Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Making Amends Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. —Step Nine of Al-Anon When we make amends we need to be clear about what we're apologizing for and the best way to say we're sorry. What we are really doing with our amends is taking responsibility for our behavior. We need to be sure that the process itself will not be self-defeating or hurtful. Sometimes, we need to directly apologize for a particular thing we have done or our part in a problem. Other times, instead of saying "I'm sorry," what we need to do is work on changing our behavior with a person. There are times when bringing up what we have done and apologizing for it will make matters worse. We need to trust timing, intuition, and guidance in this process of making amends. Once we become willing, we can let go and tackle our amends in a peaceful, consistent, harmonious way. If nothing feels right or appropriate, if it feels as if what we are about to do will cause a crisis or havoc, we need to trust that feeling. Attitude, honesty, openness, and willingness count here. In peace and harmony, we can strive to clear up our relationships. We deserve to be at peace with others and ourselves. Today, I will be open to making any amends I need to make with people. I will wait for Divine Guidance in the process of making any amends that are not clear to me. I will act, when led. God, help me let go of my fear about facing people and taking responsibility for my behaviors. Help me know I am not diminishing my self-esteem by doing this; I am improving it.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

A Living Program The Twelve Steps are a program for living and they are also a living program. Taking them is not something we do once and for all, but something we repeat over and over in greater depth. They are our guidelines for each day. Our program develops as our understanding matures. When we first join OA, physical abstinence from compulsive overeating may be all we can handle. As we learn from fellow members and are increasingly exposed to the power of the group, our program comes to include more emotional and spiritual elements. The possibilities for development are limitless. One thing leads to another. The creative force that guides OA directs our individual efforts. When we are open to the challenges and willing to give up self-will, we make progress, which gratifies and astounds us. This program not only works as we work it; it also grows as we grow. We thank You for Your creative spirit.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

A woman who has no way of expressing herself and of realizing herself as a full human has nothing else to turn to but the owning of material things. —Enriqueta Longeaux y Vasquez Each of us struggling with these Twelve Steps is finding self-expression and self-definition. Introspection, coupled with self-revelation through sharing with others, affords us the awareness of how like others we are. How human we are. And what we receive from others who respond to our vulnerability diminishes our need for "things" to fill our lives. The love that we receive freely from a trusting, caring friend or group fills up the empty places in our souls, the places we used to try filling up with alcohol or cookies or sex. New clothes maybe even a new home or a different job served their terms as void fillers too. Nothing succeeded for long, and then the program found us. The program is the filler for all times. Of this we can be certain. Time will alleviate any doubts we may have. All that is asked of us is openness, honesty, and attention to others' needs as well as our own. I can share our likenesses and relish whatever differences may surface. The chain of friendship I've created makes me the proud owner of my wholeness. I am a succeeding woman who is moving forward with courage and self-awareness on this, my road of life.

Today's Reading - Today's Gift

... I cannot see The love you offer. —Emily Dickinson How can we make love visible; how can we give it eyes? We can make love a present, wrap it carefully as if it were a beautiful thing. We can make love a favor nobody foresaw; we can fill a cup, prepare a meal, run an errand with our love. We can make love out of real words - in a letter, a note, a simple unrhymed poem. And we can make our love visible with our eyes by making our eyes meet those of the people we love. When we turn a feeling like love into an act, we share it with those around us, and they are encouraged to return the favor, and in this way, the world's storehouse of love increases. How can I show the love I feel today?

Dear God

Adoration Contrition Thanksgiving Supplication A: I worship and adore only you. C: I am sorry for every moment of this precious life that I've ever wasted. Th: Thank you for my life, my parents, Ji, J, L, my gifts and talents, and all my friends and my home. S: Please help my mother. She needs you now, Lord. I don't even know what she needs. Comfort. Peace. Lack of worry. Your will not mine be done. Amen.

My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful for these and more: 1. My naked body. I’m actually sitting here naked right now. 2. That I am APPRECIATING my body. 3. Weight Watchers the other day. 4. My sponsor this morning 5. And that yesterday, I said, “Do other people sometimes feel angry, lonely, bored, anxious, scared, depressed, .. . .?” And sponsor said, “Everybody. All the time.” I asked more and sponsor repeated, “Everybody. All the time.” 6. And today, as I am anxious about getting the classroom done, sponsor talked about anxiety helping. 7. That I am alive 8. That I am healthy 9. That I have energy enough 10. That Sister Sister is on. I like those silly, innocent little repeats. 11. L on phone right now 12. That he is so functional. Like working on his pool 13. And buying lamps yesterday 14. And that chair 15. And putting them together 16. That I feel better today 17. Multivitamins 18. And that I have them 19. Earrings 20. My hearing 21. My eyesight 22. Water. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water 23. Whole grains 24. My feet that are strong 25. And pretty too : ) 26. Oh My, more days have passed. Oops. But I am VERY grateful. For this WONDERFUL weekend with L! 27. And that amazing, too-good-to-be-true orgasm that he gave me today. Oh my. 28. And our time in the ocean yesterday! I “swim” in the sound, and haven’t been in the ocean in decades! It was so much fun!!!! 29. With those boards he bought for us! 30. But – I had trouble 3 x! And in one, when the undertow SUDDENLY got VERY strong, I couldn’t get back in! And L. was further in, and called out, “Come THIS way!” And I called back: “I’m TRYING! I can’t. I’m on my tippytoes already! Help me!” But I am alive. And I am so grateful for that! 31. And that the couple near us, the guy motioned to the lifeguard and the lifeguard gave his attention to me! Phew! 32. And that I made it in without his assistance. 33. I lost good sunglasses. But I am grateful that *I * got up, BOTH of the two times when the ocean swirled me under. (Next time, I’ll be much further in toward shore). 34. And I’m grateful, so grateful, that I didn’t panic! I had an image – not words, but an image – of like popping up and locating the sandy (shore) and heading toward that, even if I’d have to walk underwater and pop up again! 35. I’m grateful that we’re going to the beach in a little while. (But not water today). 36. And that it won’t be for too long, as we’ve never been to the beach with just S and Jo before. 37. And that we’re then going to a VEGAN restaurant! In New Jersey! Yay! 38. And that I had great whole wheat pasta and veggies and wine out with my L last night in the beach community where he grew up (summers – he had a summer house). 39. And that my habit now is pretty much to eat half or so, and give L the rest. He takes some and eats it, and brings the rest home for himself the next day. 40. I am SO – SO grateful that I’ll be working with M again this year! She is SUCH a close friend of mine. 41. And our classrooms are right next door to each other. (Which isn’t always the case when you teach on the same grade level.) 42. And that we will be there TOGETHER Monday bright and early am to put together our classrooms. Which is a LOT of hot, sweaty, heavy work that takes a number of days. 43. And we shall, as always, support each other. 44. I have a feeling this will be the best year in a LONG time! 45. I am grateful that my whole house is in order and cleaned: dusted, vacuumed, kitchen and bath… 46. And that I have healthy food there. 47. And that sometimes I do though have some vegan frozen pizza. 48. I am grateful for the safe ride home last night. 49. And that I feel asleep in the car and L was so accommodating and gracious about that. 50. And that he gave me two coffees this morning. Made them FOR me. 51. And a frozen banana. 52. And later, lunch. Amy’s canned chili and Ezekial bread. 53. And coconut milk. 54. And 5-stage filtered water, ozonated. 55. I am grateful for my bracelet that L. bought me. 56. And even though I can’t find it – it is somewhere in the clutter of his house(!), for the necklace he bought me too. 57. And that my GOLD earrings didn’t come off in the ocean yesterday! (Silly to have worn those!). 58. I am grateful for air conditioning. 59. And texting with O. 60. And that her knee (torn meniscus) is starting to feel better. 61. And texting with M. 62. I am grateful that L and I had great sex today. 63. And that he has been so AMAZINGLY accommodating to me last weekend and this again. 64. I am so grateful for my sponsor. 65. I am grateful for the 5 Mindfulness Trainings. 66. And that I do not have a dread disease. 67. And for L. sharing his thoughts/feelings with me today. 68. And that although I felt like crying over J in the car on the way here yesterday, it passed. Phew. 69. I am grateful that I’ve never been shot. 70. Or kidnapped. 71. Or in a concentration camp. 72. For Papyrus cards I buy for L. 73. That L just said this (end): L: Gee, it’s not turning into much of a beach day. Look at it.” Me: Yeah but you know them. We’ll either STOP AT the beach, or we WON’T even, and will just go to dinner.” L: “Yeah, and we’ll be cuddly on the way down.” That was nice. 74. And I am grateful that we have been a couple for SIX MONTHS NOW! Wow! To THINK that in the beginning I used to say to him, “Every minute you spend emailing me or calling me, is a minute you can’t be meeting Miss Right.” Because I did NOT want a “relationship!” You never know. 75. And I’m grateful that last night, the night of SIX MONTHS together, my L. toasted thusly: “To our six months together. And to six more. And many more after that.” Nice. 76. I am grateful for his, excuse please: tight round high muscular butt! 77. I am so grateful that I have this laptop. 78. And for the passionate kisses L gives me lately. More deep than before. 79. And that, back in March, we sat on his loveseat by the front window and HE came up with a hundred gratitudes. That was SO NICE. For BOTH of us. 80. And that when he told S, and S replied, “How long did it take?” L said, “I was holding Lynn in my arms. There was no time.” Swoon 81. That M is seeing a nice guy now too 82. I am grateful for J’s health 83. And that I think he is on a good path now, at least in some ways. I love him, will always love him. And I want what’s best for him. Definitely. 84. I am grateful for God in my life. 85. And Buddha 86. And Thich Nhat Hanh 87. And that L is so enjoying his scanner right now at this moment. 88. I am grateful that I’m doing these 89. And for the bright colors I’m wearing today. 90. And for color-blocking. 91. I am grateful that, although my knee still hurts, I can walk! 92. I am grateful, so grateful for my eyesight. 93. And my hearing. 94. And my hands 95. And even my hair. I like that it’s a little bit different every day. 96. I am grateful that L says lots of complimentary things to me, like he used to, again. 97. And kisses me a lot. 98. And caresses me a lot. 99. And I caught him staring at me when I was talking to a couple of people he knew, whom I had just met. That was cool. He was looking on with like, pride. 100. I am grateful for the crazy, up and down, probably actually quite normal after all, life.

Affirmations

God made me. God loves me. I can love me. I do love me. I am perfectly capable of self-care. I DO what is right for myself. God made me. God loves me. I can love me. I do love me. I am perfectly capable of self-care. I DO what is right for myself.

Feelings Work

I feel: So much better eating well. Why and what do: Keep eating well. How: Go to meetings, OA and/or WW. Buy and prepare the right foods. Be realistic about it (ease, cost, etc.) 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I try. I KEEP trying 2. I am loving. 3. I am kind 4. I am affectionate. 5. I am kind to other animals, not just humans.

Today's Readings - The Language of Letting Go

Detaching in Relationships When we first become exposed to the concept of detachment, many of us find it objectionable and questionable. We may think that detaching means we don't care. We may believe that by controlling, worrying, and trying to force things to happen, we're showing how much we care. We may believe that controlling, worrying, and forcing will somehow affect the outcome we desire. Controlling, worrying, and forcing don't work. Even when we're right, controlling doesn't work. In some cases, controlling may prevent the outcome we want from happening. As we practice the principle of detachment with the people in our life, we slowly begin to learn the truth. Detaching, preferably detaching with love, is a relationship behavior that works. We learn something else too. Detachment - letting go of our need to control people - enhances all our relationships. It opens the door to the best possible outcome. it reduces our frustration level, and frees us and others to live in peace and harmony. Detachment means we care, about ourselves and others. It frees us to make the best possible decisions. It enables us to set the boundaries we need to set with people. It allow us to have our feelings, to stop reaching and initiate a positive course of action. It encourages others to do the same. It allows our Higher Power to step in and work. Today, I will trust the process of detaching with love. I will understand that I am not just letting go; I am letting go and letting God. I'm loving others, but I'm loving myself too.

