Thank you, God, for new starts and for the day.
I woke up and I feel:
Scared, depressed, regretful, throat hurts, overwhelmed, rejected, worthless.
and
powerless
and
Blessed, grateful
I think it is because:
1. J. stuff. And with weeks without heat or hot water, and then weeks being sick, falling *so far* behind here. And new anti-depressant is so tiring. And I'm just scared and overwhelmed and hopeless-feeling.
2. Food. I know I need God's help to continue on the right path with food. That's a good thing.
3. Blessed because it could be *so much* worse. So I will really try today to do the right things, one after the other, whatever they are.
I acted out codependently:
Unable to look good or walk around and function last night. Just lay on the couch sick while J was here dropping off dog. I could not do otherwise. Damn.
Next time I think I will do differently:
Try harder
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Affirmations
I love myself unconditionally and accept myself as I am.
I can do it.
I am grateful to life for all that I have received till now and for all that I will be receiving in the future.
Every day in every way I am getting happier and happier.
Happiness is my birth right. I choose to be happy and I deserve to be happy.
Every new day starts with happiness, is full of joy and ends with contentment.
I can do it.
I am grateful to life for all that I have received till now and for all that I will be receiving in the future.
Every day in every way I am getting happier and happier.
Happiness is my birth right. I choose to be happy and I deserve to be happy.
Every new day starts with happiness, is full of joy and ends with contentment.
Grats
I am grateful:
1. Today’s For Today: “We shall sooner have the fowl by hatching the egg than by smashing it.” Abraham Lincoln
2. “It is impossible to hurry some things.
3. “If I am abstinent, I will lose weight.
4. “If I push and shove and spin my wheels, it is only an appearance of activity that accomplishes nothing.
5. “When I want a defect removed before its time, when I want more growth, when I want things to go my way, I remember that life is on God’s timetable, not mine.” I don’t get why that is so. But I’m sure it’s important.
6. “Patience is a part of humility, of tempering ‘I want’ with a willingness to wait.” But the hardest part of waiting is not knowing. It’s easy to wait if you know it will come. I don’t know. I know it’s important to read this though, so I’m grateful.
7. “For today: I remind myself that drawing up a timetable can doom me to failure, just as goals of perfection have done.
8. “I do not set myself up for this anymore.”
9. Today’s Voices of Recovery. Very good – “I can hold onto fear that serves the purpose of keeping compulsion alive, or I can turn my life – one moment at a time – over to my Higher Power.” For Today p. 104
10. “Fear and anxiety have haunted my entire life.
11. “They have also been a constant challenge in my recovery from compulsive overeating.
12. “Forming a relationship with a Higher Power, whom I call God, has resulted in several years of abstinence
13. “and an ability to walk through fearful situation.
14. “in order to grow emotionally and spiritually, I need to take risks;
15. “that brings up fear.
16. “but I have learned that it does not matter how afraid I am.
17. “I can show up anyway.
18. “I pray and ask God to help me,
19. “and I’ve never been disappointed.
20. “Each time I conquer something that I am afraid to do, it boosts my self-esteem and enables me to take the next risk.
21. “The combination of abstinence and a reliance on God has given me courage.
22. “I will never be without fear, but with God’s help, I have been able to face my fears abstinently
23. “and accomplish things I never thought possible.”
24. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I have a spiritual connection.
25. “I am scared, worried, and don’t know what to do, so I’m working the Eleventh Step.
26. “It’s one of my favorites. I ask ‘only for knowledge of God’s will’ for me
27. “and ‘the power to carry that out.’
28. “When I listen and am open to being guided, it works!
29. “My Higher Power is here.
30. “There’s no doubt in my mind.
31. “I’m so grateful for this Step.”
32. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “We cannot afford to put our needs on hold, waiting for another person to fulfill us, make our life better, or come around and be who and what we want that person to be.” That’s important. But I don’t know anything else to do. I’ll keep reading.
33. “That will create resentment, hostility, an unhealthy dependency, and a mess to deal with later on.
