My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. I am grateful to God that I feel better than yesterday and much better than Saturday night! I wasn’t even able to come on and share about it all Saturday. Maybe soon I’ll go back and do it. Anyway, so grateful to feel better.
2. Very grateful that I am DETERMINED to be happy today
3. And to SHARE that happiness with others. The children (students), my mother, colleagues, M (she is not in but I emailed her this morning).
4. I am grateful for the innocence of little B (student) who just read to us from his Journal.
5. I am grateful that J might help with the lawyer stuff.
6. I am so grateful for my lovely (although part-time) aide! She is a lovely human being, a great worker, and the utmost professional
7. That I have all my teeth
8. That my parents paid for braces, and so they were straight. (It was about 1500 dollars, back in those days, but that was a LOT for them. My mother had two sort of fang-like teeth, especially one, and didn’t want me to go through life with that so they struggled and found the money!)
9. And so, I am grateful that I have straight teeth
10. A just-nice size, too.
11. March. March signals spring is coming.
12. I remember decades ago, I was very sick. I had had so many things. Accidents, double pneumonia, lyme disease, … I was tired of being sick. I went to the doctor for one or the other, and I still remember the doctor saying to me, “You will get better. Spring will come.” That was compassionate and made me feel better and hopeful. And I’m grateful to that doctor.
13. I am grateful for the outfit I’m wearing.
14. And for the BEAUTIFUL and EXPENSIVE clothes my parents paid for when I was growing up and even through college. Wow.
15. And for the times, 2 I think, get ready – My dear father took me to Lord & Taylor’s. This was not the same as the store is now. Nothing was “off the rack.” It was personal service. Exclusive (and expensive). I was thin and pickier about colors than now!! So. We would walk in. A saleslady would come over to us. My father would turn to me, “Tell the lady what you need.” And I would say, “Hi. I am a size 5, I don’t like green or grey, and I need a wardrobe.” Then we would SIT. On a devan sort of thing. And TWO saleswomen would go around collecting things from different departments. That blazer for these slacks… And they would bring me things and I would try them on. Then we would leave with my father – who worked two jobs and owned only two suits, having bought me a wardrobe. Once he even tried to insist and insist that I would love this fur coat (in those days I didn’t know how bad fur was!) and I had to insist no. “No, Daddy. You have bought me enough!” So nice. So special. I’m willing to bet that billions of people in this world have not had that experience.
16. That the children love to draw and to color. So much. Even 5th graders. I think that is a healthy desire of theirs.
17. Collards
18. The veggie protein back I am eating right now as I type on my lunch-break. Almost every ingredient organic. Fresh garlic, onion, carrots, celery including some tops, and dandelion greens, plus frozen collards and my favorite – artichoke hearts, and flavored Panko bread crumbs and about 2/3 slice spelt bread crumbled up, 5 t of Earth Balance over that, lots of garlic powder and then 4 pieces (1 pkg) of Gardein “chick” scallopini cooked lightly in pan first and cut up. Baked at 375 for about 45 minutes. 6 servings in the “roasting” pan. 3.25 ww points each! Yummy and will get me through he whole afternoon with energy! I’m grateful for this dish.
19. And for all the variations that I make on it.
20. L loved it on NYE too, as a side dish.
21. I am grateful that I went to ww yesterday.
22. And that M came too!
23. I’m grateful that after I ranted like a mad woman, A came back online and wrote these five lines, just like this:
Stop
Get a grip
I am your friend
Not your enemy
I am on your side.
24. That was really good. And he is, as I had heard, a real friend to his friends.
25. And I’m grateful that in that MOMENT, my anger dripped away and the terror and the fearful little girl inside was exposed to me for who she was. And I was then okay.
26. I’m grateful that I finally got to explain to him my feelings about that woman.
27. And that I even told him the tragic story of something really bad that happened in my life. I think only hubbies and dr know it. And now A.
28. And he didn’t dump me as a friend. He understood about what was done TO me when I was so young…
29. I am glad that I believe my friend DOES love his wife.
30. And that I told him so.
31. And that he said, “glad to hear it.”
32. I am grateful that I DID scream at L the other night. I don’t care what ANYBODY thinks about it. He was being truly obnoxious. Oh, he wasn’t screaming. But that doesn’t mean he was any the less horrible! Horrible. And he was infuriating. And wouldn’t let up. And would NOT listen even though I’d asked him NOT to call and he did – 4 times and said wanted to listen. But was not good at all. And I think he was horrified at my yelling. And in a way, so am I, because it’s not the kind of person I want to be. BUT - unacceptable is unacceptable and there has been a lot unacceptable going on including nastiness every time he doesn’t agree with something even if it’s the way *I * am using google for something of *mine * that does not even AFFECT him! I don’t want to be treated that way. And I don’t want to be bullshitted to either. So in the future, I will try to stay calm in my demeanor but I will still not take it. “I’m hanging up now. You are not listening and so this is not a 2-way discussion. Goodbye now.” That sort of thing.
33. I am grateful that I will try to be more calm (though NOT sorry I screamed on Sat night)
34. And I am grateful that I will not take the mistreatment either.
35. I am grateful for mystery picture graph art.
36. And that the children love it.
37. And for math puzzles online
38. And for Helen Keller
39. I’m grateful fo the nice book the librarian read my class today, called, The Watcher, about Jane Goodall.
40. I’m grateful for Jane Goodall! I almost got to have her come and work with us a few years ago! (It didn’t work out because there were too many whole-school requirement in order to secure her…. She’s in high demand of course. )
41. I’m grateful that my kids love love love Koko the Gorilla.
42. And that I’ve shared it with M’s class too.
43. And am about to share it with the other 2 classes
44. And then will show those three the dvd (which I’ve already shown my class: )
45. I am grateful for the nice times I had with L. EARLY ON. I can’t IMAGINE being anything but friends with him. Almost brother sister…. After this point. BUT – in the BEGINNING – I WAS astounded that I had HAPPENED UPON someone so – affectionate, carerssy, sexual, kind, brilliant, cultured. Who liked and appreciated ME so MUCH! And was all over me all the time! Someone who was EMPLOYED and didn’t need any money from ME! Who introduced me to some musical, artistic, and wine things. I’m grateful for the times even when I paid for a CAR to take me into NYC to him. Like being whisked to my lover. One driver one time was really happy – for us. And mentioned things from overhearing my talks with L on the phone in the back of his car. And then, he drove me again like 6 months later – and REMEMBEREED! Remembered watching me jump out of the car and L. swirling me in his arms and us kissing.
46. And the almost-catapult-across-the-room-and-fall-out-of-the-window-omg-orgasms he used to give me.
47. A little bit I hate his guts that it’s not really real. But I’m so happy I had that brief wondrous time.
48. I’m grateful that I appreciated artichokes even when I was 3 years old! My favorite food always.
49. And that J and I were at the “artichoke capital of the world” in CA : )
50. I’m grateful for the trip to LA when J was living out there. That first trip out, because he couldn’t stand to be without me nor I without him. And I was afraid of flying. But he send me over 4 hours worth of tapes. Him talking. “Showing me around.” Telling me exactly what to expect on plane, runway, taxiing, etc. At one point saying, “Look out the window. No – don’t. Close the shade and read! Listen to my voice. ) And playing Theme from Elvira Madigan by Mozart on that tape, because it was my favorite. And oh the song – by Meat Loaf, from Bat Out of Hell, “For Cryin’ Out Loud.” How he would hold me, and even cry. How we made it our wedding song! (Imagine the Irish-Catholic conservative relatives! Hee).
51. Espeically these lyrics:
I was lost till you were found
But I never know how far down
I was falling
Before I reached the bottom
I was cold and you were fire
And I never knew how the pyre
Could be burning
On the edge of the ice field