Today's Reading - In This Moment

In This Moment, I am aware. The Twelve Promises of CoDA sound too good to be true. But they are promises, not possibilities. One at a time, they seem to be coming true for me. Right now, I'm especially grateful for the fourth one, "I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it." This is about forgiveness. I've forgiven myself for mistakes of th east, but I'm not yet aware enough to completely avoid the old bad habits. Sometimes, recovery seems to be two-steps forward, one step back. This Promise assures me that the more aware I become, the better my life will be.

Today's One Hundred Gratitudes

I am grateful for all these and more: 1. I am grateful that L is alive 2. And that I am alive 3. And that J is 4. And MA 5. And MA 6. And M 7. And St 8. And O 9. And my mother 10. And Jo 11. And S 12. And other S 13. And JA 14. I am grateful for my new laptop 15. And for enjoying the tight feeling of how crisply it works, too 16. And that I had such a great piano practice session last night 17. And for L’s beautiful email at 12:44 am 18. That I am not alone 19. My sponsor, saying today: “You can’t hold onto the railing if your hand is in a fist.” Metaphor him needing railing for steps, me needing to let go and let God. 20. That I was there emotionally for L since he got that terrible news last night about the plane crash involving 2 people he knew. 21. “My” oak tree. I am seeing nothing but leaves and trunk and 2 tiny spots of sky out the whole French window and it is glorious. 22. I am grateful that I went to weight watchers today. Straightened out monthly membership credit card issue and stayed for nice meeting 23. My good soup 24. My good tacos 25. My good pasta veggie protein bake dish 26. My good casserole 27. My new cookbook 28. L. 29. That he sometimes addresses me in an email as, “To the Sexy Lady from the North.” 30. And sometimes, “My beautiful Lynn.” 31. And sometimes signs, Love 32. And that in person and on the phone, sometimes he calls me, “My love.” 33. And “Sweetheart.” Which he pronounces clearly and with meaning, like 2 words. Sweet. Heart. 34. And Honey 35. And often Dear 36. And even Darling 37. And that I call him these things too 38. That I’ve had some veggies today 39. And protein 40. And whole grains 41. And waters 42. And that I have an organic cantaloupe in my fridge right now 43. And an organic honeydew too 44. And organic bananas ripening on the counter for frozen bananas, right now. These are indeed riches. 45. That I have friends 46. That I can see 47. That I have a tv 48. And wireless internet 49. That it is still summer 50. That I have had this summer 51. That I have life. It is a gift. 52. The beautiful weather today 53. And lately 54. My arms. Not so hairy 55. Same with my legs 56. And underarms 57. My perfume 58. And that I wear so little! Lol 59. That I finally washed out my makeup brushes today 60. And I have the new makeup I need, like mascara 61. That I will do my classroom tomorrow 62. And the next day. As much as I can do 63. My new weight watchers signin user name. I love it. This site: http://www.neosannyas.org/names/b/english.aspx 64. That L comes to ME when he has strong feelings 65. That my dr called to explain why he can’t be here again this Wednesday, and apologized and it was a nice call both ways. 66. That next Wednesday I get to go for my one-on-one computer lesson at Apple store! 67. Dr. Oz. I do think he goes overboard and a little too low, but at least he does seem to be helping people with health! 68. Gary Null 69. Prevention magazine 70. Vegetarian Times 71. That I am out having fun so much more now! 72. And WITH people! 73. My mother’s good good great friend, M 74. OA 75. That I MIGHT go to a meeting tomorrow 76. That O will be okay. She is in the hospital now, but should heal fully 77. That I can and will reschedule my colonoscopy. 78. That I am eating better 79. Telephones 80. Cell phones 81. Sheets 82. Pillowcases 83. Mattress pad 84. Even heated one for winter! 85. Heat 86. Air conditioning 87. Red oak floors 88. Thin slats. So charming 89. A fireplace 90. Lots of great things to do. 91. And many which I haven’t even done yet! 92. Prayer 93. Hearing from someone in program today, “I can no longer walk on stairs without the railing. Now I thank God that I can walk on stairs.” Such an example. 94. S’s help the other night when I was crying after that dreadful mother call. Good ideas 95. And my dear L’s beautiful compassion too. 96. That I can drive 97. And have a licencse 98. And can go back and forth over the George Washington bridge, upper AND lower levels now, phobia free! Thank you, God! 99. Same with tunnels, in back of S’s car. And once in front of L’s 100. That I love Jo and am no longer jealous of her.

Today's Readings - Voices of Recovery

"The basic concept of Overeaters Anonymous is that compulsive overeating is a disease that affects the person on three levels - physical, spiritual, and emotional." OA 2nd edition p. 234 Recognition that compulsive overeating is a disease eased my guilty feelings that my inability to control my weight was a moral failure. My understanding of the three affected areas, and the importance of balance in recovery, was aided by a shared example of a three-legged stool. Having watched my uncle milk cows using such a stool, I could see how precarious the sitting would be if one leg were missing or shorter or longer than the others. This helped me see the importance of balance in these areas of my life as well. When my food is troubling me, I know that emotional and spiritual problems are also involved. Getting my feelings in teh open by writing or sharing with trusted others, as well as prayer and meditation, have helped the considerable amount of recovery I have been given - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Thank you, OA!

Today's Readings - For Today

"Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world." Arthur Schopenhauer When i was overeating, did I ever imagine that life could be any different than it was? No; there was no way out, I was sure of it. Sometimes, in a dilemma, I still tend to think there's no way out. I accept that feeling, but today I know it is only that - a feeling, not a fact. My experience tells me there is a solution and it will come in time, as I become willing to let go and let a Power outside myself take charge. Giving up control means growing up my experience broadens, my pleasures expand, my usefulness to others increases and my horizon - like God's world - is limitless. For today: I turn over to God the concerns of the moment, knowing that the answers will come and, with them, a new awareness and greater depth of understanding.

Affirmations

I am good enough! I am I am I am I am I am. I am good enough!

Grats

I am grateful for this and more: 1. That we had a safe trip home last night. L actually thought of this one. 2. Me: and that we had a nice trip out there, too. 3. The sky 4. The clouds 5. L: That we both have jobs to go to 6. L’s amazing fabulous beautiful affection this weekend 7. That all worked out well at the beach yesterday. I was there with L, another guy, one woman, plus TWO WOMEN WITH WHOM HE’S BEEN IN BED. Oy. But it worked out fine. And well. There is NO sexual chemistry between… 8. I DIDN’T like when one sort of lied to me: “When I was at L’s house – just friends! Just friends - . . .!” Bullshit. But I think since nothing ever came of it, . . . 9. I’m grateful that J still helps my mother. She was out of her mind last night! And now I have to emergency go there today! But at least J was there for her also. 10. I am so grateful for my sponsor 11. And my doctor 12. And so grateful for God in my life 13. And that the people with whom I now “hang around” – L’s friends – have such intelligent discourse! About God. About life. About books and films. About ideas. 14. And that they are each intelligent. 15. I’m SO grateful that I don’t eat meat. 16. And that I haven’t given in to the temptation for an egg! 17. And that I can continue to be strong. 18. I’m so grateful for Thich Naht Hanh 19. And that I have been on FOUR retreats with him! 20. I’m grateful that I have come to LOVE Jo, L’s former lover who has been his close friend for almost 20 years now. No jealousy. But I do love her. She is a friend in my life. 21. That L just had that meter work finished. And he was able to get the guy to move the transmitter OUTSIDE – which makes him MUCH more comfortable (water meter or something). 22. I’m grateful that his close friends feel we are in love 23. And that I do too 24. And that I think he does too 25. And that S helps him to know how to treat me 26. And he takes to it like a duck to water. 27. And that I still have my bracelet that he bought me. I can’t find the necklace. 28. That L is making me coffee, right now! 29. The stories L tells me about his family. 30. And that we have some of them in common, with our older Italian relatives. 31. The nice times I used to have with Li. 32. And I’m so grateful that I’m finally able to say that, after all the hurt she later caused me. 33. That L’s friends have an intellectual sort of a quest. So that, they will “confront” each other, like, “No. That’s not so. It’s . . .. “ But it is NOT obnoxious – at all. It’s about learning. And no one’s feelings get hurt. 34. That L is cleaning up/sorting through his dining room stuff now. 35. That I have found these online daily meditation readings! It means I neither have to lug my books here, nor take them out when l is over, nor do without when I’m with him! 36. Frozen banana! He just takes a banana that is spotted (actually he does a few at a time, ripening them from green that way on purpose, and organic always, of course), peels it, and gentle wraps it in a Saran Wrap kind of thing, then puts in freezer. The next day is a creamy, yummy, frozen thing that in my opinion is better – fresher – cleaner – yummier – than any ice cream, vegan or otherwise! Yay. 37. That I just did some searching for Assisted Living place for my mother, who wants one. I am PHOBIC about doing this kind of stuff! So I’m glad I did some here, at L’s. 38. Today’s reading from Each Day a New Beginning – wow! I really needed exactly that, today. 39. I’m grateful that I kind of miss OA meetings. Maybe I’ll get to one one evening this week. I especially miss my sponsor at them, though. But anyway… 40. I am grateful for MA, my dear dear friend 41. And on M’s behalf, that she is now in Florida with her children. 42. This, from today’s Food for Thought. I am really grateful for this: “Most of us overate alone. Learning to live without overeating involves learning to live with other people.” 43. My hands. My God, I am so grateful for my hands. That I use them so well. That they work so well for me. I love typing, for example. 44. And piano 45. And crewel work 46. And needlepoint 47. And knitting 48. And crocheting 49. And coloring 50. And painting 51. And writing, particularly in a notebook with a pencil 52. But also with a pen 53. And writing cards 54. I am grateful for Papyrus cards. 55. And that I have afforded some. 56. And given/sent to L. 57. And even to M. 58. Today’s Language of Letting Go. Wow. 59. That I feel I will really be a good – great teacher this year. 60. That the class looks not to be as crazy as last year’s. 61. That it is smaller. 62. That I can give them more. 63. And not by suffering, myself 64. That the sabatour, B, will NOT be in my classroom! 65. That I have more confidence now. 66. That I will be leaving here soon but that’s okay. Grateful that it’s okay. 67. That I might or might not go with L to his health food store first. 68. That I no longer waste time on the vb (message board). 69. Or hang around, even virtually, with negative people. 70. Or nasty-to-others people. 71. That I am able to FIND the “5 good things about me” for my daily feelings work. It is not as hard as it used to be. 72. That I am sitting here doing this, and can hear L upstairs. 73. That we have grown so comfortable with each other 74. His kisses 75. The romance! 76. That I shall leave him a beautiful card today! 77. That I have a piano! 78. And I bought it myself! 79. Grateful now, later, that after initially getting lost – oy – I got home safe from L’s. 80. I’m grateful that the drugstore is going to deliver the colonoscopy prep stuff I need, and they said in time. 81. And that my mother – well – there MIGHT be hope that I can find SOMETHING to help her not suffer such misery: ( 82. I’m grateful that I shall see my L. this coming weekend again! 83. And that I didn’t accidentally eat today – almost did! (prep) 84. I’m so grateful that I unpacked and put away everything now. Sometimes I have waited longer 85. And that except for some top-of-dresser-clutter, the house is in order. 86. After the nightmare I had last night and the Dr. Phil show today, I am so grateful that I do not have multiple personality disorder or whatever it’s called. 87. And that I’ve never been raped. 88. And that I do not have scvhizophrenia, as my poor mother has suffered with. 89. And that she’s still alive and I’m able to give to her 90. And visit her more 91. I’m grateful for this blog 92. And every person who ever reads it! 93. And the internet 94. And wireless internet 95. And my laptop computer 96. I’m grateful for my desk 97. And my 2 bathing suits 98. And that I fit in the one I wore 21 years ago, which I didn’t for a long while 99. And that L. called me “fetching” in it 100. And I’m grateful for the magazines I have for tonight, and my Chopin book, and my new vegan cookbook which looks so great! And has WONDERFUL reviews from GREAT people! And it is called, Quick and Easy Low-Cal Vegan Comfort Food: 150 Down-Home Recipes Packed with Flavor, Not Calories, by Alicia C. Simpson