34. “If we have decided we want a particular relationship or want to wait about making a decision in a particular relationship, then we must go on with our own life in the interim.” Well, I mean I *am * doing that to an extent. Working, seeing friends, going out, plus reading and piano, taking care of my eating and how I look…
35. “That can be hard.
36. “It can feel natural to put our life on hold.” Yes, it is important for me to read that this is a problem. And I do have this problem.
37. “That is when we get caught up in the codependent beliefs: That person can make me happy…I need that particular person to do a particular thing in order to be happy…
38. “That’s a circumstance that can hook our low self-esteem, our self-doubt, and our tendency to neglect ourselves.” It’s important for me to see that this exists for others too. To feel understood by this program.
39. “We can get into this situation in a number of ways. We can do this waiting for a letter,” I’ve done that. Years ago. Different person.
40. “waiting for a job, waiting for a person,” Yup.
41. “waiting for an event.” Yup. And waiting for an event to pass.
42. “We do not have to put our life on hold.” It says that. We don’t? Well, it says that.
43. “There will be repercussions from doing this.” I know.
44. “Go on with your life.” But I feel like I don’t have a life. Keep reading.
45. “Go on with your life. Take life a day at a time.” Okay.
46. “What is something I could be doing now to take care of myself, make myself feel better, get my needs met in an appropriate, healthy way?” Clean. But I want J to help : ( So codependent.
47. “How can I own my power to take care of myself, despite what the other person is or isn’t doing?” Wow. I’ve been hoping this new pill will help with that.
48. “What will happen if I break the system and begin taking care of myself.” Great question. I guess my fear is what will happen is that I’ll have nothing else hanging over my head, and then I’ll realize fully, with proof, that I am empty.
49. “Sometimes, we get the answer we want immediately. Sometimes, we wait for a while. Sometimes, things don’t work our exactly the way we hoped. But they always work out for good, and often better than we expected.” I’m only grateful for the last part of that sentence.
50. “And in the meantime, we have manifested love for ourselves by living our own life and taking the control away from others.
51. “That always comes back to us tenfold, because when we actually manifest love for ourselves, we give our Higher Power, other people, and the Universe permission to send us the love we want and need.” Okaaaay…
52. “Stopping living our life to make a thing happen doesn’t work.
53. “All it does is make us miserable, because we have stopped living our life.”
54. “Today, I will force myself, if necessary, to live my own life. I will act in my own best interest, in a way that reflects self-love.
55. “If I have given power or control of my life to someone other than myself, and someone besides a Power greater than myself, I will take it back.
56. “I will begin acting in my own best interests, even if it feels awkward to do that.”
57. I’m in trouble here. Gotta keep doing more gratitudes. I am grateful for my ability to breathe on my own.
58. And my eyesight.
59. And this anti-depressant, which may help.
60. And that so many of my students believe in the tooth fairy, Santa, etc.
61. And that we have such diversity of religions/belief systems.
62. And my Buddhist name the monks and nuns picked for me: True Compassion of the Heart.
63. Humor
64. MA
65. That I’ll work today. Without it I think I’d go crazy.
66. People who read my blog.
67. Will call sponsor in few minutes.
68. Typing.
69. That I put much-needed gas in the car yesterday.
70. That I’m not a compulsive hoarder.
71. That I don’t panic over the little stuff I used to panic over.
72. Hope
73. Jackets
74. People who care for animals.
75. Vegetables.
76. Fruits
77. Coffee
78. My legs. The strength/walking.
79. Giggling with M’s girls yesterday.
80. Meeting the adorable doggie. I loved her.
81. That she was so into me too.
82. Time just M and I in kitchen together chatting over tea while she did stuff.
83. Ja loving the stuff MA and I gave her and saying something I said to her helped her look at her coming heart surgery with much less fear.
84. That I can go or not go to he work party today.
85. That I gave the kids a great day yesterday.
86. That even though one was obnoxious, and a couple were crazy, the conferences went well yesterday and are about a third done.
