Feelings

I am scared about all I have to do today. Well scared is overstatement. Nervous. Will do. Then will feel better. I am HAPPY with L. I am fulfilled in so many ways! I am grateful! I am grateful for EJ!

Gratitudes

I am so grateful: 1. L is not as sick as he was 10 days ago. 2. Dinosaurs’ humor 3. I’m grateful for the wonderful Soviet music L shared with me last night! 4. And – that I’ll get to see him Friday! For the weekend! 5. And – we’ll do wonderful things together, as always! 6. His humor! 7. His sexuality! 8. His kisses – omg those kisses 9. His caresses 10. Those orgasms he gives me 11. I am beginning to learn him 12. L is grateful for his dinner last night 13. And his walk yesterday 14. And that both of them led to a nice long nap 15. Computers. For L musically. And for me gratitudinally 16. I’m grateful for that wonderful dish I made yesterday. Concocted, wrote down the ingredients and healthy and delicious 17. Finally! I had a better piano practice this morning. 18. That L filled his pool. It’s like summer is really coming/here. Yay! 19. That L. has so many friends. Including BW 20. And B P 21. And S 22. And J 23. And B 24. And J A 25. And B H 26. And J T 27. S H 28. And his cousins, including A 29. And R 30. And Fr 31. And Ap 32. And that so many people love him. 33. Including me. 34. My lawyer 35. And the good lawyer for my mother. 36. He says gratitudes that has such good friends who call and are concerned about him. 37. And that he’s been able to assemble his library – 38. Ex. 3 shelves full of books on Shostakovich 39. His music library in specific 40. And his music library the music itself also 41. P. S., his friend who provided him with so much of it 42. His neighbors 43. That he and I went to that George Crumb concert 44. That he has lent me two good books 45. Time. Oh, dear Lord, soon it will be summer, and I shall have more time! Some time! 46. Vegan cookbooks! 47. Dinosaur humor 48. That I sent some happy dinosaur thingies to L this morning. 49. And that he liked them. 50. My eyes – I mean shallowly, the look of them 51. My hair 52. That I am off today 53. And that Wednesday, I am in conference all day 54. That L’s neighbor J helps him with the pool and things around the house and pool. 55. And that he is able to pay him. 56. *I * am grateful that L. has so many books. A real library of them. I mean, the house was not BUILT with a library-library – but he has one room off his master bedroom which we call the library and it is walls of shelves full 57. And his office. And his l.r. And his bedroom. All have shelves of books. And all WORTHWHILE books!!! 58. His education. 59. My education. 60. Laughter 61. Cartoons 62. L. says, “I am grateful for the Internet.” 63. I am grateful for L. 64. I am grateful that L’s body tells him when he is hungry. 65. Water. Access to plenty of fresh clean water. 66. I’m grateful that L just found that book for which he was looking. 67. And that he reviewed it for the Journal. 68. Papyrus cards 69. The *time * I spend selecting the one(s) to send to L. 70. That I will – will – get my mother’s stuff to her today that I promised I would get to her today. 71. Spirituality. MY spirituality. 72. Typing. Writing. Piano playing. Reiki. Comforting a child. And an adult. Lovemaking. Hugging. Caressing. Cooking. Cleaning. Laundry. Driving. All the things I do with my hands. So grateful for my hands. 73. Mrs. B, my main piano teacher for all those years. 74. And that I “took over” her studio, with her guidance, when she moved. 75. And Miss U, my first piano teacher. 76. And that despite all my problems – shyness, fear, lack of ability, not good enough at practicing, busyness, mother stuff, end of year work stuff, in course that whole week, . . . that I AM keeping my commitment to O, and playing in that recital. God help me, lol. 77. O 78. My friends, including dear M 79. And O 80. And St 81. And MA 82. And ML 83. My cousins 84. My French lessons 85. And my French teacher 86. Soviet music. And that L has shared some with me. 87. ***The romantic things he sometimes says to me. Oh. 88. And the romantic things he sometimes writes to me. Oh. 89. The 3 cards he has given/sent to me. Oh. 90. YouTube 91. Reba McIntire. I don’t love her songs! But I do love her voice! 92. People who take in foster children. 93. People who adopt children. 94. That my mother’s best friend, M’s brother, who with his wife *adopted FOUR children * , has recently taken in a FIFTH! Oh my goodness! 95. The Red Army chorus performances of Soviet era songs and that L has introduced me to them. 96. Our shares of music. 97. That he is not critical of my ignorance 98. That he shares SO MUCH music with me 99. The time we spent like 4 hours here caressing and listening! 100. That we BOTH play some piano. 101. That my mother is alive. 102. And is getting physical therapy/physical rehab 103. And is happy there!

