Feelings Work

I feel shitty but inside basically ok too able to enjoy some moments calm enough angry at L. and at myself for being too needy inside and for meeting someone else with problems but kind of resigned to this day and whatever FIVE GOOD THINGS ABOUT ME 1. i am the energizer bunny - i've never given up. yet 2. i am smart enough. Thank God for my brain 3. i am funny 4. i am a vegan 5. i am very spiritual

Readings

For Today: Honesty is the best policy. Miguel de Cervantes Have I ever stopped to think that, without honesty, the Serenity Prayer is just words? How can I accept the things I cannot change, without being willing to find out what they are? And if I don’t identify the things I can change, how can I even begin to change them? All of this takes self-honesty, because it is I who will write my inventory, give away a fifth step and take the steps that follow. God grants me the blessings I ask for according to my willingness to be completely honest with myself. For today: What are the defects and burdens I want God to relieve me of? Digging them out is not nearly as painful as letting them fester. Voices of Recovery Those who have studied them carefully have found that these Traditions can be applied effectively to all human relationships, both inside and outside OA 12 & 12 p. 108 I am grateful to the Traditions that keep out groups and OA as a whole functioning in a healthy way, I am also grateful that I can apply these principles to all my relationships, whether anyone else knows about the Traditions or not. It’s amazing how these simple ideas can improve my interactions with others. For example, what relationship can’t be made better if I consider our common welfare and strive for unity? I can place God as the ultimate authority over all my relationships and pray to be a trusted servant, instead of a controller. I can allow others to be autonomous, unless a matter affects our relationship as a whole. Remembering to place principles before personalities helps me in all my relationships and dealings with other people. It is such a relief to simply look at the issue at hand and not get caught up in the personalities involved. In This Moment In This Moment, I don’t have to manage everything. Am I trying to do it all? Am I being a perfectionist and controlling, while doing more than is appropriate? Am I feeling distress because of my behavior? In recovery, I try healthy behavior. This is new and unfamiliar. But with repeated exercise, it becomes easier, I stop trying to manage everything and realize that I am a human being – perfectly human, not a perfect human. It’s a shift in perception. With my Higher Power’s guidance, unmanageability is something I can change. The Language of Letting Go What If? I was talking to a friend one day about something I planned to do. Actually, I was worrying about how one particular person might react to what I intended to do. “What if he doesn’t handle it very well?” I asked. “Then, my friend replied, “you’re going to have to handle it well.” “What if’s” can make us crazy. They put control over our life in someone else’s hands. “What if’s” are a sign that we have reverted to thinking that people have to react in a particular way for us to continue on our course. “What if’s” are also a clue that we may be wondering whether we can trust ourselves and our Higher Power to do what’s best for us. These are shreds of codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, and they signal fear. The reactions, feelings, likes or dislikes of others don’t have to control our behaviors, feelings, and direction. We don’t need to control how others react to our choices. We can trust ourselves, with help from a Higher Power, to handle any outcome – even the most uncomfortable. And, my friend, we can trust ourselves to handle it well. Today, I will not worry about other people’s reactions, or events outside of my control. Instead, I will focus on my reactions. I will handle my life well today and trust that, tomorrow, I can do the same.

Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. For my doctor 2. For the French language 3. That I am a romantic person 4. For modern art 5. For the internet 6. For nature 7. Trees 8. Houseplants 9. Birds 10. Dogs 11. Fresh lakes 12. Hope 13. That I am better than I was when I started this blog. 14. By far. 15. That I’m not giving up. 16. That I even have some happiness now. 17. Skinny Pop popcorn 18. Balducci’s. It’s too expensive but I go there infrequently, have gift cards, and found Skinny Pop popcorn there. 19. My interests. I am SO GLAD I have them. Like French and piano. 20. MA. May I see her soon! 21. Superman picture I just sent to L. 22. Him saying he’ll be strong against S monologuing and J whining constantly 23. They’re coming for Sat eve and Sun 24. I finished the reading assessments part I (now, part II) 25. Music 26. Discs L has made for me 27. That J put in the air conditioners 28. My lawyer 29. Strength. I feel like I don’t have enough! But I’m grateful for the strength I do have. 30. And that maybe it is more than I think. 31. God 32. My sponsor. I love my sponsor. 33. My sponsor said, “There are people who are always nervous. And there are people who have a broader view of life. And they realize that they’re scratching an itch that doesn’t exist.” 34. And I’m glad I asked, “How do you go from a to b?” 35. And Sponsor answered: “Get close to God and say thank you.” 36. And “There were people looking for God. And God found them. 37. “You don’t have to explore the desert. Cause God is everywhere. 38. He comes into your spirit. And the static electricity stops. 39. And it just happens. 40. And that’s the peace and serenity of faith.” 41. “People expend a tremendous amount of energy going around in circles. Some people just stay there. And God comes and puts His arms around you and everything is fine.” 42. “You stop running in circles. And you quiet your mind. And you wait for God to come to you 43. Life is not a frantic search. It’s just a peaceful, sit in a quiet park.” 44. “And how do you get there? You get there by a feeling of gratitude and doing the next right thing.” 45. “It’s just doing the things we’re doing. It’s not doing, you know, something new. It’s doing the same thing that we’re doing. 46. It’s teaching little children 47. It’s helping your mother 48. It’s walking the dog 49. It’s thanking God that you’re able to do this. 50. Being grateful for having 2 Tylenol when you have a toothache. 51. It’s not a great scientific breakthrough. It’s the same old same old. 52. My brain can make me crazy 53. But if I’m slow, then I open up my heart to God and say thank you. I see what life is really like. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s a blessing.” 54. I am so grateful that Sponsor is saying these things right now. SO helpful. 55. “Today’s Thursday. Thursday’s always my long day. And if I think about, ‘Oh I gotta do this, I gotta do this, I gotta do this…’ I’m crazy. But if I, ‘What’s the next thing I have to do? Mm. I have to shower, I…One thing at a time. And before I know it it’s 10:30 I’m back at home at night and everything is done. One step at a time.” 56. And now it’s after work. I am at the Emergency Room with my mother, who was slurring and on the floor. I am grateful that we did get the key. 57. And that the ambulance got here. 58. And that she’s alive. 59. And that I got here. 60. And that J. was helpful. 61. And that I have been calm *enough * to get done the things I have had to get done. 62. And that I am behaving with grace right now. 63. And that I was good to the students today (of course). 64. And that I have my laptop here. 65. And that I am on their wireless internet right now. 66. I cannot reach L and am very pissed about it (I’ll write elsewhere on the blog) but I am grateful for the times he HAS been supportive 67. And the times we have had fun 68. And the times we have had nice sexual experiences. 69. And the laughter we have shared. 70. And the years I had with J. 71. And that I have employment. 72. And that I’m not crying hysterically right now, which I do feel like inside. 73. And that I had a productive day 74. And yesterday too 75. And have yet more ideas how to make my life better. 76. I am grateful that I was honest with my dr. yesterday (duh) 77. And got some of his feelings too 78. And that about my confusions about what to do regarding L, he (dr) said, “The question is, ‘Dating him is supposed to make you happy. If it isn’t, it isn’t right. Is it?’” 79. And I said, “ 90 or more percent.” 80. And in a way, the fact that besides L’s wonderful qualities he’s also kind of screwed up, helps me know that I don’t have to be 100% hooked into him. (Of course I shouldn’t anyway, but I’m still KIND OF new to that thought, and so it almost kind of helps me that like, “Hey, he’s not so perfect anyway.” 81. That at least I DO want to have someone in my life. 82. And that my doctor says he thinks I can have - be with - someone normal 83. That I’ve never been in a concentration camp. 84. Or a prison 85. Or a prisoner of war situation 86. Or an iron lung 87. Or traction 88. My daddy. All the years I DID have with him. 89. And all the years my mom got to be his beloved. 90. Grateful for the very nice nurses and doctor and others here – unlike the fucking 911 operator who actually hung up on me – twice! I’m going to report her ass as soon as I can 91. Upset about no romance in my life last night or today but grateful for all the romance I HAVE had 92. Very very grateful for EJ 93. And Birdie 94. And JJ 95. And that I’m not a criminal 96. And that I opened a bottle of wine last night 97. All by myself just for myself 98. And that it was so smooth, and so mellow 99. And that I slept 100. And had enough coffee for this morning

Feelings Work

I feel: somewhat insecure - did I make a bad joke about B do J and S think L and I cannot have sex am I so fat and poorly dressed But just this very morning and before, I was feeling good about myself I must remember - I cannot make J's depression go away - it is ok that I can't I WANT TO treat L the way I FEEL about him while we're out with them 5 good things about me I appreciate good music I am sexually very responsive I am not entirely selfish I am trustworthy I am pretty I am sophisticated enough I am a real woman that's 7. Yay:)

Affirmations

I am a good person My life is wonderful My future is secure I am a good person My life is wonderful My future is secure I am a good person My life is wonderful My future is secure I am a good person My life is wonderful My future is secure I am a good person My life is wonderful My future is secure