87. Showers
88. J
89. Beaches
90. Pools
91. Sunrise
92. Water to drink
93. Microwave in classroom
94. And leaving it unplugged except the few minutes a month using, so not really an electricity drain either.
95. Paper
96. Colored pencils.
97. Highlighters
98. Sofas
99. Hope. Hope hope hope.
100. Ability to speak. I remember when I didn’t have it.
Ji and all he did for me.
1. Today’s For Today: “We shall sooner have the fowl by hatching the egg than by smashing it.” Abraham Lincoln
2. “It is impossible to hurry some things.
3. “If I am abstinent, I will lose weight.
4. “If I push and shove and spin my wheels, it is only an appearance of activity that accomplishes nothing.
5. “When I want a defect removed before its time, when I want more growth, when I want things to go my way, I remember that life is on God’s timetable, not mine.” I don’t get why that is so. But I’m sure it’s important.
6. “Patience is a part of humility, of tempering ‘I want’ with a willingness to wait.” But the hardest part of waiting is not knowing. It’s easy to wait if you know it will come. I don’t know. I know it’s important to read this though, so I’m grateful.
7. “For today: I remind myself that drawing up a timetable can doom me to failure, just as goals of perfection have done.
8. “I do not set myself up for this anymore.”
9. Today’s Voices of Recovery. Very good – “I can hold onto fear that serves the purpose of keeping compulsion alive, or I can turn my life – one moment at a time – over to my Higher Power.” For Today p. 104
10. “Fear and anxiety have haunted my entire life.
11. “They have also been a constant challenge in my recovery from compulsive overeating.
12. “Forming a relationship with a Higher Power, whom I call God, has resulted in several years of abstinence
13. “and an ability to walk through fearful situation.
14. “in order to grow emotionally and spiritually, I need to take risks;
15. “that brings up fear.
16. “but I have learned that it does not matter how afraid I am.
17. “I can show up anyway.
18. “I pray and ask God to help me,
19. “and I’ve never been disappointed.
20. “Each time I conquer something that I am afraid to do, it boosts my self-esteem and enables me to take the next risk.
21. “The combination of abstinence and a reliance on God has given me courage.
22. “I will never be without fear, but with God’s help, I have been able to face my fears abstinently
23. “and accomplish things I never thought possible.”
24. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I have a spiritual connection.
25. “I am scared, worried, and don’t know what to do, so I’m working the Eleventh Step.
26. “It’s one of my favorites. I ask ‘only for knowledge of God’s will’ for me
27. “and ‘the power to carry that out.’
28. “When I listen and am open to being guided, it works!
29. “My Higher Power is here.
30. “There’s no doubt in my mind.
31. “I’m so grateful for this Step.”
32. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “We cannot afford to put our needs on hold, waiting for another person to fulfill us, make our life better, or come around and be who and what we want that person to be.” That’s important. But I don’t know anything else to do. I’ll keep reading.
33. “That will create resentment, hostility, an unhealthy dependency, and a mess to deal with later on.
34. “If we have decided we want a particular relationship or want to wait about making a decision in a particular relationship, then we must go on with our own life in the interim.” Well, I mean I *am * doing that to an extent. Working, seeing friends, going out, plus reading and piano, taking care of my eating and how I look…
35. “That can be hard.
36. “It can feel natural to put our life on hold.” Yes, it is important for me to read that this is a problem. And I do have this problem.
37. “That is when we get caught up in the codependent beliefs: That person can make me happy…I need that particular person to do a particular thing in order to be happy…
38. “That’s a circumstance that can hook our low self-esteem, our self-doubt, and our tendency to neglect ourselves.” It’s important for me to see that this exists for others too. To feel understood by this program.
39. “We can get into this situation in a number of ways. We can do this waiting for a letter,” I’ve done that. Years ago. Different person.
40. “waiting for a job, waiting for a person,” Yup.
