J. --- Me -- Mother -- EJ

So

The child of a schizophrenic mother,
the fields of psychiatry and psychology say,
has a harder time
than even the child thrown in the trash can as an infant.

Because there IS no - "bad, done, over, find a way to heal and move on."
It is pull-in, push-away; pull-in, push-away; pull-in, push-away.....
That's bad enough.
But it is also pull-in, push-away NO MATTER *WHAT* YOU DO!
So it teaches you, on a visceral level, that nothing you do has any effect. The lesson becomes that you cannot affect your environment. This is below consciousness. And becomes your true internal belief system.

EJ responding to a recent post of mine. It took such giving to say those things. Courageous and loving and huge.
And they made my stomach feel -

get ready -

surprise surprise -

BETTER!!!!!!

My reactions to J, are about my mother. The pathological: "I MUST be able to get this person to stay." J. is a lovely man. A noble man. A man who is disturbed. Works hard and tries. But is - damaged. Smart, funny, very very very handsome, a great dancer, still can't support himself, honest, brave ... all those things. And there times when he REALLY damaged me. I mean how does a bj from a hooker and resulting syphilis sound? (I didn't get it, thank God!). How does beating me and locking me in closets sound.
How does one night in bed, actually saying to me, "I had such horrifying thoughts of torturing you in the basement, that I got scared." And me being SO BEATEN DOWN BY THEN. SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED AND WORKING SO HARD IN THE DAY AND THIS IN THE NIGHT, that I didn't throw him out. I didn't even leave. I answered, "Are you going to kill me tonight, J?" And he said, "No." And I said, "Good." And went to sleep. WENT TO SLEEP. Assuming and hoping he wouldn't. But literally too exhausted to do or say anything else. BELIEVED HIM. Went to sleep, hoping I'd be alive in the morning. Too tired to care...

Those were early years.
Then came lots of good times.
Then the last years which were not like that, but were abnormal and difficult and a wreck. And I was a wreck.

And even during all the fun
it wasn't - normal.

I have had no normalcy in my home life, almost ever, since birth.

And the two biggest mistakes I ever made about J were:

1. One time, when he had me on the floor and was kicking me, I had contusions all over my belly. Slept at gf's house (St). She was beside herself. Made me a bath, gave me a robe, hot Moroccan tea, etc. A place to sleep.
Kept saying you have to leave him!
And I was actually saying - I was ACTUALLY SAYING - "If he had cancer I wouldn't leave him. This is an illness."
I can't describe to you her frustration.
Her husband, so you get a picture in your head I will tell you: Born in Morocco, educated in Paris, a mixture of both accents, very very soft-spoken spiritual Muslim man of peace and honor and love, came in a few times (I was on l.r. couch). Sat across room. Only said ONLY these words. "No, Lynn. No." And later, at like 4 am, "No, Lynn. No. A man does not do this to a woman."
I BELIEVED - it is a disease. He is my husband. I don't leave him. PATHOLOGICAL!
and

2. Because it turned out he had a drug issue, and he went to meetings virtually every day for 3 years, and never took them again, and turned that part of his life around - the drugs and the hitting -, and teens of years went by and he never touched me that way again, I thought, "I love him MORE for going through that and turning it around. What a big man!"
THAT is not as pathological. But still,...

And the truth is,
no one else lives here now.
Except the little birdies.
And they are quite normal lol.

That means
that no one else is preventing me from normalcy NOW.
Wow.
I never realized that before.
I do now.
Wow.

And
I -
deserve -
better.

Worrying about my future as I watch my own mother decrepitate,
and my being alone
and blah blah blah
fear...
is infuckingsane.
And is no reason to want a man who doesn't want me
Or to want back the man who did all that . . .
and still isn't normal
I guess I grew up being comfortable with abnormal!

I
DESERVE
BETTER


I vow to you,
today will be a good day:)

And I have turned a corner.
I am sure.

PS I had a little loss AND a medium loss AND a big loss in one day the other day and a day of a sort of internal agony. Hours of sobbing. Til after midnight. And it was during that that M was on phone and I said that about J (it came up in something she asked me about if had 2 weeks to live...) And I guess that contributed to pulling me back. Plus my mother had to tell me J's plans for the day, oy. Plus he was on his way over to help with something - HIS offer I didn't ask... TOO. MUCH. J.! And I intend to not let that shit happen and pull me back again. And A. - well that's a long story - too long - but anyway the result is that A. will not get so much of my time it is bad for me. I LITERALLY have great dreams the nights I haven't engaged with him or not for long and nightmares the nights I do.
Hello!
Duh!
Note to self!
...

LAST
That was all bad
Childhood
J
Abnormalcy
blah blah blah
THIS
is
NOW

TODAY I have health and a home and a day off and my birds and my piano and my friends and my books and my car and good healthy food in my fridge
and and and and and

Thank you, EJ. If you see this, know how much I appreciate the hard things you said to me.
I love you

Anyone who reads this - I see in "blog stats" different countries and so on, have a good day. And be happy this one day. I shall...