My 100 Gratitudes Today

I HAVE TO FIND 100 gratitudes today right now. I have to.

I am grateful:

1. I was able to afford the activity center for the birds
2. I think I will get the wings clipped. At least the once.
3. I am breathing
4. And breathing on my own. This is fortunate
5. I have this moment
6. I have this day before me. Nothing is guaranteed; I don’t mean to be arrogant. But as the EXPRESSION goes, “I have 24 hours before me.” …
7. I am grateful for the years I had with J.
8. And our wedding day
9. And honeymoon
10. And for now – for now – um – I am grateful that the birds love that one toy so much. The first one; tall; wood; lots of little clothespin-like things. They climb; they pull; they move it to use as a tool to get to another one; they chew it…
11. They are chirping and seem quite happy this morning (as always except for the few times they’ve been scared)
12. How very long doggie went without ever knowing a bad feeling
13. I am fucked up. BUT I’m less crazy than I used to be
14. My digestive system works
15. My lungs work
16. And my nose. I had that surgery on both sides for the build-up of tissue and the 100% on one side and 95% on the other deviated septum. And it works.
17. My heart works
18. My mother is still alive
19. And having good days
20. I have some art work (prints) in the house
21. I bought a book and 3 magazines yesterday. That is lucky.
22. I have a job to go to. I am grateful for that
23. Jewel is swinging. They love that swing!
24. I found out that they also love to sleep on it (one always does – I’ve peeked) because it’s like in nature – if they sleep on something that moves easily, it serves as a warning system if a danger is nearby. That’s good.
25. Their colors are crisp and bright. Much moreso than the pics I take show. They are pretty. I’m glad because that helps people to like them.
26. I do more Koko the gorilla work with kids today. That’s good.
27. Some of my kids, unprovoked, said meditation is a way to help not worry. I was so glad I have shown them how.
28. The mornings when a lot of posts have come from the fb pages I’ve “Liked”
29. People who care about me
30. People who care about others
31. Slippers
32. A rob
33. All right. Here’s the thing. I miss J. so very much. AND I get so very afraid for the future. BUT – IN THE MOMENT – it doesn’t matter. When I was in the kitchen a minute ago, doin the coffee, it felt nice. Without J. And so on.
34. That I take such good care of the birds
35. I forget his name. But he was J’s very close friend some years ago. M, yes I remember his name now. And he had a HORRIFIC childhood. SO bad. And he was a grown adult, with a job, in a long-term relationship…. And re-working his childhood with “babyish” crafts ad things among other things. Had really turned his life around… Such a together man now. And an inspiration. And it makes ME feel ok when *I * am so child-like that it could be embarrassing here. Like the care take of the birds, for example, is important of course; they are living brings and dependent. But it IS child-like. I mean, they don’t TAKE THAT MUCH care. And I feel somewhat like an 11 year old or something . . . But tha is ok, thank you M.
36. Coffee. Not only is it helping me wake up, but it is helping my mood. When I wake up depressed, scared, … like some days, like today, by somewhere during first of 2 cups, regular or instanst, something about coffee caffeine etc. helps my feel more positive. I am SO VERY GRATEFUL for that!
37. I have never been in a tornado
38. I have made it through hurricanes
39. And super storm
40. And an earthquake
41. I just read that Winnie the Pooh is number 22 ofn the list of banned books. Oy. http://bannedbooks.world.edu/2011/06/19/banned-books-awareness-winniethepooh/ Well anyway, I am reading this book right now to my class. It is sweet, cute, funny, inspirational, and innocent, and this, the best class I’ve ever had, loves it so much!
42. M. Her friendship. Her acceptance of me and my issues.
43. And mine of her and hers
44. Life in this house. Oh thank you, Birds.
45. Piano in my classroom. Practicing helps my sanity. And I can do it, in privacy, at lunch many times and/or at a prep many times
46. That I don’t have to learn a brand-new curriculum next year, thank God.
47. Telephones
48. That despite someone making fun of me, I stay away from silk. I don’t like the ethic of breeding a species to use them and kill them. Let alone for a product we don’t need. The exploitive feeling of it.
49. Everyone who has ever helped me. Especially since the J stuff.
50. Including St
51. M
52. MA
53. Dr
54. YOU
55. EJ
56. JJ
57. Birdie
58. Magazines that offer health advice. They give me hope and courage and inspiration . For whatever reason. But I’m grateful for them.
59. Particularly Vegetarian Times
60. Prevention
61. VegNews sometimes
62. And the two you can get for free each month or so at the health food stores.
63. Talk about inspiration. World’s oldest Holocaust survivor. “I see beauty everywhere. I know about the bad things, but I look…” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnoQ8F_CUfE
64. Organic pb
65. Organic spelt bread
66. Banana
67. Salad for lunch
68. Subway sandwich for dinner
69. Will pay my mother’s people today
70. Will sleep tonight
71. That I sleep every night
72. I am not a slave
73. I am not in a concentration camp
74. I am not in a war
75. Beauty around me
76. In nature
77. In children
78. In my calligraphies by Thich Nhat Hanh
79. In art
80. In colors
81. Lots of good, interesting thing to do at work today
82. Brain stimulation
83. For myself
84. For the kids
85. For the birds even
86. O (friend/ piano teacher)
87. A just came on IM.
88. I feel not lonely now.
89. The truth is, M called AND I have the birds AND A is IMing
90. So, I am not alone. Not REALLY. Which means it is inside ME. Which means I CAN be rid of it….
91. Meditation this am will do!
92. My therapist coming Wed. It has been 5 long weeks!
93. I have always had enough food. It is hard being a compulsive overeater. But it must be even harder to be starving!
94. My birds have enough food. Always have; always will
95. That my fake friendship with Li finally ended. I get along with her. I can work with her. But she was not really a friend. Not in my definitions of friendship. At all!
96. I wish I had ended it sooner. And spent FAR FAR LESS of my J-time with HER. But – I think I am learning that it is worthwhile and unhealthy to wish for anything different in the past. And for THAT I am grateful.
97. Walking. My ability to walk
98. The children get to garden
99. I can speak
100. I have hair