50 Grats

Tired.
Sleep soon.
50 grats though

1.    I had a pedicure today

2.    And talked with the women near me

3.    But just a bit. Like quiet time

4.    And they were too busy. So I had to wait. For 30 minutes – in a MASSAGE chair! Yay. Like a free 30 minute massage

5.    And now I feel groomed

6.    Hard morning – but did what have to. Cleared out (most of) car.

7.    Picked up mother and her aide.

8.    Took to lunch

9.    Am ABLE to drive

10.                  HAVE car

11.                  Was ABLE to pay

12.                  Her aide had bought her a new outfit

13.                  She looked so pretty!

14.                  And we all wound up having a nice time.

15.                  I was very nervous. But when went to bathroom when first got to place, sat there to piddle(!) and felt – lucky.

16.                  And we laughed

17.                  And shared stories

18.                  Last night I was upset about something my bitch-sister did. But I got over it more quickly than usually would.

19.                  I take my greens every day now. Like they’re medicine. Cause in a way, for me, they are.

20.                  And – I’m just not sinking quite as low.

21.                  Yesterday. I. Cleared. The. Bed. I have not slept in it since like the end of May. I think it wasn’t that I couldn’t sleep in it because there was stuff on it. I think it was that I piled all the stuff on it to MAKE IT that I couldn’t sleep in it. Well, took 45 minutes. But it is cleared. I’ll be honest. I still couldn’t sleep there last night. Too lonely and quiet. Will have handyman come and set up tv (wires/lines are cut – J was going to fix/ L was going to fix – no one has fixed). I know it’s not mindful – don’t want to need tv to fall asleep. But I do right now. And that is ok.

22.                  The young woman next to me and I at pedi were talking about – we have problems – it’s always something – but BOTH were able to say – yeah – but – look – we’re sitting here in a PEDICURE CHAIR DISCUSSING THEM. We KNEW how fortunate we really are. I’m grateful for that too.

23.                  M is not teaching near me now: ( But we are BOTH determined to stay just as close or even grow closer.

24.                  MA and I are both determined to be closely in touch at leas once a week.

25.                  My students – are sweet.

26.                  On day 2 – the first full day- I fell IN LOVE with them. Don’t tell them, but they own me lol

27.                  My greys are not showing yet.

28.                  And I’ll get to go next Sat, I think.

29.                  I bought some SALE comfy shoes for work. Phew. Yesterday

30.                  And a few SALE separates. I can mix and match and get 6 outfits out of them!

31.                  And did a lot of laundry

32.                  Including sheets and pillowcases and towels too

33.                  I bought my favorite magazine today: Vegetarian Times.

34.                  I have stood up for myself in terms of not being willing to take like leftovers. If a man wants to be with me, he should have to pursue me a bit and treat me like a goddess. It is time. And I will return in kind. Yes. Of course.

35.                  I gave my birdies good greens today (as usual)

36.                  I bought J tickets I had sort of owed it. It felt good to do that.

37.                  But – bigger – to know that he won’t invite me to come along. I did NOT do it for THAT. I did it to do the right thing.

38.                  And – I wrote him a long email. Explaining where I am. Because he seemed odd the last two times he saw me. And the truth is, although I don’t like it, I do finally accept how he feels. This is huge.

39.                  I. gulp. Joined match.com. But it seems nice…

40.                  That I am alive.

41.                  That I am happy to be alive.

42.                  That as upset as I get, I do not upset as easily as I used to

43.                  That I am fearlessly – no really – FEARLESSLY self-honest. My dr. said Wed, “I don’t think you’re going to want to discuss this…” And I answered, “No! We MUST! WHATEVER it is! GO there! We must! I don’t CARE how hard it is!” Well – he wasn’t kidding, and I wound up huddled over weeping into a pillow for much of the session but it was great and honest and “got there.” And when he left I felt – ok as I am and happy where I am.

44.                  I knew I was apt to lose it, and wasn’t so much able to take notes while weeping into the pillow lol but before he left, I said, “What if I forget?” (which I have). And he said, “I will be here next Wednesday and remind you.”

45.                  M’s love

46.                  MA’s love

47.                  My love for M

48.                  My love for MA

49.                  VERY LONG HARD WEEK COMING AT WORK. Here: teach all day Monday then faculty meeting til 5 then parent thing till 6:30 or so/   Tuesday “regular day” /  Wednesday meeting through lunch and dr. after school/   Thursday meeting through lunch and open house late at night /  Friday meeting through lunch and all afternoon. And THIS is the first full week of school!! I was exhausted and fell asleep at 6:10 last Wednesday night! Uh oh. Lol. But the gratitude is that I HAVE the job. And it is a good job. To me that means it feels noble to me (although I believe all honest work is noble). And I am good AT it

50.                  Honesty