Learning

It is irrelevant
It is irrelevant it is irrelevant it is irrelevant.

When I begin to suffer over J, as this am, I must remember that.
It is irrelevant

It is irrelevant
IF J. has a gf or not
Is having sex or not
Will someday marry and have children or not

He has chosen to not be with me

I can only do the best I can
To be the best person I can be
And to have JOY in THIS DAY.
And share it, even, spread it around a bit:)

10 years ago I would NEVER have believed ANY of the things that have happened since
the parts that were joy the parts that were pain

the cancer diagnosis (which turned out to be false)
my mother’s big health event and ensuing 10 years of changed life
little-dog
my new piano
my lessons
my playing at a very fancy rich-neighborhood party! On like an 80 thousand dollar piano!
And them liking it!
O becoming my friend
My break-up with O, my friend and piano teacher, recently
playing in two recitals. After 40 years of not being able to emotionally!
my new principal
my switching grades
and winding up ok there
J leaving me
my moving furniture around
learning to do more things for myself. So many MANY things! little and big
my new eye problems
my relationship with L.
Including sex
Ma sending me that book
My not having doggie:(
My having birdy boys!
My being able to break up with L
My going on a date with W
Having experienced some real joy without J.
Lots of misery too. But I lived through it
MA’s sickness
My deep friendship with M.
Tai chi
Being introduced through it to Thich Nhat Hanh
Going on FOUR RETREATS with him! One in London!
And seeing him in NYC as well
Becoming a vegan
Going to England! By myself! And loving it!
Being part of thousands-of-people sit-in for peace with Thich Nhat Hanh in Trafalgar Square!
And some "ordinary" sight seeing for days!
I could go on and on.

But the point is,
That therefore I cannot predict what will happen in the next 10 years,
If I am LUCKY ENOUGH to have them : )

That I truly wanted and prayed to die....
And then wanted to live...
And then again...
But now am open. To life. Do NOT want to die. Or even be invisible. Cherish life. Am more accepting of its challenges.