My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Nice time out with M. last night. I’d thought she needed to go someplace and talk. Like a dimly lit restaurant, crying…I was fine with that. But she needed positivity and and bright and music…So we went to the expensive mall, and had cheap dinners, and walked and movement window-shopped. It was good for her.
2. She told me something amazing! I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone, so I can’t even put it here, but I’m happy for her about it. It’s a phew.
3. She is really going through with this divorce. And it is so hard. Her face looks like she was punched – hard – in the stomach every time she mentions aching for her girls (half time custody). But I know it will be better for them all in the long-run.
4. I got to see her parents, whom I also love, for a few minutes.
5. They were on their way to a celebratory party for their friend who finished her cancer treatments yesterday. So – lots of good news yesterday.
6. I had messed up the schedule, double-booking something. But it got worked out, with the help of an office person. Phew.
7. And Jo. I’m so so grateful for Jo. We had lunch together yesterday. We had a nice time.
8. And I picked her brain (I had told her I wanted to in advance) about how to, like, feel better as single person. (She is in a long-term relationship living together, but has been in this position in her life).
9. And it was very helpful. Very.
10. And at the end, we hugged and she hugs tight for a long time.
11. And she said, “I love you.”
12. And I said it too.
13. And then – she called me an inspiration. Wow.
14. Maybe we’ll socialize one time outside of school?
15. My mother swears she did her exercises yesterday.
16. And I was able to make sure she got her pills. They’d been – this is hard to even say – stolen, apparently by the EMS. But J and I worked together, and we made sure she didn’t find out (or she’d never call for help again), and that she has all she needs now. That was no small feat.
17. So I’m grateful that we were able to do it.
18. And I’m grateful that we could work together.
19. Doggie is here! We have cuddled and she has been “treated” and she’s here all weekend: )
20. I’m grateful for the gifts I’ve given M’s girls lately.
21. And that one of the gifts I’ve given her, that she has in a special place.
22. And she told me something last night that I hadn’t put together in my own head. I need a coat and am not buying one until next year. And I’m okay with that. But I did offer her money from my (meager) bank account, when she was afraid she couldn’t afford to leave him. The way she put it last night was, “You didn’t buy yourself a coat, but you offered me ____dollars.” That was nice of me and I’m grateful for it.
23. And grateful that she said it.
24. I got all the stuff done for my mom that I needed to Thurs. pm. It was hard. On a few levels. At one point, when I was leaving to go home, and was physically shaking (8 – 9 hours since lunch, and nerves, and fatigue after long and stressful day/evening), I remembered she needed milk. I said, “I’ll go get the milk and drop it off.” But when I left, I was shaking, and thought, “I cannot do this. Cannot. I can do no more.” And thought of calling her best friend who lives upstairs and saying, “Just please bring her down some milk for tonight. I am shaking and can do no more.” But then I was able to say to myself, “You can go to the corner, come back, and then go home. *Just do the next right thing. “ And I did it. And it felt great!
25. And she again expressed her deep gratitude for me and “all I do for her.”
26. Okay, I’ve been putting this one off, ‘cause it terrifies me. But I’ll admit it. Which will help me do it. And I *am * very grateful for it. Okay. Here goes. Jo gave me homework. (I’ve always asked my shrink for it, and here, *she * gave me some: ). She said. I am. To. Take myself on a date. Gulp. Out somewhere or in (like glass of wine, nice dinner, candles here – or whatever.) Dressed. . . . Like I would do for a date. But *I * am the date.
Oy. And that I am to do it this weekend. I am thinking of tonight, but that *could * be depressing as it is J’s birthday. He is 53 today. And it will be the first one I’m not with him since he was 25. But then, it could be the best thing for me. CoDA-wise, like, “This is not about J. This is about me. And I’m having fun!” Yeah. I think I will do the standard. Either dinner out, or a movie. I can read at dinner. That is allowed lol. Or not. OR if there is a movie I *want * to see, I’ll do that. Okay. Okay. And I’ll make sure I’m “dressed.” And I’ll make sure the bed is made so when I get into it, it’s not like crawling into the cave… Okay.
27. Or – maybe I’ll do the “here” thing. This way I won’t leave Phoebe alone. Ooh – I can eat in the d. r., nice like mentioned above, and then do a movie through cable, the 5 dollar thing, while cuddling doggie. Oooh. That’s good. But I won’t be in the schleppy jammies. I’ll have makeup on and clothes. And shoes. And I’ll sit up. I’m crying now. Not sure why. But let me think. What else can make it feel special? One flower in a bud vase. Clean house. Oh. Oh. Magazines ready? No. That’s schleppy.
28. Other option: sitting in living room and reading a for-fun NOT for self-improvement book. Like my Phillipa Gregory. With carbonated grape or apple something. (I do kind of hate to buy wine as I wind up throwing out most of the bottle). And doggie. And flowers.
29. Grateful I have choices.
30. And that they are these kind of choices. Not, do I eat or does my child eat today kind of choices.
31. Oh my gosh. In 2 hours M gets to be back with here girls!
32. And she said yesterday, that I am fun and funny with the kids. And that she and another teacher were talking about that yesterday.