And now the chilly California wind
Is blowing down our bodies again
And we're sinking deeper and deeper
In the chilly California sand
Oh I know you belong
Inside my aching heart
And can't you see my faded Levis
Bursting apart
And don't you hear me crying:
"Oh Babe, don't go"
And don't you hear me screaming
"How was I to know?"
52. Oh those lyrics about chilly CA wind. And faded Levis bursting apart
53. And these lyrics too from it:
I'm in the middle of nowhere
Near the end of the line
But there's a border to somewhere waiting
And there's a tankful of time
Oh give me just another moment
To see the light of the day
And take me to another land where
I don't have to stay
And I'm gonna need somebody to make me feel like you do
And I will receive somebody with open arms, open eyes
Open up the sky and let the planet that I love shine through
For crying out loud
You know I love you
For crying out loud
You know I love you
For crying out loud
You know I love you
54. Uh oh. And this part too:

I was damned and you were saved
And I never knew how enslaved
I was kneeling
In the chains of my master
I could laugh but you could cry
And I never knew just how high
I was flying
Ah, with you right above me
55. and:
I was damned and you were saved
And I never knew how enslaved
I was kneeling
In the chains of my master
I could laugh but you could cry
And I never knew just how high
I was flying
Ah, with you right above me
56. And the rest