41. “waiting for an event.” Yup. And waiting for an event to pass.
42. “We do not have to put our life on hold.” It says that. We don’t? Well, it says that.
43. “There will be repercussions from doing this.” I know.
44. “Go on with your life.” But I feel like I don’t have a life. Keep reading.
45. “Go on with your life. Take life a day at a time.” Okay.
46. “What is something I could be doing now to take care of myself, make myself feel better, get my needs met in an appropriate, healthy way?” Clean. But I want J to help : ( So codependent.
47. “How can I own my power to take care of myself, despite what the other person is or isn’t doing?” Wow. I’ve been hoping this new pill will help with that.
48. “What will happen if I break the system and begin taking care of myself.” Great question. I guess my fear is what will happen is that I’ll have nothing else hanging over my head, and then I’ll realize fully, with proof, that I am empty.
49. “Sometimes, we get the answer we want immediately. Sometimes, we wait for a while. Sometimes, things don’t work our exactly the way we hoped. But they always work out for good, and often better than we expected.” I’m only grateful for the last part of that sentence.
50. “And in the meantime, we have manifested love for ourselves by living our own life and taking the control away from others.
51. “That always comes back to us tenfold, because when we actually manifest love for ourselves, we give our Higher Power, other people, and the Universe permission to send us the love we want and need.” Okaaaay…
52. “Stopping living our life to make a thing happen doesn’t work.
53. “All it does is make us miserable, because we have stopped living our life.”
54. “Today, I will force myself, if necessary, to live my own life. I will act in my own best interest, in a way that reflects self-love.
55. “If I have given power or control of my life to someone other than myself, and someone besides a Power greater than myself, I will take it back.
56. “I will begin acting in my own best interests, even if it feels awkward to do that.”
57. I’m in trouble here. Gotta keep doing more gratitudes. I am grateful for my ability to breathe on my own.
58. And my eyesight.
59. And this anti-depressant, which may help.
60. And that so many of my students believe in the tooth fairy, Santa, etc.
61. And that we have such diversity of religions/belief systems.
62. And my Buddhist name the monks and nuns picked for me: True Compassion of the Heart.
63. Humor
64. MA
65. That I’ll work today. Without it I think I’d go crazy.
66. People who read my blog.
67. Will call sponsor in few minutes.
68. Typing.
69. That I put much-needed gas in the car yesterday.
70. That I’m not a compulsive hoarder.
71. That I don’t panic over the little stuff I used to panic over.
72. Hope
73. Jackets
74. People who care for animals.
75. Vegetables.
76. Fruits
77. Coffee
78. My legs. The strength/walking.
79. Giggling with M’s girls yesterday.
80. Meeting the adorable doggie. I loved her.
81. That she was so into me too.
82. Time just M and I in kitchen together chatting over tea while she did stuff.
83. Ja loving the stuff MA and I gave her and saying something I said to her helped her look at her coming heart surgery with much less fear.
84. That I can go or not go to he work party today.
85. That I gave the kids a great day yesterday.
86. That even though one was obnoxious, and a couple were crazy, the conferences went well yesterday and are about a third done.
87. Showers
88. J
89. Beaches
90. Pools
91. Sunrise
92. Water to drink
93. Microwave in classroom
94. And leaving it unplugged except the few minutes a month using, so not really an electricity drain either.
95. Paper
96. Colored pencils.
97. Highlighters
98. Sofas
99. Hope. Hope hope hope.
100. Ability to speak. I remember when I didn’t have it.
Ji and all he did for me.
CoDA Work This Morning
Thank you, God, for this day.
