Yesterday (and adding to as day goes on)

I felt literally suicidal.
But
I turned to Buddhism. Which was always a help to me and so I let my practice go - oy.
Anyway,
I turned to this and read it: http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/snapshot01.htm
And then I called M.A. and asked her if I could read the Five Mindfulness Trainings aloud to her. Yes. So did.
http://plumvillage.org/mindfulness-practice/the-five-mindfulness-trainings/
THIS is the shorter version, which I have always preferred. (But I use the longer one at LEAST every three months, as from TNH newer and I figure he and the group who worked with him so hard for so long know better than I...) http://buddhism.about.com/od/Morality/a/Thich-Nhat-Hanh-S-Five-Mindfulness-Trainings.htm

Then
although I am not Jewish, I did a Teshuvah. 

And it all helped me.

Today, I did one with J. too.

And a little bit of clean-up.
And ate well.
Now I shall do some more clean-up.
Then shop for mother and do her checks.
Then shop for self and come home.
Give birds millet. Which they eat out of my hand and it brings them AND me pleasure.

Tomorrow is school.
Then J. has to stop by. And - he will bring doggie and I will get to see her (and keep her AWAY from birds! lol)

God, please help me. To continue.
And please help all who are suffering.
Thank you.
Amen. 

--

All I can do is dig out a little by a little.
And be ok with that.
And I am.
So have been doing littles today.

I know some people say stop analyzing self. But cannot stop right now. Can only do, and keep coming back here and fb to not feel alone.
All loved ones busy.
Doing what should - and must - but not in torturous way.
Okay.
Breathing.

MOVING AROUND FEELS BETTER THAN NOT.
Am doing today. Thank you, God.
Remembering when I basically couldn't walk for a year from accident and doctors kept saying lie down and I kept getting worse and worse. And when could walk, nothing felt as good.
Walking was better than standing. And standing was better than sitting. And sitting was better than lying down.
And finally I told a new dr. "I only feel good when I walk."
And he said, incredulously, "You only feel good when you walk??!!"
And I said, "Yes."
And he looked excited and said, "Then walk!"
I said, "Promise? 'Cause no one else would allow it."
He looked at J and he said to me, "Promise. Walk!"
And I got better.

And as I kept moving in the classroom last week and the week before, it helped.
And as I keep moving today (with breaks, yes), it helps.

I have a fear I haven't mentioned here ever yet.
It is a fear of falling into becoming the old middle-aged schoolmarm with the birds, who lives her quiet little life inside her house. Oh God how that terrifies me!
But - that is NOT what I'm planning. What I am planning is this:
* Do my job, this, the hardest year ever (I'm not saying that - we are assured of that) - and do it well for the children (and for the salary too)
* Go through whatever-the-fuck stage(s) I have to go through. There is still time to enjoy life. I must NOT try to skip over anything.
* Keep up with stuff
* Meditate a little daily
* Something social at least 2 x every week. **THIS will make a big difference.
* Piano because it helps me
* Birds for them and me
* Get house fixed - do one can and pay what can-will take months but will be better that way. **THIS will make a big difference.
* Continue being open to dating.
* Continue to help mother. And see her more.
Ok.
Good.
Breathe.

Embarrassed but doing it. Listing friends here (initials but I'll know) so won't feel so alone:
M
MA
ML
St
S
Lo
Le
A
Jo
J
Mother
Marc
O
K
+ maybe future dates

Ok
and students though not friends as they are children are in my life

--

Jeff Foster (www.lifewithoutacentre.com)

A MEDITATION BELL

So much of our suffering comes down to fear of loss of control, a resistance to chaos, a desperation for a new order in the midst of a storm.

But chaos can actually be a great healer. Sometimes the storm needs to blow, the tempest needs to express. Sometimes strong energies need to move and be felt fully. Sometimes feelings need to become more intense before they dissipate. Sometimes hearts need to break wide open. Sometimes old, outdated dreams and plans need to fall away to make way for the new and the unexpected. Sometimes relationships need to change, an old sense of self needs to die, familiar structures need to crumble, even when the mind wants them to stay the same.

We are plunged into the chaos and disorder of not knowing who or what or why the hell we are anymore, desperately seeking something to cling to - we feel homeless and seek home. But the storm contains a powerful invitation to presence, your true home. The chaos invites us to remember the true source of unshakeable power and order - ourselves.

DO NOT SEEK OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF FOR HAPPINESS the storm bellows. You will suffer until you realize this, and then you will suffer every time you forget it, and so suffering is a meditation bell in a storm, part of life's ingenious invitation.