Feelings Work

I feel: Like maybe I will be able to give up the anti-depressant someday. I take them about 4 times a week now. But have been able to skip (with doctor's knowledge/permission) for a bit longer than used to be able. Happy with L. Insecure about him toward me. But not as bad as could be. Grateful! NOT looking forward to the stuff I have to do for my mother this week! Or setting up my classroom alone. Oy. YES looking forward to next weekend with L. A bit all over the place. But fine. I think it is because: Still "playing with" the right dosage. Leaving today : ( School starting soon. Nervous about money and house and mother. But doing daily spiritual work and that helps. Next time I will do differently: CONTINUE to just DO more and more of the things I need to do. Period. 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I am seen as a positive person. 2. I am compassionate 3. I am patient 4. I am spiritual 5. I am well-like, so I MUST be nice.

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Honesty in Relationships We can be honest and direct about our boundaries in relationships and about the parameters of a particular relationship. Perhaps no area of our life reflects our uniqueness and individuality in recovery more than our relationships. Some of us are in a committed relationship. Some of us are dating. Some of us are not dating. Some of us are living with someone. Some of us wish we were dating. Some of us wish we were in a committed relationship. Some of us get into new relationships after recovery. Some of us stay in the relationship we were in before we began recovering. We have other relationships too. We have friendships. Relationships with children, with parents, with extended family. We have professional relationships - relationships with people on the job. We need to be able to be honest and direct in our relationships. One area we can be honest and direct about is the parameters of our relationships. We can define our relationship to people, an idea written about by Charlotte Kasl and others, and we scan ask them to be honest and dirt about defining their vision of the relationship with us. It is confusing to be in relationships and not know where we stand - whether this is on the job, in t friendship, with family members, or in a love relationship. We have a right to be direct about how we define the relationship - what we want it to be. But relationships equal two people who have equal rights. The other person needs to be able to define the relationship too. We have a right to know, and ask. So do they. Honesty is the best policy. We an set boundaries. If someone wants a more intense relationship than we do, we can be clear and honest about what we want, about our intended level of participation. We an tell the person what to reasonably expect from us, because that is what we want to give. How the person deals with that is his or her issue. Whether or not we tell the person is ours. We can set boundaries and define friendships when those cause confusion. WE can even define relationships with children, if those relationships have gotten sticky and exceeded our parameters. We need to define love relationships and what that means to each person. We have a right to ask and receive clear answers. We have a right to make our own definitions and have our own expectations. So does the other person. Honesty and directness is the only policy. Sometimes we don't know what we want in a relationship. Sometimes the other person doesn't know. But the sooner we can define a relationship, with the other person's help, the sooner we can decide on an appropriate course of conduct for ourselves. The clearer we can become on defining relationships, the more we can take care of ourselves in that relationship. We have a right to our boundaries, wants, and needs. So does the other person. We cannot force someone to be in a relationship or to participate at a level we desire if he or she does not want to. All of us have a right not to be forced. Information is a powerful tool, and having the information about what a particular relationship is - the boundaries and definitions of it - will empower us to take care of ourselves in it. Relationships take a while to form, but at some point we can reasonably expect a clear definition of what that relationship is and what the boundaries of it are. If the definitions clash, we are free to make a new decision based on appropriate information about what we need to do to take care of ourselves. Today, I will strive for clarity and directness in my relationships. If I now have some relationships that are murky and ill defined, and if I have given them adequate time to form, I will begin to take action to define that relationship. God, help me let go of my fears about defining and understanding the nature of my present relationships. Guide me into clarity - clear, healthy thinking. Help me know that what I want is okay. Help me know that if I can't get that from the other person, what I want is still okay, but not possible at the present time. Help me learn to not forego what I want and need, but empower me to make appropriate, healthy choices about where to get that.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Togetherness In this program, we are able to do together what none of us could achieve alone. We may have tried many ways to control our disease before we came to OA, but they did not work or we would not be here. We share a common illness and a common cure. Abstinence is possible as we share it with each other. The program works as we work it together. Each of us is an individual, but we function best with the support of the group. If we neglect to go to meetings and make phone calls, we cut ourselves off from the strength and inspiration we need. Our Higher Power works through each of us as we share what we have been given. We do not achieve and maintain abstinence by ourselves. Most of us overate alone. Learning to live without overeating involves learning to live with other people. Our fellowship is our recovery, and together we grow.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"Everything in life that we really accept undergoes a change. So suffering must become love. That is the mystery." Katherine Mansfield Acceptance of those conditions that at times plague us changes not only the conditions but, in the process, ourselves. Perhaps this latter change is the more crucial. As each changes, as we all change into more accepting women, life's struggles ease. When we accept all the circumstances that we can't control, we are more peaceful. Smiles more easily fill us up. It's almost as though life's eternal lesson is acceptance, and with it comes life's eternal blessings. Every day offers me many opportunities to grow in acceptance and thus blessings. I can accept any condition today and understand it as an opportunity to take another step toward serenity, eternal and whole.

My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful for these and more: 1. Our couple friends, S and Jo. I am so grateful to have couple friends. And at first, I felt a little funky, as L and Jo were a couple for about 2 years! But that was like 20 years ago, and in his words, “It’s SO long ago. And SO NEUTRALIZED.” And I am almost over it now. Almost. (Still a little funky knowing he’s been with her naked, they know how each other come, …). But really: NO sexual chemistry between them now! 2. Grateful that we had movie and dinner out with them Friday evening. 3. And yesterday evening too. A different movie and different restaurant. 4. Grateful that I woke up this morning. 5. And that L did too. 6. And that we are going to the beach today. 7. And that he just looked at me last night and said, “You’re so *sweet. * “ 8. And that Jo said she thinks he’s in love with me. 9. And S said, in front of all of us, the REASONS why he thinks I am the PERFECT person for L. 10. Grateful that think have been eating healthfully this weekend. 11. And that it is still summer vacation. 12. And that I am here, at his place, on vacation. 13. Listening to Klami (a Finnish composer) as he is at his computer and I am at mine. 14. And that, gulp, I bought the book 50 Shades of Grey last night. I don’t really care about the BOOK. I think it is poorly written. And the sex scenes, well, . . . But I am FASCINATED by the cultural impact – the sociological even that is taking place regarding sisterhood. All over the world! And I want to be part of it. And understand it better. Plus, for junk, the book is fun. 15. And that I still have my good Chopin book as well. 16. Books, in general. 17. That Barnes & Noble in the West Village, that we went to yesterday. 18. And the nice repartee I had with the female and the male employees. 19. Three-way phone calls. 20. That we’re having one right now, with JA 21. Scrabble Blast 22. Shostakovich 10th Symphony 23. And that we’re about to listen to the whole thing here right now. 24. That L explains these musical pieces to me 25. That I have my own “dressing room “ (really a small, hot powder room lol) downstairs. 26. Re today’s reading from Each Day a New Beginning: I am so grateful that I no longer live in a constant state of crisis. 27. And that that proves that anyone can change! 28. I am grateful for frozen bananas. 29. And my doctor (therapist). 30. And JJ 31. And EJ 32. And Birdie 33. And the people in Japan who are looking here. 34. And those in Qatar. 35. And Russia 36. And the US 37. And Canada 38. And Germany 39. And Israil 40. And the United Kingdom 41. And I am still, ever, so grateful that I went to England! 42. By myself! 43. And enjoyed it so thoroughly! 44. And MIGHT next year go to Paris! 45. And MIGHT get L to come with me. 46. Yoga. I don’t like it for me. But I’m grateful it exists, for so many! 47. Tai Chi. Which I DO like for me. 48. My iPhone! 49. And this laptop, MacPro. Wow, for someone not rich, I really am rich . . . 50. I am grateful for God in my life 51. I am grateful, so grateful, to the “followers” here. 52. And. That. I. Am. Not. Alone. In. Cyberspace. Oh, thank God! 53. I am grateful for the internet 54. And blogs 55. Paintings 56. Acrylic paint 57. That B won’t be my aide next year! 58. And neither with K! Yay. 59. I am grateful for Papyrus cards. 60. And each one I have sent/given to L. 61. And for my Reiki master. Oh, how I love her. She is an extraordinary person, truly. 62. And I am grateful on behalf on every person who has gotten to be with her. 63. Russian music 64. My piano 65. That I bought it myself 66. That I got TWO rounds of applause at the piano recital! 67. Apps 68. Especially GPS 69. And flashlight 70. And mirror 71. Combs. Really 72. And that I have a working hair dryer. I remember when I didn’t. (though I use it infrequently) 73. And a curling iron (thought I use it even less! Lol) 74. And a round brush. 75. And pretty hair 76. And am finally comfortable in his quirky shower. 77. Typing. That I can do it. 78. And that I enjoy it so much. 79. That L and I both have things we LOVE to do on the computers in the morning, and can thus spend the time this way 80. That he listens. 81. And that I do too. 82. Microphones 83. That I “accept L’s quirks,” as S says 84. O 85. Folky music of different countries. 86. The Five Mindfulness Trainings. 87. And that L and I read them together recently. 88. And M and I did, a few times. 89. And that I sent to Jo, as per her request. 90. Math. Yup, really. Especially teaching elementary math 91. That I am literate! 92. Composers 93. Artists 94. Independent film theaters 95. Independent films 96. Restaurants that are vegan-friendly! 97. Dogs 98. All people who are kind to dogs 99. My little doggie, and all the joy she has brought me. Even though I don’t have her anymore. 100. That I am a vegan.

