Journal

Sorry
I did something embarrassing Saturday.
Not wrong! Just embarrassing.
And it led me to a BIG revelation!
It was HUGE.

***It was the 1st time in almost a year that I felt really hopeful.
And maybe the third time EVER (the other two were within a month and came about in the same sort of - independent from these guys way!) - when I felt like a full PERSON!!!!***


About needing a more NORMAL relationship than I've had in a long time.
And being ready for one next time.

And I explained that to L.
And even A.

And I was in the middle of only the third headache of my LIFE!
But it was lasting since Thursday!

It went away on Sat. RIGHT AFTER I explained (email) to L and A!
Gone

I had WANTED to come on and tell all about it,
but
then,
despite my very serious and abundantly clear request that L NOT call me that day to discuss, and if would like to answer, please write instead, as I NEEDED a break from the talking,
he called
FOUR TIMES.

I wound up screaming bloody murder at him!
But first, explained my feelings. A lot..

But - immediately, the headache was back. I went during work yesterday. Came back at about 7 pm.
Gone now (on work - break).

Both have contacted me today.
A to say - shhhhh - that what he really needs is a lighthearted little mistress. I said it is not in my blood - I will never be that. So we said goodbye.
L. to say, isn't there something we could do? "Try?" Me: "Try what???" L. "To have a sexual relationship back." Me: L! Dear One! If you had WANTED it, you would have TOUCHED ME more than once since August!!!!!!!! It went from every weekend (only time we see each other) to every few, to once in 4 months, to never.
As you say ALL your relationships have gone (only others even worse). Honey, this is not an indictment of you! You have a RIGHT to the kind of relationship in which YOU'RE comfortable! I do NOT, at this point in my life, want a sexless one.
To THINK that it is going to change, after like 40 years of your life being this way, is pie-in-the-sky thinking.
There are MANY women - especially around your age, who would rather not be BOTHERED with sex. Why aren't you looking for one of THEM?
I have been unhappy for so long."

Both have contacted me since, A as maybe a sort of distant friend with the smallest hope that I'll be his mistress (no).
And L. sent a text - like normal. (no).

****1. I would NEVER leave a guy whom I loved, who could no longer have sex. Like if something happened, ....
But L. has always had this problem, and didn't let me know in beginning, as was trying to see if could change...
AND
****2. Remember, L. has a mental illness he didn't let me know about for months either. I grew up with a mother with a mental illness. J., whom I adored and still do, had real issues. Do I really need to go there again?

If you have read this,
thank you so much for listening!

meetings - mother things -
so stressed NEVER made it to bed last night...
lawyer things
full-time job
sometimes has missed being on fully lately. :(