Grats

I am grateful:

1. That I confronted D when she was really crappy. Well, she’s almost always really crappy. I confronted her when enough things built up to an obnoxious enough level. I’m glad I did and grateful I had the strength to do it. And
2. that I was not unkind. Just made the point(s) but stayed compassionate.
3. And – I have the sentence ready for when she pushes again. It is not mean. I might even cause her to reflect although I doubt it, but it answers the issue (the issue: I don’t get enough attention. Everyone cares more about M.) I am grateful that I was finally ready to detach enough and be unafraid of reaction(s) enough, while at the same time taking an action.
4. Grateful that the perfect three of the little gifts came the day before yesterday so I could give them to M
5. And that I did
6. And that yesterday, the pampering gift came. So I’ll get to give it to her today. The day she’ll most need something.
7. And that I never ever ever do any of these things in a way that D would ever find out, because I may not like her, but I am *not * looking to hurt her.
8. My stomach feels better. (Not my intestines, but we’re working on that).
9. And my chest. My chest is fine. All those years when it wasn’t. And I now what it feels like now, for my chest to feel fine. Oh I’m so thankful for that.
10. And I just took a deep breath.
11. EJ and JJ. I am so grateful for them both.
12. And – another deep breath.
13. I spent a few minutes coloring a beautiful and complex pattern last night.
14. And I felt like this: I used to feel that something like is just as much a waste of time as like watching sitcom reruns. But duh – of course it’s not. Number one, it’s engaging rather that passive. Number two, the brain is being somewhat creative, which is always good. Number three, it could even lead to other things. The gateway drug of arts and crafts lol. And number four, it is kind of mindful in itself. I’m SO glad for this. The like 4 dollars I spent on that present for myself is SO worth it
15. I said yes to the date. Lord help me: )
16. Oh my gosh! I just checked my school e-mail. I got a LOVELY answer from D. Maybe she IS trying to grow and change.
17. And maybe we (M and I separately) have helped!
18. And that I am able now, to see her as a hurt human being who does the best she can. Just like me. Just like so many, maybe even all.
19. My body and how it works for me
20. Hope
21. Prayer
22. Others who pray for me
23. When I pray for others
24. My mother says she is committed to keep up the exercise.
25. I am too (to mine)
26. “For today: I choose to be happy - and I allow myself happiness."
27. "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Step Two. I really need that one.
28. And that the reading today says, “After twenty-one years in OA, I’m beginning to understand Step Two as a ‘process.’”
29. And that it says, “I struggled for years trying to do it myself: making and breaking diets, planning rewards and punishments, setting goals and never reaching them – always failing.”
30. And this: “Not until I began to let go of my old beliefs and open my mind to new ways of thinking did I begin to understand wheat ‘came to believe that a Power greater than myself’ meant. It meant that God is greater than me,
31. And it says, “that He loves me enough to restore me to sanity if I ask each day, and that I can trust Him to do it. My work is to give my eating to Him each day.”
32. And that: “My work is to give my eating to Him each day.” Wow. I’m starting to understand this.
33. And “His work is to restore me to sane living and eating.”
34. And “The results are His, not mine.”
35. And “Now I’m making a shift from a me-centered life to a God-centered one.”
36. Wowie zowie. Today’s Voices of Recovery says: “for an honest, balanced view of myself, I take a few moments in which I free my mind of everything except God’s love for me.” For Today, p. 153
37. And just when I was thinking – it isn’t possible that we really CANNOT find 5 – 10 minutes a day for meditation. MUST be able!
38. It goes on to say, “I love to meditate to this quotation. I visualize God’s love enveloping me like a warm glow.”
39. “Sometimes I visualize a white light surrounding me.
40. “I can then empty my mind of everything except God’s love for me, leaving me with a sense of well-being for myself and the world.
41. “Problems and difficulties melt away.
42. “I feel intensely grateful for being alive and for all the good things in my life.
43. And “It’s not that I don’t have problems anymore; it’s just that I realize that having problems and overcoming them is what life is about. Why else are we here?” Hm.
44. I just wrote to L. he was thinking I might *think * I have to lose weight but am really fine. I told him no. I’m talking about like 50 pounds. And I feel good that I did that.
45. And that I just ate breakfast.
46. And that stomach hunger pushed me to do so.
47. The sun rising.
48. Hand-crafted furniture. I’m not saying I have any anymore – I’m just saying I appreciate it: )
49. Those who respect me at work.
50. Legos (for the kiddies)
51. Lincoln Logs too
52. Online shopping.
53. And that I’m not addicted to it too!
54. Magnets
55. Teaching. That I am really teaching them some valuable things
56. All the thousands of days that J said he loved me
57. And that I was beautiful.
58. The fucking-hard lessons I’ve learned. But at least I’ve learned them.
59. Life
60. That I didn’t kill myself. I kind of really wanted to.
61. The new calmer tone they’re following in the classroom
62. Eating in the faculty room more now
63. Laughter in the faculty room
64. That I can speak. I remember when I couldn’t. Physically
65. And emotionally (different time)
66. That I can sing on tune
67. And in time
68. The children loving doing the rap
69. Good actors
70. My lungs
71. The sky
72. Hope
73. People who help the planet
74. People who rescue innocent animals
75. People who don’t harm animals
76. That at least I don’t eat them
77. Or wear them
78. Garbage collection
79. Recycling collection
80. Friends
81. Kindnesses
82. Maybe I’ll do the secret buddy valentine thing this year again. That might be good for me
83. Humility
84. A bit of fresh air in our relationship as a team, the three of us: M, D, and me
85. My sponsor
86. That I think that next week I will be able to tell dr. how mad I am at him.
87. People who take care of themselves, and the inspiration they are to me.
88. The inspiration I am able to be for the students
89. Little P, in other class, who yesterday came to me and said, “My brother D? He told me that you inspired him to write.” Yay!
90. Fun
91. Coloring
92. I think within the next two weeks I have a dinner with O
93. And one with M
94. And a b’day lunch for M with D and M
95. And time with doggie
96. And time with MA. This is a lot of fortune
97. And today I take my mother home. And I’ll do something with her this weekend.
98. And a lot of reading to do. But that’s good. It should be helpful.
99. So I’ll stop at the bookstore too. (Must remember to bring the titles)
100. This laptop