Affirmations

I am wonderful God made me I am pretty I am smart I am nice I am worthwhile I am happy I am wonderful God made me I am pretty I am smart I am nice I am worthwhile I am happy I am wonderful God made me I am pretty I am smart I am nice I am worthwhile I am happy I am desirable I am desirable I am desirable

Feelings Work

I feel: Good. Happy. Content. Grateful. Sexually desirable by L. Phew. Healthy. I think it is because: I expressed myself to L last week, and he made some concerted changes. And I must be good enough, after all. And I'm eating well. And I AM kind of away on vacation. Next time I will do differently: Continue working on having more confidence! 5 Good Things for Me: 1. I am open-minded 2. I do not eat animals. 3. I have saved some humans. 4. I have saved some animals. 5. I am generous.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"...to have a crisis and act upon it is one thing. To dwell in perpetual crisis is another." Barbara Grizzuti Harrison Exaggerating the negative element in our lives is familiar behavior for all too many of us. But this obsession is our choice. We can stop at any moment. We can decide to let go of a situation that we can't control, turn it over to God, and be free to look ahead at the possibilities for happiness. perhaps we can learn to accept a serious situation in our lives as a special opportunity for growth first of all, but even more as an opportunity to let God work in our lives. We learn to trust by giving offer our dilemmas to God for solutions. With patience, we will see the right outcomes, and we will more easily turn to God the next time. Crisis will lessen in number and in gravity in direct proportion to the partnership we develop with our higher power. The stronger our dependence on that power, for all answers and all directions, the greater will our comfort be in all situations. Serenity is the gift promised when we let God handle our lives. No crisis need worry us. The solution is only a prayer away. I will take action against every crisis confronting me - I will turn to God. Each crisis is an invitation to serenity.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Highs and Lows Abstaining from compulsive overeating does not guarantee that we will always be on an even keel emotionally. We continue to have ups and downs and often we feel emotional distress even more keenly when we are no longer using food as a narcotic. Part of our program involved the striving for balance and perspective. Experience teaches us not to get carried away by either elation or depression. These are moods, which will not last, and we prefer to base our actions on the rational decisions, which we make in times of quiet reflection. Contact with OA friends during periods when we are either high or low helps to put our emotions in perspective. By expressing what we feel, we are better able to deal with it. Some of us tend to make calls when we are up and others of us reach for help when we are down. Ideally, we will make contact both times so that we may strengthen each other and learn not to be overwhelmed by mood swings. May I remember that You can control my highs and my lows.

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Letting Go of Shame Shame is that dark, powerful feeling that holds us back. Yes, shame can stop us from acting inappropriately. But many of us have learned to attach shame to healthy behaviors that are in our best interest. In dysfunctional families, shame can be tagged to healthy behaviors such as talking about feelings, making choices, taking care of ourselves, having fun, being successful, or even feeling good about ourselves. Shame may have been attached to asking for what we want and need, to communicating directly and honestly, and to giving and receiving love. Sometimes shame disguises itself as fear, rage, indifference, or a need to run and hide, wrote Stephanie E. But if it feels dark and makes us feel bad about being who we are, it's probably shame. In recovery, we are learning to identify shame. When we can recognize it, we can begin to let go of it. We can love and accept ourselves - starting now. We have a right to be, to be here, and to be who we are. And we don't ever have to let shame tell us any differently. Today, I will attack and conquer the shame in my life.

My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful for these and more: 1. That L was SO affectionate last night! 2. And SO sexual this morning 3. That HE INITIATED! 4. That he is trying EVERYTHING. Like, a friend told me that he told him about opening car doors, and he ALWAYS does that for me now! 5. I am so grateful that I am happy with him. 6. And that I have bought 5 pair of comfy shoes and sneakers! Because apparently, on the weekends, I am often a “city girl.” For anyone who hasn’t experience with New York City, those people are FAST! I am, at heart, a – well – I don’t know. A suburban girl, I suppose! Who loves the country and loves the city, but a suburban girl. Used to riding in CARS. Not RUNNING for subways and busses etc.! So, I finally have comfy shoes that are cute too. And of course, shoes LAST. Especially me. I am very easy on shoes. (And jewelry). So I can afford to spend. 7. PLUS they were on a GREAT sale! 50 – 70 percent off! 8. I am grateful that I FINALLY had the wherewithal to empty the thing hanging on the inside of what used to be J’s closet door. And put my shoes in there. No more loose shoes and/or boxes out on the floor and/or cluttered floor of closet. It is a very small house, with only 2 teeny closets total, the little tiny closet floor space is prime real estate indeed! 9. I am grateful that I have made coffee here for myself this morning 10. And that L has made a VitaMix drink for himself of grapefruit and lemon and cranberries and strawberries and ginger. 11. And that he has offered me some. 12. And that I tasted it and it is delicious and healthy. 13. For the internet. Because I couldn’t come the last two times he tried! : ( And maybe I can find out what to do about it. 14. I am grateful for music 15. Especially classical music 16. And for my newfound appreciation of 20th and 21st century music 17. Pictures 18. Cameras 19. Camera on cell phone 20. My iPhone 21. Photos 22. That L sends me some 23. That I slept some last night 24. That he was interested in my dreams 25. That I am HERE, AWAY, on VACATION, this weekend. 26. That J called to ask if I’d be OKAY if he went away next weekend +, for about 5 days, and turned off his phone. Meaning that anything that happened with my mother, I would have to deal with without him. 27. That I said of course! 28. That although I had a SPECKLE, it was ONLY a speckle, of not knowing – will he be with a woman? Where is he going? . . . 29. And, although I’m embarrassed about this, I’m grateful that it turned out he wants to go to the Buddhist monastery for the few days. 30. That he is not taking my money so far! Oh, thank God for that. 31. That we are being so supportive of each other! 32. That I’m not desperate! Oh, thank God, at long last, I am not feeling desperate. 33. I am not desperate for L 34. I am not desperate for J 35. I am not desperate to not be alone. I WANT to not be alone, but I am not desperate not to! 36. I love sex with L. I love it very very much. But I am grateful that I feel there is so much MORE to US than sex. 37. (And, that I love sex with him, too: ) 38. Piano practice. 39. And that L has said I can practice here. I forgot my music this time, but what fun! 40. And that I told O that sometimes it “saves me.” 41. And that she got it. Nodded and nonchalantly said, “Me too.” 42. That I have found that “Language of Letting Go” reading online today. 43. And the one called “Food for Thought.” Yay. Wow. 44. That I am ABLE to do this happy “work” here. L at his desktop computer doing his music stuff, and me at my laptop doing this. 45. That I am really excited about EXERCISE! 46. And have some equipment in my home! 47. And THREE gyms from which to choose. 48. That I have now found also, the “Each Day a New Beginning” reading. 49. Harps 50. This frozen banana. Wow. I have never had anything like it! It is like a creamy frozen ice cream, that sweet and all. Nothing but an organic banana, ripened to the stage of the skin spotting, then peeled and frozen in like a Saran Wrap. And being eaten the next day. 51. The pretty Russian I’m hearing spoken by a woman, from L’s computer right now. 52. That ALL of those readings today are so great! 53. That I have cooked that great soup. 54. And written down the recipe. 55. And that great taco stuff. 56. And written down the recipe. 57. And frozen some of both! Because when school starts, I might well be exhausted, and this way I already have some good lunches/dinners ready to nuke and eat! 58. And I’ll make a pasta veggie bake dish and freeze too. 59. And I’m so grateful that I gave 3 big portions of the soup to my mother. And she loved it. 60. And one of them was for Ma, too. 61. Plumvillage.org 62. Shostokovich’ 10th Symphony 63. And that I’ve just heard for the first time 64. And the story of him encoding his own signature and that of his paramour into the 3rd movement. 65. And that L is teaching me these things, which I LOVE learning. 66. That my bladder works. 67. And my intestines. 68. And that I bought magazines for the colonoscopy “prep” Mon eve 69. And that O will pick me up from it! 70. That Jo and S have both had them too 71. That if I really do scrimp and save, maybe I can go to France next year! 72. And maybe just maybe L will come too. 73. And even S and J?! 74. Or at least for part of it. 75. That I went to London this year!!!!! 76. By myself!!!!! 77. And enjoyed every moment!!!! I am still so grateful for that. 78. That I might well get to meet L’ aunt. She is quite elderly, and has terminal cancer, but we’d like to meet each other. 79. That I sent Jo the Five Mindfulness Trainings just now, as she’d wanted. 80. And O, the Russian music site. 81. And the info about Shostokovich’s 10th 82. That even at my poorest, I have always had ENOUGH. Enough food, shelter, water, medical. 83. That we (4, L, Jo, S and I) saw the movie, Hope Springs last night. 84. And we ALL, with our different genders and tastes, liked it. 85. That I have a piano 86. And that I paid for it myself. 87. Dancing. 88. That I’ve taken some ballroom dancing lesons. 89. Electricity 90. Lights 91. Eyeglasses 92. My eyesight! 93. Garbage pick-up 94. Showers 95. That I’m finally taking them here, too. 96. That I have a suitcase. 97. And that M bought it for me! 98. That maybe instead of bringing 2 bags, I’ll put everything in THAT from now on. Phew. 99. That M gave me such good advice about L early on. 100. And had me sleep over those two desperate times. 101. And that even her ex was nice to me those times.

Affirmations

Uh oh, here we go. I am pretty I am sexy I am desirable I am highly orgasmic I am pretty I am sexy I am desirable I am highly orgasmic I am pretty I am sexy I am desirable I am highly orgasmic L. loves me I am lovable My girlfriends love me L. loves me I am lovable My girlfriends love me I am a child of God and I am good enough! I am a child of God and I am good enough! I am a child of God and I am good enough ~

Feelings Work

I feel: Disappointed. That I didn't come today, despite all that L. did! Why? That's TWO times now. NOOOOO! Nothing like this has ever happened to me before! Too much pressure putting on self? What to do? Oh no. I am also grateful, and lucky, and happy, and looking forward to so many things, and happy to be here and doing this right now. But distressed about THAT! I think it is because: Pressuring self? Not long enough since last very intense one? Scared that "take too long?" Scared that he is feeling obligated? Not feeling that he really wants me? (stupid) Don't really know. What I'll do differently next time. I don't know! Maybe try to get us to do it at night, in the dark. Maybe find way to relax more. Maybe NOT SKIP my spiritual work. Or exercise. And I'll be in better "shape." ? 5 Good Things about Me 1. I enjoy many things 2. I am kindhearted 3. I am a good enough conversationalist 4. And a good enough listener 5. I am more "on top of" things now. like garbage, and housekeeping, and cooking.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning Aug 18

"Today was like a shadow. It lurked behind me. It's now gone forever. Why is it that time is such a difficult thing to befriend?" - Mary Casey "Each passing minute is all that we are certain of having. The choice is ever present to relish the moment, reaping fully whatever its benefits, knowing that we are being given just what we need each day of our lives. We must not pass up what is offered today. Time accompanies us like a friend, though often a friend denied or ignored. We can't recapture what was offered yesterday. It's gone. All that stands before us is here, now. We can nurture the moment and know that the pain and pleasures offered us with each moment are our friends, the teachers our inner selves await. And we can be mindful that this time, this combination of events and people, won't come again. They are the gift of the present. We can be grateful. We miss the opportunities the day offers because we don't recognize the experiences as the lesson designed for the next stage of our development. The moment's offerings are just, necessary, and friendly to our spiritual growth. I will take today in my arms and love it. I will love all it offers; it is a friend bearing gifts galore."

Today's Reading - Food for Thought Aug 18

"Self-Respect When we were overeating, we did not have much self-respect. Because we felt guilty about the quantity of food we were consuming and the way we looked, we had a very poor self-image. Since we did not respect ourselves, we did not act in a way which evoked respect from others. We put ourselves down and allowed other people to use us. Abstinence and the OA program produce a change, which is often astonishing. Our self-respect grows in direct proportion to the control we acquire. When we stop overeating and begin to live in accordance with the will of our Hither Power, we can accept and respect ourselves. Those around us respond to us differently as our own attitude improves. What we realize is that self-respect and inner acceptance are more important than any external approval or disapproval. Instead of living for the admiration of others, we seek each day to follow the will of our Higher Power. I am grateful for the self-respect OA has given me."

