSELF
20. And I LOVED it!
21. I have made new friends
22. I had a few monhts of nice relationship with L
23. And friends out there
24. I have gone on fb
25. And Liked near 150 pages
26. So get positives every day
27. I have the birdies!!!
28. And they are such joy!
29. And having them MAKES me ive to others
30. And yet they are much less work than a dog
31. And it turns out I am NOT allergic to them!
32. No one Is watching what I spend. ***He never tried to stop me! Was always TOTALLY supportive. But now no one is watching: )
33. I do my own drops and meds
34. I am able to still save electricity and food money as he taught me
35. I have played in a piano recital! For the first time in 40 years!
36. And a second one! Second time in 41 years!
37. I have learned how important it is to eat my greens and been doing it more
38. I have learned that I do live. Without J. Like the life or not. But live. Did not die. Did not get annihilated.
39. I still keep my job.
40. And do it well.
41. And even did some packing.
42. I can save and go away again if I want (and really work hard at the saving)
43. I can sleep over a girlfriend’s if I want
44. I can stay in a nightgown all day.
45. I have been to the city a lot
46. And to the independent film houses
47. And finally ate at Blossom
48. And Candle 79
49. And although I miss her so, my little allergen (dog) is nt around
50. I have not been phobic in tunnels a number of times (every time I’ve been in since then) like I had been
51. Or on bridges either
52. Or in SUBWAYS! Wow!
53. Or on plane
54. Or on tube (London’s subway)
55. I arranged hotel for self
56. And tour to Windsor and Bath and Stonehenge
57. And flights
58. I sat with Thich Nhat Hanh. Turns out didn’t need J to do that, after all
59. I have even cleaned sometimes
60. And even gotten the fucking dreaded garbage out
61. I manage to have clean laundry
62. And to brush my teeth
63. And change some light bulbs
64. I bought pillows and lamps
65. I rearranged paintings
66. And rug – and had to move furniture to do it
67. I have someone cleaning up the outside regularly
68. And the snow too
69. I got through TWO HURRICANES! WITHOUT J!
70. I got outdoor furniture (finally).
71. And got it put away (haven’t gotten it taken out this year, but still)
72. I now have an iPhone
73. And a new laptop (less than 1 year old)
74. And an iPad
75. And an iPod. I had none of these before
76. I take bubble baths sometimes. Not as escape from his down ness. As good things
77. I don’t need to go to the bathroom for privacy and reading time
78. I can even have QUIET in the house when I want. Not always music or tv
79. I have now a little stereo. No big deal like the old one, but it works for me. And it is mine. And I paid for it. L picked it out, and I am going to have a handyman take care of the wires situation.
80. I am reading again. Finally.
81. Have had some deep breaths
82. Have grown closer and more honest with my mother
83. Managed her hospitals and nursing homes and walker and visits
84. I now have a Nook
85. I have learned more about how to use the SmartBoard
86. I have played on a 9 ft. Busendorfer piano
87. I play piano better than EVER before.
88. I have taken car services by muyself
89. And Express busses by myself
90. I have driven myself everywhere J used to drive me. And more.
91. I have shopped for my own clothes even without a girlfriend
92. I have done my mother’s grocery shopping. Consistently. Never had before. Dreaded it in beginning. It brought me such sadness taking her. Such a reminder that no more J. But then I got used to it and was fine! Really was!
93. I had two different period of time – one long- when I actually felt – for the first time since 1986 (!) that I’d RATHER not be with J! Omg wow!
94. I have found that meditating in M’s classroom in mornings is good. (I hate to mediate alone still)
95. I have done Reiki on two other people
96. And myself cleanly too. (Clean of connections with J)
97. I have taken care of credit card fraud without his help.
98. And finally been paying my own bills
99. And been paying my mother’s too
100. I have hope. For MYSELF!