My 100 Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. That I woke up in a good place (“mood”) today. 2. That I WOKE UP today. 3. For this class. I love these children. 4. And that I told them so yesterday. 5. That I will probably next year either stay in second, where it is a bit easier because the curriculum is lighter and I get to work with M, or move to third, which is my favorite grade. 6. That I went to 7-11 at 5:14 this morning for coffee! It was so beautiful out! New day, new start, brisk, a bit dark, the-world-just-waking-up kind of a feeling. So nice. 7. That I am sitting here sipping pumpkin spice coffee with plain soymilk right now. Special. It turns out I don’t even really like it lol, but I’m enjoying it as a luxury. 8. That I love my new Nook! I thought I’d be hooked on the paper versions of books and never like such a thing. But I love it. Especially in bed at night. In fact, as I told a member of my book group yesterday, I can’t tell if I’m really loving this book, or if I’m just loving the EXPERIENCE of reading it, on my Nook! : ) 9. I am grateful that – gulp – repeats of Roseanne 10. That I’m having a nice talk with L on the phone right now 11. That he’s FINALLY given me an idea for his birthday next weekend 12. That we are going someplace wonderful today 13. And we have choices 14. And he will pay. Phew. 15. It is Monday morning now. I had an absolutely harrowing drive home last NIGHT. I was nauseous; I was dizzy; I was lightheaded; it was dark; the windshield was, surprisingly, blurry; my car had been burglarized that morning!; I was very very tired as it was past my bedtime(!); I kind of panicked. I prayed and prayed for God to help me. (I also called L and he stayed on the phone with me). Anyway, at THAT time, ALL I wanted was to get home safely. And I did. After a LONG and harrowing drive, with a major delay at the bridge, I got home safely. And I am so very grateful for that. 16. Despite an uneven weekend, and some seriously mixed and trouble feelings the past 2 weeks or so, I am so grateful for some wonderful beautiful things that occurred with L this weekend. Including his greeting when I got there. So welcoming! So kissy and affectionate and sort of appreciative-of-me-feeling! 17. And what he said on the couch. He said, and I quote, “Lynn, I love you with all my heart.” Wow. I am so grateful that I got to hear that. 18. And we had a very nice time, going into the city for the day and a light healthy little lunch 19. and a great nice wine experience before dinner 20. and another place for a great healthy dinner. 21. And wonderful activities in between 22. And after 23. Woke up Sunday morning so affectionately 24. L had bad headache and I’m grateful that he asked for Reiki 25. And that I gave him great Reiki 26. And that it helped his headache a bit 27. And that it was so wonderful for ME 28. And it is later now. And I am grateful that M and I had a nice talk this morning 29. And that L and I had a nice, and honest one too. 30. And that he does seem to love me. I am not sure if he is CAPABLE of being the kind of boyfriend/lover/significant other I need. I’m not even sure if what I need is just way too much; but then again I think MOST women need more than he is capable of doing at this point…S feels L can change and has changed since me, compared to the almost decade he’s known him. Jo feels she has actually SEEN him change over the 20 years or so he’s known him. I don’t know. So I’m torn between: stop seeing him because this cannot stay for the long-term and will go nowhere and hurt him more later, and: don’t be alone(!) plus you’re good for each other right NOW so don’t worry about the future, AND you do care for him . . .and you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing so it is not a time for a decision…But the gratitude is that I am grateful that he does seem to feel he loves me. 31. And that I feel love for him too. 32. And I must say it again as I am doubly grateful that I am home safe! 33. It is Tuesday. I am grateful that at yesterday’s faculty meeting, we had fun 34. And worked together. It was nice 35. Today’s For Today. SO me. 36. Wow. Today’s “The Language of Letting Go” too. Very important for me! 37. I’m grateful that my email and phone time with L yesterday was so nice. 38. I’m still so grateful that I got home safely Sunday night. 39. I am grateful that I am able to leave about an hour later today: ) 40. And going to professional development in the city 41. And will have lunch at a restaurant I like, with D. 42. I am grateful that I got to talk with my mom yesterday. (I do every day; I’m just grateful for it.) 43. I am grateful for all the time I had with J. 44. I am deeply sorry I lost him, but grateful for the lessons learned from that experience. 45. I am grateful that although I’ve been feeling a little depressed on and off, it is nothing like how bad it was. 46. I am grateful, so grateful, for this class. They are so good. 47. And for my honesty. 48. And that yesterday, when I was SO fatigued, I was actually EXTRA nice to them. 49. I am grateful that we got into the computer room yesterday 50. And they had fun 51. And we’re going again later this week. 52. I am grateful for my most recent orgasm, which was super duper. 53. I am grateful that L is so good to me in bed. 54. And that he really tries to be a good boyfriend. I do wonder if we can stay together for very long, because I do have very good reason to wonder how much he is capable of in terms of closeness, but I am grateful that he tries. 55. I am so grateful that I sleep. I don’t do well without sleep at all, and that happened the other night. But I am so grateful that I do sleep, and enough, almost every night. 56. I don’t know why it is so hard to do these lately. It feels like I’m never getting to a hundred. More like I’m trying to do a thousand. But I’m grateful that I’m still trying to do. 57. I am grateful that I have food 58. And water 59. And a tv 60. And a laptop computer 61. And an iPhone 62. And a Nook 63. I am grateful for good books 64. And beauty. Beauty in architecture 65. And in paintings 66. And in musiv 67. And in svulptures 68. And in people 69. And clothing 70. And makeup 71. And decorating 72. And kindness 73. I am grateful that I am a teacher 74. And a good one 75. And that L and I have finally come up with a good plan for his birthday this coming weekend. 76. I am grateful that I can read 77. And that my brain can understand things. 78. And that I don’t have to drive today 79. And for the safe ride down here today with D (It is now after 9:00 – but I’m not giving up! : ) ) 80. I am grateful that my district is paying for me to be here. Something like $750.00 – PLUS my salary for the day is being paid – PLUS my sub’s pay for the day 81. I am glad it is not the person who started the whole thing, except for one hour. I had heard that it would be. But she is SO intense, and even condescending! So I’m glad it’s tTHIS teacher. Good. 82. I am grateful that I am such a ridiculously fast typist, and just emailed L as well as taking copious notes here. Goody 83. Grateful that I have enegry 84. And took good little walk uphill and stairs to get here. 85. And grateful for the vanilla nut coffee from 78-11 with chocolate almond milk (from home) this morning 86. And the blueberry coffee from 7-11 with original soy milk from home this am too 87. I am grateful that I took MY laptop, the good one, here today. 88. And that the district has replaced my broken one. 89. And put my old stuff from the broken one on the (used at new to me) replacement. 90. Grateful for the daily readings books 91. Ad that I put them here today 92. And read them 93. SO grateful that J has done all he’s done and is still doing fro my mother. 94. Including getting the helpers for when she gets back home. 95. And that I will make sure that I give him HALF of anything she might still have and leave me. He deserves it, and it is the right thing. 96. I am grateful that he knows this, and trusts this. 97. And that he seems to know and trust me 98. I am grateful for his wonderful kisses. 99. And for L’s wonderful kisses. 100. I am grateful that I can breathe on my own.