Today's Reading - Codependent No More - So Mindful! Oh, I LOVE This One!

I am at L's and my daily meditation books are home, as usual. But I've looked online! And found this! From "The Language of Letting Go" Aug 18! "Valuing this moment Detachment involves present moment living - living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day. - Codependent No More This moment, we are right where we need to be, right where we are meant to be. How often we waste our time and energy wishing we were someone else, were doing something else, or were someplace else. We may wish our present circumstances were different. We needlessly confuse ourselves and divert our energy by thinking that our present moment is a mistake. But we are right where we ned to be for now. Our feelings, thoughts, circumstances, challenges, and tasks - all of it is on schedule. We spoil the beauty of the present moment by wishing for something else. Come back home to yourself. Come back home to the present moment. We will not change things by escaping or leaving the moment. We will change things by surrendering to and accepting the moment. Some moments are easier to accept than others. To trust the process, to trust all of it, without hanging on to the past or peering too far into the future, requires a great deal of faith. Surrender to the moment. If you're feeling angry, get mad. If you're setting a boundary, dive into that. If you're grieving, grieve. Get into it. Step where instinct leads. If you're waiting, wait. If you have a task, throw yourself into the work. Get into the moment; the moment is right. We are where we are, and it is okay. It is right where we're meant to be to get where we're going tomorrow. And that place will be good. It has been planned in love for us. God,help me let go of my need to be someone other than who I am today. Help me dive fully into the present moment. I will accept and surrender to my present moment - the difficult ones and the easy ones, trusting the whole process. i will stop trying to control the process; instead, I will relax and let myself experience it."

Affirmations

I am a child of God I am a child of the universe I am happy I am well I am healthy ALL IS RIGHT IN MY WORLD! I am a child of God. I am a child of the universe. I am happy. I am well. I am healthy. ALL IS RIGHT IN MY WORLD! I am a child of God. I am a child of the universe. I am happy. I am well. I am healthy. ALL IS RIGHT IN MY WORLD! I am a child of God. I am a child of the universe. I am happy. I am well. I am healthy. ALL IS RIGHT IN MY WORLD! I am a child of God. I am a child of the universe. I an happy. I am well. I am healthy. ALL IS RIGHT IN MY WORLD!

Feelings Work

I feel: Happy that I'm going away for the weekend! So so grateful for J's help with my mother! Honestly, if she dies with any money in the bank that she leaves to me, I have always said, and I still mean it and always will: I will give him half. He has done so much - SO MUCH! For YEARS! BIG things. And STILL IS! Even though we're not together! I am very grateful that I will and do, do the right thing. And that I'll what need to do for self today. And I'm nervous about doing it and that can't, too. I think this is because: I grew up without empowerment. With a sense that, the lesson that, nothing I do has any effect on my environment - on anything. Next time I'll do differently: Keep doing. Not wait so long. And then I'll feel better about myself. 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I keep trying 2. I CAN let go and just enjoy 3. I am a grateful person 4. I have a sense of humor. I laugh 5. I make others laugh and feel good too.

100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful for these and more: 1. Birdie, on my blog 2. That J is helping me SO MUCH with my mother! 3. That I have today, to do the things *I * NEED to do. For ME! 4. That L loves me, I think. 5. That I am orgasmic 6. That my doctor came here yesterday. 7. And it was a very good session 8. That I made awesome tacos 9. That I sneaked in collards! 10. And FRESH salsa with tomatoes, garlic, onions, and cilantro. 11. And even garlic hummus! 12. And LOTS of protein 13. And spices. 14. And whole grain. 15. And yum. 16. I am grateful for the sweet, healthy, delicious honeydew melon I had yesterday and the day before. 17. That Birdie mentioned mindful eating books. 18. The nice specialty cantaloupe I have for today and tomorrow. 19. That I am going away this weekend! Again! 20. Tomorrow = ocean beach with L. 21. Sat. = city with L 22. Then dinner with L and friends 23. Sunday = beach with L and friends 24. Monday I’ll come home and Mon eve do colonoscopy prep 25. I’m grateful insurance will cover 26. And that tomorrow am I’ll take my mother shopping. 27. That I can wear a bathing suit 28. That I’m going out there instead of them coming here, as they’d considered, this weekend. Good. 29. That I’ll have sex this weekend. Yay : ) 30. My sponsor 31. My laptop 32. That my school computer still works. It’s very old and rickety, but if they need to, they’ll repair or replace it for work pruposes. 33. That I WILL get done all I need to today. Somehow. WILL. 34. Prayer 35. God 36. My washer 37. And dryer 38. And place to hang clothes downstairs 39. My dishwasher 40. And microwave 41. That this 100 grats practice is SO good for me! 42. K 43. That I just emailed her 44. That O might pick me up from my colonoscopy 45. That MA calls me so frequently now 46. That I GET phone calls. Not just lonely all the time stuff. 47. That I have the For Today book 48. The book 50 Shades of Grey. I think it’s trashy, but it is sort of bringing women together in a sisterhood sort of way. 49. This, from today’s Voices of Recovery: “I spent years thinking that if I just looked a certain way, ate certain things, avoided eating certain things, I could be happy despite any problems life threw my way.” Yes. Because I was more unhappy when I was thin! 50. Everyone who has helped me. Including K. 51. And Birdie 52. And EJ 53. And JJ 54. And MA 55. ML 56. S 57. St 58. O 59. M 60. Ka 61. My mother 62. J 63. L 64. Sponsor and doctor 65. Principals 66. Ch 67. Ezekial bread 68. Oatmeal 69. Organic collards 70. That the insurance paid people are going to be with my mother for a while, saving a small fortune 71. That she is doing well physically. For today 72. The Roseanne show repeats 73. The Two and a Half Men early repeats too 74. And Seinfeld 75. That I had a GOOD piano practice today! 76. That L is enjoying a day at the beach today! 77. The question, “What’s good for me?” 78. The phrase, “Just do the next right thing.” 79. Thich Nhat Hanh 80. His monks and nuns 81. And particularly the 2 male and one female ones who really helped me personally. 82. Ooh, I love this phrase from today’s Language of Letting Go: “Today, I will begin acting in my best interests.” 83. And this: “I will do this with the understanding that, on occasion, my choices will not please everyone around me.” 84. And this: “I will do this with the understanding that sassing if a thing s good for me will ultimately help me take true responsibility for my life and my choices.” 85. That yesterday I finished that part of the school-work: the deadline part. 86. That I can breathe on my own. 87. That I have plenty of access to fresh, clean water. 88. That I can see! 89. That I can walk 90. That I have plenty of gas for the car 91. That I have a salary 92. That I can save a little bit 93. That I have shelter; a home 94. That I have a voice. I remember when I didn’t 95. That I am a member of the Community of Interbeing 96. That I am not terrified today 97. That I am not lonely all the time anymore. 98. That I have hobbies 99. Compassion, and everyone who has it. 100. The help K gave me in this spiritual work stuff 101. That I might join M’s gym and take dance classes with her.

Today's Readings - The Language of Letting Go

What's Good for Me? When we are soul-searching, be it for the smaller or larger decisions we face during the day, we can learn to ask, is this good for me? . . . Is this what I really want? . . . Is this what I need? . . . Does this direction feel right for me? . . . Or am I succumbing to the control and influence that i sometimes allow others to have over me? It is not unhealthy selfishness to question if something is good for us. That is an old way of thinking. To ask if something is good for us is a healthy behavior, not to be ashamed of, and will probably work out in the other person's best interests too. We shall not wander down a selfish path of self-indulgence by asking if a thing is good for us. We shall not stray fom God's intended plan, God's highest good, by asking if a thing is good for us. By asking ourselves this siple question, we participate in directing our life toward the highest good and purpose; we own our power to hold ourselves in self-esteem. Today, I will begin acting in my best interests. I will do this with the understanding that, on occasion, my choices will not please everyone around me. I will do this with the understanding that sassing if a thing s good for me will ultimately help me take true responsibility for my life and my choices.

Today's Readings - In This Moment

In This Moment, I'm healing. A few months ago, I developed a panic disorder when I remembered my childhood fear of getting polio. When polio was at its height, I was taking care of my younger brother and sister while my mother worked. I was terrified of getting sick, but I had to be brave and keep things together for my mother's sake, I was ten years old. In CoDA, I am healing from my painful childhood. I am learning to re-parent the little one who had to grow up too fast. I turn to the God of my understanding and ask for healing.

Today's Readings - Voices of Recovery

"The problem is with the control of food. Is one preoccupied with controlling food intake to the point that it's interfering with one's life? Just as being an alcoholic is not related to the amount one drinks, being a compulsive overeater is not related to the amount one weights." OA p. 230 The disease makes me preoccupied with food, body image, weight, and control issues. I spent years thinking that if I just looked a certain way, ate certain things, avoided eating certain things, I could be happy despite any problems life threw my way. I thought the reason I didn't have a life was because I was fat. Obsessing about these things however, kept me from having a life. The fat was only the physical manifestation of the cocoon I had built to isolate myself from the pain of living. What I really needed was a Higher Power to control my life and help me deal with my feelings, fears, and insecurities. It wasn't until I gave up trying to control what i ate that I noticed that I have a life to live, and it is a good one. Today I give my life to God, trusting Him to lead me toward what He wants me to do, be, and experience. I thank God for loving me and pray that He will help me love myself.

Today's Readings - For Today

"One can know nothing of [anything] that is worthy to give unless one also knows how to take." Havelock Ellis It's terrible to receive; I don't know what to do, what to say. Whether it's a compliment or a gift, I stammer and stutter in embarrassment, muttering ridiculous but time-honored denials such as, "This old rag? . . . I bought it at the Goodwill." Only later do I realize that in my attempt to appear modest, I have insulted the person who gave me a simple compliment. I like the suggestion of a member who practices tough love: "Say 'thank you' and the shut up." I treasure simple directions I can understand, and the loving OAs who pass them along. For today: I am willing to practice saying :Thank you" until it comes naturally.

Birdie

I just LOVE you!!! Funny about men and reading, isn't it? I love Seinfeld. Thank you for that laugh! Do you have the book titles about mindful eating? XO!

Affirmations

I am good enough. God made me. I am a child of the universe. God loves me. God and the universe are taking perfect care of all my needs. I am good enough. God made me. I am a child of the universe. God loves me. God and the universe are taking perfect care of all my needs. I am good enough. God made me. I am a child of the universe. God loves me. God and the universe are taking perfect care of all my needs. I am good enough. God make me. I am a child of the universe. God loves me. God and the universe are taking perfect care of all my needs.

Feelings Work

I Feel: Un-understandable nervous. But just a bit. Also grateful. Very. And happy that I have food in there for dinner. Healthy. Protein and veggies and whole grain and fruit or vegan yogurt for "dessert." And plenty of water. And I'm expectant. Anxious about whether my doctor (now late) is coming. And excited about the upcoming 3-day weekend with L:) 2 trips to beach, one to city, and some lovemaking and lots of words and caressing and kissing. I think it is because: I need more exercise. I need to keep doing. Doing the spiritual work. Doing the things I LOVE. Not JUST "working on myself." 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I do now, "just do the next right thing." 2. I am patient 3. I am a good worker. 4. I am funny. People always tell me that. 5. I am very accepting.

