Grats

I am grateful:

1. Today’s For Today: “We shall sooner have the fowl by hatching the egg than by smashing it.” Abraham Lincoln
2. “It is impossible to hurry some things.
3. “If I am abstinent, I will lose weight.
4. “If I push and shove and spin my wheels, it is only an appearance of activity that accomplishes nothing.
5. “When I want a defect removed before its time, when I want more growth, when I want things to go my way, I remember that life is on God’s timetable, not mine.” I don’t get why that is so. But I’m sure it’s important.
6. “Patience is a part of humility, of tempering ‘I want’ with a willingness to wait.” But the hardest part of waiting is not knowing. It’s easy to wait if you know it will come. I don’t know. I know it’s important to read this though, so I’m grateful.
7. “For today: I remind myself that drawing up a timetable can doom me to failure, just as goals of perfection have done.
8. “I do not set myself up for this anymore.”
9. Today’s Voices of Recovery. Very good – “I can hold onto fear that serves the purpose of keeping compulsion alive, or I can turn my life – one moment at a time – over to my Higher Power.” For Today p. 104
10. “Fear and anxiety have haunted my entire life.
11. “They have also been a constant challenge in my recovery from compulsive overeating.
12. “Forming a relationship with a Higher Power, whom I call God, has resulted in several years of abstinence
13. “and an ability to walk through fearful situation.
14. “in order to grow emotionally and spiritually, I need to take risks;
15. “that brings up fear.
16. “but I have learned that it does not matter how afraid I am.
17. “I can show up anyway.
18. “I pray and ask God to help me,
19. “and I’ve never been disappointed.
20. “Each time I conquer something that I am afraid to do, it boosts my self-esteem and enables me to take the next risk.
21. “The combination of abstinence and a reliance on God has given me courage.
22. “I will never be without fear, but with God’s help, I have been able to face my fears abstinently
23. “and accomplish things I never thought possible.”
24. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I have a spiritual connection.
25. “I am scared, worried, and don’t know what to do, so I’m working the Eleventh Step.
26. “It’s one of my favorites. I ask ‘only for knowledge of God’s will’ for me
27. “and ‘the power to carry that out.’
28. “When I listen and am open to being guided, it works!
29. “My Higher Power is here.
30. “There’s no doubt in my mind.
31. “I’m so grateful for this Step.”
32. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “We cannot afford to put our needs on hold, waiting for another person to fulfill us, make our life better, or come around and be who and what we want that person to be.” That’s important. But I don’t know anything else to do. I’ll keep reading.
33. “That will create resentment, hostility, an unhealthy dependency, and a mess to deal with later on.
34. “If we have decided we want a particular relationship or want to wait about making a decision in a particular relationship, then we must go on with our own life in the interim.” Well, I mean I *am * doing that to an extent. Working, seeing friends, going out, plus reading and piano, taking care of my eating and how I look…
35. “That can be hard.
36. “It can feel natural to put our life on hold.” Yes, it is important for me to read that this is a problem. And I do have this problem.
37. “That is when we get caught up in the codependent beliefs: That person can make me happy…I need that particular person to do a particular thing in order to be happy…
38. “That’s a circumstance that can hook our low self-esteem, our self-doubt, and our tendency to neglect ourselves.” It’s important for me to see that this exists for others too. To feel understood by this program.
39. “We can get into this situation in a number of ways. We can do this waiting for a letter,” I’ve done that. Years ago. Different person.
40. “waiting for a job, waiting for a person,” Yup.
41. “waiting for an event.” Yup. And waiting for an event to pass.
42. “We do not have to put our life on hold.” It says that. We don’t? Well, it says that.
43. “There will be repercussions from doing this.” I know.
44. “Go on with your life.” But I feel like I don’t have a life. Keep reading.
45. “Go on with your life. Take life a day at a time.” Okay.
46. “What is something I could be doing now to take care of myself, make myself feel better, get my needs met in an appropriate, healthy way?” Clean. But I want J to help : ( So codependent.
47. “How can I own my power to take care of myself, despite what the other person is or isn’t doing?” Wow. I’ve been hoping this new pill will help with that.
48. “What will happen if I break the system and begin taking care of myself.” Great question. I guess my fear is what will happen is that I’ll have nothing else hanging over my head, and then I’ll realize fully, with proof, that I am empty.
49. “Sometimes, we get the answer we want immediately. Sometimes, we wait for a while. Sometimes, things don’t work our exactly the way we hoped. But they always work out for good, and often better than we expected.” I’m only grateful for the last part of that sentence.
50. “And in the meantime, we have manifested love for ourselves by living our own life and taking the control away from others.
51. “That always comes back to us tenfold, because when we actually manifest love for ourselves, we give our Higher Power, other people, and the Universe permission to send us the love we want and need.” Okaaaay…
52. “Stopping living our life to make a thing happen doesn’t work.
53. “All it does is make us miserable, because we have stopped living our life.”
54. “Today, I will force myself, if necessary, to live my own life. I will act in my own best interest, in a way that reflects self-love.
55. “If I have given power or control of my life to someone other than myself, and someone besides a Power greater than myself, I will take it back.
56. “I will begin acting in my own best interests, even if it feels awkward to do that.”
57. I’m in trouble here. Gotta keep doing more gratitudes. I am grateful for my ability to breathe on my own.
58. And my eyesight.
59. And this anti-depressant, which may help.
60. And that so many of my students believe in the tooth fairy, Santa, etc.
61. And that we have such diversity of religions/belief systems.
62. And my Buddhist name the monks and nuns picked for me: True Compassion of the Heart.
63. Humor
64. MA
65. That I’ll work today. Without it I think I’d go crazy.
66. People who read my blog.
67. Will call sponsor in few minutes.
68. Typing.
69. That I put much-needed gas in the car yesterday.
70. That I’m not a compulsive hoarder.
71. That I don’t panic over the little stuff I used to panic over.
72. Hope
73. Jackets
74. People who care for animals.
75. Vegetables.
76. Fruits
77. Coffee
78. My legs. The strength/walking.
79. Giggling with M’s girls yesterday.
80. Meeting the adorable doggie. I loved her.
81. That she was so into me too.
82. Time just M and I in kitchen together chatting over tea while she did stuff.
83. Ja loving the stuff MA and I gave her and saying something I said to her helped her look at her coming heart surgery with much less fear.
84. That I can go or not go to he work party today.
85. That I gave the kids a great day yesterday.
86. That even though one was obnoxious, and a couple were crazy, the conferences went well yesterday and are about a third done.
87. Showers
88. J
89. Beaches
90. Pools
91. Sunrise
92. Water to drink
93. Microwave in classroom
94. And leaving it unplugged except the few minutes a month using, so not really an electricity drain either.
95. Paper
96. Colored pencils.
97. Highlighters
98. Sofas
99. Hope. Hope hope hope.
100. Ability to speak. I remember when I didn’t have it.
Ji and all he did for me.