33. I *know * I gave my kiddies a GREAT day yesterday. Learning, always but so so so especially in second grade, should be FUN! And I think I’m back on track that I am sweet and kind and calm and yet enthusiastic, and they are excited and giggling and creating and having fun while really learning. Phew. This has been a tough haul. I haven’t been horrible, nor have they stopped learning, but I haven’t been my BEST self. And I think I am able to be again. I even started cleaning up my recently developed piles. Phew.
34. Prayer
35. Oh – and last night at the mall, I found a shop where I am going to buy a Buddha statue! I’ve wanted one, and even looked online. But expensive!... But this place has beautiful ones, and not too expensive. I think I’m going to buy myself one for my birthday! (in March).
36. I did decide to do the valentine’s secret buddy thing at work.
37. The person I got, I think I will be able to do really nice and meaningful (and inexpensive) things for, and she’ll like them.
38. And hopefully someone will be doing nice things for me.
39. And I’m glad I can say that.
40. And I’ve already gotten some extra-helpful ideas about my receivee, from my aide. ‘Cause she knows things about her. Good.
41. Today I’ll get to take my mother to the bank and shopping.
42. And I’ll help her with the walker situation.
43. And I’ll do my banking and shopping too.
44. And send phone-therapist the money.
45. And set up an appointment.
46. I’m kind of off all day today. For a while I’ve been wishing for a day a week with absolutely nothing planned. But the mother and self banking and shopping gets me out and about and is better at this point, as otherwise I might veg in a bad way. So you never know.
47. Peace everywhere there is peace.
48. I’m grateful that I can see.
49. And speak.
50. And I need fewer Claritan pills now. I skip lots of days with no ill effects. My breathing is so much better.
51. I’m sure I’ll give the kids a great week next week.
52. The patterning coloring book I bought myself online “Hidden Transformations.” And that it came. And I’m enjoying it.
53. Tea
54. Mindfulness. Maybe I can continue getting more back into it.
55. I don’t feel like shit today. No really. That’s huge.
56. Sitcoms I like in background right now as doing this.
57. Going out with friends is more fun than I’d thought it would be. Different than when J was my higher power. Better
58. I visited with MA yesterday! Between school and going out with M.
59. D is a difficult person but I’m so much more compassionate now and for the first time ever she’s said she *wants * to work on being a better person. And we’re going out to dinner soon. And she wants me to help get her started on “how to do” gratitudes. I’m happy to do that!
60. I slept last night.
61. Plus could feel doggie there at times : )
62. Had interesting dreams, but not nightmares.
63. Other than the lie to my mother for her sake, I am an honest person. And I’m grateful for that.
64. And for the delightful little diversion of L.
65. Dr. appointments soon. Multiple. Scary. But grateful can *see * doctors about these things, not just suffer.
66. Vacation coming soon. Needed. Including for one of these tests.
67. And – will get massage during vacation: )
68. Word games.
69. The parents coming in yesterday and doing the most adorable, amazing project with the kids.
70. And my aide hanging them (the projects – not the kids lol) right away. They look so cute!
71. And me letting the 2 kids who wanted to take theirs home right away, do so.
72. That on the way home last night, feeling so sick I was moaning, on the news station I always listen to, was a thing about prayer! And just to talk to God like that guy was talking to us now.
73. I think I shall watch the Super Bowl tomorrow. Hey. Maybe if I make it nice, *that * can be my date! I have never done this except when a guy wanted to, like J., just to be with him. But I actually want to this year. The teams, Madonna, the commercials. I think I shall make that my date. Yes.
74. I’m so grateful that I took this homework seriously.
75. Oh – and tonight for dinner, I think I shall sit at the table (first time alone at table in over a year) and do my French homework!
76. Sweaters that don’t look matronly.
77. I got a lot of compliments yesterday.
78. That I did get up and do this today.
79. My oak tree.
80. Whoa. Wow. *My * oak tree.
81. Poetry.
82. Massages.
83. Doggie’s little feet. I love them. They are too adorable.
84. And when she folds herself up like a little fawn. SO cute!
85. That I just found out from Speech teacher that she has same kind of doggie. And so we both really get it about this breed. (Although I love all dogs!)
86. Happier, lighter, a little inside. Wow. I don’t think I could have ever believed I would EVER feel happier and lighter inside. And MOST CERTAINLY NOT without J.
87. *************I AM a whole person.
88. My friends here told me last spring that I am. And I so appreciated hearing that from their loving hearts. And it was the start of my knowing it.
89. And now I know it. I *feel * it.
90. My working laptop.
91. Our broken-in-two-ways AverMedia has been replaced! (Jo again). Yay. I can use the SMARTBoard again.
92. K gave me the paperwork to fill out for the course.
93. Ma was nice to me yesterday.
94. And Tr. was too.
95. I am healthy this weekend (unlike last).
96. Things do change.
97. *HOPE *
98. A day. A whole day. A day of life. A day to be HAPPY! Why not?
99. Oh my dear God, what a difference. I truly am experiencing a miracle. A transformation.
100. You if you are reading this.