Today's Readings - The Language of Letting Go

Leaving Room for Feelings We need to allow enough room for others and ourselves to have and work through our feelings. We are people, not robots. An important part of us - who we are, how we grow, how we live - is connected to our emotional center. We have feelings, sometimes difficult ones, sometimes disruptive ones, sometimes explosive ones, that need to be worked through. By facing and working through these feelings we and others grow. In relationships, whether it be a love relationship, a friendship, a family relationship, or a close business relationship, people need room to have and work through their feelings. Some call it "going through the process." It is unreasonable to expect ourselves or others to not need time and room to work through feelings. We will be setting ourselves and our relationships up for failure if we do not allow this time and room in our life. We need time to work through feelings. We need the space and permission to work through these feelings in the awkward, uncomfortable, sometimes messy way that people work through feelings. This is life. This is growth. This is okay. We can allow rooms for feelings. We can let people have times and permission to go through their feelings. We do not have to keep ourselves or others under such a tight rein. While we work through our feelings we do not have to expend unnecessary energy reacting to each feeling we or others have. We don't have to take all our feelings, and others' feelings, so seriously while we or others are in the process of working through them. Let the feelings flow and trust where the flow is taking you. I can set reasonable boundaries for behavior, and still leave room for a range of emotions.

Today's Readings - In This Moment

In This Moment, I feel satisfied with my life. It's the middle of the week. I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow. Somehow, I managed to complete all the week's work tasks by the end of the day today. It's amazing how, if I put my mind to it, I can be very focused and productive. Being in CoDA helps me to concentrate on those things I need to do, rather than looking around for people who require my "help." Working the Steps, especially Step Three, allow me to cease worrying about things that aren't my business. I don't have to be in control. I just have to show up. My Higher Power leads the way.

Today's Readings - Voices of Recovery

"Meetings are gatherings of two or more compulsive overeaters who come together to share their personal experience and the strength and hope OA has given them." Tools of Recovery p. 4 Life on life's terms can make my day feel chaotic, so it is a relief to walk into a meeting and hear the same comforting, familiar slogans from friends each week. However, I've come to love OA meetings for their unpredictability, as well as their structure. Meetings are like jazz improvisation - never the same twice. Meetings have the unpredictability, freshness, and originality that almost make them an art form. When I came to OS meetings, I never know who will show up, what will be said, if newcomers will be there, or even if the group conscience will be followed. Meetings happen exactly as they are supposed to; there are no accidents. They have a life of their own, run by a power greater than ourselves. I can let go of the need to control meetings. My only responsibility is to show up and share honestly about my recovery.

Today's Readings - For Today

"The remedy of all blunders, the cure of blindness, the cure of crime, is love." Ralph Waldo Emerson All growth, all healing depends on love. Love is what God is all about. A loving God - as I understand God - does not preach or dictate or threaten. God is my backer, supportive of me, no matter what I do. God does not make deals: " Do tis and I'll do that." God does not bully or punish or say, "I told you so." God listens and accepts me as I am, loves me as I am. God doesn't give advice. God knows that learning comes only from experience - experience I am not led to until I am ready. for today: God' perfect love is mine any time I am willing to receive it. I let go the God of my childhood and believe, with all my heart, in this God that brought e here and gave me new lire.

My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful for this and more: 1. That my doctor is coming in about 20 minutes. I have only gotten to see him like 2x out of the last 8! (once I was sick, once I was away, and the others he couldn’t make). 2. That I read those emails from L. I don’t want him to think I wouldn’t bother. 3. Music 4. My eyeglasses. 5. My sunglasses. 6. That I will look tomorrow for really cheap piano glasses at the drugstore. Only if cannot get, I’ll get my prescription ones remade. 7. That I worked out some of the things with my mother today. Well all of them. But just for now. 8. That I did what hd to be done yesterday for her. 9. And last night. 10. That I did that school work this morning. 11. And this afternoon. 12. That I contacted O today 13. That I did that work for M, and she did the other for me. 14. That we work SO WELL (!) together! 15. And that she goes on about it too. 16. That I should be going away this weekend. 17. Then Monday I’ll buy the stuff I need for the colonoscopy Tuesday 18. That it will probably be fine. 19. That I have the day off to do it. 20. That I don’t have to worry about doggie. I miss her, but at least I don’t have to worry about her. 21. That J and I have been being so nice to each other. 22. That L is so easygoing. 23. And confidence-keeping 24. And great at advice giving. 25. And at listening. 26. And bought me presents! 27. And says nice things to be about how he feels about being with me. 28. That he so accommodating with his friends. And feels that, “Well he/she is such a nice person.” 29. That part of him that is so sweet to all the little ones. 30. The stories he makes up. 31. His brilliant, truly gifted mind. 32. His ability to mimic. 33. His sense of humor. 34. That he sends me his reviews for that publication and I get to read them. 35. And his movie reviews. 36. And more. Pictures, etc. 37. And has given me three cards. 38. That he reads! Yay oh yay. 39. That he let me treat him to the two gifts and the drinks and dinner on his anniversary – the day he outlived his father. 40. That he has confided in my about some private things. 41. And that he knows I can be totally trusted with them. 42. That he is good with money. Doesn’t overspend frivolously, but does nice things. 43. That he is so affectionate! 44. That we talked over the thing about which I felt uncomfortable, and it got all fully resolved, last Sunday. 45. That he likes dancing. 46. And the beach. 47. And movies. 48. That he is respectable 49. And honorable 50. And fun 51. And sexy 52. And romantic 53. That is so caressing. 54. And loves that I am too. 55. That M and I are so close. 56. That she is keeping vegan choices of food there for me. 57. And is going to give me a drawer during the school year, in case I ever need to sleep over, like on an ice day or something, after work. This is so good. 58. That she loves me so much. I don’t know why she does, but she does. 59. That MA does too. Again, I don’t know why. But she does. 60. And St. I love St. And in ways, she probably loves me too. 61. And O. 62. And my piano 63. And my piano music 64. And my little stereo. 65. So cheap but such good sound 66. And that L picked it out for me. That I gave him a budget and he got it and brought it here and set it up and taught me how to use it. 67. The new book on the Tudors I am reading. 68. That I went to England! 69. Alone! 70. And enjoyed it so fully! 71. And had a safe trip. 72. Both ways. 73. And have never been permanently injured in a car, or any kind of, accident. 74. That I will be okay this year, I expect. 75. And a very good teacher. 76. That I will be exercising 4 – 5 days a week, at least. 77. And meditating for 10 – 20 minutes at least once a day. 78. The sanghas with whom I used to sit 79. That L read the Five Mindfulness Trainings with me last week at that theater. 80. My wonderful sponsor. 81. That I have a washing machine! 82. And it works! I remember when this wasn’t the case. 83. That I made that great soup this week. 84. And have been eating it. 85. And that I made the taco thing today. 86. And will freeze some portions of that too. 87. And that I sent my mother 3 portions of the soup. 88. That taxi driver in England who helped me so much. 89. My oak tree. Oh, thank God for that tree. 90. Birds. 91. Including the ones I was looking at today, in my little yard. 92. Flowers 93. Giraffes. 94. Paintings 95. Good sculptures. 96. That I have been to so many great museums. 97. That O is taking me to the colonoscopy Tues, or at the very least picking me up from it. 98. That I HAVE a job. 99. That I have enough energy. Enough. 100. That I do sleep at night. Thank you God, for all of this.

Affirmations

I am good enough. God made me. God loves me. L loves me. My girlfriends love me. I love me. I am good enough. God made me. God loves me. L loves me. My girlfriends love me. I love me. I am good enough. God made me. God loves me. L loves me. My girlfriends love me. I love me. I am good enough. God made me. God loves me. L loves me. My girlfriends love me. I love me. I am good enough. God made me. God loves me. L loves me. My girlfriends love me. I love me.

Feelings Work

I feel: Content So grateful for the beautiful(!) weather today! Very grateful. In a million ways. Relaxed. Happy. A little bit nervous. Grateful for OA. I think it is because: I have been "just doing the next right thing." And that REALLY is good for me! Next time I will do differently: Not stop! 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I read the Five Mindfulness Trainings. 2. I try to live more and more by them. 3. I am kind. 4. I have a good conscious. 5. I believe it is good to have fun.

My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. That obsessing about food the other day, reminds me now of how often I do NOT obsess about food! 2. My sponsor (OA). Omg I love my sponsor. I am so glad I spoke with today. 3. Some of the things I’ve learned from my sponsor. Including: All fear is bullshit. 4. And Worry is an insult to God. 5. And There’s no problem that God can’t solve. 6. And Every problem has a solution. It’s when I think there is no solution that I go crazy. That THAT is crazy. 7. And The Miracle is that you’re starting to love yourself. 8. And to let God’s love in. 9. And the more you love God, the easier it is to love yourself. 10. And that he challenges people to find something in the Big Book that isn’t true. 11. And this, although it’s hard to hear, but is faithful. That as a compulsive overeater, “You have a disease. Accept it. If you were normal, you wouldn’t have any of these ideas.” (Like fear of doing stuff..) 12. And, “I sometimes have to talk to God Give me the power to do the right thing here. I just wanna write a check. I am a child. I need your help. And that’s okay. It’s okay to need help.” 13. “That’s why we have this organization; cause we all need help. There isn’t one of us that doesn’t need help.” 14. “And I think that’s why God is here. Cause every one of us needs help.” 15. And “It’s never too much for God.” 16. “There isn’t anything God can’t do. There isn’t a problem He can’t solve. It’s when I’m angry at self that I refuse to ask for help.” 17. “You are not stupid. You are a teacher of children.” 18. “I don’t care what anyone else thinks. All that matters is what God and I think.” 19. And “Slow down.” 20. And “There are so many spiritual people around. It’s like a magnet. We attract each other.” 21. And “And the other people are the ones who are missing out. 22. And “I say, ‘Thank you, God.’ A lot. These are all little prayers. The first time I got out of bed (after a physical problem) and I stood vertical, I said, ‘Thank you, God.’” 23. And “I wake up and the sun is coming in . . . and I say, Thank you, God.” 24. And this: “I do not lie. I tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” 25. And: “I’m alive. I’m kicking. I’m feeling well. I have my boyfriend, we’re doing things. Terrific! I have a good life!” 26. And that there are always new problems and new solutions. 27. And that yesterday when I was shopping and came home and made that beautiful soup, and feel like I’m coming back to the light, “You feel the hand of God.” Wow. 28. That L and I had that talk yesterday morning. 29. And he listened. And understood. And shared. 30. And then it was all better. Phew. 31. But I screwed up a little at the end. BUT – I did NOT make a bigger deal out of it! I straighten it out lightly and honestly. Lightly. Me. Yay! 32. That I told my sponsor this morning that L and his friends have always seen me as such a positive person, but I see myself as a negative person : ( but sponsor said, “No one who does 100 gratitudes can be a negative person.” Good! 33. Melon in my fridge right now 34. And healthy vegan taco ingreds. 35. And that yummy healthy soup I made. I didn’t even add the coconut milk I was going to add at the end. It didn’t need it! Yum! And healthy too! 36. That I had a great whole grain (or whole wheat?) vegan English muffin with Earth Balance for breakfast 37. That I was out of coffee. Yup. Grateful for that. Because it meant I went to the store first thing (after praying) this morning. And getting out was – is ALWAYS – SO good for me! 38. And I bought myself the paper! The local paper! That was special for me! 39. That I can practice piano. 40. I am going to the gym tomorrow or Wednesday morning. Yup. Really. 41. That it is so close. 42. And so cheap! 43. And so clean. 44. And I CAN use it! 45. S’s father, whom I met Friday night. This man was actually in a concentration camp. And he’s lost his wife. And he’s 92 years old and in declining health. And lives in assisted living. And is in a wheelchair. And he actually still wakes up every morning and thanks God for the day. What an inspiration. 46. I am grateful on is behalf, that he feels that way. 47. And of course for myself, grateful for his inspiration. 48. And I’m grateful for others whom he does inspire too. 49. I am grateful for the daily readings. 50. Especially the OA ones, at this point. 51. And I think I shall soon tell L about OA and get back to meetings. I did tell him when I first knew him, but he seems to have forgotten. And I have been chicken to do since. But THINK must. We’ll see. 52. Will wait about the antidepressants, though. As per my doctor’s idea. Plus, since L prefers ME to initiate sex more often than he, *I * can choose about when to take and not take. 53. I am grateful that I can afford my prescriptions. 54. I am grateful for my new eyeglasses. I can see! 55. And for my new (and beautiful) sunglasses. I can see: ) 56. I am grateful for my friends. 57. And for L’s friends for him. 58. And for L’s friends for me for now, too. 59. And that his friend J talked to me about him at the party Friday night. Respectfully, lovingly, and helpfully. 60. And that L seems to “get it” more now. About a relationship. In fact, I am probably the one who is more afraid of this stage! Oh well… 61. And that I still have this independence. It would be too easy for me to suck in and lose myself. I am so grateful that I am not. 62. And that this relationship does not encourage me to. 63. And that I’ve lost my jealousy of J-. 64. And I’m grateful for M, that she is exercising. 65. And that I have a house. I went through hell to get it and pay for it, and am so grateful that I did! 66. That I faced the 5 phone calls this morning. And just did them, period. 67. That things are generally, if not always, much less frightening in the doing than in the anticipating. 68. Piano. It saves me sometimes of late. I am so grateful for it! 69. That I love typing so much. 70. It is hours later now. I am so grateful that I did all the things I had to do today for my mother! Some of them SEEMED scary. But I did them. 71. And – they were NOT scary. They were kind of almost pleasant even. 72. And – I ALWAYS – always always always feel better when I get out and am dressed nicely and get things done…Fun OR jobs. 73. I am so grateful for the long and GREAT talk I had with my sponsor today. 74. And that MA called me 75. And that O called me 76. And that M called me too! 77. And that all 3 love me. 78. And that I’m making that scarf for M, whose son died so tragically this summer. 79. And that I made a nice one for L. 80. And that I got him that “replacement” thing from the childhood trauma, from eBay. 81. And that I finally DID GET something from eBay. 82. And that too, was not scary. 83. Most things are quite doable, actually. 84. I’m grateful that my mother looks so well. 85. And that this helper, although too expensive to keep for long, seems SO good! I LOVE her so far! 86. And that J is still being so helpful. Oh thank you God, thank you. 87. And for the example of MA and ML having been such a help to each other for so long. Not too intrusive. But such a help. This gives ME hope for MY future, as I won’t have a me, like my mother does. (I do not have children). 88. And the example of MA’s independence, too. 89. I am grateful that I feel well. Phsyically. 90. And emotionally. 91. I am grateful that I am not in a panic. 92. And not afraid. 93. And not despondent. 94. And not lonely. 95. And not depressed! 96. And not hopeful! 97. And I am grateful that I am doing this work! 98. And that it is helping me so much! 99. And I am so grateful for God. 100. And that I’m going swimming Thursday! Amen: )