For taking in the rain when I'm feeling so dry
For giving me the answers when I'm asking you why
And my oh my
For that
I thank you

For taking in the sun when I feel so cold
For giving me a child when my body is old
And don't you know
For that I need you

For coming to my room when you know I'm alone
For finding me a highway, for driving me home
And you got to know
For that
I serve you

For pulling me away when I'm starting to fall
For revving me up when I'm starting to stall
And you got to know
For that
I want you

For taking and for giving and for playing the game
For praying for my future in the days that remain
Oh Lord
For that
I hold you
Ah, but most of all
For crying out loud
For that
I love you
Ah, but most of all
For crying out loud
For that
I love you
Ah, but most of all
For crying out loud
For that
I love you
When you're crying out loud
You know
I love you
(the child part not true but oh all the rest)
57.And that he wrote to me, after having broken up with me to move out there, but realizing he wanted me back, and having been HERE to visit me, he wrote, “I can’t wait to have you out here. We can sit at the Pacific Ocian, and feel the waves lapping at the shore. I’ll do a little lapping of my own…”
58. God how I loved him. I still do. I always will. But I would rather have had that love and not have it now, then gone all those years without it.
And I’m grateful the bad things had stopped. For many years.
And I’m grateful that the truth IS< I am pretty, and energetic, and nice. And though NOT NICE when feeling rejected and while working out so much stuff with the therapis and so much – menories – fellings – so much- is coming up, I am usually a very nice person. And I am smart. And employed. And I own my own home. And I do good tings for the world. And I am a typing phenom. And I play classical piano well. 58. And taught it for 17 years.
59. And I am good for children.
60. And I am a vegan.
61. And I am funny. And creative. And quick to learn.
62. And I have strong legs. And compassion.
63. And I am sexual. And affectionate. And kissy.
64. And expressive.
65. And a good actress. ( on stage). (and in classroom).
66. And I am Reiki Level II
67. And great at meditating.
68. And becoming a better Buddhist.
And so – I do have a lot to offer.
69. So I will find a nice man who WANTS to be with me and appreciates me and loves me. Yeah. Chances are I will. After I get ofmy butt and start looking…
70. That my heart works well
71. And my lungs
72. That I can see
73. And speak. I remember when I couldn’t
74. Water. I am grateful for access to fresh, clean water. So lucky.
75. And for the times I have swam in the sound. I love the Long Island Sound. So much. And the fun I’ve had there! I feel like a mermaid – a water sprite! I may LOOK like a snail, but I FEEL like a water sprite!
76. I especially have loved it when I was out deep and the water was rough (for the sound). And it was playing with me. Four hours. So much fun. So free. So lovely.
77. And my favorite. About a week before we got married, J, gave me an orgasm in the sound! Omg! That was so close. So special. (Which was even better than it being so hot!)
78. That there are people all over the world helping. Helping people. Helping non-human animals. Helping for peace…
79. Organic farmers
80. Honest people
81.That I have a piano in my classroom.
82. And that I use it!
83. That my house is neat and in order.
84. With healthy foods in the fridge and freezer. Things I’ve made.
85. That I healed so quickly and thoroughly after my hysterectomy.
86. And my double pneumonia
87. And – everything.
88. That I am not friends with S. anymore. I don’t like him and I don’t miss him a whit. Nor doesn’t he miss me, I’m sure.
89. That MAYBE I’ll have enough when I retire.
90. That I have a good opthamologist.
91. That O. told me to practice that part staccato. Oh! That IS helping me get it without misplaced accents, and more like a string of pearls as they say…
92. England! That I went!
93. And alone!
94. And loved it SO MUCH!
95. Bought those pretty lingerie things at Harrod’s!
96. participated in a sit-in for pieace with Thich Nhat Hanh (and about 4000 others) in Trafalgar Square!
97. Ate beans on toast for breakfasts at a little local place.
98. Walked.
99. Was treated so NICELY by EVERYONE! For 9 whole days!
100. Took the tour buses. Loved every minute.
101. Traced Princess Diana’s steps down the aisle at St. Paul’s Cathedral.
102. Sat at the site of the beheading of Ann Bolyn for so long. Such a reverant time that part of the afternoon ws.
103. Grateful too though, that I skipped the torture chambers part of the Tower. Didn’t need THAT.
104. Walked over Henry VIII’s grave. As many WOMAN felt the need to do!
105. And was whisked from the airport straight to L, who was waiting for me IN THE STREET with open arms and kisses and hugs and …
106. And then went to the Seder. Loved that so much.
107. Last end-March into early April was a very good time.
108. And I’m grateful that there will be more good times too!