So then. IF YOU ARE REALLY SUFFERING, READ THIS!

I have always been 100% honest here on this blog (and 99.9% honest irl).
It is SO VERY important to me!

Somehow,
based on comments and emails,
some people might not know how far down I sank.
I tell you here so that it MIGHT HELP YOU IF YOU ARE AS FAR DOWN!

I was in almost squalor here. Not like the tv show The Hoarders, but sort of like that only much much less extreme. Enough though, that I wouldn't have let anyone in!
And regained the 25 lbs I had lost (lost the wrong way of course - it was bound to happen).

And really depressed.
Praying to God, whom I believe created me, to let me die.
STILL haven't slept in the b.r. for months. Sleeping on couch.
Let EVERYTHING go.
Bills mother stuff everything way behind.
Believing that I am just defective and not meant to be here...

Doesn't matter why. Long story short, schizophrenic mother bad bad way to grow up. 20's etc. tried to skip stages I guess, not knowing better. Can't. They will always come back for you:)
Almost 3 decades with J. His problems are more serious than mine! I idolized him anyway. And spent like 28 years part-time tap dancing - am i good enough yet am i good enough yet / and part-time being a self-entitled angry resentful screaming bitch-shrew.

NOW
have 2 things I think can really help me, and they already are.
Each started helping withing ONE DAY

SO I SHARE THEM HERE WITH YOU.

1. is more clean eating. I am a compulsive overeater, so I still struggle with this. But the more of it I do, the better!
I could not do it with "common sense alone." Of COURSE I know fresh organic broccoli is better than a package of crap with a list of 4000 ingredients, dyes, chemicals, tons of sugar and white flour, ....
But what helped ME was this:
The DASH diet. Diet only meaning way of eating. Nothing extreme. And there are a gazillion free Internet sites on it. I liked the dr. oz show on it, which can also be accessed online for free. 1/2 hour (half of a show). I watched it twice.
And then I read and bought and use the book,
*** You do not have to have high blood pressure - I don't - which this plan was started to address, in the mid-90's. And you don't have to need to lose weight because adjust OWN amounts. It is 3 years in a row voted THE HEALTHIEST WAY TO EAT
and major .... .... 's are all over it! No medical agency, no fringe group could be against it.
AND - on another dr. oz show, a different guy not from DASH but similar, said even 90% of the time, which is more like I'm doing. Is great! The book:
The DASH Diet Action Plan
subtitle: Proven to BOOST WEITHT LOSS and IMPROVE HEALTH
by Marla Heller, MS, RD (who was on Dr Oz)

2. My shrink has finally given me (or I've finally heard them lol) 3 simple steps to take every single day.
And I am.
Ok, I missed one step one day but I'm MORE glad for that because not sicko expectations and my step 3 was becoming unrealistic.
Here are the steps. They might help someone reading.
I had become like J. COULDN'T do what had to do each day. COULD. NOT. REALLY COULD NOT. NO ABILITY. Not refusing. COULD NOT FIGHT IT!!!!!!!
Here are the steps right now, I promise:

#1. Get up whenever (I am off from strict work schedule for another week or so). I am allowed to have my coffee first whatever. But early on - GET SHOWERED AND DRESSED AND GET OUT.
His words: "Make the world come in instead of go away
Up any time shower out of house
Cannot hide"
I had been hiding out avoiding life...
I go to the store. No big deal
"Forces me to drive a mile, walk in, smile, walk out. Even if to buy a tomato or a bagel or tea which I could certainly make at home"
This little action of showering and I've been putting on a skirt cause it feels good and seeing hair and face look good... (no makeup or bother sometimes a ring sometimes no jewelry). But like, I wouldn't die if I ran into someone.... has started a change in the day!
So #1 is the same every day. Not sweat pants and run out. Shower. Dress. Get out for short bit even!

#2. Specifically for me, I am to take control of the amount of time I give A. He likes a LOT of my time in chat IM stuff.
Then I start off ins some loop of feeling used, not appreciated, put upon, no time to do anything, will lose friend if don't do, ... and then when HE'S not available I feel rejected and abandoned because I'm almost always there for him... all kinds of sick shit.
For YOU it may mean taking control of ANYTHING where YOU have a need you're not meeting. A 15 minute bath no interruptions allowed. Or say no to a favor someone asks. TELL friend can't talk on phone right now.Get SOMETHING back in your own control on your own behalf.
(His words: "A – take control of it schedule etc. not him"

and
#3. I have 42 million things to do around here (and car and classroom) to make my life bearable. This one is HARD.
I KNOW therapists have said something like it to J.
I THINK - MAYBE mine has said it to me before.
But I have never been able to do it.
Now I am.
Here it is:
You pick ONE THING. By the thing itself NOT by the time. So - NOT saying, "I will work on blah blah for 20 minutes." No. Saying, "I will clear the d.r. table." Or whatever. It HAS TO BE SMALL ENOUGH TO BE DOABLE. Even if only 10 minutes.
**** NOW THE MOST IMPORTANT PART! Hard but MUST DO. ***DO NOT DO MORE. DO. NOT. DO. MORE. You will be tempted. Will start to feel a little better. MUST NOT(!) give in to that. Or blows up big again and the next day will dread and fall back into doing nothing. VERY IMPORTANT.
So, for example, yesterday is the day I skipped #3. And I think I know why! I had, "Clean d.r." Well that is very involved right now. I have a full suitcase and a number of unpacked gifts. And THREE BAGS OF PAPERS! and the table has stuff all over it. And then there's dusting and vacuuming. And that doesn't count cleaning the curtains which are desperate. Or the breakfront. Or the hobby cabinet. For real.
So what happened? I did nothing.
Re-wrote for today.
Clean d.r. table.
That's all.
The FACT is, that this way, the house could take me 6 months, I don't know. But the OTHER WAY, 6 months from now the house will be the same and even worse.
Because of whatever the glitch, and I cannot do it. I cannot do the marathons I used to do (which didn't help in the long-run anyway or I wouldn't BE in this mess).
So - I have had to REMOVE DEADLINES.
Only the REAL ones exist.
I brush my teeth after eating.
I care for the birds of course! (They are innocent, and dependent!)
I pay pills on time enough. JUST enough.
And I will meet work deadlines. No choice, really. But here, NO DEADLINES. Do today's little bit do not let self do more the end.

And I have noticed these changes already in a few days:

*I put on a skirt and top (different of course) and I am fat and I don't care. I look fat in these. I walk proudly. I am cute, I am who I am, I am where I am, I have a right to take up space. I am clean, my clothes are clean, I am smiling, I have a right to EXIST. This is new for me.

*I am so much less depressed and hopeless feeling.

*I am enjoying the moment.

*I am not desperately invested in A.

*For the first time in MONTHS I do not DREAD THE DAY. I do NOT dread the day.

I hope this helps someone.
It is helping me.
:)