Recipes - "Minestrone"

“Minestrone” “Butter” spray in pan/ Then canola oil (Wesson)/ 1 large onion and 3 cloves garlic. Soften, covered, then uncovered, til golden brown Then, in pot:/ 1 box Imagine unchicken broth/ Water/ 1 can Trader Joe’s organic diced tomatoes with jalapeno ?/ 1 can organic pinto beans/ 1 can organic red kidney beans/ ½ bag organic frozen broccoli/ 1/3 bag? organic frozen asparagus, that I cut/ a box frozen spinach/ And add the onions and garlic/ white pep/ garlic powder/ oregano/ basil/ parsley/ sage/ rosemary/ thyme/ Bring to boil./ Then simmer low, with lid askew, for 1 hour and 20 minutes./ Yum!

Today's Readings - The Language of Letting Go

Friends Don't overlook the value of friendship. Don't neglect friends. Friends are a joy. Adult friendships can be a good place for us to learn to have fun ad to appreciate how much fun we can have with a friend. Friends can be a comfort. Who knows us better, or is more able to give us support, than a good friend? A friendship is a comfortable place to be ourselves. Often, our choice of friends will reflect the issues we're working on. Giving and receiving support will help both people grow. Some friendships wax and wane, going through cycles throughout the years. Some trail off when one person outgrows the other. Certainly, we will have trials and tests in friendships and, at times, be called on to practice our recovery behaviors. But some friendships will last a lifetime. There are special love relationships, and there are friendships. Sometimes, our friendships - especially recovery friendships - can be special love relationships too. Today, I will reach out to a friend. I will let myself enjoy the comfort, joys, and enduring quality of my friendships.

Today's Readings - In This Moment

In This Moment, I choose not to listen to my disease. Even though I work the CoDA program, sometimes the demons in my mind pick the locks on their cages. They run around knocking over the furniture, scattering the mail, and teasing the cat. Chaos reigns and I feel insane. I have learned that when the demons of my codependency speak, I can choose not to listen. My codependency tells me that I have no value., I'll never get it right, and I would be better off dead. In recovery, I know those things are not true and so it must be my disease talking. My disease causes me to suffer and feel insane. My Higher Power restores me to sanity. As I rely on my higher Power for guidance, my codependency loses its power. I am precious and free.

Today's Readings - Voices of Recovery

"By following these Steps, thousands of compulsive overeaters have stopped eating compulsively . . . What we do have to offer is far greater than any of these things - a fellowship in which we find . . . the healing power of lo e." OA 12 & 12 p. ix It is sometimes asked which is more important, the Steps or the Fellowship? For me the answer is that the Steps and the Fellowship are like two oars in a rowboat. If I only row with one arm I will go around in circles. Before I was an OA member, i had a copy of the Twelve Steps on my wall. With great enthusiasm i went around making amends and went home to overeat. I'm glad to say I found healing power in the OA Fellowship. On the other hand, I have a friend who loved to socialize after meetings but thought the Steps were optional. She couldn't stay abstinent until she embraced the Steps. Today, we are both among the thousands of OA members who have many years of freedom from compulsive eating. With one hand rowing the Steps and the other hand rowing the Fellowship, I have no free hands with which to overeat. God is on board directing me to the dry land of a contented abstinence.

Today's Readings - For Today

"To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of a total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness." Erich Fromm Am I still using food to avoid my feelings? Does the term, "fat serenity," describe where I am today? If it does, i accept it without judgment. in time, perhaps I will tire of that bland feeling-no-pain state of escape that robs me of my humanity. Perhaps I will have the courage to acknowledge pain, to feel the feelings without reaching for an escape, and to have faith that my Higher Power is directing my life, not i. I accept unconditionally wherever I am today, acknowledging the truth without reservation or recrimination. For today: The OA program, the people and God are all there for me, loving me fat or thin, abstinent or compulsively overeating. Can i do any less for myself?

Affirmations

I am good enough God loves me I love me Life is wonderful The universe is taking care of all my needs Everything is perfect. I am good enough God loves me I love me Life is wonderful The universe is taking care of all my needs Everything is perfect. I am good enough God loves me I love me Life is wonderful The universe is taking care of all my needs Everything is perfect. I am sexually desirable! Any man is lucky to be with me I am a wonderful person I am sexually desirable! Any man is lucky to be with me I am a wonderful person I am sexually desirable! ANy man is lucky to be with me I am a wonderful person

Feelings

I feel: Healthy (yay!) Energetic (yay!) A bit down because I am not FIRST to anybody. Not even L. : ( Wanting more romance and sex Grateful that I have the amount I have. I think this is because: I have not been doing all my spiritual work every day! And I overeat a couples of times this week And I have not been doing ENOUGH for MYSELF. So that causes me to start becoming more emotionally dependent. What I will do differently next time: Do it daily Both the spiritual stuff AND the stuff for self - especially the filling, fun stuff. 5 Good Things about Me 1. I try to do the right thing always 2. I always try to "just do the next right thing." 3. I am affectionate 4. I am loving 5. I am fun to be with, people say.

Hi EJ!!!! XOXO! Plus 100 Grats Today Here

I am grateful: 1. Scrabble Blast wiredarcade free online scrabble 2. Making love to L last night! 3. Gratitudes 4. L’s orgasm. It felt like a good one. 5. Our kisses 6. That I did what I had to for my mother Friday before coming here 7. I am grateful that I got to read the Five Mindfulness Trainings aloud yesterday. 8. And that L did that with me 9. And that, because he pays for everything, I treated him to drinks and dinner last night. 10. And that it was another vegan place. We are so fortunate to live where we have access to vegan restaurants. 11. This pretty robe, which I bought when I was in LONDON! 12. My feet. I am so glad that I can walk 13. Chanel Eau Tendre scent. It seems to be my summer scent this year. I have never had a sort of a scent, a signature scent, in almost 30 years! Back then it was Georgio Armani 14. Armani Code. It was “my scent” last winter. And I think it will be this winter, too. 15. The fun times O and I have shopping together. 16. That she recently BOUGHT ME a bright yellow scarf! 17. And helped me (encouraged me) to buy the two really cheap but cute pink rings. 18. And I am more outwardly girlie because of this friendship, which is both deep and light. 19. Romance. Romance in my life. I have had it, and I have had times without it. And I have some now and I am so grateful! 20. The beautiful flowers L bought me last weekend. 21. The pretty bracelet I love, that he bought me last weekend also. 22. The pretty necklace he gave me this Friday. 23. The lavender soap he had for me for my shower yesterday. That’s 4 little presents in a week! (Although I feel like I remember that he did not buy the lavender soap, but showed it to me in the past as like, a new wrapped soap someone from the past had left here or something, but he says he bought it for me . . . ) 24. That L has instant regular coffee here for me. 25. And makes it FOR me virtually every morning I am here. That’s nice 26. SoDelicious vanilla coconut milk 27. M 28. MA 29. Google images. Like love, romance, couples, … illustrations, drawings, . . . 30. The “picture walks” I make for L and email to him (with little phrases or sentences and google images) 31. I am so very grateful that I can see 32. And that I don’t have to be TOTALLY responsible for anyone else right now. I THINK. 33. That I can drive 34. That my bills are paid. Phew. 35. That I still have time to go in and do my classroom. Somehow . . . I have NO IDEA how I moved furniture last year, without J’s help, but somehow it was done. I THINK, though, that custodian put it back almost exactly where it had been, and unfortunately he, the nice one, has since left! Uh oh. Oh well, WILL get it done; I know that. And am grateful for it. 36. Painting. 37. And my paints. I think I shall go home and use them. 38. That I think I will ask J to re-hook up the little tv in the d.r. Then I can use it for painting. 39. And for treadmill! 40. DVDs 41. That L’s friends are so invested in him being with me : ) 42. I am grateful for this laptop! Even though I can’t fully use it yet! Hope I can get those free or almost free lessons! 43. Classical music. 44. All the support I have ever had 45. That way back when I was desperate for money to finish my Masters and keep my job, I offered to pay my uncle back AT THE INTEREST RATE HE WAS MAKING, and within 2 years, if he could lend me a couple (2? 3? 5?) thousand dollars. I asked this through my mother. I am grateful that I had the courage to ask it. 46. And that she did it for me. 47. And that he said yes! 48. And – that I wound up not needing to borrow it after all! 49. That I can read 50. And write 51. And teach 52. And love 53. Compassion. In every one of us who has it, whenever we have it 54. Honestly. In ever one of us who has it, whenever we have it 55. Laughter 56. Smiles 57. Greetings 58. Pleasant people. In NYC. Despite what some “outsiders” think, I meet more pleasant people! Helpful people. Smiling people. Chatting with me and L people. That’s such a nice surprise 59. That he took me to TWO movies yesterday! I’ve never done that before 60. Sandwiches. I love sandwiches. 61. Gas in my car. Enough gas in my car. 62. That I love me. I kind of do! In terms of my womanliness. 63. And my scents 64. And my wanting to and trying to take care of myself 65. And my growing self-acceptance. 66. That I tucked L in so lovingly last night after his orgasm. 67. And I think he went to sleep happy : ) * 68. And I said I love you 69. And he said I love you too. 70. And thanked me. That was so nice. 71. That I feel so good this morning. 72. Didn’t wake up late. 73. And am energetic. 74. And haven’t been overeating. As hadn’t ever before when with L. EXCEPT last weekend! 75. That I type so quickly and so well 76. And can play piano! 77. And have just recently played in a recital! 78. And will again! 79. And have BEAUTIFUL pieces to go home and work on. This very day! So fortunate to have the fine arts in my life! 80. My Chopin biography that I am reading. It is so good 81. And the Elizabeth (I) book that I just finished. 82. That it’s ok if I really don’t love Beethoven 83. This blog 84. Everyone who ever reads it 85. My spiritual work 86. I am finally ready to exercise daily. Phew 87. That I have a coupon for a massage! From D and M 88. I am grateful that I have girlfriends 89. And that I have learned to be close with women 90. And that I am not all alone 91. And for that little short film by the Harvard person, about orgasms of all things, that they showed before the movie yesterday. It was telling and I’m grateful for it 92. Chairs. Yup. I’m grateful for chairs. 93. And pineapple juice. 94. L’s feet. I like them. They’re so cute and manly too. 95. And his lovely, even, olive skin. 96. French 97. Air conditioning! I don’t use it much, but boy am I grateful to have it! 98. Beaches 99. Parks 100. Doggie

