Long story how the talk came to this but here it is:
If I found out I had 2 weeks to live,
what would I want to do with them?
I KNOW what I would do!
I would call J.
And I would say,
"J, I have found out I have 2 weeks to live.
IF
you can,
WITHOUT it hurting you,
could you find
2
or 3
2-hour periods of time
throughout the next two weeks
to hold me in your arms
Or sit and watch a movie
with my head on your lap
and an arm around me.
That is all I want
out of life.
IF
it would not hurt you."
Honey. I've been thinking a couple of days about how to respond to this. I'm just going to be frank - it worries me. It sounds like you're obsessing over J. again - far more than the time and distance should warrant. It's over. It's been over. And it sounds passive-aggressive (maybe that's not the right phrase - maybe it's more martyr like?) with the "but only if it won't hurt you" comments. If you really had two weeks to live, I hope you would go swim in the ocean, see people who really care about you (and maybe even J., but not in such a desperate way), laugh, eat, say your goodbyes. Please move on, babe. And don't glorify him. He was SO MUCH TROUBLE for you. I remember your final years. They were a hot mess and so were you. It WAS NOT GOOD FOR YOU. Please remember that. The early 'good' years - well, they were a lifetime ago. I hope it's okay I am so blunt, but I just needed to say it. xoxo
ReplyDeleteWow - I dearly APPRECIATE your frankness. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI swear I didn't feel passive aggressive.
Maybe more martyr-like. Yuck.
Maybe more that I need to idolize "someone"... Also yuck.
Hm. Food for thought.
He is not my child.
I owe him nothing.
Why do I still think about taking care of him...
The more he is in my life (has been lately, and not so 100% sure of his decision anymore),
he more I get pulled back.
T*h*a*n*k Y*o*u!!!!!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXXOX
But Honey - just about that "if it wouldn't hurt you" part, please know that - apart from the CRAZINESS of that WHOLE scenario and sobbing day - I would ALWAYS mean THAT. To anybody. I have seen (you probably have too) people on their death beds, extract lifelong promises from others, and I think it's cruel. I'm not calling the dying person cruel. But the event. THAT part I would keep and mean forever. You try to never hurt anyone with your own dying... Just want you to know who I am. But wow - even talking about this brings up how crazily obsessed..... but that is separate issue; shrink today:) TY XOXO
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