My One Hundred Gratitudes Today (and yesterday - oops:)

I am grateful: Uh oh. Grats. Must do grats. Hard hard hard. There are many things for which I am grateful. Must tell self: don’t’ JUDGE them, just DO them I am grateful: 1. I have both my hands 2. I can see 3. I have a couch I’m on right now 4. I have tv 5. I have electricity 6. I have talked with MA, 7. M, 8. O, and 9. Jn today. 10. And texted with S. That’s all different than alone. 11. I have had nice times with L. 12. Texting 13. Cell pones 14. St 15. Making list of friends right now. And on it I have: Close = MA, M, O, St. 16. Light: ML, S, K, Ma? 17. Maybe temporary: S, Jo, J, my mother (because age and illness) 18. That I can speak 19. That I can breathe 20. That I have the eye drops I need 21. I even have some wine here; that’s a luxury for me. 22. That I am every trying to be a better and better person. 23. That I keep trying to do the next right thing. Including yesterday. Including today. 24. That I am able to have orgasms. 25. That I REMEMBER being sure I could never kiss again as the very thought of it was vomitous. But I could and I did and I loved it! 26. So maybe although I feel I can never trust 27. That now, at 10:43 pm, I have told him in an email that I shall never speak to him again. And I shan’t. I have found out still more. 28. That O loves me and M does too and J used to and I should be ok 29. God made me 30. God loves me 31. I am alive 32. Where there is life, there is hope. Right? Right? 33. Monday now. I am grateful that I am not angry anymore. 34. Nor devastated. 35. Grateful for the readings 36. And that I can see straight after only 3 hours of lying down with eyes closed – some of it sleeping – on sofa in den with tv on, not even in the bed 37. I shall eat green veggies at dinner, in a soupy thing with protein too 38. I shall sleep from very early tonight 39. That although I must stay broken up with L, I have become calm and kind about it. 40. And so has he. 41. Phew. The TWO strong breaths that came to me while writing those last two. 42. No after-school meeting today. Phew. 43. My heated mattress pad. 44. The kisses of L’s I’ve enjoyed! 45. That I don’t say that with a touch of sadness, and I don’t know why I don’t, but I’m glad for it! 46. That I can knit 47. That I have a car 48. And gas in it for today’s trip to work and back (and beyond). 49. That I have been loved by men, in my life ( I think lol). 50. My body. It works for me. 51. AND is pretty. 52. Music 53. Walking. 54. My hair 55. My skin 56. Electricity 57. No snow today. (Must find car scrapy thing for tomorrow!). 58. That I’m okay. SO grateful that I’m okay. 59. JJ 60. Vegan restaurants 61. And that I’ve been to some. 62. That I shall even send L the two little gifts I’ve already bought him for Christmas. 63. Or – wait – maybe I shouldn’t! Okay, that I’ll make the right decision, either way 64. That I am doing the right thing and going to the thing where M is being honored next week 65. And made the big (required) donation to that good cause 66. Kandinsky 67. Lee Krasner 68. Good movies 69. Smiles 70. Laughter 71. My mother yesterday. Kind and not pushy about L. 72. Her love 73. Everyone’s love that I have. 74. And have ever had 75. The wonderful orgasms I’ve had in my life 76. And I’ll have more : ) 77. And maybe I will lie with a man in closeness and intimacy someday again. 78. Birds 79. Trees 80. Snowflakes 81. Breezes 82. Golden leaves 83. My brain 84. That I can breathe 85. That I don’t smoke (anymore) 86. That I haven’t, in so many years (decades). 87. Centers (for the kids) 88. Spelling – I don’t know why – I just like teaching it 89. That I am usually not crude. 90. Pictures and paintings of people dancing, those figures like Hopi or something 91. Valerie 92. Thich Nhat Hanh 93. Strength 94. Humor 95. My stomach works for me 96. And my kidneys 97. Showers 98. Stockings 99. Bras 100. Little Miss-Matched socks