I woke up and I feel:
Despairing, Upset, Toppled, Lonely, Used, Helpless, Distrustful, Terrified, Unstable, Bypassed, Desolate, Dreadful, Abandoned, Unloved, Wounded, Downcast Worried, Powerless, Angry, Jilted, Ostracized, Left out, Defective, Dejected, Hindered, Estranged, Isolated, Alone, Bothered, Encumbered, Depressed, Disturbed, Empty!, Bewildered, Regretful
Ill, Vulnerable
and Defeated, Willing
and
Grateful, Sacred, Blessed, a little Hopeful
I think it is because:
The beginning stuff - it's so dark and lonely here and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and J is pushing about telling my mother, and she'll suffer plus drive me crazy and I feel like I can't take anymore. Plus I have so much cleaning to do this weekend and my throat hurts and I can't imagine doing it. And I just so miss my life with him and miss him and love him and I'm miserable. Also the throat hurting is unsettling plus I've eaten so carefully but haven't lost anything this week. I have figured out that I have made my life as lonely as estranged and miserable as my mother's was at this age, and it's like I had to do that because of the psychiatric thing she did to me... long story have learned with dr...And I'm mad that J did what he did, even though I know it was from his own weakness. And that my weaknesses had me believe...and do all that I did. Also, I feel a bit as if, although I know M. loves me, she almost uses me a little to watch her kids.
The middle stuff - food. OA.
The end stuff - It could all be so much worse. And it isn't. God is here. I will get help. My new anti-depressant has raised the level of the ocean floor, thank God. I never know, as I change and grow, what might happen.
Thank you, Jesus, for these insights.
I woke up and I feel:
Despairing, Upset, Toppled, Lonely, Used, Helpless, Distrustful, Terrified, Unstable, Bypassed, Desolate, Dreadful, Abandoned, Unloved, Wounded, Downcast Worried, Powerless, Angry, Jilted, Ostracized, Left out, Defective, Dejected, Hindered, Estranged, Isolated, Alone, Bothered, Encumbered, Depressed, Disturbed, Empty!, Bewildered, Regretful
Ill, Vulnerable
and Defeated, Willing
and
Grateful, Sacred, Blessed, a little Hopeful
I think it is because:
The beginning stuff - it's so dark and lonely here and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and J is pushing about telling my mother, and she'll suffer plus drive me crazy and I feel like I can't take anymore. Plus I have so much cleaning to do this weekend and my throat hurts and I can't imagine doing it. And I just so miss my life with him and miss him and love him and I'm miserable. Also the throat hurting is unsettling plus I've eaten so carefully but haven't lost anything this week. I have figured out that I have made my life as lonely as estranged and miserable as my mother's was at this age, and it's like I had to do that because of the psychiatric thing she did to me... long story have learned with dr...And I'm mad that J did what he did, even though I know it was from his own weakness. And that my weaknesses had me believe...and do all that I did. Also, I feel a bit as if, although I know M. loves me, she almost uses me a little to watch her kids.
The middle stuff - food. OA.
The end stuff - It could all be so much worse. And it isn't. God is here. I will get help. My new anti-depressant has raised the level of the ocean floor, thank God. I never know, as I change and grow, what might happen.
Thank you, Jesus, for these insights.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Affirmations
I am grateful to life for all that I have received till now and for all that I will be receiving in the future.
I can do it.
I feel good about myself and about everybody around me.
All is well. Everything that is happening is only for the highest good of me.
The past is gone. I live only in the present.
I love myself unconditionally and accept myself as I am.
I am cool, calm and collected.
Every breath I inhale calms me and every breath I exhale takes away tension.
Every cell in my body is relaxed and oozes calmness.
I love myself deeply and unconditionally.
As the wonderful, soothing energy of the Universe enters my body, I accept myself completely and deeply, without any reservations.
All is well in my world and I am safe.
All is well in my world and I am safe.
All is well in my world and I am safe.
All is well in my world and I am safe.
I can do it.
I feel good about myself and about everybody around me.
All is well. Everything that is happening is only for the highest good of me.
The past is gone. I live only in the present.
I love myself unconditionally and accept myself as I am.
I am cool, calm and collected.
Every breath I inhale calms me and every breath I exhale takes away tension.
Every cell in my body is relaxed and oozes calmness.
I love myself deeply and unconditionally.
