A Bad Thing That Was Very Very Good

Long story short - and missing parts which BELIEVE ME are NOT necessary:

Bad thing yesterday
THREE friends helped.
Bless them!

One was M.A. my very close (female) friend since 1989.
She said to come there.
I went, ready to stay over if need be.
It was hard to even get to do it - but I promise, that doesn't matter.
Spent some hours there with my dear friend.
She is always there for me, and I for her. (Plus we have a heck of a great time laughing and enjoying life together too!:)

So today, I was okish - a little funk - nothing extreme.
But 3 friends called and one texted (just to chat) and I am mobile - it's not like I'm bedridden or something, so I didn't really feel alone. THANK GOD.

So
LAST NIGHT
*I* had texted W.
*I* initiated.
He is the guy I met through a dating site - met him once - MY terms - in public, at table, with reservation, separate cars...
Nice looking, an engineer, intelligent enough I guess, a little sense of humor, but very - um - dull? I couldn't tell if he was shy, slow, what.

He asked me out for the following Fri and I said yes. He'd said what want to and I'd suggested movie and coffee after (figuring at least we'd have something to talk about, as he - um - doesn't, but it was worth another meeting if just very shy).
He cancelled because had to go away to cousins' at shore or something. It was fine with me. So we moved it back a week.
THAT time he planned this expensive restaurant and a walk along the river.
Nice.
But I had ASKED for a MOVIE!
And - frankly - I didn't know that I really WANTED to walk along the river with him. I wasn't 100% of who he is yet. Plus - a walk AND dinner - is a VERY lot of time to be with someone who almost never talks!
Well - he cancelled saying he had a bad cold and hoped this wasn't "2 strikes against him." I told him relax, take care, get better, no problem.
Two weeks had gone by and *I* texted last night - cute - light - open
And we wound up in a long nice chat with him opening up to me that he is very shy etc. And very attracted to me that I am bubbly and he will stay a gentleman but really likes my body... he was appropriate and funny and nice.
A big strange though. As said was "intimidated" because I have large breasts and curvy legs. I said, Do you MEAN the word "intimidated?" Miriam Webster: intidmidate: to make timid or fearful: frighten; especially: to compel or deter by or as if by threats.
He went on sharing and we went back and fotth
At end he said, "I'm glad we talked. I feel less intimidated now."
(???)

And he asked if I'd like to go to that movie tonight. I really felt too bad about myself, so I told HIM that I had too much to do but next weekend I could.
Anyway, today he texted and said, I'm sure you have plans but if not, I'm sitting around watching football Jets Giants and would love you to join me and hang out. I'd order food according to what you can eat...
I was busy - it was getting late -
He said, you are welcome to stay over. In my bedroom. I would sleep on the couch.

*He had told me he lives in a house, the landlord downstairs and he upstairs.
I thought at his age and after working for so long, maybe he "should" have more, but hey, who really needs more than a one-bedroom apartment...

I went!
He gave me NO DIRECTIONS. Even though I asked.
FINALLY I said, look I'll just mapquest it. He said good, and call if need - I'll be your guide.
I did NOT like that he didn't even give me the fucking directions, but I thought (knowing nothing of football) maybe very exciting game and he knows I'm a big girl and got the place where we met that time which is only blocks from his house....

But I forgot how to get there.
Mapquested.
In car realized it was gonna send me to other side of the town!
Called him.
NO ANSWER!
Pulled over and texted also. No answer either.
WHILE later he called me back.
Told him.
He said yes.
I said I have seconds to decide. Should I get on --- parkway instead?
He said yes.
I did.
I said what exit.
He named the town! I said yes, but there are like 3 -4 exits in that town. Which one? He said the one that goes to the --- building. I said number of exit? He said, Oh. Um. Don't know."
He's at home! I'm on the parkway! Look it up!
Nope.

So
He assumes I'll "find the right exit" and FROM THERE tells me --- street make a right and it's right there.
Um.
I did that.
"It" was two blocks up.
THEN a left.
THEN over a block more.
AND no street lights.
No numbers visible on houses...

