Journal

Damn. Horrible nightmares all night. Awoke depressed. Tons to do. I MUST get over it.

Overcome your uncertainties and free yourself from dwelling on sorrow. When you delight in existence, you will become a guide to those in need, revealing the path to many.
— Buddha




I don't seem to have this ability this morning. I am trying. My stomach feels like it has sunk out of my body. Please God, help me to do this.

It feels ALL J-related. But really, it HAS to be about ME.
That thought gives me great hope.
I remember - and I know it was over TEN YEARS AGO, the day I was invited to a birthday party. It was relatively new at this school. It was an after-school little get-together at someone's house and so J wasn't invited. Another teacher was driving or I must have been following her over, yeah. We had to stop at a little store to pick up soda or something. I think MY job as soda.
This is SUCH a nothing, right?
Wrong.
I was feeling so shy and scared that I became physically sick. Nauseous nauseous nauseous. I knew it was overwhelming nerves. But I TOLD the other teacher I was feeling sick, as I HAD TO get out of the store and get air!
Omg.
When I think of that now.
So sad, that poor girl (me).
But the POINT is - I WAS married to J. And I actually had a SINKING FEELING IN MY STOMACH just about going to a little get-together. So THAT helps me to REMEMBER that *J* is NOT the answer. He is the crutch.
Yes, there ARE ways in which I do truly love him, and we DID have many nice times. And the rejection IS about the worst thing for me, but her sinking feeling - after this time, ... THIS has to have to do with NEED for SAVING.
And so - I MUST find another way to save myself or be saved by God.
Ok...




This is good. AND it ALSO shows that I am not the only one who feels these things... I don't want to be a "misery-loves-company" person - but I do mean that, perhaps it is part of the human condition...







Marianne Williamson
Abundance shows up in your life when you show up in your abundance.



When you begin to expand your consciousness, you start realizing a lot of the obstacles in your life aren't even there. And are actually created by your thoughts. Change your thoughts and you change your world.