My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. I am so grateful that I am physically able. 2. I am physically able to breathe on my own. 3. And to see. 4. And to speak. I remember when I couldn’t. 5. And to hear. 6. And to walk. I remember when I couldn’t. 7. And to eliminate. 8. And to eat. 9. And to drink. 10. To swallow. 11. To shower standing up. I remember when I couldn’t. 12. To wash my own hair. I remember when I couldn’t. 13. To shave my own legs. I remember when I couldn’t. 14. To think fully. I remember when I couldn’t. 15. My heart is strong and beats well. 16. My liver functions perfectly. 17. My kidneys are perfect. 18. My blood is pure. 19. My skin is healthy. 20. My breasts are beautiful. 21. My feet are pretty. 22. My teeth are great. 23. My hands work amazingly. In typing, piano, everything. 24. I am not on dialysis. 25. I am not in a hospital. 26. I am not delirious. 27. I am not brain-damaged. 28. I am not in pain. I go through days and nights without pain! 29. I am so grateful that I am not alone. 30. I have myself. 31. And God 32. And Thich Nhat Hanh. 33. And Louis 34. And Meredith 35. And Mary Allen 36. And Mary Lee 37. Stephanie 38. Sarah 39. Oxana 40. Joan A. 41. Cousin Joanie 42. Cousin Kathy 43. Kathy 44. My mother 45. Martha 46. Kim 47. Kairava 48. Lionel 49. John in a friendly way 50. EJ 51. Birdie 52. JJ 53. All my blog followers 54. And everyone who reads my blog 55. And to some degree, Anne, Roberta, Sheila, Sharon, Jackie, Marianne, Lindsey, Jennifer, even Dassi when my mother is ill 56. I am grateful that Maria is my principal 57. And that I can work with others 58. I am grateful grateful grateful for the amazing sex Louis gives me. And I so want to give it to him. This whole one is huge for me. 59. I am grateful grateful grateful for the romantic words he sometimes says to me. 60. I am so grateful for smart doctors 61. Who are also kind 62. Same for nurses 63. And that I got to leave last night. 64. That Meredith is such a good friend to me 65. And that I am to her. 66. Same with Mary Allen. 67. I am so grateful for all the music Louis shares with me. 68. And the discs he has made for me! 69. And that I do listen to them. 70. I am SO grateful for my French lessons! 71. And that I am doing my homework. I love that language. 72. I am so grateful for piano. 73. And the things I learn from Oxana. 74. And for every time I practice. 75. And every time I practice well. 76. And for the phrase, “Viewed form the moon.” 77. And, “10 years from now, will this matter?” 78. I am grateful for life. 79. I am grateful that although there are no guarantees, I probably have more of it. 80. And for every present I’ve ever received. 81. The flowers and flowering plants from Louis 82. The wine we share together 83. The concert he took me too that wonderful night 84. The play he took me too 85. I am grateful for every time a man made me feel cherished. 86. And for not overtaking medicine, but having it when I need it. 87. I am so grateful that Louis will be seeing a doctor on June 15. 88. And that as HARD AS IT WAS, I did the things I had to do regarding my mother, Thursday night and yesterday. 89. I just saw what EJ wrote. My gosh I am so grateful to that woman! 90. I am so grateful to see other countries in my stats! 91. Grateful today to see US 92. Russia 93. Brazil 94. Nigeria 95. Ukraine 96. Venezuela 97. Canada 98. UK 99. Saudi Arabia 100. United Arab Emirates 101. Grateful that I just prayed for each of the people from each of those countries, who have stopped by here.

