1. What if I were to NOT worry about “what it means?” NOT compare it to what I’ve always THOUGHT would have to be, for happiness. NOT worry about the future? I am happy in THIS moment, for example.
2. Wed. now. I am grateful for my mother’s prayers
3. That A considers me his best friend. At least at times and in some ways…
4. Grateful that Dr. supposed to come today and I called because so far behind and wanted to find out – make sure not coming too early. And THAT made me realize I had the date wrong! So could do mother’s bills
5. And very grateful that admitted to her about how bad it’s been and the bills too
6. And getting taken care of
7. And my new plan to do differently and easier and nobody has to worry
8. That I cleaned the kitchen floor
9. And dishes
10. And counters
11. And straightened all the crap in the diningroom. There were a lot of papers but they are in two bags now.
12. And I still have PRESENTS to go through!
13. That my book came today
14. And I can LEGITIMATELY read tonight! I have earned it.
15. I will also read at dinner. At the table.
16. That the l.r. has enough straightened for dr.
17. And I vacuumed the d.r. rug
18. And cleaned the floor
19. And the floor in the lr. Too
20. And birdies are taken care of. As always. Thank God (And me).
21. That I practice some Mendelssohn today
22. And will some Tchaikovsky later probably.
23. And is ok if I don’t. The lovely short but hot temperature bubble bath I just had.
24. This ______
It shows me ideas that remind me that I CAN do SOME special things around HERE.25. And this________
26. And this_______
27. And this________
28. And this________
29. Thich Nhat Hanh
30. That I am actually looking forward TO sitting at the table and eating.
31. The tree. The magnificent oak tree. By the finally for once in a long time opened l.r. window. Phew. Lovely. Breze-moved leaves…
32. I am grateful for the birds singing
33. AND swinging!
34. And for their play station
35. And that they have BOTH taken little baths
36. The fresh milled vegan specialty soap J had brought me as a little gift. It is so soft and smells so nice. Fresh. With the slightest hint of lavender I think.
37. That I am ABLE to take a bath. S in indoor plumbing
38. And a bathtub. There were years when my mother only had a shower.
39. And that I can get in and out of it
40. And that I had the bubble
41. And running water
42. And a clean dry towel
43. That I caught the big major spill in the l.r today before it became a minor “disaster.”
44. My dr. was here. He didn’t think I’d handled things badly with O.
45. AND – said I am not being selfish, but self-preserving.
46. *******I am so grateful for the the very thought of having dinner at the table. I swear I don’t think I have in the years since J. left. Unless someone were here, Like company. A fiend, L when we were dating… Tonight. I am going to. And I am very excited about this! --- This is NOT mine – is from online – but looks a lot like it: ) _______
47. I thkn it was a good session
48. I can see. I will be needing the surgery, I’m sure, as it is getting worse. But I CAN SEE!!!! And I am VERY grateful for that.
49. Am hoping that o and I are not now enemies forever… BUT - WHATEVER it cost me, I DID stand up for myself against mistreatmeng! And THAT’S worth it! I used to never do it!
50. That I feel so much better than the last couple of days
51. M and I are going to the movies Sat night.
52. ***I just ate at the table. I believe I have not had dinner at the table in well over 3 years. Certainly since left at least. Except if someone was here. Company. I just did it. With a magazine, granted… And it felt great. I am so happy about this.
53. I am chatting with A right now. Just chatting. Good
54. I practiced some Rachmaninoff too
55. I made a great dinner. Simple but great. I boiled water and put in a whole small bag of broccoli florets and then in pan put little oil and little Earth Balance and hot pepper
56. The hot pepper meant a lot to me. Because J. didn’t like. And it took me THIS LONG to “GET” it – that I CAN really do whatever the fuck I want. I’d rather be with him, but this is one plus.
57. And to the oil and Earth Balance and hot pep I added a can of green beans.
58. And then very strong garlic tomato sauce
59. Back to the pot of water with broccoli I then added frozen artichoke hearts and - first time ever having - whole grain angel hair pasta
60. Put about half cup of the pasta water into the sauce pan. I always mean to but NEVER have!
61. Then – and this is weird but I was in the mood – I added Indian Punjab Eggplant, yes I did.
62. Then drained pasta and broccoli and cooked it all together for a minute or too.
63. Lovely to look at, different colors of reds and oranges and greens and beige.
64. Delicious.
65. Nutritious.
66. Filling.
67. At the table! (That DESERVES two. It has been YEARS).
68. Happy J didn’t come back. (Yet – I must be honest I still do feel that). Because I waited and waited. For the day (in my fantasy) that all would be well. He would be back and I would write on my blog: he is back. I am well. - - And of course I WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN WELL! And THIS WAY, I’ve been forced to make a choice. Live in shit inside and out, or get well. It is hard and it is very so very slow for me. But it has started to happen. Thank God (and friends and dr and you and self)
69. Friends
70. Dr
71. You
72. Self
73. God!
74. My sweet mother praying for me
75. That I called to ease her mind again tonight
76. Me praying for others too
77. Got some cleaning done today
78. Straightening AND cleaning
79. And took a hot bath
80. My dear ones. The dear birdies. Tweeting and chirping right now.
81. Such happiness they bring me.
82. And I them, I hope
83. I washed their Activity Center today. And the bird bath on it too.
84. And put in on the d.r. table. First time.
85. And they did show some interest.
86. Imagine – one time I might be eating and they might be on that at the table!
87. That I am NOT lying down wishing and praying for deat
88. My deep amazing priceless friendship with M
89. And MA
90. And St
91. And L
92. And A
93. And my mother
94. That I was ABLE to do the things I had to do today. Physically. (And emotionally)
95. That I have more meals in the fridge now in my big pot of veggies with pasta
96. Clean lovely forks. Not plastic like I HAD been using
97. White. I like white and bright. My house is too dark. But I am finding ways to brighten it.
98. My happy trip to the museum with L last week
99. And that AMAZING dinner at Candle 79 oh wow!
100. Every “pet” I have ever had.
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