100 Gratitudes Today

I sm grateful: 1. That I enjoyed the party last night! 2. That I looked cute enough 3. That I’m ready to continue losing weight 4. That L and I are going into the city to see a movie together today 5. That I finally saw the movie from the 60’s (!), “Charade,” yesterday! 6. In his bed 7. On his large screen 8. Caressing the whole time. Ahhh. 9. That he danced a lot last night. 10. And had fun 11. And exercise 12. And that *I * suggested it. 13. And didn’t feel jealous. (I couldn’t dance last night). 14. That I told him, the night before last, about my fears about yesterday morning and the things I had to do for my mother 15. And he was understanding 16. And even helpful in a practical way 17. And – said he LIKES when I share these things. WANTS me to. 18. That I DID go there (rehab at nursing home). 19. And met with the social worker at 7:30 am, so could “sneak” in without my mother seeing me. 20. And then with her, in the presence of the social worker. 21. And said the hard things. 22. And stayed calm and said them nicely. 23. And she was finally, finally, able to hear 24. And that I then made the difficult phone calls. 25. And was able to spend over 4 hours, I think, on all of this (thank God for the day off) 26. And got the help secured for her. 27. And am away again, without having to call. Other than honeymoon, first time EVER not having to call my mother. She is safe and I can be away for a couple of days, like last weekend for 3, and not have to call. 28. That L’s friends are SO INVESTED in us doing well together! 29. That they truly love and care for him. 30. And apparently like me very much too. 31. And they speak to him. About things boyfriends do for girlfriends. L is a lovely man. A pure soul. A romantic person. A gentle, generous person. And actually brilliant. But had a certain type of childhood damage that has made him wind up not very experienced in healthy relationships. And they help him. Because they want him to have it. 32. And that they talk to me a bit about it, on his behalf, and how to understand him. But always – always – lovingly toward him. 33. That L. made me a beautiful salad last night. 34. And I shall make that one, with dandelion greens, for myself when I get home, too. 35. That MA and I are so close. 36. That L bought me flowers last weekend. 37. And said something about feeling so good in my positivity presence 38. And bought me a little bracelet too. 39. And when I got here yesterday, he gave me a bag with a box in it. And inside was a little necklace he’d bought me. 40. That I love him. I am so grateful. I don’t know where this is going, and I don’t even know where I would WANT it to go, but I am grateful that I love him. 41. And although they were, and sometime still are, so painful, I am grateful for the lessons I learned from my relationship with J. Like being gentle. 42. And especially, not needing/wanting/expecting someone ELSE to fulfill ME. 43. My sponsor 44. My doctor (therapist). 45. That although my bedroom at home is currently messy : ( , the rest of my house is in order right now. 46. O. I am so glad she is my friend. 47. That L is such a good lover to me. 48. That I basically don’t care what others think anymore. 49. This quote: “The teacher asked the students, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ One child wrote, “Happy.” The teacher said, “You don’t understand the assignment.” The child replied, “You don’t understand life.” 50. Peacemakers 51. Children 52. Poetry 53. Firefox allowing me to insert pics into emails and size them… Safari doesn’t allow 54. Jo – computer techie/friend at work 55. Compassion. 56. This quote: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” The Dalai Lama 57. That although L is brilliant and I am not – really – he is like a genius – I can read more quickly with comprehension than he. Hee hee: ) 58. This quote too: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi 59. And this quote, oh my gosh I love it: The world, we are told, was made especially for man – a presumption not supported by all the facts.… Why should man value himself as more than a small part of the one great unit of creation?
—John Muir, naturalist and explorer (1838–1914) 60. And this: There is no fundamental difference between man and the higher animals in their mental faculties.… The lower animals, like man, manifestly feel pleasure and pain, happiness, and misery.
—Charles Darwin, naturalist and author (1809–1882) 61. Even in the worm that crawls in the earth there glows a divine spark. When you slaughter a creature, you slaughter God.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991) 62. As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991) 63. My spirituality 64. My little doggie, although I rarely see her now. I hope hope hope that she is happy! And I believe that she is. 65. The love for all living creatures is the most noble attribute of man.
—Charles Darwin, English naturalist (1809–1882) 66. Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself.
—James A. Froude, English historian (1818–1894) 67. If you visit the killing floor of a slaughterhouse, it will brand your soul for life.
—Howard Lyman, author of Mad Cowboy 68. A man can live and be healthy without killing animals for food; therefore, if he eats meat, he participates in taking animal life merely for the sake of his appetite. And to act so is immoral.
—Leo Tolstoy, Russian novelist (1828–1910) 69. In fact, if one person is unkind to an animal it is considered to be cruelty, but where a lot of people are unkind to animals, especially in the name of commerce, the cruelty is condoned and, once large sums of money are at stake, will be defended to the last by otherwise intelligent people.
—Ruth Harrison, author of Animal Machines 70. The beef industry has contributed to more American deaths than all the wars of this century, all natural disasters, and all automobile accidents combined. If beef is your idea of “real food for real people,” you’d better live real close to a real good hospital.
—Neal D. Barnard, MD, President, Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine 71. Now I can look at you in peace; I don’t eat you anymore.
—Franz Kafka, while admiring fish in an aquarium 72. I am SO grateful that all these well-known people feel this way and share it. 73. Poor animals! How jealously they guard their pathetic bodies…that which to us is merely an evening’s meal, but to them is life itself.
—T. Casey Brennan (1948–) 74. And this, which I really believe: Life is life – whether in a cat, or dog or man. There is no difference there between a cat or a man. The idea of difference is a human conception for man’s own advantage.
—Sri Aurobindo (1872–1950) 75. Maybe my mother will be doing much better now. 76. I WILL find the strength to continue doing what I need to do for her. I will. With God’s help. 77. Humanity’s true moral test, its fundamental test…consists of its attitude towards those who are at its mercy: animals. And in this respect humankind has suffered a fundamental debacle, a debacle so fundamental that all others stem from it.
—Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, 1984 78. What is it that should trace the insuperable line?… The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?
—Jeremy Bentham (1748–1832) 79. Can you really ask what reason Pythagoras had for abstaining from flesh? For my part I rather wonder both by what accident and in what state of soul or mind the first man did so, touched his mouth to gore and brought his lips to the flesh of a dead creature, he who set forth tables of dead, stale bodies and ventured to call food and nourishment the parts that had a little before bellowed and cried, moved and lived. How could his eyes endure the slaughter when throats were slit and hides flayed and limbs torn from limb? How could his nose endure the stench? How was it that the pollution did not turn away his taste, which made contact with the sores of others and sucked juices and serums from mortal wounds?… It is certainly not lions and wolves that we eat out of self-defense; on the contrary, we ignore these and slaughter harmless, tame creatures without stings or teeth to harm us, creatures that, I swear, Nature appears to have produced for the sake of their beautyand grace. But nothing abashed us, not the flower-like tinting of the flesh, not the persuasiveness of the harmonious voice, not the cleanliness of their habits or the unusual intelligence that may be found in the poor wretches. No, for the sake of a little flesh we deprive them of sun, of light, of the duration of life to which they are entitled by birth and being.
—Plutarch 80. I abhor vivisection. It should at least be curbed. Better, it should be abolished. I know of no achievement through vivisection, no scientific discovery, that could not have been obtained without such barbarism and cruelty. The whole thing is evil.
—Charles Mayo, founder of the Mayo Clinic 81. Truly man is the king of beasts, for his brutality exceeds them. We live by the death of others. We are burial places.
—Leonardo Da Vinci (1452–1519) 82. As long as men massacre animals, they will kill each other. Indeed, he who sows the seeds of murder and pain cannot reap the joy of love.
—Pythagoras 83. When a man wants to murder a tiger, he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him, he calls it ferocity.
—George Bernard Shaw, writer and Nobel laureate (1856–1950) 84. It is my view that the vegetarian manner of living, by its purely physical effect on the human temperament, would most beneficially influence the lot of mankind.
—Albert Einstein (1879–1955) 85. When a human being kills an animal for food, he is neglecting his own hunger for justice. Man prays for mercy, but is unwilling to extend it to others. Why then should man expect mercy from God? It is unfair to expect something that you are not willing to give.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991) 86. A dead cow or sheep lying in the pasture is recognized as carrion. The same sort of carcass dressed and hung up in a butcher’s stall passes as food.
—J. H. Kellogg, American physician (1852–1943) 87. Reiki 88. Compassion 89. My Buddhist name that they gave me, “True Compassion of the Heart.” 90. It ill becomes us to invoke in our daily prayers the blessings of God, the Compassionate, if we in turn will not practice elementary compassion towards our fellow creatures.
—Mahatma Gandhi (1869–1948) 91. That L is going to read the Five Mindfulness Trainings with me, aloud, this weekend. Yay. 92. Kisses. I thank God that I can enjoy kisses. 93. That L. is opening up more and more to me. 94. Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.
—Margaret Mead, American cultural anthropologist (1901–1978 95. TheMan’s mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions. 
—Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., American jurist (1841–1935) 96. There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.
—Elie Wiesel, writer and Nobel laureate (1928–) 97. My hair (superficial) 98. My eyes (not superficial) 99. Treetops. I am looking at them now. 100. Every hand-hold, kiss, and hold I’ve ever had.