Affirmations

I am good enough. I am worthy of not being taken advantage of. I am worthy of being cherished. I am cherishable. I am cherished. I am good enough. I am worthy of not being taken advantage of. I am worthy of being cherished. I am cherishable. I am cherished. I am good enough. I am worthy of not being taken advantage of. I am worthy of being cherished. I am cherishable. I am cherished. I am good enough. I am worthy of not being taken advantage of. I am worthy of being cherished. I am cherishable. I am cherished. I am good enough. I am worthy of not being taken advantage of, I am worthy of being cherished. I am cherishable. I am cherished.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. That I managed to do what I had to do for my mother last night 2. That I did come home and sleep 3. That the nurse said to 4. And the doctor said to 5. That j said maybe if I weren’t there every second, like all the other times, she would think more about getting some help 6. That L. told me of the help that’s available, the one I didn’t know about 7. That apparently I’m ready to bump up to yet the next step in taking care of myself 8. That I had nice talk with S last night 9. And I have a good new ebook 10. Readings like for Today 11. And Voices of Recovery 12. And In This Moment 13. And The Language of Letting Go 14. Talking to M. right now on the phone. So grateful for that. 15. 3 more weeks of school. Phew. Finally. 16. Summer IS coming. 17. God 18. Lunches. Every day of my life that I want it, I have lunch. 19. All the fun-for-the-kids help that M gives me 20. And that she’s giving me access to her files this summer! Oh my gosh, what a gift! 21. Phones 22. J’s support last night. 23. M’s support last night. 24. L’s too late but nice when he got it support last night. 25. That I didn’t sleep at the hospital, for once. 26. And that I expect I AM going in to work today. 27. L. just emailed me. 28. I might not see L. this weekend. And although I WANT to, I think this is better for our relationship. I am TOO accessible. 29. That I can cook 30. And I have a stove 31. With burners and an oven. 32. And a microwave 33. And a fridge 34. That I have a whole grain English muffin 35. And it is in the toaster oven right now. 36. That I even HAVE a toaster oven. 37. That I am a self-supporting adult 38. And sat here like such, last night, enjoying a little glass of wine. 39. That I’m finally- FINALLY – starting to feel even MORE like a functioning adult, 40. a professional, 41. an example to those younger. 42. Rather than tap-dancing, “Am I good enough now? Am I good enough now?” 43. That I THINK I am brave enough to go into this weekend alone. 44. Some time to do what need for mother. 45. And to FINALLY put MYSELF FIRST. 46. Clean up 47. Practice piano 48. Do some French 49. Read some 50. Cook some 51. Walk some 52. Be okay 53. ANOTHER part of me says, see L from about 3 Sat through 12 Sun, with S and J for dinner Sat also. BUT – M says no. Let him miss you for a weekend. 54. Tv this morning. 55. Sitcoms 56. News magazine type morning shows. 57. I am grateful for the grace I have now, to say before meals. And this is it, pretty much: This food is a gift of the earth. And the sky, raindrops, cloud, sunshine, breeze. May I eat it in gratitude for those it took to get it to me, especially the farmers. May I eat it in moderation, to reverse the process of global warming. May I eat it in joy. May I see the cloud in my food. 58. That I said it with/in front of L. a couple of times 59. And last weekend in the restaurant with L and S and J 60. And they responded so well. 61. And J said, “That is a grace I could SAY.” 62. And that it does help me. 63. That I am finding myself a little bit. 64. And that although I haven’t lost a pound in 2 months, I haven’t gained. 65. And I think I’m ready to lose again. 66. Realistically. 67. The piano lessons I had as a child 68. How I loved Miss Unger 69. And how Mrs. Burgess became a force in my lfe 70. Exercise. 71. Every bit I’ve ever done 72. and do. 73. Being out of coffee this morning made me feel bad. But I have a store RIGHT AT MY CORNER! 74. And that I went to it 75. And got coffee 76. And for tomorrow too 77. And I had blueberry coffee today. Amazing. 78. And that it was so beautiful out. 79. And helped my mood a little too 80. And reinvigorated me to get outside 81. And especially maybe in the morning 82. Bloomberg’s new idea that restaurants have to put 32 ounce drinks in two glasses. I think that’s terrific! 83. That I am fighting my obesity. 84. That the kids like their lunches 85. That M is having such a great time with her girls 86. That I gave her the money gift to use at Hershey Park 87. That people are working against childhood obesity. 88. Moderation. The concept of moderation. 89. That I have a bit more of it in some ways than I used to. 90. Matt Lauer on the Today Show. I like him on that show. 91. I have THREE calligraphies by Thich Nhat Hahn! 92. And – that money went to the orphans! 93. Books 94. Videos 95. DVDs 96. CDs 97. Exercise DVD’s 98. Exercise bands 99. Picture frames 100. Love.Wherever I have love in my life.

Feelings Work

I feel: Scared about L. Of all things! While my MOTHER is in the hospital! Scared about whatever will be going on with her, how she feels, AND, I say with shame, what I might have to do for her. Grateful for L in my life BUT - needing to back up a little, as I think he has, and is taking me for granted. I don't want to play games. But I think I have been TOO effusive. And made him think I am not as much of a prize as I used to believe I was and he did too. Then again, he's come to care so much for me while I HAVE been effusive. Glad I paid the 15 dollars for that ebook which might help me. Grateful for that phone psychiatrist's advice. Open to the day. CONFUSED! FIVE GOOD THINGS ABOUT ME: 1. I am honest 2. I am trustworthy 3. I am interesting 4. I am emotionally available 5. I am self-honest --

Readings

For Today: It is easier to confess a defect than to claim a quality. Max Beerbohm Ask me to name one outstanding quality about myself, and I will hem and haw, knowing deep down that my best self-appraisal is unreliable. It seems safer to be derogatory than complimentary, to criticize rather than praise. Perhaps it is habit that leads me in that direction. Often i am not conscious of my reproachful thoughts until they are clearly on the surface. Then i turn them over to my Higher Power, ask to have them removed so I may be free to live fully, without either arrogance or false modesty. For today: For an honest, balanced view of myself, I take a few moments in which I free my mind of everything except God's love for me. Voices of Recovery Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." Step Six I recognize many of my character defects when I react strongly to seeing them displayed by other people. When I notice character defects in others and realize that i still practice them myself, even though i don't want to, I know I need God's embrace. For me, the first stage of Step Six is to accept that I have weaknesses and to know that God embraces me nonetheless. In This Moment In This Moment, my life is manageable. When I'm in the past, it's depression. When I'm in the future, it's anxiety. When I'm in the moment, it's MANAGEABLE! The Language of Letting Go: Directness We feel safe around direct, honest people. They speak their minds, and we know where we stand with them. Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they're feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it may catch everyone by surprise. Directness saves time and energy. it removes us as victims. It dispenses with martyrdom and games. It helps us own our power. It creates respectful relationships. It feels safe to be around direct, honest people. Be one. Today, I will own my power to be direct. I do not have to be passive, nor do i need to be aggressive. i will become comfortable with my own truth, so those around me can become comfortable with me. ==