Grats

I am grateful:

1. My intelligence.
2. My memory.
3. Talked with L on phone yesterday morning.
4. Our superintendent of schools, who is out there fighting the good fight, often alone. My goodness, I am grateful for him. And that I get to work in such a place.
5. That (it’s still Saturday) I just took my mother to the bank. And I finally deposited A’s check. Phew.
6. And I got the bank check for H. Phew. Last one.
7. And we made it. She clearly is disappointed with the state of her life right now.
8. But – she’s getting a big surprise tomorrow! A 19 inch tv to replace her self-inflicted 13 inch one. Her best friend is getting rid of, and J is going over to move it from friend’s apartment to mother’s.
9. I’m so grateful for all of J’s help in this.
10. And – that I was able to send him the *appropriately * loving, freeing, birthday e-mail.
11. And that he wrote back and started with Thank you. Really.
12. That doggie is so cuddly today.
13. I did the shopping and got plenty of good healthy stuff for me
14. And four things for my secret valentine: )
15. And TWO kinds of flowers. For me. White tulips oh how beautiful, with a little touch of like pinkish violet on one! Put in l.r.
16. And mixed (very inexpensive) few with lots of colors that put in d.r.
17. And both bring me pleasure.
18. And I work hard for my money and am glad I chose to spend some of it this way.
19. Like Jo said, would you do it for company? Then why not for self. Meaning, NOT DAILY SPEND AS IF COMPANY COMING, but in some ways….
20. And now it’s Sunday. I am grateful for this ongoing dialogue with L. He seems like a decent man.
21. I am grateful for the new day. Yesterday wound up being rough, J’s birthday, for me. But today – today is brand new, fresh and shiny, and mine: ) I have a lot to do, like laundry and cooking and a meeting… but that’s ok – I’ll appreciate having these things done!
22. I’m grateful that doggie is here.
23. And I could feel her near me overnight. Well, as is her particular nature, not against me, but if I moved a limb I could feel her : )
24. I am lonely this morning. Very. But – I am grateful because I do have doggie, and I can out too. I am not homebound.
25. And – I have a phone
26. And – I have a program
27. Two even.
28. Okay.
29. Um. Gulp. Nice long talk with L this am on phone. But, well, um, kind of, oh forgive me, boring. But I’m grateful that I believe he is a decent and highly intelligent man, and maybe will become a friend.
30. And maybe MA and he will wind up spending time together. I’m no match-maker, but. . .
31. I’m grateful that I can walk.
32. And that I *will * find a way to get done all that I need to do today.
33. And that I think I will make myself make it to the OA meeting.
34. And that I think I will watch some of the Super Bowl tonight. Just me. Just because I feel like.
35. And that will have to be my date. So, to make it special, I shall put the flowers in the den, and sip Chai tea, with a candle lit (not near the flowers lol) and doggie on my lap. No computer game madness throughout…. I know candles and flowers and red chai tea aren’t typical Super bowl fare, but it feels nice to me. Oh – and I can’t be sitting here all schleppy in ripped jammies or something. Must feel comfortable, but decent. Okay. Will do that.
36. And maybe a little something in one of my French books today. Okay.
37. Breathing better now already, just by doing these.
38. And, frankly, I’m thinking there is still a little percentage of hope for me and J. A little one. And I like the feeling.
39. But I am aware – finally aware – I DON’T *need * him. That is HUGE.
40. And I do NOT want to be dependent upon someone else for my “security” ever ever again.
41. And I would never ever ever have come to that realization if it weren’t for this separation, so in that way I am grateful for the separation.
42. I am grateful for coloring. Aimed at adults patterning coloring books.
43. And that M’s girls know I love them.
44. And I have a little present for each of them for tomorrow.
45. And I got 3 more things yesterday online for my secret valentine buddy at work.
46. And I believe she will absolutely LOVE them!! I’m excited about it.
47. And now, I move to the next level of saving.
48. And I’ve had a thought. That MAYBE I’ll go to Italy this summer. See where my grandmother was born and so on.