As the wonderful, soothing energy of the Universe enters my body, I accept myself completely and deeply, without any reservations.
All is well in my world and I am safe.
All is well in my world and I am safe.
All is well in my world and I am safe.
All is well in my world and I am safe.
Grats
I am grateful:
1. Dr. yesterday
2. Pill last night
3. Not the depth of ocean-floor depression like yesterday and since Saturday and last night
4. Lost Word Document this morning, but it was a short one
5. Word Documents
6. Laptop
7. Typing and how it helps me concentrate. Almost always, even when can’t concentrate on “anything,” usually can a bit at least if typing.
8. My kinesthetic memory
9. My new microwave
10. That J. did it for me (I didn’t ask)
11. That he’s also fixing the vacuum (I didn’t ask)
12. That he called last night. I didn’t get the, but he called and that was nice.
13. Maybe I’ll be eating well for the whole month of December.
14. Today’s For Today: “All that is required to feel that here and now is happiness is a simple, frugal heart.” Nikos Kazantzakes
15. “Happiness is not a spectacular production, introduced with clashing cymbals and blaring trumpets.
16. “It comes quietly, unexpectedly to one who would not dream of chasing it.” Okay…
17. “Happiness makes its own terms.
18. “The world likes to think happiness is a corollary of success, fame and wealth, and that may indeed be true in some instances. The greater likelihood, however, is that happiness arrives as the unannounced guest of some humble heart.” I don’t fully understand this, but it’s nice.
19. Today’s Voices of Recovery: …”…the Steps were worded so specifically so that the meaning would be absolutely clear. After working through all Twelve Steps, my result would be to have a spiritual awakening. It would not be one of a number of results, it would be THE result.
20. “This clarifies what I am working toward when I go through the Steps to the best of my ability.
21. “I am trying to have a spiritual awakening which will allow me to stop eating compulsively, certainly the result I want from working the OA program.
22. “From that, everything I need in life will follow.”
23. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I appreciate myself.”
24. My dr. says I’m much too hard on myself.
25. It goes on to say, “I acknowledge my progress and accomplishments.
26. “I recognize my gains, large and small, by journaling them.” I guess that’s a good idea.
27. And “This process helps me validate how much I’m doing for myself.
28. “Rewards come as I work my program.” Promise?
29. “I see positive changes in my behaviors and attitudes.
30. “I communicate more clearly because I know what I’m feeling.
31. “At times, I feel flexible and relaxed.” Promise?
32. “I gain new insights, abilities, and skills.” Promise?
33. “I deal with problems, both at home and in the work place, more effectively.
34. “My thoughts are more positive
35. “and I rarely engage in negative self-talk.
36. “There is hope
37. “ – and evidence!” Okay.
38. I’ve gotten through some tings in my life that I was afraid of.
39. Today’s Language of Letting Go: …”Many of us have learned to block or stop ourselves from getting what we want and need.”
40. …”We may have to let go of our fears enough to experience the intimacy that will occur when we allow someone to love and support us.
41. “We may even have to learn, one day at a time, how to be happy and content.”
42. I am grateful for my blog.
43. And for commenting on a couple of others yesterday.
44. And whenever someone comments on mine.
45. And my online prayer community.
46. And clean hair.
47. And good home-cooked food that I did.
48. And that I don’t drink soda anymore, not even diet.
49. That I work well in my team. (I hope it stays this team).
50. Socks
51. Presents
52. Water
53. That I don’t have a dread disease.
54. That after a bad physical night/morning, my sponsor turned out to be okay yesterday.
55. Laughter
56. Friends irl and online who care.
57. And who help.
58. That I didn’t quit my dr. yesterday, which I almost did.
59. Coffee this am.
60. Heat.
61. Lights.
62. My mother.
63. Rest. I wish I could get some more right now. But I’m grateful for the rest I get.
64. Good vegan recipes.
65. Losing weight, may I continue.
66. Well cared-for babies.
67. That I got today’s report cards ready in time.
68. Eyeglasses so I can see well.
69. My eyesight!
70. Breath.
71. Water.
72. Birds. Birds, I love birds.
73. Maybe will be with doggie this weekend. I love her so.
74. Memories of happy times.
75. That I had those happy times.
76. MA
77. Sharing that beautiful quote with the colleague who wanted it for her daughter.
78. The quote itself, which is: “I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It's my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized.”