I managed (after stopping two people)
but my headlight was out! And I couldn't see well now. And there was a driveway before and after the house, both touching the grass.
So I called.
Said I am in front of your house. My headlight has gone out and it is hard to see. You had said park in driveway. Is it the driveway before or after your house (HE had told me the house was on my right). He sounded confused, and said, "Um. Well. If you're looking at the front door, the front door of the house, it would be on your right."
(Duh - that's before).
Okay.
ALL THE LIGHTS IN THE HOUSE WERE OFF. This freaked me a little.
No car in driveway. Landlord away? Am I to be alone with this virtual stranger? Started picturing abductions... chains... thought - walk to door see how feel
door was open
he met me
VERY AWKWARDLY little kiss hello - like last time - like a 12 year old kiss-virgin
stairway was right in front and i thought, ugh - a 56 year old man who's been working for over 30 years lives where he has to walk through the actual room(s) of the landlord to get to HIS apartment upstairs??????
i said, lead the way:)
he said, looking really dumb - "right here." And there - right 2 feet on our left standing at front door, was a very small l.r. with an ancient icky sofa and ancient tv (I have ONE tv and it is 25 years old and it looks magnificent compared to this). and like a small straw rug and maybe one dilapidated table.
and he said, "the landlord is away at ---"

So i tried to stay open. and i said, i know i'm late, and i apologize, but if you don't mind i'd like to take 5 minutes and put my bag down in the b.r. and stop in the bathroom?
and he said, like i was insane(!). well - the bathroom's right there and just pointed - somewhere.
and i said, and may i put my things down in the bedroom? and he looked - strange - and said ok but it's upstairs.
and led me, apologizing that we had so many stairs to go up (it wasn't! it was normal staircase)
then a landing and it just looked like b.r. doors. Where was the apartment?
and i figured this was his floor, so i said, where does the landlord live?
and he said here - and pointed to that whole floor and downstairs. and he said, i'm on the 3rd floor.
so we went further
and it was
one
TEENY
little tiny "bedroom"
first was this LITTLE hallway with his shirts all hanging in the hall from a suspended rack.
then the tiny little room. 10 x 10?
piles and piles of those plastic boxes like 2x2x3 feet
so many! like all his possessions were in boxes
not a dresser..
and in the back (through an aisle between the boxes) was
a twin bed
against the wall

he just stood there
he said it's a little bit full, the room and smiled sheepishly
i said so i'll put my things here? and took a moment pretending to look in my bad
so he said i'll leave you alone then
and went downstairs

i literally had visions of norman bates
not to mention this room was a fire trap
not to mention WHY THE FUCK was he living like this - not transition - said was here for 3 years or something

i was freaked out and kept remembering colleague who said, always make sure you have enough money or car whatever - if you don't like the feel get out

so i took the bag down and went to bathroom
he was just plopped on couch in front of tv
(HAD sweetly offered to have wine and popcorn for me and what would i like in the morning)

i couldn't
i walked in and sat next to him and said, and i quote, (except the name):
"W. It's not you. I can't stay. The house is giving me flashbacks."
He looked at me and said, "Oh. okay."
I said, "I'm sorry honey." and touched his hand.
He squeezed it a little and said, "Oh. okay."
I got up and picked up bag.
He said, "Oh. You're leaving NOW?!"
I said, "It's not you. The house is giving me flashbacks. Bad. I can't stay."
and i left
drove a couple of blocks and had to pull over to catch my breath.

It was
so
creepy.

And I came home and thought,
how I always think I'm such a loser.
But I'm not a loser.
I support myself, at the top of my profession.
I own a little house.
It needs work but it's not horrible.
It's sweet.
And charming.
And I do my best.
And compared to L (whom I do love as my friend), and W, I am wow wow normal. And these are not serial killers - yet compared to them, I AM normal. And I don't mean this as an insult! I mean it as - gratefulness for all I have.
I just don't feel so bad about myself or what I do or have at all now.

W. just wrote and said "i have no idea what spooked you." I said i don't know that we should go into it and you are a nice man but the house gave me flashbacks. and he wrote back i don't know why. and i wrote back i don't know that we should discuss it and i'm so sorry and don't want to hurt you. if you ever really need to know i'll try, but let me catch my breath first.
so he wrote back it was nice seeing you again. and i guess there's noplace else for us to go. i wish you the best.

i didn't want to hurt him. the house DID give me flashbacks. But ALSO - it was that he lives that way! - oh- and may i say really old house needing TONS of work with like a cushioned toilet seat from like the 1980's. and 2 floors from his "room" just creepy. not clean. icky. I wondered if maybe he is mentally ill or not an engineer at all but from a halfway house or something. I am not making fun. But SOMETHING was so - abnormal. And
I realized
God bless him (and I hope he doesn't find me and kill me) - but God bless him but I don't need other people's crazies right now or ever or anymore.
And - I can do the things around here. They're not THAT bad.
And I'm lucky
and hard-working
and grateful

and
i don't really need a man who doesn't love me either (J)
and
i don't really need to be on dating sites. it may not be right for me

still catching breath
happy got out of there

phew