My 100 Gratitudes Today

More, deep, gratitude (s) Than time to write them! I am grateful: 1. L sharing with me last night. 2. And telling me these were things he has never shared with anyone. And by the nature of them, and knowing him, I am sure this is true. I am so honored and grateful that he shared of himself, about all those 20 years, with me. 3. And that I told him so. 4. I am grateful that he just asked to take a peek at these, 5. and that I let him 6. and that he seemed good with it 7. That he knows so very much about music 8. But does NOT make me feel inferior 9. That I am getting in good physical shape for my time with Jo today 10. That on the phone the other night, when I was crying about not wanting to hurt J, L was so: calm, centered, intelligent, caring yet dispassionate in a good way, sensible. Ex. “Your lawyer needs to talk some sense into you.” And “he needs to take care of his own life.” And … … … 11. Shostakovich 12. Dutillieux 13. Vaughn Williams 14. Nielsen 15. Berlioz 16. Bartok 17. I would never have been introduced to these great works if not for L. I am SI grateful that we can enjoy them together. 18. I am so grateful for what L said in bed last night. He was sharing, and we were talking and he was rubbing my tush. My favorite place to be caressed. I used to ask J to do that. He found it a pain and after like twice, decades ago, wouldn’t. I have never asked L. But he does. 19. And when I said to him, “Oh thank you. Thank you.” And, “Oh that’s so nice.” And finally. “Oh that’s heaven. Thank you.” I’m glad I thanked him and said that. 20. And he said – he said – omg he said to me, “Oh, you have brought so much heaven to my life. I owe you. I owe you.” He said that. 21. And again, *he * made *me * coffee this morning. He makes it for me (he doesn’t drink coffee) and *serves * it to me. 22. He has some of the cards I’ve given him, up and around. Wow. 23. And I went around and re-read them this morning, while he was upstairs. So nice. I’m so grateful that they seem to mean something to me. 24. Breathe and be home. The calligraphy Thich Naht Hahn made, and which I bought for L. 25. And how I brought it here from London and gave it to him. 26. And of ALL the pieces, THAT has to be the ONE on which the glass broke on my way home here from London! 27. But L refused to let me have it fixed. He said it is part of its story. 28. And I am sitting here, in his l.r., looking straight ahead at it. 29. And its background is red and it is on off-white parchment, and the ink is back and the frame is back. And what colors are L’s l. r? You guessed it! 30. And that I really was in London. 31. Alone. Oh, I am so grateful for that. 32. The kissing. The kissing this weekend so far. Oh my goodness. 33. His focused brain. 34. I am so grateful that I got here safely.. 35. And that I treated him to the little dinner last night. 36. And to the bottle of wine. 37. And that somehow- somehow – I am NOT overwhelmed with worry about my financial future. SOO grateful for that. 38. And that there are only 4 more weeks of school. 39. And that I’ve signed up for the Lincoln Center summer course! This will inject something new and wonderful into my classroom for next year. 40. And I don’t even have to go into the city to do it! 41. And I don’t even have to pay for it! 42. And – THEY’RE giving ME a few hundred dollars for doing it! 43. I have always – 26 years – been unwilling to put summer days into this, no matter how much it has interested me, and how much I KNEW I would love it, due to the weekend course I took that once. But THIS YEAR, I am looking forward – even though it is 4 days 8:30 – 4! : ) 44. I am grateful that L and I had ANOTHER wonderful day yesterday. We were in Red Bank, New Jersey. 45. And that today promises to be great also. We will be with J and S. 46. The nice glass of wine I had yesterday. Fruity, jammy, yummy. 47. And that I bought a bottle of wine to bring home to my house. 48. This cozy orange blanket I am “wearing” right now. On L’s sofa. 49. Safe trip here. 50. My car. 51. My driving. 52. My sunglasses 53. Talking on phone with S right now, on speaker, with L. 54. Coffee with coconut milk this morning. 55. Photos 56. My iphone 57. Je, at the piano in the class Friday, STANDING while he played, so he could reach the pedal. 58. My blog. 59. The countries from which people are reading my blog. 60. Friends 61. That M is so happy, away with her girls. 62. And I’m glad she and I have been communicating via email. 63. I am grateful for the hfs sandwiches I’ve brought here with me. 64. And the cooked kale with garlic 65. And that L. is eating some right now. 66. I am grateful, so grateful, for the music shares we’ve had this morning. Oh my goodness. 67. And for my hair. Yup. 68. And I do believe I shall be given an incredible orgasm tonight or tomorrow morning. 69. I am so grateful that L’s back is beginning to feel better. 70. And for the summery weather. 71. And that there is no camp at school this summer: I do not have to pack my classroom! 72. Am about to have breakfast. Choices. 73. The vegan restaurant yesterday! 74. I had a DELICIOUS vegan Philly cheese steak! 75. Classical music stations on the radio 76. My piano. 77. That I have been practicing. 78. That I WILL – somehow – play in that concert – uh oh lol 79. Overture to the Barber of Seville – it is on right now. 80. I can hardly believe I will be at the Yo Yo Ma concert so soon! 81. And my pretty feet 82. And pedicure 83. And pink tongs 84. That I am about to have breakfast. Dishes 85. Forks 86. Spoons 87. “Butter” knives 88. That I don’t have to eat butter 89. L’s bed. Mmmmmm. 90. The breeze from the front window right now. 91. That I have another whole night here. 92. The esplanade yesterday. Sitting there together. So romantic.. 93. Walking. I am so grateful for walking. 94. And the nice people we keep meeting. 95. My voice. Oh my, I remember when I didn’t have it. Literally, physically didn’t have it. 96. That THIS is my Sunday morning now! Virtually every week! Compare THAT to a year and two ago. 97. That L. will give me 7 minutes for meditating today – together! 98. That he is so funny to S – he calls it abusive lol– because of S’s political opinions. 99. My eyesight. 100. Positivity 101. Humor. His 102. “The joyfulness of having spent Sat. with L in Red Bank.” That one’s from L.

Affirmations

I choose to breathe deeply. I choose to breathe deeply. I choose to breathe deeply. I choose to breathe deeply. I choose to breathe deeply. From head to toe, I am relaxed. From head to toe, I am relaxed. From head to toe, I am relaxed. From head to toe, I am relaxed. From head to toe, I am relaxed. I am centered. I am centered. I am centered. I am centered. I am centered.

Feelings Work

I feel: Happily anxious because L. is coming here tomorrow! Nervous about all I have to do today. Grateful and fine! (Maybe heavier espresso helps me after all) 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I work on getting rid of my jealousies 2. I am myself with MA, and ML, and Mer ... 3. I am able to sleep at night (conscience) 4. I am good to children 5. I care

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. I am grateful that I am talking with M right now 2. She seems to have found a house. 3. It is beautiful. 4. The kitchen! 5. The finished basement! 6. I want her to have this. It is so much nicer than my little house, and I’m grateful that I do want her to have it! 7. L. I am so grateful for L. 8. That I’m beginning to realize I don’t owe J. anything. 9. That M has lost the weight. I am grateful that she has lost it 10. And I’m grateful that I’m grateful for it. 11. Kisses. I’m so happy that I have kisses in my life again. 12. And that they are the best kisses in the world. 13. I will be with L this weekend. Yay oh yay 14. That he sent me 12 gratitudes about me! 15. And here they are, and I am so grateful for every one! your kindness 16. your accommodating nature 17. your keen listening and reacting to what I say 18. your femininity 19. the fact that you accept my messy house 20. that you put up with my insomnia 21. and put up with my various food reactions without criticism 22. you are so welcoming of me into your home 23. your kisses 24. your soft curvy body 25. your trying to teach me to meditate (I passed our first meditation spot in the park yesterday, looking back on it with fondness) 26. And this was after I sent him another hundred. And I’m so grateful that I did that. 27. And I’m not “upset” that my list was so long, and it was a second one. Because I am verbal, and female, and a natural list maker. And he is male…So I’m happy. 28. Whole grain “English muffins.” 29. Earth Balance 30. And that it doesn’t hurt the orangutans 31. That I called my sponsor yesterday. 32. And he reminded me: you only have today. Yesterday is gone. 33. My Shostakovich Sampler CD from L. 34. And especially, so far Folk Festival/Gadfy (Kostel) 1955, the year of my birth 35. And Polka (Martinon) 1930 36. And Cello Cto 1 I (Gutman 1959 37. And Romance/Gadfly (EK) 1955 the year of my birtdh 38. And Piano Cto 2 ii, iii (Bernstien) 1957 39. And this morning I will hear the last 5 tracks on the 19 track CD 40. SO glad I’ve moved from “thinking about listening to them” to “intentionality” to actually listening! 41. So glad he made them for me 42. This one and two others 43. And that they’re not just discs, but discs of the best performance 44. And that they took time and effort and care for him to select, find, make, and mail to me. 45. Cards 46. Fancy cards 47. Fancy cards from Papyrus 48. That I send/give the to L. 49. And that he appreciates them so. 50. That I send cards now. First time in my life. 51. And romantic emails 52. And import pictures from google under “kisses,” “caressing,” “romance,” “couples,” “girlfriend and boyfriend,” and “hugging,”… 53. And I even made a picture walk for him the other day, with words and pictures about holding 54. And one about Betty Boop the night before that. 55. That I spoke with sponsor this morning, although just for a minute 56. Coffee 57. Phone 58. Early morning calls, daily, with M. 59. That Etan Patz’ murdered has finally been found 60. That I have a kitchen 61. And 3 cooked things, cooked by me, in the freezer right now. Yay. 62. That L. seemed interested when he asked and I told him one of them was pasta fagioli. 63. That I never knew what was in store for me. What the future would hold. 64. And I still don’t! 65. Life IS good. 66. Honest newspeople 67. People who would never hurt anyone. 68. Sex 69. Love 70. Friendship 71. Respect 72. That mother yesterday who told me her son whom I taught like 7 years ago, STILL talks about ME as the one who got him to love writing…and is about to major in English in college! What a good way to start the work day right upon walking in! 73. The walk I took during my prep yesterday 74. And it made me a bit breathless, which is good for exercise 75. That I called L. during it! 76. That I’m about to start walking at that mall again, a LOT, like I did when I was young 77. J. Yes. J in my life 78. That others seem to really think I don’t owe him anything. 79. That I’ve never been unjustly (Or justly!) accused of a crime 80. That sometimes I have a decent vocabulary 81. And pronunciation 82. And that L. does too 83. College education 84. And Masters 85. And his too 86. Honest people 87. Kind people 88. Compassionate people 89. Athletes 90. Professional skaters 91. Summer is coming. 92. My sunroom. Still needs work, oy, but I have it. 93. Tables 94. Chairs 95. Sofas 96. Love seats 97. My lawyer 98. My principal 99. My teacher in charge 100. My computer teacher 101. My French teacher 102. My therapist 103. My opthamologist

Dear God

I can't do this God. It's up to you. Help me to relax. And the more I think about how lucky I am, the more serene I get.

Affirmations

I release any anxiety I am holding onto. I release any anxiety I am holding onto. I release any anxiety I am holding onto. I release any anxiety I am holding onto. I release any anxiety I am holding onto. I am calm. I am calm. I am calm. I am calm. I am calm. Each and every day, my circumstances are improving. I embrace Divine guidance in my life. Everything is as it should be. I embrace Divine guidance in my life. Everything is as it should be. I embrace Divine guidance in my life. Everything is as it should be. I embrace Divine guidance in my life. Everything is as it should be. I embrace Divine guidance in my life. Everything is as it should be. I am stable during life's ups and downs. I am stable during life's ups and downs. I am stable during life's ups and downs. I am stable during life's ups and downs. I am stable during life's ups and downs.