Dr. Haim Ginott
79. And that I have it on my classroom door, and have for many years.
80. That one time, a grandmother walked in and said, “Oh! I love that quote. I got to study with him!” And we had such a nice talk.
81. When I was in the grade where we used to do Family History.
82. And I had so many family members come in.
83. And once J and my mother did too.
84. And once for a share too. That was so nice.
85. All the support J gave me when I had to play piano at that parent’s 40th birthday party.
86. And the card he had for me when he picked me up.
87. All the support he always gave me.
88. Uh oh. I hate myself right now. Back to gratitudes. Um. Um. Um. I’m grateful for money for gas for my car.
89. And tea.
90. And freedom.
91. And sunrise. Every day.
92. And the sweetness of my students.
93. And CoDA.
94. And hope. Hope.
95. And that I’m not alone in cyber-space.
96. And blankets.
97. And bookcases.
98. And trees. I love trees. Always have.
99. And indoor plants.
100. And whole-grain pasta.
1. Dr. yesterday
2. Pill last night
3. Not the depth of ocean-floor depression like yesterday and since Saturday and last night
4. Lost Word Document this morning, but it was a short one
5. Word Documents
6. Laptop
7. Typing and how it helps me concentrate. Almost always, even when can’t concentrate on “anything,” usually can a bit at least if typing.
8. My kinesthetic memory
9. My new microwave
10. That J. did it for me (I didn’t ask)
11. That he’s also fixing the vacuum (I didn’t ask)
12. That he called last night. I didn’t get the, but he called and that was nice.
13. Maybe I’ll be eating well for the whole month of December.
14. Today’s For Today: “All that is required to feel that here and now is happiness is a simple, frugal heart.” Nikos Kazantzakes
15. “Happiness is not a spectacular production, introduced with clashing cymbals and blaring trumpets.
16. “It comes quietly, unexpectedly to one who would not dream of chasing it.” Okay…
17. “Happiness makes its own terms.
18. “The world likes to think happiness is a corollary of success, fame and wealth, and that may indeed be true in some instances. The greater likelihood, however, is that happiness arrives as the unannounced guest of some humble heart.” I don’t fully understand this, but it’s nice.
19. Today’s Voices of Recovery: …”…the Steps were worded so specifically so that the meaning would be absolutely clear. After working through all Twelve Steps, my result would be to have a spiritual awakening. It would not be one of a number of results, it would be THE result.
20. “This clarifies what I am working toward when I go through the Steps to the best of my ability.
21. “I am trying to have a spiritual awakening which will allow me to stop eating compulsively, certainly the result I want from working the OA program.
22. “From that, everything I need in life will follow.”
23. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I appreciate myself.”
24. My dr. says I’m much too hard on myself.
25. It goes on to say, “I acknowledge my progress and accomplishments.
26. “I recognize my gains, large and small, by journaling them.” I guess that’s a good idea.
27. And “This process helps me validate how much I’m doing for myself.
28. “Rewards come as I work my program.” Promise?
29. “I see positive changes in my behaviors and attitudes.
30. “I communicate more clearly because I know what I’m feeling.
31. “At times, I feel flexible and relaxed.” Promise?
32. “I gain new insights, abilities, and skills.” Promise?
33. “I deal with problems, both at home and in the work place, more effectively.
34. “My thoughts are more positive
35. “and I rarely engage in negative self-talk.
36. “There is hope
37. “ – and evidence!” Okay.
38. I’ve gotten through some tings in my life that I was afraid of.
39. Today’s Language of Letting Go: …”Many of us have learned to block or stop ourselves from getting what we want and need.”
