This Is the Letter He Knows I Have Put in His Suitcase

Oct 8, 2012 So I’m checking my Journal from Friday night. Ouch. This was BEFORE I accidentally stumbled upon evidence that EVENTUALLY after MANY MORE, painful lies, led to the truth (or, as much of it as I know now). Among other things, it says, in the way I was writing, that was as if I were talking to you: “If you ‘thought I would be mad, ‘ then you shouldn’t have done it. Doing it and lying about it – twice (two ways) can’t be the answer to how you treat your girlfriend!” “I never thought I’d be sitting here alone and you’d be out with another woman – EXACTLY where you could be with me – on your birthday.” “I feel really bad sitting here alone tonight with you CHOOSING to be there. Without me and with someone else.” “And another lie. ANOTHER lie. You still didn’t tell me. YOU KNEW you’d kept saying “only one ticket,” and you said, “thought you’d be mad that I wasn’t going with you,” not – “thought you’d be mad that I was going with someone else.” And I had writing in my journal also: “Too many lies. Too much bullshit. No.” And this was BEFORE you’d admitted that you were with someone else. -- And I also wrote this: “You ‘couldn’t in good conscience wake me with news that could wait until morning.’ But you could in good conscience lie to me 3 times? And spend your birthday with someone else, doing exactly what you could have been doing with me? And not tell me?! Wow.” And I had written this, too, in my lonely pain while you were out on your lying cheating little date: “Call HER to go out tomorrow. Or anyone else you’d rather have spent last night with than me. And I’ll do the same. Because I’d rather be with any other man I know right now than with you.” And this: “I don’t need a relationship where I’m avoided. And I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT be in a relationship where I’m lied to.” And finally, I had written this: “I hope your decision to put your petty little enjoyment of a couple of hours ahead of the rest of your relationship with me – to risk losing me forever rather than losing out on this little evening out with Victoria at the play, was worth it. Goodbye, Louis.” And all of this above was BEFORE you’d admitted that you were with someone else. You see? I KNEW. -- Only I didn’t even KNOW the real truth even then! Holy shit. “Victoria” Wow. What a fool you made of me. I had always thought of you as an innocent person. But you’re not. You’re capable of a great deal of deception. And you keep saying you feel nothing for her (Eileen). And you didn’t care about that play at all. So that’s even worse, don’t you see? It means you’re capable of a great deal of deception – against me – while I’m spending time, energy, love, and 650 dollars on you – for things you don’t even care about! Wow. But then your further lies convinced me otherwise. Only I’d been right all along. Wow. Are you now still lying, and expecting me to believe that she called you out of the blue AND you just happened to not mention that I exist, which you certainly seem to mention to everyone else, AND you just happened to mention for no reason that Fri. is your birthday AND she just happened to have 2 tickets to a musical and no one to go with What a series of coincidences! I keep hearing these words from you to me on the phone, over and over in my head now, “I have absolutely no plans.” You actually said that sentence twice. While you had a date. And of COURSE you paid for dinner. I’d known THAT all along. Predictable. Your words: “Well, I mean, she had paid for the tickets.” Oh dear sweet Louis, always doing the right thing, aren’t you? Yeah. You didn’t even say close and loving words last night. You did your math papers. -- I think it was the flattery that seduced you. I can see you there now. Like on your first date with me. Charming, smiling, drinking wine. It’s revolting to me. I feel nauseous. Again. Maybe you don’t ever want to be close to someone? Maybe that’s why you had to sabotage this. Or maybe you needed the flattery. Or the stimulation. Or maybe you’re just a selfish little shit. I don’t know. It’s a shame. A shame you created. I’m glad to know now. I wish I’d known sooner. I’d rather have not wasted 7 months of my life. ==