Feelings Work

I feel: Confused about J Thankful that L talked and afterwards I realized: I didn't leave J. I didn't cheat on J. J. made his choices. Happy that L. is in my life. SO so happy that he said last night that he is so happy I'm in my life. Looking forward to more adventure, experiences, happinesses, doing better at my job next year, and health, and living NOW - like the song "It's later than you think." Ready to be more grown up. A LOT better than the last two days! Thankful. 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I have compassion 2. I have helped some animals 3. I am a vegan 4. I have pretty strong legs 5. I have warm eyes

Readings

For Today Angry men are blind and foolish, for reason at such a time takes flight and, in her absence, wrath plunders all the riches of the intellect while the judgment remains the prisoner of its own pride. Pietro Aretino God gave me a mind a spirit, a capacity for love and compassion. Anger destroys those gifts as surely as compulsive overeating destroyed them. Acknowledging my anger is a positive step, but do I see its source as a defect within me? Or do I blame it on something outside myself: what someone said or did, a job, a situation, the weather, anything. When I am angry I am no good to anyone, least of all myself. Today I have a way to deal constructively with my anger; I have steps that lead me to freedom and a Higher Power to restore me to sanity. Am i entirely ready to have God remove my anger? For today: Taking responsibility for my anger by admitting it is the first step toward a return to sanity and balance. Voices of Recovery In Step Three we learned faith as we made the most important decision we had ever made, the decision to trust God - as we understand God - with our will and our lives. OA 12 & 12 p. 104 For many years, Step Three to me was nothing more than a decision to be willing. The principle of faith was the key I had been missing. This reminds me of the parable, "If only I have faith the size of a mustard seed - miracles can happen." When I applied the God power I found in Step Two to the decision I made in Step Three, I found the willingness to carry on with the rest of the Twelve Steps and to remain abstinent from compulsive eating. It was then I allowed the miracles to begin. In This Moment In This Moment, I let go of the outcome. I've identified a need for companionship and decided to reach out to get that need met. He may be available, he may not. I can identify my need and take action. I can't make it happen. My power doesn't go that far. I can initiate and ask to get my needs met. The outcome is up to God. Step One: I admit a need. Step Two: I accept that the fulfillment of that need is up to God. Step Three: I turn it over to God and let go of the outcome. The Language of Letting Go Letting the Cycles Flow Life is cyclical, not static. Our relationships benefit when we allow them to follow their own natural cycles. Like the tide ebbs and flows, so do the cycles in relationships. We have periods of closeness and periods of distance. WE have times of coming together and times of separating to work on individual issues. We have times of love and joy, and times of anger. Sometimes, the dimensions of relationships change as we go through changes. Sometimes, life brings us new friends or a new loved one to teach us the next lesson. That does not mean the old friend disappears forever. It means we have entered a new cycle. We do not have to control the course of our relationships, whether these be friendships or love relationships. We do not have to satisfy our need to control by imposing a static form on relationships. Let it flow. Be open to the cycles. Love will not disappear. The bond between friends will not sever. Things do not remain the same forever, especially when we are growing and changing at such a rapid pace. Trust the flow. Take care of yourself, but be willing to let people go. Hanging on to them too tightly will make them disappear. The old adage about love still holds true: "If it's meant to be, it will be. And if you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, the love is yours." Today, I accept the cyclical nature of life and relationships. I will strive to go with the flow. I will strive for harmony with my own needs and the needs of the other person. ==

My One Hundred Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. I am grateful for bookstores 2. For dreams. They are painful, especially the last two nights, but they are telling. 3. For L’s calm, quiet, supportive words regarding the divorce. 4. That I didn’t cheat on J 5. That I didn’t leave J. I would feel so guilty if I’d done either of these things 6. Eye drops 7. Humor 8. That I have a job 9. And half a day tomorrow 10. My doctor (therapist). I revisited yesterday, my notes from Feb. 8. What a help! 11. And yesterday, he made me feel better about myself. Thank God for him. May he have happiness and health. 12. Birdie commenting on my being orgasmic. Yay. 13. L always into pleasing ME in bed! Wow. 14. His kisses. 15. Children 16. J calling night before last “just to say hello.” It has caused me all kinds of world-swirling, but I’m glad he did. 17. And that I called back last night for a moment, as I didn’t chat AT ALL the night before. 18. And that he said if I need anything, really. (As I’d said to him). 19. And that I might just take him up on that. 20. That dr. said I do not have to tell L. everything. Everything about past, etc. Just be self and enjoy… 21. Vacations. I have finally come to understand the importance of them. 22. L. caring about my health. 23. And being such a fine example in terms of the way he takes care of himself. 24. I really felt yesterday like I’m fucking crazy. But dr. says no. 25. Socialization. Less isolating. Finally internalizing that people really are social animals. 26. Feeling like a woman. Am one after all. 27. That I cooked yesterday. 28. And ate pasta fagioli 29. And have more. 30. And I have veggie protein bake 31. And pasta with green beans and protein 32. L. will be here this weekend. Nice. 33. J. told me what might be wrong with the vacuum. 34. Maybe I’ll get to see/be with little doggie this summer. 35. Other dog. One before her. The story of how I saved her 36. and how she trusted me. 37. And how L. appreciates that story! 38. Friendships. 39. M. cleaned up in MY classroom. She’s amazing. 40. Sharing with close girlfriends. 41. This talk with M this morning. It is so deep. So sisterly. 42. That I have my sister now, in my dear friend, M. A real sister. 43. Prayer 44. That I have a home. 45. M’s girls. 46. Roller skating when I was little. 47. And The Danny Thomas Show. 48. And jump roping. 49. And that L talks about his childhood in such happy terms. 50. Peanut butter 51. Whole grain bread 52. Fried peppers 53. Indian food 54. Oranges 55. Bananas 56. Watermelon 57. Coconut milk based yogurt 58. Bras 59. My pretty breasts 60. And that L. loves them. 61. The meditation book For Today 62. And Voices of Recovery 63. And In This Moment 64. And The Language of Letting Go 65. God 66. Buddha 67. Thich Naht Hanh 68. That I’ve been on 3 retreats with him with J 69. And one without J! 70. That I was in London! 71. That I went by myself. I really did it 72. That I had such a WONDERFUL time! 73. Paxil 74. Coffee 75. Jo, and our new friendship 76. And that I helped her this week. 77. Piano 78. That I AM going to be in this concert. Oy lol 79. That L. understands that I need to do it alone, without him there. 80. Dutilleux 81. Yo Yo Ma 82. Music 83. Composers 84. That M is getting to go away with her girls this weekend. 85. Memorial Day 86. All days off 87. That my kids do love me 88. And I them 89. The book Flat Stanley 90. And the projects that go with it 91. Summer is coming 92. I can walk 93. I can talk 94. I can hear 95. I can see! 96. That I have clothing 97. And the new underwear from M 98. Sleep. The sleep I do get. 99. Mindfulness meditation 100. That L. did do it with me for about 7 minutes last Sunday.

Readings

For Today Speech is a mirror of the soul; as a man speaks, so is he. Publilius Syrus Does what i say spring from abstinence and sober thinking or does it come out of the self-pity and fault-finding that characterize my illness? People who are living in the recovery talk program. Though they freely share their misadventures and errors in judgment, they are quick to take responsibility for their actions. In private conversations, as in group sharing, it is my speech that identifies me either as an OA who is actively working the program and learning to accept the truth, or as a member who is still suffering from compulsive overeater thinking. For today: my talk reflects my progress in the program. Listening closely to what i say will show me what i need to do. Voices of Recovery Clearly, if we are to live free of the bondage of compulsive eating, we must abstain from all foods and eating behaviors which cause us problems. OA 12 & 12 p. 2 - 3 i like the simple approach of three meals a day, with nothing in between. My spiritual and emotional recovery can start from there. I don't need to punish myself with excess food. Working the program of recovery on all three levels, I have learned to love myself enough to want recovery and be willing to do the footwork required to get and retain abstinence. In This Moment In This Moment, I look within. A mirror to gaze deeply into life is a reflection of my soul. An insatiable longing silently accompanies me. The need for trust and love exposes me to risk. I look within and acknowledge secrets. Intuition guides me to fill the blank pages of my life with confidence. Happy ending are choices to cherish. The Language of Letting Go Enjoyment Life is not to be endure; life is to be enjoyed and embraced. The belief that we must square our shoulders and get through a meager, deprived existence for far-off "rewards in Heaven" is a codependent belief. Yes, most of us still have times when life will be stressful and challenge our endurance skills. But in recovery, we're learning to live, to enjoy our life, and handle situations as they come. Our survival skills have served us well. They have gotten us through difficult times - as children and adults. Our ability to freeze feelings, deny problems, deprive ourselves, and cope with stress has helped us get where we are today. But we're safe now. We're learning to do more than survive. We can let go of unhealthy survival behaviors. We're learning new, better ways to protect and care for ourselves. We're free to feel our feelings, identify and solve problems, and give ourselves the best. We're free to open up and come alive. Today, I will let go of my unhealthy endurance and survival skills. I will choose a new mode of living, one that allows me to be alive and enjoy the adventure.

Feelings Work

My feelings have come a long way so far today. Getting out and doing the right things have helped. God, I thank you. 5 Good Things about Me: 1. God made me. 2. I am caring. 3. I can cook. 4. I can think. 5. I am spiritual.

Affirmations

I deserve to be happy and successful. I deserve to be happy and successful. I deserve to be happy and successful. I deserve to be happy and successful. I deserve to be happy and successful. I can choose happiness whenever I wish no matter what my circumstances. I can choose happiness whenever I wish no matter what my circumstances. I can choose happiness whenever I wish no matter what my circumstances. I can choose happiness whenever I wish no matter what my circumstances. I can choose happiness whenever I wish no matter what my circumstances. I can choose happiness whenever I wish no matter what my circumstances. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be loved.

My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful for these things. And really NEED my gratitudes this morning of extreme nervousness and fear. I don’t care about repeats, what anyone thinks, or anything else. As long as I am truly grateful for it, I can write it here: 1. Birdie! So nice to hear from her! 2. JJ! So nice to hear from her! 3. EJ! Always love hearing from her! Thank God for these three people. 4. I am alive 5. I can see. Biggy 6. I have water. 7. I am able to have orgasms 8. I will work out this pill situation with my dr. 9. J called last night just to say hello. It caused me all SORTS of grief and literally nightmares, but I am still glad that he did! 10. Our school psychologist 11. Our school lrc teacher 12. Our school computer teacher, and all she’s done for me 13. Tenure. For what it’s worth I am so glad to have it 14. Health 15. Hope! 16. God. Thank you God, for making Your presence known to me. 17. I can walk! 18. I can drive! 19. I can even play piano! 20. I have my sponsor. 21. I see my dr. today! 22. I helped Jo last night and a little this morning too. 23. People like and respect me. Here are initials of some of them Jo 24. S 25. L 26. J— 27. M 28. MA 29. ML 30. S 31. St 32. Joa 33. Mar 34. Li 35. Dr 36. J 37. O 38. I try to do the right thing 39. Elegant people like Ph 40. Meditation 41. Meditation at work, with others 42. Green veggies! 43. The supermarket 44. That I’ll be taking my mother there today 45. That there is more to life than my feelings 46. That there is more to this universe than me 47. That I now can have music in my house 48. That J answered something about the vacuum last night when he called 49. Prayer 50. Meetings 51. Laughter 52. Cheerful people 53. Unstressed seeming people 54. That I have a home. I am not, and never have been, homeless. 55. That blueberries and cranberries and squash and tomatoes are indigenous to America 56. Bananas 57. Watermelon 58. Organic fruits and vegetables 59. I will clean today. Somehow. I will. 60. Garbage collection 61. Recycling collection 62. Hope. I’ll go over 100. I need to say hope again. 63. Music 64. My hands 65. Computer 66. And that it’s a laptop 67. That I have a tv 68. That I have seen plays on Broadway 69. Lamps 70. Electricity 71. Little bits of wine 72. Whole grains 73. It’s later now: Rice cooker recipes 74. Vegweb.com 75. New rice cooker/steamer on its way 76. Going to a good concert in the city in a month! 77. Cleaned stovetop 78. Cleaned teakettle 79. That I HAVE a stovetop 80. That I HAVE a teakettle 81. I bought bananas 82. And oranges 83. And orange juice 84. And lite grape juice 85. And whole wheat bread 86. And good organic salad greens 87. And fake meat but it’s ok – I “need” it for now 88. And my mother got what she needs 89. And I bought good toilet tissue (for when L. comes) 90. And a few things for his drawer 91. And kitchen garbage bags. So many things. 92. And green beans 93. And collards 94. And broccoli 95. And spinach. Yay for all these things. So lucky. 96. And sparkling white grape water 97. And organic peanut butter 98. And I have good hummus 99. And tomatoes 100. And I had salad with protein and a banana and o.j. for breakfast. Very thankful. And - I feel better now than I did this nervous, frightened, freaked-out morning. Thank you, God.