40. …”We may have to let go of our fears enough to experience the intimacy that will occur when we allow someone to love and support us.
41. “We may even have to learn, one day at a time, how to be happy and content.”
42. I am grateful for my blog.
43. And for commenting on a couple of others yesterday.
44. And whenever someone comments on mine.
45. And my online prayer community.
46. And clean hair.
47. And good home-cooked food that I did.
48. And that I don’t drink soda anymore, not even diet.
49. That I work well in my team. (I hope it stays this team).
50. Socks
51. Presents
52. Water
53. That I don’t have a dread disease.
54. That after a bad physical night/morning, my sponsor turned out to be okay yesterday.
55. Laughter
56. Friends irl and online who care.
57. And who help.
58. That I didn’t quit my dr. yesterday, which I almost did.
59. Coffee this am.
60. Heat.
61. Lights.
62. My mother.
63. Rest. I wish I could get some more right now. But I’m grateful for the rest I get.
64. Good vegan recipes.
65. Losing weight, may I continue.
66. Well cared-for babies.
67. That I got today’s report cards ready in time.
68. Eyeglasses so I can see well.
69. My eyesight!
70. Breath.
71. Water.
72. Birds. Birds, I love birds.
73. Maybe will be with doggie this weekend. I love her so.
74. Memories of happy times.
75. That I had those happy times.
76. MA
77. Sharing that beautiful quote with the colleague who wanted it for her daughter.
78. The quote itself, which is: “I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It's my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized.”
Dr. Haim Ginott
79. And that I have it on my classroom door, and have for many years.
80. That one time, a grandmother walked in and said, “Oh! I love that quote. I got to study with him!” And we had such a nice talk.
81. When I was in the grade where we used to do Family History.
82. And I had so many family members come in.
83. And once J and my mother did too.
84. And once for a share too. That was so nice.
85. All the support J gave me when I had to play piano at that parent’s 40th birthday party.
86. And the card he had for me when he picked me up.
87. All the support he always gave me.
88. Uh oh. I hate myself right now. Back to gratitudes. Um. Um. Um. I’m grateful for money for gas for my car.
89. And tea.
90. And freedom.
91. And sunrise. Every day.
92. And the sweetness of my students.
93. And CoDA.
94. And hope. Hope.
95. And that I’m not alone in cyber-space.
96. And blankets.
97. And bookcases.
98. And trees. I love trees. Always have.
99. And indoor plants.
100. And whole-grain pasta.
CoDA Moning Work Today
I am to say it so:
Thank you, God, for this day.
I woke up and I feel:
Regretful, Sad, Lonely, Ill, Bewildered, Disturbed, Encumbered, Hindered, Bothered, Envious, Estranged, Burdened, Downtrodden, Alone, Disconnected, Jittery, Anxious, Worried
And
Defeated, willing
And
Grateful, Sacred, Blessed, Healthy, Recharged, Open
I think it is because:
First stuff: J, marriage situation, what I feel I've done to my life, fearful about my future, not liking the day, every day now
Second stuff: food. Have waved the white flag
Third stuff: Pill from dr. last night has helped raise the ocean floor. Plus I do know I have tons to be grateful for. And I am open to growth.
Thank you, Jesus, for help with these things.
Thank you, God, for this day.
I woke up and I feel:
Regretful, Sad, Lonely, Ill, Bewildered, Disturbed, Encumbered, Hindered, Bothered, Envious, Estranged, Burdened, Downtrodden, Alone, Disconnected, Jittery, Anxious, Worried
And
Defeated, willing
And
Grateful, Sacred, Blessed, Healthy, Recharged, Open
I think it is because:
First stuff: J, marriage situation, what I feel I've done to my life, fearful about my future, not liking the day, every day now
Second stuff: food. Have waved the white flag
Third stuff: Pill from dr. last night has helped raise the ocean floor. Plus I do know I have tons to be grateful for. And I am open to growth.
Thank you, Jesus, for help with these things.
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