My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

Very dearly need to find gratitudes today.

1. I am grateful for the birds. I have not been this depressed in like 29 years. In a way, it’s better than when J. left and left finally. But in an ongoing internal deep way, It’s like 29 years ago. I would rather not have even born. I am very scared of the future. BUT – the birds – are dependent on me. I MUST give them fresh water and greens and fresh seed-pellet food every morning. They are alive, are dependent, deserve to live, and seem to WANT to live (lol). So HAVING to take care of them, helps get me here, going, to work. Because if do live, I really NEED this job…
2. I am dearly grateful to you if you are reading this. Being alone in cyber-space would feel like too much for me rithgt now.
3. Li, who, when I would complain about J. leaving, would say to me about his wife, whom I’ll call Jane, “Jane DIED.” And he would really make a point with me with that.
4. These kids in this class.
5. That I don’t cheat, being online or doing my personal stuff on computer when the kids are here in the room. I HAVE done it. But I don’t now.
6. That paying my mother’s bills, which still torments me, is not quite the hell it used to be.
7. That my students mostly LIKE learning
8. M. She will be absent all day today and I miss her so. It is a reminder of how much she means to me
9. And how grateful I am that I get to work with her, too
10. A. Helpful this morning.
11. Jo. Cares about me.
12. So does L. Although EJ makes a good point…. I have to think about this.
13. EJ!
14. Birdie!
15. JJ!
16. Rose quarltz. It is supposed to be about self-love. Am wearing one in a bracelet now.
17. All those years J cared about me so much
18. Like when I had the heart procedure. How RELIEVED he was that I was okay. How worried he’d been
19. And when I had 10 days in the hosp. for the pneumonia. How he MISSED me so much
20. And when I had the hysterectomy. How he’d walk with me.
21. And set me up in the yard…
22. And bring me things
23. And wheeled me around the Botanical Gardens in a wheelchair.
24. The walks we took in the aquaduct
25. And the reservation 40 minutes from our home
26. And our nearby park
27. All with doggie off-leash
28. And the “dog park
29. And the woods he walks her in now still
30. The Indian buffet we used to enjoy going to together
31. And the day we felt so special joining O and B there.
32. And B. paid for us that day too
33. The great sex we had
34. The beautiful kisses
35. The holds and hugs
36. Me getting him to the hospital on time those times
37. Books to help people like me
38. And J. having pointed out that they didn’t write them all just in case *I * came along. Others must suffer too. And there is a way out.
39. It is all I can do to not cry in class this day. (this is a break time while I’m writing this). But I’m NOT crying in class…
40. It would be much worse if I were in sn iron lung. Glad I’m not
41. Or in hospital with pneumonia. Which almost was. Glad I’m not.
42. That the overly-pushy sub isn’t being as pushy lately.
43. Cheerful books
44. That I did go toEngland.
45. Alone.
46. And enjoyed it all
47. So much
48. That I TRY to do what’s right for the kids! Really! Their self-estee, as usual
49. And even their curriculum of course
50. That I am an upstanding person who does look at herself with always an eye toward improvement
51. And I do put in the work
52. As much as I can
53. That I can ee
54. That I can work
55. That I have a job
56. And a car
57. And filled it with gas this am
58. Full serve stations
59. Children’s smiles
60. I am grateful that I am eating BROCCOLI. I actually skipped greens for2 days. Oh my God how could I!
61. And I’ll have more for dinner.
62. There is hope. There MUST be.
63. Texting (on my time off(
64. That I have a piano in my classroom.
65. I will practice now. At my lunchtime. Fro about 40 minutes or so.
66. That will help my sanit
67. And - will also help me play better at recital
68. Friends who care
69. Not just for me. For others too.
70. And that *I * care for my friends
71. Mirror app on iPhone
72. Lovely teenage kisses I had as a teen with G
73. And great orgasms with Jo
74. Summer
75. Jewel
76. I’ll bet they are playing now.
77. Although it looked stupid to me, I fdid but the basketball hoop toy for them.
78. Grateeful because they LOVE it!
79. They move that basketball
80. In and out
81. And left to right!
82. And last night started with the chewy thing
83. LOVE The rings
84. And the chains (plastic)
85. So I’ll wait TWO weeks every time before switching
86. That I am giving even more to the kids now that beflre
87. Jo – and how much help she always was with the computers
88. And even life stuff
89. That that lingering winter illness passed
90. The practice of gratitudes
91. I WILL get to the dreaded bank and mother trip later.
92. My piano at home
93. That my piano at worked was just tuned.
94. And my home one can be soon.
95. Email
96. My lovely part-time aide
97. That I have a FEW thousand dollars in savings. Should have hundreds of thousands,.. But oh well. Can only do today today
98. THAT knowledge – reminder – that can only do today today.
99. Good doctors
100. Modern art

And - ones I had from the other day but didn't finish or post:

1. A good relationship can open up
2. I meditated for 5 minutes this morning
3. I have found my breath.
4. (I am also grateful that I could not feel to meditate all by myself, so went and sat in M’s room while she worked and did it.)
5. (And am grateful that she was good with that too “let me”)
6. And am grateful that she gave me so many materials today! All run off for my class and everything!
7. Also made such a healthy salad for lunch
8. And 2 little apples
9. And making sure to get water
10. So that in a way, the desperation is “forcing” me to take care. Or at least that I am able to use it in that way
11. That I do love training and taming and playing with the parakeets
12. And rotating their toys
13. And buying them new toys
14. And practicing piano
15. And walking outside
16. And dancing
17. And stamped cross-stitch
18. Looking at art, like fb art pages
19. I can’t make J. happy. No one can make someone else happy. It is good for me to remember that.
20. And that I can’t take away his tensions.
21. And that I didn’t CAUSE them. DIDN’T
22. They PRE-DATED me!
23. *I * can only be the best me I can be right now. THIS minute. One minute at a time.
24. And – WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME?!
25. And – IF he does NOT love me: - - that is no reason to lose my own life. My only life. My only own life.
26. The birds have flown together – BOTH of them – both Sat and Sun now. Free around the den. I remember when I wondered when/if that would ever happen
27. Let alone coming to my finger as a perch when they are outside of the cage! (Not enough to call them trained, which they may never be without wing-clipping, but I’m still TRYING to get us there without.
28. I have the power to make music. (With the piano)
29. AND – with my voice.
30. I am smart
31. I can handle what I HAVE TO
32. I can keep losing weight
33. And exercising
34. And enjoying time with my girlfriends
35. And my mother
36. And even L (as a friend)
37. MAYBE he’s REALISING I did not cause his problems. In any event, I * HAVE been learning a LOT for another relationship…
38. That am doing my job well (I am on here when someone ELSE is teaching the kids – not like, ignoring the kids!)
39. And now it is Tuesday morning **I am so so grateful for EJ’s beautiful comment.
40. And Birdie too. Dear Birdie who bothers to comment here.
41. I am not so depressed. Still a sinking feeling feeling I my stomach but only a little. And NOT depressed like Sunday. Yesterday was less. Today less still, so far.
42. That I have my job.
43. That I do it well.
44. I am so grateful that Summer is okay. He looked sick when I got home yesterday.
45. I am so grateful for M’s friendship. We talked on the phone when she needed me, and just now on our break when I wanted to catch her up on something.