Feelings Work

I feel: Afraid Timid Defective. Fake. Also hopeful. Willing to change. Willing to take charge and by that I mean let God and follow Him. -- 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I am pretty 2. I am sexy 3. I am cute 4. I AM smart enough 5. I am clever 6. I am liked by many 7. I am loved by some Good. That's 7. ==

Affirmations

I can't. God can. I think I'll let Him. I can't. God can. I think I'll let Him. I can't. God can. I think I'll let Him. I can't. God can. I think I'll let Him. I can't. God can. I think I'll let Him. When focus changes, results change. When focus changes, results change. When focus changes, results change. When focus changes, results change. When focus changes, results change. Let go and let God. Let go and let God. Let go and let God. Let go and let God. Let go and let God. Let go and let God. Let go and let God. Let go and let God. Let go and let God. Let go and let God.

Readings

For Today: The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions. Leonardo da Vinci That old cliche, "Everyone has a right to his opinion," is true enough. However, that does not make everyone's opinion of equal value. On the subject of abstinence, for instance: how do I see it? OA is based on the same principles as AA. Is breaking my abstinence the same for me as taking a drink is for the alcoholic? Yes. Yet, compulsive overeating does not have the same immediate consequences: it does not alter my mind in the same way alcohol does and with the same rapidity. You can't smell it on my breath. So, I may think I can get away with it. But compulsive overeating shows in my thinking. I am less aware, more ready to deceive myself. For today: I accept myself as I am, but I will not spare myself the hard questions: Do I have a desire to stop eating compulsively HAVE I stopped. Voices of Recovery "...we were never meant to face this disease in isolation." OA 12 & 12 p. 16 Before coming to OA, I had years of experience trying to find the diet, program, or motivation that would help me achieve and maintain a normal weight. Everything I tried led me to the same place, back to the overeating, the sickness, and the shame. What a relief it was to come to OA and plug into a support system of fellow compulsive overeaters. "What a relief it was to say, "I'm powerless to stop eating compulsively," and to find people who understood. Not only did they understand, but they had overcome the same dilemma and willingly showed me the way. My isolation ended then. Occasionally, I try to reclaim my isolation. I do it by being the know-it-all at OA meetings, by not really being honest with my sponsor, by being too proud to ask for help. Kept up long enough, this emotional isolation will land me back in that same place as all those pre-OA diets. Getting to meetings, doing service and calling my sponsor are not enough to keep me abstinent today. I must be willing to ask for help. That is the only way I can practice the principle of humility in all my affairs. In This Moment In This Moment, I practice. I learned to use affirmations in CoDA. We read them in meetings. Friends in recovery have shared their affirmation practices with me and I've learned to create my own to fit my needs. I read affirmations to myself, write them five times each, listen to my mental reactions, record and refute negatives, make signs, and post them. For more than just temporary relief, I need to believe these positive statements I'm telling myself. Recently, I had what I call "a little miracle." I made a dumb mistake but I didn't blurt out, "Stupid!" This small change was huge for me. I'm grateful to CoDA for showing me positive encouragement. The Language of Letting Go Letting Go of Being a Victim It's okay to have a good day. Really. It's okay to be doing okay and to feel like our life is manageable and on track. Many of us have learned, as part of our survival behaviors, that the way to get the attention and approval we want to be victims. If life is awful, too difficult, unmanageable, too hard, unfair, then others will accept, like, and approve of us, we think. We may have learned this from living and associating with people who also learned to survive by being a victim. We are not victims. We do not need to be victimized. We do not need to be helpless and out of control to get the attention and love we desire. In fact, the kind of love we are seeking cannot be obtained that way. We can get the love we really want and need by only owning our power. We learn that we can stand on our own two feet, even though it sometimes feels good to lean a little. We learn that the people we are leaning on are not holding us up. They are standing next to us. We all have bad days - days when things are not going the way we'd like, days when we have feelings of sadness and fear. But we can deal with our bad days and darker feelings in ways that reflect self-responsibility rather than victimization. It's okay to have a good day too. We might not have as much to talk about, but we'll have more to enjoy. God, help me let go of my need to be a victim. help me let go of my belief that to be loved and get attention I need to be a victim. Surround me with people who love me when I own my power. Help me start having good days and enjoying them. ==

My Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: I am grateful: 1 - 51 are about L 1. Masculine voice. 2. You think deeply. 3. You smile readily. 4. You laugh. A lot. 5. You were so tender with me when I cried. In case you forget, it doesn’t matter when or about what. It matters that you were so tender. 6. You’re open to trying things. (Mediation, France, sleeping over here… all kinds of things). 7. And you know what you don’t want to try (hot air balloon…) 8. You let me sort of take over your downstairs bathroom as my own dressing room when I was there. 9. You tell me to have a safe trip and to call you when I get home. That feels so good. 10. You like Mrs. Green’s 11. You accept my spirituality. 12. You didn’t keep things from me. (Like J does from S). I don’t mean this as a criticism of her; just as a statement that I’m so glad you didn’t/don’t. 13. You keep your lips soft 14. And your hands 15. You continued working, even through your most difficult times. 16. You didn’t get upset when your father’s family didn’t give you money. You don’t expect hand-outs. 17. And yet you *appreciate * when you do have good fortune. 18. When you lie on top of me and sort of rock, it feels like heaven. I love that so much. I love just hugging and holding each other. And rocking together. Holding holding holding. Wrapped together. Lovely! (And hot too!). 19. You said about me and Betty Boop. You are she she is you cute and sexy. I loved loved loved that in your email!!! 20. You wear jeans and a button down shirt. 21. And a sports jacket 22. And in warm weather, shorts. Comfortable comfortable. Yet handsome handsome. So handsome. Mmmmm. 23. Although I love non-human animals, I appreciate that you are not tied down by “pets.” 24. You are such a good friend to your friends. 25. You are a safe driver. 26. You don’t spend hours and hours in front of the tv every day of your life. 27. You floss and brush and waterpik 28. You don’t give up on puzzles: from how to fix a stereo to why someone behaves a certain way to … … … 29. You walk regularly. I love that. I love to do it, and I love that you do. 30. You so generously share music with me! And seem to enjoy doing so! 31. You so enjoy museums 32. You have so many books 33. You are a lifelong learner 34. And a natural teacher 35. I am so grateful that you were online that day and I met you. 36. You gave me the headphones for my landline phone. 37. You made me CDs! And of the best! 38. You use colored chalk. As I always did (and now markers). 39. You have an open heart. Open to feeling happy. 40. You are fine with some time alone. 41. You may forget this but I don’t: I had a cough and you gave me a great list of supplements etc. (Here is a reminder: You said: Cough – exposed to something – “System trying to work out something imbedded in lungs or something Or air Environmental Zinc lozenges – N0 Time & hot liquids And immune system building Vit. C 2000 every hour until diarrhea LYPOSOMIL VITAMIN C 1 PACKET which = 8000 – or even 2 packets – or even 3 Vit. D 2000 mg a day”) You get along with both women and men 42. You look at yourself honestly. Well, a little too harshly sometimes but honestly. 43. You bring smiles, glorious kisses, music, flowers, sweet fresh water, and so much more into my life. 44. You give me the driveway when I come there. (By the way you don’t always have to. Maybe we should put my car on the street because it just stays there and that would guarantee you the driveway spot. But I so appreciate that you’ve done it so far). 45. You tell me nice things about me sometimes. Oh I love that. 46. You have sent me another card. 47. You accept that I give you so many cards. 48. You seem to accept people for who they are. 49. You have an active social life. 50. You stir something in me. I haven’t before written in French to someone, or sent cards, bought exquisite cards, or sent flowers… 51. You have come along at precisely the right time in my life. 52. I am also grateful for sick days when I am sick. 53. And exercise “equipment.” 54. And a tv. It is old and pretty little, but I have one. 55. And a car. 56. And gasoline for the car. 57. And heat for the house. I remember when I didn’t have it. 58. And food in the fridge 59. And coffee 60. And water. Water. So grateful for water. I am so lucky. 61. And my hands that can type. 62. And books. I am grateful for books. 63. And that I now have a working stereo! 64. And that Jo and I are becoming/have become friends. 65. That I did not rely on M to make my most recent sub plans. 66. I am grateful that I have a blanket. It has holes but I have it. 67. And an old holey comforter but that also works. 68. And a new comforter too. Lots of warmth 69. And hair 70. And socks 71. And underwear from M. Comfy and not ugly 72. And shoes. Lots of shoes. For first time in life. 73. And a phone, landline. 74. And a cell phone. Which is an iPhone! I’ve had it for about 2 ½ months. And I love it. 75. And that House ended the way it did. 76. And that I’ve even read some good reviews about it. I don’t know why I’m grateful for that, but I am! 77. Smiling babies. Saw so many of them at the park(s) the other day. 78. Musicians 79. Composers 80. Artists – painters 81. Sculptures 82. Dancers 83. Choreographers 84. Actors 85. Singers 86. Playwrites 87. Stage managers 88. Directors. I am awed by what they accomplish 89. Applause. When I give it. 90. And when I receive it. 91. Sweaters 92. Hooded little sweaters 93. Hooded little jackets 94. Slacks 95. Sexy skirts 96. And sexy tops 97. And my blue heels! 98. Sneakers for walks in the parks 99. Walks in the parks 100. Walks in the parks with L.

Affirmations

I am good enough. All is good enough. God is in charge, and God is all good. I am lucky. I am fortunate. I am okay and will be okay. Yay.

Feelings Work

I feel: Nervous about time. Nervous about the parent share this week. Grateful. Hopeful. Lucky. Phsically energetic; emotionally tired out of fear. Grateful that I helped Jo, for her, and also for me, as it reminds ME of the THN precepts. Self: let it go. Welcome fears, gentle them, take care of them. Give over suffering to Mother Earth. She will not become contaminated. She will transform it. 5 good things about me: 1. I listen 2. I am affectionate 3. I am orgasmic 4. I am thankful 5. I do not take others for granted

Readings

For Today: "Defeat is a school in which truth always grows strong." Henry Ward Beecher Never in all the years of fighting it did I think I would admit to being defeated by food. When the illusion that I could eat like other people was finally route, many other truths began to emerge. That was the beginning of recovery. Each day I practice the program of recovery, more truth about myself is revealed to me. I welcome all of it, the worst as well as the best. only when I know who I am can I make use of the directions that tell me how i can change. For today: Any person or incident that shows me a truth about myself is of benefit to me." Voices of Recovery "As we responded with action to the love we had ben shown in OA, the result was a new faith in ourselves, in others, and in the power of that love." OA 12 & 12 p. 17 Many OA people loved me until I learned to love myself. It was not until I could love myself that I recovered and did the needed work: used the tools, worked the Steps, lived the traditions. It has been a long journey, but I have made it to the other side: I am happy, joyous, and free. In This Moment In This Moment, i am aware of my value and worth. I have finally learned that I have inherent value and worth, given to me by my Higher Power. Because I know this, i no longer need to go into a shame attack when I've made a mistake or come up short in some way. I'm now able to admit my mistakes and accept them as part of being human. I learn from my experience, as long as I stop doubting my worth or God's love for me. I have a right to be here. I am easier to live with and much more loving and accepting of my family and others. I thank God and CoDA for this knowledge. The Language of Letting Go Getting Needs Met I want to change careers . . . I need a friend . . . I'm ready to be in a relationship. . . Regularly, we become aware of new needs. We may need to change our behavior with our children. We may need a new couch, love and nurturing, a dollar, or help. Do not be afraid to recognize a want or need. The birth of a want or need, the temporary frustration from acknowledging a need before it's met, is the start of the cycle of receiving what we want. We follow this by letting, go, then receiving that which we want and need. Identifying our needs is preparation for good things to come. Acknowledging our needs means we are being prepared and drawn to that which will meet them. We can have faith to stand in that place in between. Today, I will let go of my belief that my needs never get met. I will acknowledge my wants and needs, then turn them over to my higher Power. My Higher Power cares, sometimes about the silliest little things, if I do. My wants and needs are not an accident. God created me, and all my desire." Wow. Nice!

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I a grateful: 1. My first watermelon of the season. Here with L. 2. Now it is Mon am. He gave me an amazing orgasm 3. And he said right after, “I felt it.” 4. And explained, “I had a sympathetic orgasm.” And hugged and hugged and cuddled with me. Oh. 5. On phone with M this morning. 6. We meditated – together – for the first time – in the park 7. 5 minutes and I led 8. And although he did admit it was hard, he also said it was very nice 9. Our texting last night 10. M is on her parents’ phone. So she doesn’t feel paranoid about him and the phone 11. I am healthy! 12. I can walk! 13. I can see! 14. I can speak! I remember when I couldn’t really walk. Or speak. Oh thank God I can. 15. Texting. 16. Texting pics 17. I think L is starting to be in love with me. 18. And maybe I am with him, too. It’s all very nic. 19. Paintings 20. Jo 21. And that I just emailed her 22. Things I’ve learned from TNH. Including: Give my troubles to Mother Earth. I am of earth. She will take them. Will not become contaminated by them. Will transform them. 23. And gentle them. Say kindly, with a smile, “Hello fear.” (or whatever the feeling). “I welcome you. I will take good care of you.” This really works! And very quickly! Like a mother with a crying baby. She doesn’t push the baby away to stop the crying. She welcomes, gentles, soothes the baby. Takes care of the baby. And the crying stops. It really works! 24. And going back to my breath. One cannot *feel * in one’s mind. One can *think * in one’s mind. One *feels * in one’s body. 25. THN’s “10 line poem: “In. Out. Deep. Slow. Calm. Ease. Smile. Release. Present moment. Wonderful moment.” 26. Now, some thoughts about L. I don’t think I should send them to him, and they are gratitudes, so I’ll put them here. You are so sweet. You treat me as a gentleman treats a lady. 27. You are so generous. Making me so at home in your home. Spending money on us. 28. You are so kind. You are kind to and about friends, strangers, children, animals. 29. You have no meanness. You never are vengeful. You are not jealous…You just don’t have a mean bone in your body at all. 30. You keep confidences. 31. You are honest. About yourself. About others. About life. About everything. 32. You are a pure soul. This is so beautiful. 33. You are so thoughtful. Even buying me flowers and flowering plants. Wow. You are also thoughtful about the world, peace, the environment. 34. You are the best lover. Oh my gosh. The best caresser. The best kisser. The best holder. The best cuddler. The best orgasm giver. The best after-glow closeness person. The best breather-together. Ever. 35. You open up a new world of music. To me. To a woman we meet at a dinner. ..Through your reviews…To so many. What a gift you give. 36. You are aware of your body and what it is telling you. 37. You are aware of your emotions. 38. You can cry. I believe many man can’t. It is your sensitivity. 39. You are safe. There cannot be a person who does not feel safe around you. 40. You think so quickly and know just what to say. You want evidence? I reference the post-rat walk : ) 41. You are able to enjoy a walk in the park. Yay! 42. You say whatever needs to be said. 43. You are intellectually honest. So, like, if someone makes a mistake – you or someone else, you correct it. Not in a critical way, but just an intellectually honest way. Very matter-of-fact. 44. You appreciate woman, and my womanliness. “Oh, I love your curves.” “You are such a girlie girl.” I love that you appreciate women and my womanliness. 45. You are understanding. 46. You are supportive. 47. You are so much fun. 48. You are hysterically funny. 49. A great conversationalist. 50. Positively brilliant. 51. Willing to try meditation for 5 minutes yesterday, patiently. 52. You have conquered things. 53. You eat well. 54. You are realistic about things like exercise. 55. You are whimsical. Practical. But whimsical. 56. You appreciate organic veggies and fruits and nuts and grains 57. You even make amazing water. 58. You bring me to such heights, sexually. Such intense, tingling, orgasmic, close, incredible, whole person heights. Oh my God. 59. You are so handsome. You have this age-wisdom and handsome youth, both, in your face. 60. You have a v body 61. And smooth, even, olive skin. 62. You are muscular. 63. You are strong. Physically and intermally. 64. You understand my seeing a shrink. 65. You supported me going to London. 66. And you support my piano – whatever that journey entails. 67. You wrote once, “May Lynn have all the breathing room she desires.” 68. You are independent. Yet close. 69. We laugh together. 70. We have absurdities. 71. We get tipsy sometimes. 72. You treat everyone equally. 73. You seem unencumbered by what people think. As someone who believes, “If you care about what others think of you, they own you,” I appreciate that. 74. You are very close to being a vegan. 75. You are very close to being a vegan. 76. You don’t hold grudges or obsessions. 77. You are non-violent. Oh, thank God. 78. You work. 79. You have gorgeous hair. 80. And soulful eyes. 81. And those lips. Oh, those beautiful lips. 82. You have such masculine hands 83. And feet 84. And voice. 85. I am grateful for strawberries. 86. And cantaloupe 87. And watermelon. 88. And that I had my first bites of summer-sweet watermelon this weekend. Yum. 89. I have a liver that works 90. And heart that works 91. And a brain that works 92. I can drive. I remember when I couldn’t 93. I WANT to live. Finally! 94. I have a therapist 95. And a French teacher 96. And a piano teacher. What wealth! 97. I have a full head of hair. 98. And it is a pretty brown. 99. I have hope. 100. I have God.

Grats

I am grateful for all of this, and more: 1. EJ! 1. With a gorgeous Kabalevsky concerto playing as we breakfast 2. His kisses. Oh Lord, his sweet kisses. 3. Me *working on * feeling better about myself. 4. S calling us just now 5. And saying Jo needs to speak with me about the Buddhist philosophy 6. That even if her hours ARE cut she will make it financially. She may not make it now, but she will. 7. Cellos 8. The vegan dinner last night 9. The fabulous Thai restaurant 10. The people 11. J Al. 12. L leaning over and giving me that very special gift 13. Our amazing walk in the park yesterday 14. That even though it did take me 2 hours and 25 minutes for this 1 hour drive (!) – rush hour traffic - I did make it here safely 15. Meditation 16. That people are coming for it! 17. And we’re doing it together 18. Coffee 19. That L made it for me 20. My car made it 21. And I will get it fixed this week 22. Remembered to text M when I got here 23. And once before, because it was taking so long 24. And remembered to call mother 25. And will in a little while this morning too 26. I am finished with that meeting 27. And but for the one sentence, it went so well 28. And that after that one awful sentence, I, for the first time in 26 years, INTERRUPTED – in front of the Asst. Superintendent of student… I interrupted! Yay me! 29. And stuck up for “the school” – which really, of course, meant me 30. L. just said no, he would NOT like to work on redoing his textbook this summer WITH ME working on my curriculum. BUT – although I’d rather if he would, I will do my work. Maybe I’ll sit at my special park/beach and even work there. Maybe even with doggie!?! 31. My breasts 32. That he loves to touch them 33. And kiss them 34. We’ll have a great day today 35. He had a great erection this morning 36. Now it is Sunday 37. What great day I – we – had yesterday. And I am so grateful for it. 38. Fresh raw kale salad from my hfs 39. And that we’re about to have some for breakfast right now 40. The beautiful botanical gardens yesterday 41. The bonsai room 42. The lithops 43. The friendly, nice people 44. The walking 45. And the walk in his park on Fri 46. And last night, our glass of wine at the wine bar 47. And then the little restaurant for the sort of appetizer 48. And the other one for the dinner. Vegan restaurant. So fabulous. 49. My robe from Harrod’s in London. 50. Pianos 51. That I did remember to and did call my mother again yesterday morning 52. And this morning 53. That I meditated yesterday. 54. And will today. 55. And people are coming for it at work! Yay oh yeah 56. That I am alive 57. And I am so grateful that I healthy 58. And oh my gosh so so so grateful that I didn’t kill myself Oh my gosh 59. That L has started to share so many more things with me 60. And it DOES seem like he had a happy childhood 61. His amazing, beautiful, wonderful kisses 62. That I walked a good deal yesterday. 63. And my new exercise stuff is on its way 64. The amazing Shostakovich second cello concerto. 65. That I heard it, for the first time, today 66. And that L introduced me to it 67. And all the other amazing, beautiful music to which I’ve been introduced this weekend 68. That he has this downstairs bathroom,which he calls the “ladies room” 69. Livebodyawareness.com 70. D, whom we just met in the park 71. The lovely talk we had 72. The whole entire wonderful walk 73. L saying, when we first got there, the private thing he shared – that he feels shy sometimes initiating sex, and wishes I would a bit 74. And I will 75. And that he then said, “That’s why I wanted to take a walk. So I could tell you this. 76. And my realizing/registering (finally!) that THAT is something many men need – and certainly he needs: to be DOING something, even parallel, and just bring something up. NOT a sort of a high-pressure feeling, face to face, “We have to talk.” 77. That amazing park. 78. That I do believe I will be in it again. 79. And again… 80. That although I love to do it, and greatly appreciate that I *get to * take my mother grocery shopping, I am so grateful that I didn’t have to today. I am usually home and out shopping by now. But I am so free today 81. And she is so happy! UP with my sister and her kids and grandkids for the day 82. And at the recital 83. That I discussed the upcoming piano recital with L. Glad I finally had the courage to do so. 84. And that he was so supportive! 85. And totally accepting if I do not want him to be there, even THOUGH he is so supportive. (Because it used to torture me, AND I’ve stayed away from it for 40 years! And, what I’m playing is not very advanced…Plus I don’t know how well I’ll play… 86. That M. very much wants to come 87. And I MIGHT let her 88. She says, “No offense, but I won’t even NOTICE what you play. I just want to be there to support my sister when she overcomes an obstacle. That’s all.” 89. I love her. 90. I do believe I’m about to be given an orgasm. Yay. 91. Maybe I’ll be able to have another meal with L before I leave (late) today 92. And maybe even S and J? ! 93. Will be ready for French lesson tomorrow. Have to be, somehow! 94. Getting to see the beautiful sunflowers I sent L when he was sick last week. Sitting right next to me now 95. He bought me a gorgeous orchid looking plant! 96. He has bought me flowers and/or! a plant every time I’ve seen him, for weeks! 97. That my mother is still alive 98. I’ll be buying sneakers this week! 99. My flats that I wore today and they were comfortable enough.

Affirmations

I am capable. I am competent. I am good. The universe is taking perfect care of me.

Readings

For Today: "Don't let life discourage you. Everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was." Richard L. Evans "As newcomers we look at recovering compulsive who tell us of the happiness, freedom and joy in their lives, and we can hardly comprehend that they were not always this way. Those miraculous recoveries seem unattainable for us. One suggestion made to newcomers is to seek out speakers and talk to them after the meeting. A minute or two of one-to-one conversation will reveal what a formal talk from the podium may fail to get across: members with years of program and lives that are happy, joyous and free are compulsive overeaters who, like the rest of us, began at the bottom. For today: Where I am today is a fine place to start. -- Voices of Recovery "Believe that you can be abstinent. You will be. Believe that you can have sanity, peace of mind, and freedom to live the life you want. You will have them. Believe that you will recover. You will." For Today, p. 354 Believing in something that seems impossible requires a leap of faith. The gift of abstinence, freedom from compulsive overeating, the peace and sanity which result from working the program seem like elusive dreams to the newcomer or the relapser. Faith requires that I keep doing what works, no matter what. Sometimes it takes days, weeks, months, or even years before I can see and feel like I have gotten 'it.' And when I do 'get it,' I don't get to keep it because the 'it' keeps changing. The hope and belief that things will get better is not a tangible commodity that I buy; it is something I must earn. I believe it is possible for everyone to be abstinent, to recover, and to have all our dreams come true. We get what we expect, so 'expect a miracle.' we are ALL miracles. -- In This Moment In This moment, I need to take my inventory. I have been in CoDA for a lot of years and still experience the desire to control. I know I'm powerless over others. I know there's only one person i can control and that person is me. And to be honest, my power to control myself is limited. I need to turn over a lot of 'stuff' to my Higher Power. Why do I complain and nitpick, even though I know I'm powerless? When I'm angry, when I'm critical of others.I know there's only one person i can control and that person is me. And to be honest, my power to control myself is limited. i need to turn over a lot of 'stuff' to my Higher Power. Why do I complain and nitpick, even though I know I'm powerless? When I'm angry, when I'm critical of others, it's a signal for me to look at what I'm avoiding. I may need to set or reset a boundary. I need to look within. It's time to pray for knowledge of God's will for me. Time to go to a meeting. Time to take personal inventory and admit my wrongs. Trying to control others doesn't succeed. My CoDA program works when I work it, and I work it 'cause I'm worth it. -- The Language of Letting Go Living Our Lives Don't stop living your life! So often, when a problem occurs, inside or around us, we revert to thinking that if we put our life on hold we can positively contribute to the solution. If a relationship isn't working. If we face a difficult decision. If we're feeling depressed, we may put our life on hold and torment ourselves with obsessive thoughts. Abandoning our life or routines contributes to the problem and delays us from finding the solution. Frequently, the solution comes when we let go enough to live our life, return to uor routine, and stop obsessing about the problem. Sometimes, even if we don't FEEL like we have let go or can let go, we can 'act as if' we have, and that will help bring about the letting go we desire. You don't have to give up your power to problems. you can take your focus off your problem and direct it to your life, trusting that doing so will bring you closer to a solution. today, I will go on living my life and tending to my routine. i will decide, as often as I need to, to stop obsessing about whatever is bothering me. If I don't feel like letting go of a particular thing, I will 'act as if' I have let go of it until my feelings much my behavior. ==

My Hundred Daily Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. L in my life 2. God 3. My doctor 4. A bed in which to sleep 5. The birds singing outside. Right now 6. And every morning now 7. And every evening now too 8. This spiritual work. I must stop skipping parts.. 9. The earphones L gave me, which will enable me to exercise some, like stretching, while I’m on the phone with Meredith (and better, I think, than speaker phone) 10. Coffee and the morning energy it gives me 11. Olivier Messiaen (composer – birdsong and faith in his music) 12. That L shares him with me. 13. My name. I like my first name. 14. That I’m okay. Today. 15. That whatever comes of this all financially, I might well be okay anyway. 16. Books 17. I am grateful, after seeing just a few minutes of 60 Minutes last night, that I have all my limbs. There was a man who lost both legs and one arm in Afghanistan. 18. I gave my mother a GREAT Mother’s Day yesterday. 19. And *I * wound up having a nice time too. 20. We saw that movie, “The Exotic Marigold Hotel.” 21. And I liked it. 22. And so did she. 23. And we had veggies at dinner. 24. I’m glad she ate veggies 25. And that I got her snacks at the dinner. Even though they were expensive. 26. Talking through my money FEARS about all the J shit right now, with M. And coming to the realization that I can only do what I can do. I have a good lawyer. I must do what she says. And then drop it. 27. L.’s emotional support through all of this. 28. My hands 29. My arms 30. My feet 31. My legs 32. My liver 33. My kidneys 34. My heart 35. My lungs. Really. I am grateful for all of these things. 36. That yesterday I bought cantaloupe. 37. Organic. 38. And organic other things. Including apples. 39. And Bosc pears 40. And watermelon 41. And 2 potatoes 42. And red chard! 43. And salad greens. 44. And protein stuff. I am very fortunate indeed. 45. My car 46. And gasoline for it, despite the price 47. And that I can drive it! 48. Tv 49. Computer 50. msn.com 51. my blog! 52. Weather reports 53. Umbrellas. Even though I can’t find mine right now lol 54. My lawyer. God bless my lawyer. On my behalf too! : ) 55. Restaurants 56. Diners 57. Non-violence 58. Thich Naht Hanh 59. That I got to be on retreat with him again this April! 60. In London! 61. London London London! 62. French lessons 63. Our union, for what it’s worth 64. Just spoke with L for a morning-minute. That’s rare, and nice 65. He IS getting better. Slowly. But getting better, physically. Yay. 66. Showers 67. Baths 68. Soaps 69. Vegan soaps! 70. Vegan candles 71. Children 72. Schools 73. GOOD schools 74. Radios 75. My new little stereo 76. CDs 77. DVDs 78. People who contribute 79. People who do their/our best 80. Honest people 81. People who would never steal 82. People who would never hit 83. People who don’t scream or yell at each other 84. That L and I have never screamed or yelled at each other. I HOPE to never yell or scream at anyone else again! 85. Doggies 86. Puppies 87. “My” little dog, although I kind of don’t really see her at this point: ( I am so grateful for her 88. And that SHE is well 89. And happy, I think. 90. Grad school 91. And that I did so well 92. And worked so hard too 93. Hope 94. Optimism 95. Friends! 96. All loved ones. 97. TNH’s saying about if 2 astronauts were stuck on the moon forever. How ALL they’d want, looking at earth through space, would be: I just want to walk their again. That’s all I want. What a lesson! 98. Prayer 99. Stretching exercises. 100. Phones

Affirmations

God made me. I am fine. I am well. I am so fortunate. All is perfect in my world. All is perfect in the world. God is with us.

Feelings

I feel: Worried about money and the J situation. Kind of realistically resolved to the realities of it. Grateful for so much, including my day with my mother yesterday. Nervous about work but grateful for it too. Grateful for L. Time-crunched but also grateful. Do differently: Exercise every single day. Do ALL my spiritual stuff, every single day. (Except less when at L's overnight). 5 good things about me: 1. I am giving 2. I am brave 3. I am strong 4. I am ethical 5. I am warm

Readings

For Today: He that is too secure is not safe. Thomas Fuller Whether I have been abstinent twelve hours or twelve years, I never have it made. Today's recovery is all I have. A compulsive overeater who has had any kind of dieting career knows all too well how suddenly all the wonderful plans can come crashing down. The one-day-at-a-time philosophy of Overeaters Anonymous is insurance against complacency. It guards against my projecting anything beyond this twenty-four hours. I know I am abstinent today, but I cannot tell what I will do tomorrow. That is the attitude that keeps me gratefully abstinent. For today: I am sure only of this day's abstinence. I have no need to plan tomorrow's abstinence or weight loss. [--Wow - I really needed this one--] -- Voices of Recovery "Nothing tastes as good as abstinence feels." For Today p. 154 Before OA, I evaluated what I put into my mouth only by how good it looked and how good it would taste. I still catch myself yearning and reaching for yummy items. One of the best reminders for me is that 'nothing tastes as good as abstinence feels.' Years ago, before OA, a friend said this to me, but I never connected it to our program until i read it in my first OA year. Today, I know that immediate gratification is not the answer for me. Abstinence means exercise and sticking with the food plan that works for me. It gives me clarity, a sense of well-being, and the feeling that I am following God's will. Using the telephone and writing my feelings keeps me on track. Sponsoring is easier and more fun when I'm abstinent and working with my sponsor. God, grant me the willingness to make healthy choices not only in the food I eat but also in my relationships, in my loving, and in my caring for others who are still suffering. -- In This Moment, I am whole. I am one with the universe. I am a complete being. I reach to connect with my Higher Power. I wish to know my soul's aspirations. I feel strength from within to heal from within. I know another human being will not complete me. My Higher Power completes me. I am whole. I am one. I am worthy of love. -- The Language of Letting Go Honest Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Step Five of Al-Anon Talking opening and honestly to another person about ourselves, in an attitude that reflects self-responsibility, is critical to recovery. It's important to admit what we have done wrong to others and to ourselves. Verbalize our beliefs and our behaviors. Get our resentments and fears out in the open. That's how we release our pain. That's how we release old beliefs and feelings. That's how we are set free. The more clear and specific we can be with our Higher Power, ourselves, and another person, the more quickly we will experience that freedom. Step Five is an important part of the recovery process. For those of us who have learned to keep secrets from ourselves and others, it is not just a step - it is a leap toward becoming healthy. Today I will remember that it's okay to talk about the issues that bother me. It is by sharing my issues that I will grow beyond them. I will also remember that it's okay to be selective about those in whom I confide. I can trust my instincts and choose someone who will not use my disclosures against me, and who will give me healthy feedback. ==

Affirmations

I am good enough. I am enough. I am wonderful. My life is wonderful. All is perfect! There is a God!

Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. I am grateful that L. is on the phone right now. 2. I am grateful that I’ve come to love his voice. 3. I’m glad he’s a scientist. 4. And knows so much. 5. And is so smart. 6. I am enormously grateful that I am “in love.” Not expecting more of it. May be temporary. May be infatuation. Either way, it’s wonderful. 7. And that *** I feel good about my body! It’s because: 1) I’m losing weight. 2) It’s light out later and that makes me feel good 3) It’s lighter clothes weather and I feel good walking around plus I look better that way and one thing aides the other 4) L. appreciates my breasts, my curves, my “femininity,” my “girliness.” 8. I feel good in my skin now. I mean physically. My SKIN feels good. I even like touching it. 9. Shoes. I’m glad I FINALLY have nice shoes. I remember when, at the top of my profession, I would literally hide my feet from my principal. Hide them under my clothes as sitting on floor with kids when she would walk in. 10. That L. has his own house. 11. And his own job. 12. And his own savings. 13. And his own retirement plan. 14. He does not need me. 15. That I MAY not ever need financial help from anyone. Won’t get it; wouldn’t ask for it anyway; just want to not need it. 16. That my mother is alive for Mother’s Day today. 17. That I have a car. 18. And despite the prices, that I’m able to keep enough gas in it to use it for the things I need! 19. And actually, some things that wouldn’t officially be counted as need. 20. Bathing suits. I hate the thought of myself in one lol, but I’m glad they exist. 21. Being open-minded about things of which I’m not sure. Like communication after death…Just open-minded. 22. I can be my best self! I’m so grateful for this! 23. ****** And that I appreciate living! To have felt I wanted to die, and to feel this now. I mean, it’s hard to even write that I wanted to die. 24. Intelligent conversations. 25. London. 26. That I was there under 2 months ago. 27. Alone! 28. That I had such a wonderful time. 29. And a safe flight 30. Both ways. Thank God. Or the fates…Luck…Whatever. 31. That St called the other night 32. And M and I had dinner last night. 33. And mine included spinach. 34. My eye drops. Thank God that they exist, and that I can afford them. 35. Through my hard work. 36. Fax machines 37. Colleges 38. Universities 39. Kisses. 40. Virtually all kisses. 41. But especially L’s kisses. I do believe there is not and never has been anything like them in the world. 42. That I’m alive to experience all of this. 43. The four girls sitting in a square in L’s driveway last night. So sweet. Something so innocent. 44. That he sent me the photo of it. 45. The flowers I sent him yesterday because he’s been sick! 46. And the photos he sent me of them. 47. Movies. In the theater. 48. Practicing piano today. And it was a good practice. 49. And yesterday. And it was a great practice yesterday. 50. Bach. 51. That I AM going to play in that concert (recital) for O: my teacher and my friend. Well, at least I think I am: ) 52. Walking. For walking’s sake. 53. Fruit. 54. The influence of L, on my eating. 55. My eye drops. 56. Joan & Melissa show, of all things 57. Stories about ghosts. Interesting stuff. 58. L. sounding tired right now. Maybe he’ll FINALLY sleep. 59. That I have a kitchen 60. That I do not have leukemia 61. That I probably have more time to live. 62. Music 63. My new little stereo 64. That L. shared with me about that doll event from when he was little. 65. That he even said I’m one of very FEW people he’s EVER told. 66. L’s pre-sentience about his mother’s accidents etc. 67. That he just shared them with me. 68. His sense of humor. 69. My own psychic experiences 70. Especially the two big ones 71. That I have health 72. That I am able to eat. 73. And on my own. 74. Emerald green 75. Emeralds 76. That I even own a couple of cheap ones 77. Affirmations 78. Prayers 79. Exercise 80. Whole-grain pasta 81. Vegetables 82. Spinach with garlic 83. That I don’t have any broken bones. 84. That soon this bullcrap with J will be over 85. Sanctuaries for the innocents 86. That M should be having a good Mother’s Day today 87. That I do not have alopecia 88. That I can see 89. That I can speak 90. That I can hear 91. My hands 92. Water. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water. 93. Squirrels 94. White squirrels 95. Black squirrels 96. Reddish squirrels 97. Gray squirrels 98. This laptop. Use of this (work) laptop. 99. The desktops in the classroom. 100. The East Village in Manhattan.

For Today: "Will cannot be quenched against its will." Dante Alighieri Willingness. There is no other key to this program. To receive the gift of abstinence I need to be one hundred percent willing. "But i AM willing," I said many a time. "Haven't I suffered through all those diets? I definitely want to be thin; i hate being fat." Alas, it is not enough to want to be rid of the unpleasant side effects of any illness. I need to be willing to give up that which attracts me in the first place: the gratification, sedation or whatever other payoff I get for practicing my compulsion. For today: I surrender everything that compulsive overeating means to me, trusting God to put something incomparable better in its place. -- Voices of Recovery "Looking back at how far we've come, many of us have been tempted to think we've arrived at the end of the journey." OA 12 &12 p. 100 Compulsive eating is an insidious disease. Many of the attitudes and beliefs we've clung to are also faulty and insidious. We always have to be on the lookout for them. One of those attitudes is that we've finally arrived at recovery for good. Then we think we can slack off on taking all the actions that got us to this wonderful point in the first place; we don't attend as many meetings as we used to:; we don't make as many phone calls or have a sponsor or give as much service as before; we may think we don't need to plan our food anymore or be as rigorously honest about it as we were; we many think that we don't need to keep studying and living the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to the best of our ability. WE cannot rest on our laurels because in OA there are no laurels. There is only today, and only the actions we take for our program today determine how recovered we really are. -- In This Moment In This Moment, I comfort myself. I was a lonely child. My parents couldn't give me the lvoe I needed. I've been lonely ever since, desperately grasping at others to fill that void. It was very painful, u til i learned new behaviors in CoDA. Now when I'm sad, lonely, or scared, I do something different. I reach within. I hug my pillow and talk to myself the way I wish my mother had talked tome. i feel comforted. -- Perfection Many of us picked on ourselves unmercifully before recovery. WE may also have a tendency to pick on ourselves after we begin recovery. "If I was REALLY recovering, i wouldn't be doing THAT again. . ." "I should be further along than I am." These are sentiments that we indulge in when we're feeling shame. We don't need to treat ourselves that way. There is no benefit. Remember, shame blocks us. But self-love and acceptance enable us to grow and change. If we truly hae done something we feel guilty about, we can correct it with an amend and an attitude of self-acceptance and love. Even if we slip back to our old, codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, we do not need to be ashamed. We all regress from time to time. That's how we learn and grow. Relapse, or recycling, is an important and necessary part of recovery. And the way out of recycling is not by shaming ourselves. That leads us deeper into codependency. Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. Perfection is impossible unless we think of it in a new way: Perfection is being who and where we are today; it's accerpting and loving ourselves just as we are. We are each right whher we need to be in our recovery. Today, I will love and accept myself for who I am and where I ma in my recovery process. I am right where I need to be to get to where I'm going tomorrow. ==

Affirmations

I am a good and wonderful person. God loves me. God created me. L. "loves" me. I am womanly. I have beautiful breasts. I feel like a woman again! Life is fabulous. Life is perfect. God is good to me. The universe is taking perfect care of me.

Feelings Work

I feel: overwhelmed a little by M's intenseness and fast-talking this morning my deep breath just now happy that I've beautiful cards and have been sending them to L. happy that he appreciates them worried a bit about L with this high fever and refusal to go to dr. stomach butterflies about the money thing with J scared about how I am going to get all this house work done. I don't know how! Keep saying to self, "If I went to London alone, I can do this." Please God. 5 good things about me: 1. I have good hair 2. I have beautiful eyes 3. I help people meditate 4. I am self-honest 5. I am smart, thank God.

Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. M and her friendship 2. That we are talking on the phone every morning. 3. Her apology for being too intense 4. And her working on it in therapy 5. And my apology to here for seeming cold yesterday : ( 6. And that she accepted it. 7. And that I accepted hers. 8. That I don’t emotionally eat as much anymore. 9. L. is back. Emotionally. It turns out he was getting sick. 102.2 fever. 10. He had already sent me a beautiful card. He wrote in it, “You make the flowers in my heart bloom. Love, L.” He’s never written Love, and his name before. 11. Then last night when we were hanging up, he said, “Love you Dear.” 12. And later call, he said it again. 13. I love him. I know, I know. Keep perspective. Keep self. But it’s nice that I love him. 14. With all this terrorist airplane bomb talk, I’m so grateful that I had safe flights to and from London. 15. L. in my life 16. God 17. Universal goodness 18. Humor 19. Cartoons 20. My dr. yesterday 21. My dr. reminding/helping me to not lose myself into L. 22. But also saying that l. has a lot to offer me 23. And that we are good for each other in a number of ways 24. And to have fun 25. That I am falling in love 26. That people say I am glowing 27. That I will FINALLY be getting some things done around here. House things 28. Doggie. I miss her SO! But I am so grateful for her. 29. That M. is looking at houses. 30. And that this recent one is so wonderful. 31. That I pray(ed) for her and her girls 32. Buddha 33. Thich Nhat Hanh 34. That someone asked me about TNH yesterday: ) 35. That a few people at work do want to meditate together. 36. And now it is Friday. I am grateful that L. has this little flu, because it could have been something worse. I have heard things 37. msn.com 38. reba mcentire’s beautiful voice 39. singing in the car 40. cousins 41. that maybe I’ll see some of them this summer 42. my online prayer community 43. my L saying at end of two phone calls this week, “Love you Dear.” 44. People who are caring 45. And kind 46. And funny 47. And use their intelligence to help others 48. The compliments I’ve been getting lately at school, on my weight loss 49. And my clothes 50. And that I’m glowing! 51. I got a hair cut yesterday 52. And color. What wealth! No more grays: ) 53. And a pedicure 54. A special one – spa pedicure 55. With 15 minute massage 56. Sitcoms 57. Music 58. Soon I’ll be able to USE my new stereo, lol: ) 59. And I’ll have music whenever I want 60. I’m going to try to play in my piano teacher’s adult student recital! 61. I’ve been practicing a little each day 62. Piano piano piano 63. P. said yesterday, at lunch, how well I play 64. And that I seem so happy when I’m playing 65. Coloring 66. Art 67. Modern art 68. Happy students lately. Mostly. But those who aren’t, it’s apparently because of their own internal issues. 69. French! 70. M 71. L’s kisses 72. Oral sex. Sorry, but I AM grateful for it! 73. Maybe we’ll still have our concert date this weekend, if L. is better… 74. My principal 75. That my aide came to me yesterday and said she would NEVER say anything about me… long story. Anyway, I’m grateful. 76. The very weird and yucky dream I had right before awakening. At least dreams are somewhat telling. 77. Humor 78. The emails I’ve been sending L. while he’s sick. 79. Mother’s Day 80. G, my afternoon one hour aide 81. Pocketbooks 82. That my aide is doing her work now 83. Jewelry 84. Meditation 85. Thich Nhat Hanh 86. Bed phone talks 87. The Mother’s Day presents we’re sending home 88. Buddies 89. Book of the Month 90. M sharing such amazing cute stuff with me for my class 91. Weekends 92. Soon I’ll be free of J? Maybe… 93. And have enough money? … 94. Kids’ art 95. Piano in my classroom! 96. Plants! 97. That M is looking at her issues. ‘Cause I love her but they do drive me crazy 98. Caresses 99. Hugs 100. Lovely words

