Need to Write Down What Dr. Said

and any other hope I have.

He said:
Is this triggering something? Father's death (because I said felt that way that day)?
Is looking for WHY this hit me SO BIG
1. Have lived without J for a while down.
And functioned

I said but miserable...

He said why not enjoyment in things

I said I do enjoy. Last night with birds, often piano, friends.... But - is like My life is hell and I am hell. And for a minute here and there, s a relief from the depths of the hell. That is different than having a reason to live.

He also said be with people. Whatever have to do to not just keep thinking about it.

And that it's like *I AM BLOCKING IT OUT." So - why? Maybe feel don't DESERVE to?

Said (and I was writing while he spoke): "Others feel good FROM you - so I don't know why you can't for yourself."
and said, "It's hard to understand why someone with so many talents and assets could feel this way."

He said try the Buddhist stuff like meditation or any of that stuff (I THINK he meant meditation, Reiki... he SAID - "you know - that stuff that can help you. what is it - Buddha?_"

And the 100 grats.

And *I* thought group - maybe go back to a 12-step group or something too?

He also said: Just do any little things that feel good - walk, shower, some kind of positive feeling.

And finally, he said, when I kept asking where is there any hope that I will ever feel life is worth living. How is life worth living. And where is there any hope. Finally he said, "At this point, What can make life worth living is the value you have for other people." And he stressed that.
So
I promised to do that. To live that way. For the 2 1/2 weeks until I see him next.

--

others:
I feel that I need to hold onto a hope that J. will be back with me. Somewhere inside.
But I also feel that is unhealthy.
So, after crying out in public everywhere for about over 4 hours, at ww, at bird store, at hfs, in car
and shirt soaking from the constant and I do mean constant tears,
and a little bit of it stopping
then visiting my mother, and finally starting to lose it even then and having to leave so she wouldn't see...
I have come to this conclusion ---
Whether I can ONLY live "for others"
or can in fact someday be reunited with J
or find happiness with another man
or be on my own for the rest of my life
No matter which it is to be,
the way from here to feeling better in whatever-it-is is the same.

Keep eating well and better and better.
Walk outside like I used to, now the weather is so beautiful, especially. I used to do it all year. Didn't question, "What is this worth? What makes it worth living....." Just enjoyed the walking. So did it! Probably 14 hours a week virtually every week of the year. Something like that.
Maybe the foot baths
the facial stuff
keep up my hair appointments
shower daily
look as good as I can
keep up the 100 grats a day. Every day. For real.
Meditation even if 5 minutes a day twice a day.
Get out more. Again. Don't think about the future. For now. Weather nice.. Have car. Have friends. Get out more.
Do little enjoyable things each day.

And O said to me, "It takes WORK to pep yourself up. We all have that. It is hard work to be happy. We have to keep just pepping ourselves up. "How?" We just do.

And she too, spoke of my strengths and good person and so highly functioning. How she has seen me so down and the next day functioning so highly... She finds that extraordinary.

And MA called. Said too how much she values me and needs me and loves me. And how important I am to many people.

It's all out of order, but it is recorded now.

***AND MY BIG GOAL IS TONIGHT - JUST DON'T OBSESS ABOUT HOW FEEL. LIKE THEY SAY IN OA, JUST DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING.

I love you.
If you have even read this, I love you.

Will try to finish grats, and more positively sometime this eve. Is 6:43 here now