Wow I Have Changed a Lot - for the Better

So I am sick
But went to dr
Didn't wait too long. FOR ONCE.

Got the meds immediately. FOR ONCE.

Do not LIKE being sick and alone but am not depressed! FOR ONCE.

And J did come buy with some things for me - greens, water, sherbet, p.b, toilet paper, and bread.
And that was VERY nice of him!
And I DO appreciate!
BUT
I'm not like hooked on the idea of him or anyone else. I would LIKE to meet a nice someone and spend years and years together.
But since meditating daily - even though for such a short time each day -
I don't think about the future with fear!
I try to prepare a bit for it - started in terms of money however I can, health have just started too, but
Maybe when I'm old (if I am lucky enough to get old), I will live in an apartment or community
with friends all so near each other.
Happy and supportive of each other.
Almost like a commune.
Who knows?
Or maybe I'll meet someone and be with him and there will be extended family for me too.
Who knows?

I mean even L and I are nice friends now. He is dating someone, and I'm glad - that's good. But we are close friends. It's nice.
Who knows?

Another online nutjob - ick - but I didn't meet irl. Could get feel after several writings. And W (attic one) still wants to see me even as a friend, but M says, "You don't need any more crazies in your life."
But like, I'm not so upset about it!

So
Maybe I'll find the "standard" thing I want. Or maybe I'll find an alternative route. Or maybe I"ll invent one lol.

So I am living IN THE DAY. IN THE MOMENT. And not so much extending.

 "She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."

Ernest Holmes

--

Thank God
I am healing now.
I know it.

(Thank God and YOU and irl friends and therapist and Reiki and Thich Nhat Hanh...) And: