I am grateful
# 12 and #56 and # 59!
1.
That since I was
5 years old, reading has BEEN THERE for me. Has been something I love. Has
helped raise the level of my life.
2.
And memories
earlier than that – age 3, 4, standing outside our little 6-unit apartment building
and asking passers-by, “Can you teach me how to do the words?” Because I SO
WANTED to read. My mother put a stop to THAT I assure you – the asking
strangers! Although back then and there, I think it was more about the
bothering them than the thinking they would be a danger to me. I was always out
there with grown-ups after all: my mother, her girlfriends…
3.
And my parents
wishing they could show me themselves, how to read. (But they didn’t know how).
4.
And the loving of
reading all my life (except after first divorce, and again recently.)
5.
But it seems to
be coming back again
6.
Beginning –
finally – to realize EVERYTHING I do does not have to be CONTRIBUTING DIRECTLY
to making the world better…
7.
Trying to live in
the day and the moment
8.
NOT just for
vacations
9.
Sun now. I am
grateful that I don’t feel as bad as when I woke up.
10.
For the thought
that, well, if I feel ready to die, then I have nothing to lose by living.
12.
J and I are going for coffee (tea) soon. I am glad.
13.
Flowers
14.
Colors
15.
Books
16.
My book “The Power” on my laptop (kindle version
although I don’t have a kindle, is readable on my laptop)
17.
Book club day after tomorrow
18.
I look nice (as nice as I can) right now
19.
Cute shoes
20.
Hair
21.
Little makeup
22.
Earrings
23.
Smell good too
24.
WILL shop for my mother later
25.
And myself
26.
Then will cook one thing – maybe 2 – for week
27.
And do one (big) load of laundry
28.
Texted with M for a sec
29.
Wish happy b’day to her little Je
30.
“My” oak tree
31.
“My” birdy boys
32.
Food
33.
Water
34.
Veggies
35.
Organics
36.
Shower
37.
Shampoo
38.
About dime size of mousse that I use
39.
And quick spritz
of spray
40.
Combs
41.
Brushes
42.
Blow dryer
43.
Electricity
44.
Sink
45.
Toilet
46.
Car
47.
Stores
48.
Gas in car
49.
Cash
50.
Credit car
51.
You
52.
EJ
53.
Birdie
54.
JJ
55.
MA just called.
Said, and I quote, “I love you very much.”
56.
I am going to go
to the dr and get these fucking other tests finished with. I must face it. And
if it ISN’T the big C, then I shall have a relief. (And if it were to be, well
ignoring it wouldn’t help – would only make the situation worse).
57.
When J was in LA
and my gf C told me, “Other relationships have gotten back.” And we did. Maybe
we can now.
58.
I THINK after
what I’d toyed with deciding yesterday, that I am going to remove myself from
the dating sites. Just remove my profile. Put all my energy into being the best
I can be. Hoping that by summer something will change with J. If not, I will
THEN be ready for someone else.
59.
But putting the
energy into “being ok alone,” may be keeping myself alone!
60.
I am going to
take care of the other 3 medical issues too.
61.
I must become
REAL.
62.
And TRUE to SELF.
63.
And put my
INTENTIONS where my DESIRES are!
64.
I will do the
health things
65.
And look prettier
and prettier too (continue to)
66.
And play piano
67.
And fix up house
more
68.
I will have fun
with gfs and even birdies and alone
69.
I will continue
to GIVE
70.
And I will keep
my love-life intention on J. My HUSBAND.
71.
This feels
positive and right to me.
72.
And I will stop
thinking of “til summer.” I’ve said it once. Now I will not keep a deadline in
my head – more importantly in my heart.
73.
Sun eve now. Saw
J for 3 hours
74.
Walked around beautiful
outdoor mall
75.
Had tea and he
coffee while walking
76.
He took me into
Swarovski. ‘Cause I hadn’t been and he knew I’d love it
77.
Walked and talk
78.
And sat on
benches
79.
He had lunch
later (I didn’t want)
80.
I had a wonderful
time
81.
And he did too
82.
Nice warm hug
83.
And he said how
good to see/be with me
84.
The whole thing
was lovely
85.
Then I did the
shopping for my mother
86.
And myself
87.
Then visited with
my mother
88.
For two hours!
89.
And she was
peppy! Yay!
90.
And her lovely
aide
91.
Who is as
trustworthy as a daughter.
92.
At end a friend
even stopped in
93.
My mother’s life
is so much more – open – now
94.
And on the way
home, I felt so RELIEVED that I am off the dating sites. Not have to check…
wonder… is healthier for me now.
95.
Then – I came
home and cooked!
96.
So that’s two
Sundays in a row. (I am cooking for like 4 – 8 days in a row on the Sunday)
97.
My breathing is
good lately. So good!
98.
M called
99.
MA called
100.
A and I IMing now
101.
Thank you God,
that this day turned around SO
102.
And for A sharing
with me about abiding.
103.
That you never
know how life will change later. What will come along. You abide. Things can
change. You must NOT kill self. Etc.
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