New Category
Things I’ve been noticing
since Wednesday evening, and some “regular” gratitudes and updates I’ve been
afraid to share, too as above...
1.
the pretty color
green on the traffic lights
2.
My car radio
3.
My local public
library
4.
Sitting there
yesterday
5.
The nice parkway I
was on yesterday
6.
The pretty cars
around me
7.
The pretty houses
around me
8.
Birds are flying
all around over my head RIGHT NOW : )
9.
My hour and a half
at the library yesterday.
10.
That I took a
quick shower and put on nice clothes even though I didn’t feel like it
11.
And did the night
before
12.
And washed my hair
13.
And it looked so
good
14.
And a little
makeup both times too.
15.
Just DO it.
16.
The hour and a
half of ~French~ work! I love love love love French
17.
And I learned more
during that!
18.
And I knew when
I’d reached my saturation point for the day lol but really.
19.
Going then to the
health food store.
20.
WITH A LIT
21.
That I had made
22.
A god one.
23.
Sticking to it
(except for a little extra protein, which I did need anyway)
24.
Did NOT feel like.
It was already dark out…
25.
Coming home and
cleaning out fridge – also although did not feel like
26.
And putting away 7
bags of groceries. Again although did not feel like
27.
And then, in large
part BECAUSE of the list and the shopping and the putting away and the eating
well for 2 days, awakened at 5am today with a strong desire for – salad!
28.
Got up and had –
for BREAKFAST – kale and green chard and parsley as described before. NOT for
“diet “ type thing. But because WANTED.
29.
And was good for
me!
30.
The beautiful
green color of fresh produce!
31.
Coconut water 24
ounces free because spent over 50 dollars.
32.
FEELING that I am
really part of something so much bigger. And then my problems don’t feel so
tremendous.
33.
Sleeping extra
yesterday morning and this morning, because my body took it
34.
Composing and
lyricizing a HAPPY song in my dream this am. Wow! Was able to sing it for a
while after woke up and was walking around!
35.
Gonna make a nce
baked dish later today.
36.
While cleaning
kitchen.
37.
Shig tzus
38.
That tiger that
was freed
39.
Those laboratory
beagles that were freed! And homed. And running on grass for the first time…
40.
Just spent over 2
hours on phone with L. Helped him best could with his gf problems.
41.
Roseanne repeats
42.
Gave kale to
birdeis. They LOVE kale!
43.
My mother going
out of her way to call me back and say, “I forgot to tell you: I love you - very much.
44.
KNOWING that I
MUST have greens EVERY SING DAY and MUST get out EVERY SINGLE DAY. Showered,
dressed, OUT. Even if to go to corner. This is a non-negotiable for my mental
health.
45.
And dr said I MUST
do a lot more of the things I love
46.
In looking around
for the things I love, I am seeing so much! My calendar (all senses, really)
47.
Floors
48.
White on house
49.
Yellow on house
50.
Laughter
51.
Books
52.
Tv
53.
Flight cage
54.
Bird toys
55.
Chopin
56.
Tap water
57.
Ezekial bread with
sesame seeds
58.
My Nutribullet
59.
Red
60.
Yellow
61.
Blue
62.
My fingers
63.
My feeling all
nesty last night while sleeping
64.
My pretty smile.
It looks prettier now
65.
Brushing my teeth.
I like doing it.
66.
My doctor’s
amazing help the other night.
67.
Looking at the
why’s of why it seems J is so important to me
68.
What I’ve done
recently. I went crazy the other day and was despondent and really felt like,
I’ll give my all to life til summer. If by August not feel better, will kill
self. L was supportive. A said, “This is a disease you need treatment.” That
was supportive too. Both said MUST tell dr. I did.
69.
I left feeling all
better.
70.
I am trying to
hold onto it. Greens and getting out each day. And cleaning a little something
each day. And doing something I love each day. And taking it easier on
myself!!!!!!
71.
Dr said, “If *I *
were God, and had to choose, I’d say, ‘Save HER! She does so much good!”
72.
And he also said
again that if ever in emergency, would WANT it to be me there, because I WOULD
do the right thing (true – I’d fall apart many hours after but would stay sane
and do right thing – always have)
73.
Ok so I was insane
and feeling like wish weren’t born etc etc etc.
74.
And day before, J
had talked about family money crap reason why “should sign this thing during
spring break” I went CRAZY. To THINK that THEY are worried about ME! And that
he GIVE A SHIT! Ji put the HOUSE IN MY NAME AND THE MORTGAGE IN HIS, and didn’t
blink an eye! And of course I made good on it immediately! So – I told him
everything. Everything I’d been feeling. Suicidal, house mess, … still looking
out for his financial interests, lawyer assuring me he would NOT get what
thinks would… … … He listened. At one point when saw how nice I was, said,
“Wow,” quietly. I was NOT trying to show am nice! NOT trying to threaten! NOT
trying to get pity! I was not TRYING ANYTHING! I was letting out a long long
time of frustration. With nothing to lose. Period.
75.
That was Tuesday
maybe. Maybe it was Monday and then all day Tuesday was when I felt so
suicidal? I don’t remember, really. LOOKING BACK LATER, I THINK IT WAS TUESDAY!
76.
Wed I did feel
suicidal for real (my days might be mixed up. Monday? Tuesday? Wednesday?) But
I called dr. first thing am and said
MUST see him that evening. Anywhere it had to be. Made that aapointment. Okay.
77.
THEN – AFTER that,
I wrote to J. I did. Very short and sweet – just – are you so happy now?
Neither of us was ok. I am a lot better now. Should we consider meeting each
other now and seeing if like…. Very short and to the point.
78.
He wrote back that
wanted me to know he’d read it and would REALLY think about it.
79.
I felt so hopeful
then! But I KNEW this was a problem too.
80.
Well went, and had
a VERY intense hour and a half of therapy. Nd have felt since then that –
whatever it is ti is and I’ll be ok either way. I would STILL rather try with
J. But dr pointed out that he believes it couldn’t work anyway because of J’s
own feelings about self. Still I would rather it at this point. But – I am
moving my OWN self forward. And NOT planning to be alone. Just to be ok. Now.
Today. And someday with J or someone.
81.
And I DEFINITELY
felt: KILL MYSELF? Over J?????? CRAZY! NEVER!!! THAT IS INFUCKINGSANITY AND NO
NO NO!
82.
I need to hold
onto this feelings
83.
I notice pretty
dishes.
84.
And scents
85.
And the sound of
safe airplanes overhead
86.
And bright colors
87.
And my ability to
walk through my house
88.
And my being
easier on myself
89.
And my deep clear
breaths. I am SO grateful for those.
90.
The sound of
M.A.’s voice on the phone
91.
The sweet soft
chirping of the birdies when it is that way.
92.
Their puffy
cuteness when they sleep
93.
The fact that I
have to get up and feed thim and care for them. Keeps me going sometimes
94.
I will go to
library this evening!
95.
I got majorly hit
on at the library yesterday – he wa NOT appealing to me at all and may have been
on meds, but was polite and did try twice, and it made me feel good. That is
NOT why I’m going back! I’m going back to get out of the house and do French
and it’s free. IF I’m up to it later. In fact, I am hoping to NEVER run into
him again!
96.
Vitamin D
97.
Now I will go
clean up kitchen and cook the bake dish.
98.
Aqua
99.
Turquoise
100. Hope
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