49. And even step foot on French soil while there. Must save. Must contact cousin(s) to see if they’re interested. . . or MA.
50. I am grateful that I just heard back from cousin J.
51. And that I spoke with J (real J) this am.
52. And that we are pleasant to each other.
53. Um. Despite my sadness and loneliness, I *am * okay. (Right?)
54. I think I shall meet L at the Met and we will go through the Renaissance exhibit together. In a couple of weeks. That should be pleasant.
55. Playing with doggie this morning.
56. Cuddling with her.
57. “Treating” her.
58. That beautiful dream last night! Swimming and swimming – really swimming, not like I do irl – in a beautiful, clear, clean body of fresh water. Like a sparkling huge lake from a movie or something. And enjoying and enjoying. And realizing after a time: I’m doing it! I’m even swimming on my back. And it’s really deep, and I’m really far out, and I can do this!
59. And the psychological meanings(s) that dream might have.
60. And the little island in it.
61. And the maybe college aged people who were there and welcoming to me
62. And the pretty bathing suit I looked nice in
63. And realizing: oh – I can switch into *this * bathing suit now. I don’t *have to * look *that * way.
64. And feeling so good about myself.
65. And J seeing me that way too
66. And the girlfriends
67. Maybe finally free to be a real person. Whoever *I * am.
68. Everyone – everyone - who has helped me on this journey so far.
69. Everyone – everyone – who helps each other.
70. This is so embarrassing – but I’ll say it – That I’m no longer *pretending * to be living a life. But *living * one. I am so embarrassed that decades ago, I was pretending by living all these “interests,” and I sort of really did believe in them, so perhaps I was actually pretending to myself. But now, I am not doing that, while in actuality waiting for the guy to come and save me. I am REALLY living my TRUE interests.
71. I feel freer now.
72. Oh my goodness, what a deep, audible breath I just took.
73. MA just called. Another deep breath. Don’t feel so alone. Phew.
74. Will bring doggie back to J this evening. Would rather sleep with her again, but morning too hectic for him tomorrow, and frankly, I’ll be glad she’ll get more park time with him because of it.
75. I am very grateful that this happened Friday: J called and said he needed to drop doggie off in daytime. (5ish) I knew I had left some things around because was running an hour behind that am. I knew I wouldn’t let them build, but at the same time I did not want J to see the bed unmade, some things around, the dying flowers not removed from the vase yet… I was sorely tempted to run home between school and time out with M, to straighten up so he’d see “how nicely I live.” But it would have been fake. AND it would have been giving up time with MA to try to impress J, who’s left me. Craziness! Somehow, I was able to resist, and to leave things as they were, and go to MA’s. I felt: “It’s not important to do ANYTHING for HIM to see it! It’s important that I am true to MYSELF!” This was a first, it was difficult, I did it, and I’m grateful for it.
76. I’m grateful that I’m getting such a thrill out of buying presents for people! Really tickled by this thrill of giving! Always was, but this is bigger. Freer.
77. Maybe – maybe – it will be/is nice being me. Wow.
78. I am so grateful for God
79. And my connection to God
80. And everyone who has contributed to it.
81. And for Buddha
82. And for Thich Nhat Hahn
83. And for Kairava.
84. And for Reiki
85. And for mindfulness breathing meditation.
86. And for the growl my stomach just did. I shall legitimately have breakfast now: )
87. And for the yummy and well-priced orange I ate yesterday.
88. And for people who help the hungry (including me – I give).
89. And for gorillas
90. And zebras
91. And tigers
92. And land
93. And trees
94. And clouds
95. And everyone who’s helping the planet.
96. And that I have finally met someone who has been to the town where my grandmother was born! I’ve yet to meet anyone who’s even *heard of * it. This was a thrill.
97. And that I had vanilla almond milk in my coffee this am. What a luxury!
98. And that my neighborhood, though changing, is still safe.
99. And that I do love my little house, which I got on my own.
100. And that I am brave.

Thank you, God