Affirmations

I am good enough My life is perfect I have perfect health I am loved I am loveable I am wonderful I love life God is taking perfect care of me The universe is taking perfect care of me

Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. That I awakened 2. That I’m grateful I awakened. There was a time when I wasn’t 3. I have veggies in the house 4. Gave my kids a great day yesterday 5. Little L, so happy about his First Holy Communion, new haircut and all 6. That I DID go to dinner with my mother yesterday 7. L in my life 8. Romance 9. Kisses 10. Sex 11. Orgasms 12. Ability to enjoy 13. My dr 14. That he comes today 15. Eyedrops 16. My opthamologist 17. My fabulous French lesson Monday 18. That I’ve begun to talk a little – partial sentences – in French, with my teacher 19. My dress 20. My two skirts 21. My nice new shoes 22. Me with a little makeup on 23. Light little bits of perfume 24. M 25. DRAs. Really. (Reading assessments) 26. Enthusiasm 27. Earrings 28. Necklaces 29. Bracelets 30. Rings. What riches these things are. Absolutely unnecessary. Just riches. 31. When L is romantic (not so much when he’s not) 32. Upcoming weekend sounds exciting 33. Microsoft Excel 34. The internet 35. Tv 36. Books 37. My piano 38. Practicing Sat, Mon and Tues 39. That eating green veggies helps me emotionally 40. As does staying away from large quantities of sugar 41. And from all artificial sweeteners 42. L’s music 43. Structure 44. That my house is neat 45. My cell phone 46. My principal. Bless her heart 47. Jo. I’m SO SORRY she is leaving our school, so sorry on our behalf that is. But grateful for her in my life 48. And for her sake that she is doing something career-wise that she wants to do 49. That my grammar isn’t worse. 50. Email 51. My morning phone calls with M 52. That most people mean well 53. That that airplane terrorist plot was foiled! 54. That I have a job 55. That I live a reasonable length, and pleasant enough commute from work 56. The phrase, “Viewed from the moon.” It helps me get/keep “problem” things in better perspective 57. I’m grateful that I have a stove 58. And a microvave 59. And for the literacy meeting we just had (I’m at work – prep now) 60. And the great article they gave us 61. And that I was brave and stood up for using the time and wanting to learn, not sit around and bs. Not that way – politely – but did it: ) 62. That L texted me 63. That I will get to discuss some crap that’s bothering me, with my dr. today 64. That I am managing to have 15 or so minutes of my prep period today: ) 65. That I will have the whole lunch hour 66. Mozart this coming weekend 67. Dinner at vegan place this coming weekend. Excited about that 68. And that will get to see J and S 69. That, despite how very very much I miss her, at least I don’t have to walk doggie anyway 70. Piano in my classroom 71. Aide A, who loves me 72. Aide T, who does such a great job 73. London. So grateful did that. And when did. 74. That la said yes to do the things… 75. Pills 76. Vitamins 77. Kitchen cabinets 78. And floor 79. Sink 80. Water. Water water water 81. Brussel sprouts and kale and protein coming at lunch today 82. That I am who I am (who said that lol) 83. Prayer 84. Trees in leaf 85. My oak tree. MY oak tree. 86. Gonna buy an outdoor table soon 87. Math. That I appreciate it and love teaching it 88. Books 89. French! 90. Mother’s day things we’ve been doing in class here 91. Singing with the children 92. Graph art 93. Picture books 94. Computer 95. Tissue paper 96. Tissues 97. Cloth napkins 98. Zebras 99. Smiles 100. My feet and all they can do

Feelings Work

I feel: Disappointed that L. is so doing-the-thing driven while I am so romance driven. Realizing that I have to hold back a bit, because men like the chase. Although I would rather effuse. Damn it. So, disappointed in that too. Happy about all the things for which I am grateful. And the happy, wonderful times with L. Wishing he were more CONSISTENTLY lovey. Kind of pissed at almost everybody: D and her incessant talking and showing off which is not even real, at the meetings M for needing to say bs about herself to build herself up, and for thinking she's helping ME somehow, by including me in it too. No! Aides for leaving fucking pigsties all over the place And - is it what I've been eating or not good enough sleep ... 5 good things about me: 1. I am compassionate when others are in need 2. I share my feelings pretty well 3. I am affectionate 4. I am patient - and more than used to be 5. i am funny - am always told that, irl

Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. Beautiful cards 2. That I can afford some of them 3. Plenty of good, healthy food in the house. 4. Time in the sunroom with L! Finally. The sunroom. The source of J and my fights for years. The teeny little room on the teeny little house…Being used. And enjoyed. Even thought still not finished! But sweet. And being enjoyed. Yay. 5. I didn’t grieve for J this weekend. Have a number of times during the last 2 weeks. 6. When L said, during that amazing part of the music, “Its like he’s saying, ‘So I’m feeling romantic! Kill me!’” 7. Kisses 8. That I feel SO DIFFERENT than I did last Monday 9. That I have fabulous plans for this coming weekend 10. French 11. Lesson today! 12. And now it’s Tuesday. Love quotes 13. The cards I send L. 14. Music in my house 15. I can walk 16. I can talk 17. I can breathe on my own 18. I can see 19. I can hear 20. I can taste 21. I can smell 22. I have a shower 23. And a bathtub 24. I have 10 fingers 25. And 10 toes 26. And 20 nails 27. And hair on my head 28. And eyelashes 29. And eyebrows 30. I know someone with alopecia and she is fine and whole and wonderful, but I am grateful to have hair every place I “should” have it 31. I have a job 32. Helping others 33. I have a home 34. I have a car 35. I am going to fix up my house. 36. Now! 37. BEFORE he gets any of my money! 38. Soon I will be divorced. I wouldn’t have wanted it, but since it has to be because he wants it, at least it should be over soon: ) 39. I have clothes 40. I have food 41. I have a roof 42. I have water 43. I have juice 44. I have medicines I need 45. I have vitamins 46. I have fresh organic fruit in my fridge right now! 47. I have vegan mayonnaise 48. I am losing weight 49. I have love in my life 50. I have God in my life 51. I have friends. And because of some dramas yesterday (oy) at work, I need to “name” – well initial, them now. To remind me of those for whom I am so grateful. 52. I am grateful for M 53. MA 54. ML 55. Ma 56. Mar 57. S 58. O 59. Jo 60. Joa 61. Other J 62. S 63. L 64. And for my dr 65. And for my principal 66. And for my assistant principal 67. And for my superintendent of schools 68. And for my mother 69. And for K 70. And for KD 71. And for my dear students 72. And some of their parents 73. And past parents too 74. And all the thanks I’ve gotten over all these years 75. And that it’s not time to retire yet. 76. And that someday it will be : ) 77. That I’ve done sightseeing in London 78. And sat again with Thich Nhat Hanh 79. And did both alone this time! 80. That I had safe flights both ways 81. And ferry trips 82. And subway trips 83. And tube trips (these above are her AND there) 84. And car trips 85. And bus trips 86. And tour bus trips 87. And walks 88. And crossings of streets 89. And meals in restaurants 90. And I have my blog 91. And YOU*! 92. And I can write 93. And type 94. And afford stamps 95. And I will say something beautiful to my beloved aide today (not the other one!) 96. That I am a good teacher 97. That little A has grown SO MUCH as a reader this year! 98. That little l is making a special huggy picture for me. I love that child 99. That I work with children 100. And am treated like a rock star in the halls ! : )

Affirmations

I am good I am good enough I am wonderful I am lucky My life is wonderful My life is perfect All is perfect!

Feelings

I feel: Disgusted with some people. But NOT hurt like I would have been months/years ago!:) Okay! Physically okay. Emotionally okay. Spiritually okay. Grateful for that! 5 good things about me: 1. I am no longer constricted about who I am 2. I was brave enough to go to London. Alone. 3. I am an easily, deeply spiritual person. 4. I share 5. I am self-aware and grow and change and improve

Readings

For Today: "How seek the way which leadeth to our wishes? By renouncing our wishes. The crown of excellence I renunciation." Hafiz Divan How I struggle to get what I want? Where is that perfect friend, mate, child I so hoped for? What can i do to attain the prestige, power, money and success i feel i deserve Here, took their OA program shows me the answer: Thought I may think I want all these things, what I really want is to be at peace with myself. No person, possession or acclaim can do that for me. OA's suggestion is: Let go your wishes, turn them over to your Higher Power to grant or not as God sees fit. An immediate result of renouncing my wishes is that I stop thinking about them. i live in the moment, giving the best thought I am capable of to each task that comes to hand. For today: I have complete faith that, as I turn over what I want, God will give me what I need. -- Voices of Recovery: "At the very first meeting we attended, we learned that we were in the clutches of a dangerous illness, and that willpower, emotional health, and self-confidence, which some of us had once possessed, were no defense against it." OA second edition, p. 1 The only defense I have against the disease of compulsive overeating is a spiritual one. After years in the program, after weight loss, after learning and practicing healthy eating habits, after discovering better ways to react to life's changes. I must continue to search for and accept guidance from a Higher Power. How many times have I fallen for the mistaken notion that after a few days or months of successful eating and living. I can again take charge of my life? I've learned the hard way, by successful relapses and humiliations, that no matter how much better I look, act, or feel, God must always be in charge of my life. My continued recovery depends on the emotional maintenance and growth of my spiritual condition. That hasn't changed from the day i set foot in my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting, and it never will. -- In This Moment: In This Moment, I'm envious. I hate it when I feel envy and I was just feeling it tonight. I feel tightness in my throat and there's a knot inside my chest. I called my sponsor to talk about this flaw. Talking with her diffuses the power of the envy and I'm able to own up to it. now, I'm entirely ready to ask God to remove this character defect. -- The Language of Letting Go: Giving Ourselves What We Deserve I worked at a good job, making a decent salary. I had been recovering for years. Each morning, I got into my car and I thanked God for the car. The heater didn't work. And the chance of the car not starting was almost as great as the chance that it would. i just kept suffering through, and thanking God. One day, it occurred to me that there was absolutely no good reason I couldn't buy myself a new car - that moment - if i wanted one. I had been gratitude-ing myself into unnecessary deprivation and martyrdom. I bought the new car - that day. Anonymous Often, our instinctive reaction to something we want or need is, "No! I can't afford it!" The question we can learn to ask ourselves is, "But, can I?" Many of us have learned to habitually deprive ourselves of anything we might want, and often things we need. Sometimes, we can misuse the concept of gratitude to keep ourselves unnecessarily deprived. Gratitude for what we have is an important recovery concept. So is believing we deserve the best and making nan effort to stop depriving ourselves and start treating ourselves well. there is nothing wrong with buying ourselves what we want when we can afford to do that. learn to trust and listen to yourself about what you want. There's nothing wrong with buying yourself a treat, buying yourself something NEW. There are times when it is good to wait. There are times when we legitimately cannot afford a luxury. But there are many times when we can. Today, I will combine the principles of gratitude for what I have with the belief that I deserve the best. if there is no good reason to deprive myself, I won't. ==