CoDA Work This Morning

Thank you, God, for this day.

I woke up and I feel:

Despairing, Upset, Toppled, Lonely, Used, Helpless, Distrustful, Terrified, Unstable, Bypassed, Desolate, Dreadful, Abandoned, Unloved, Wounded, Downcast Worried, Powerless, Angry, Jilted, Ostracized, Left out, Defective, Dejected, Hindered, Estranged, Isolated, Alone, Bothered, Encumbered, Depressed, Disturbed, Empty!, Bewildered, Regretful
Ill, Vulnerable
and Defeated, Willing
and
Grateful, Sacred, Blessed, a little Hopeful

I think it is because:

The beginning stuff - it's so dark and lonely here and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and J is pushing about telling my mother, and she'll suffer plus drive me crazy and I feel like I can't take anymore. Plus I have so much cleaning to do this weekend and my throat hurts and I can't imagine doing it. And I just so miss my life with him and miss him and love him and I'm miserable. Also the throat hurting is unsettling plus I've eaten so carefully but haven't lost anything this week. I have figured out that I have made my life as lonely as estranged and miserable as my mother's was at this age, and it's like I had to do that because of the psychiatric thing she did to me... long story have learned with dr...And I'm mad that J did what he did, even though I know it was from his own weakness. And that my weaknesses had me believe...and do all that I did. Also, I feel a bit as if, although I know M. loves me, she almost uses me a little to watch her kids.

The middle stuff - food. OA.

The end stuff - It could all be so much worse. And it isn't. God is here. I will get help. My new anti-depressant has raised the level of the ocean floor, thank God. I never know, as I change and grow, what might happen.

Thank you, Jesus, for these insights.