1. School - great. Hard. Tiring. Stressful. But great! I love knowing that I am helping children. I love when they read to me. I love that I am helping them love and understand math... The safety, learning and fun I help provide.
And - it keeps me out of my own head and navel-gazing.
And of course, it supports me.
2. Mother - declining noticeably. Consistently. But I am aware that I must come to terms with this. This is part of life. For the most part she does not suffer. I am sure she does not have long. She has great care and love. God bless her. God help me to accept. Tears now as I write.
3. J's mother - The Alzheimers is of course, worse. At this point she doesn't know her own name. I found this out last night.
I am mad at myself for all the many many times I have wanted to see her these past few years, but didn't ask J because knew he didn't want me in his family's life. So I am angry at myself for my wimpdom. Then again, I really did have to honor his wishes. And - it would have hurt her and confused her. We are not together... she would have questioned.... So I must forgive self too. IF there is anything to forgive.
4. J. I saved it for 4, but it is still the most important to me. I cannot help it. I know that part of it is real as in the many wonderful things I love about him and about being with him. And i KNOW that part of it is pathological as in it makes me feel alive and like a person and that is NOT what being with someone else should do.
5. Friends. M and I have made up. Thank God.
MA and I are very close. She is declining due to her lung condition, and is working toward getting herself into a place for life. But we are soul-close and I will be there for her. As she is for me.
St: I saw her for 3 hours last weekend. We will keep in touch. Yay.
A: Good friend to me and I to him. Online only though really (although we share friends irl and have met in person). Nothing inappropriate.
W: I am kind of friends with W. We'll see. I think he still wants to date and have sex with me though.
L: A heart-friend after all. We seem to have settled into a sort of routine. He texts and/or emails once or twice a week and we have a good hourlong talk every weekend on the phone. He is dating someone. I am happy about it! I fear for it as I know his patterns, but I am glad they seem pretty happy together now and i HOPE it can last!
O: We are not in touch. But we have an opening. I shall go for a lesson.
D & L my grade-level colleagues: We get along well at work. That's good.
N across the hall at work: I am helping her at her request, learn a habit of meditation. It winds up helping me!
6. Some of the special things I do for students: 2 minute "breathing-game" every morning. 1 minute song every afternoon. This past week was "Breathing in, breathing out," next week is "We are all the leaves of one tree." The week after will be "This Pretty Planet." The week after that will be call and response, "This Little Light of Mine." And so on.
i play piano for them sometimes while they're doing handwriting or something. So far, Chopin Nocturne and Schubert waltzes.
Every Friday pm for about 20 - 30 minutes we do something special that is winding-down for them. This week is was puzzle-mania! Jigsaw puzzles are good for them.... Next Friday when I am not in for i will be at professional development day, I will have tracing paper for them to use for tracing, and patterns for them to color, and free draw paper. Etc.
Centers. Once a cycle (every 6 school days) we have Centers. They range from atlas work to math games to cooperative connections (games) to construction center (building - soon we will be building farm communities and so on) to word play to rainbow spelling... ... ...
Reader's Theater. Part of our curriculum is the study of fairy tales and fold tales. So we will also do the "fractured" versions. As plays. And write some song parodies too!
Some stories. Oh - how they love stories!
Some jokes...
Lots of listening. Trying to give THEM MY time...
7. i can't help it that so many mornings BEFORE I am fully conscious, the words come out of my mouth: "Oh fuck," as I wake up. But I turn it around IMMEDIATELY! Walk to the kitchen for coffee, reminding myself I HAVE a kitchen, I HAVE coffee, I CAN walk, etc.
8. Two nights in a row - or is it three - bad nightmares.
9. Upkeep. I am showered and hair-combed and wearing a little makeup and nice clothes each day for work. I did get the headlight and windshield major cleaning inside and out and tire work on my car. I do keep it full of gas.
My house is STILL messy. But I am working on it!
10. This morning: I awakened badly, after a bad night's sleep. Sat here feeling - um - hopeless about my future? Got in the car! In the dark! Went to Dunkin' Donuts and 7-11. Got a bagel and fresh flavored coffee and a newspaper. First sat in car and meditated for 5 minutes. The whole thing was good for my spirit! I was SINGING on the way back!
Yes, I am MAD at myself for the years I was SO afraid and wimpy and co-defuckingpendent. And couldn't appreciate the early morning time J loved so much.
But I CANNOT undo. CANNOT go back. Can ONLY go forward. Can ONLY be in THIS moment. Only really HAVE THIS moment. "Life only exists in the present moment." Thich Nhat Hanh.
So I try to stay here. And to appreciate.
11. Various and sundry:
Am reading the book, The Light between Oceans. For my book club at school As a way of keeping in touch with colleagues since the layout of our building and our schedule makes it such that we cannot see each other often. It helps me force myself to read, also. Something I have loved since I was a very little girl, but couldn't do after first divorce, and haven't been able to these few years either. Now I am.
Piano - finally got back into practicing - just the other day, at school during the prep I finally had (so many meetings). And a little yesterday here too. Phew!
Today and tomorrow I shall do some cleaning. And of course laundry.
And Tuesday I start exercise. Yay.
Am losing weight. Slowly. Had blood work. Cholesterol fine. Vitamin D low - am taking supplement now and trying to get 10 minutes of sun a day. And sugar high. So serious on the weight loss and not simple sugars foods now!
Dating sites: Some interest. I am mixed. We'll see. Maybe not time. Maybe a little now...
I am DETERMINED to BE. Today. To EXIST. As a PERSON. FULL in myself. Not alone and isolated but full in myself. Hopefully and probably a relationship will follow. But I must be OKAY really really OKAY first. Not perfect. Not waiting forever. But OKAY. Am getting there????? Wow.
12. Blog: I have stayed away because I feel like some people look regularly and must be so disgusted with me.
I do not write poetically here (although I do know how to). It must seem that I always have the same old problems. It must seem like I don't change. I have gotten afraid that I shouldn't share who I am and where I am.... But the truth is, I WAS seriously damaged in childhood. And I DID become really horrible codependent for some years. And I AM embarrassed. BUT - I AM different now. Am growing, changing. Can only be who I am and where I am. And am not miserable all the time anyway! Smile, laugh, give to others, make music, am good friend to my friends, give what I can to my dear mother, am good teacher, love my birdies, etc. So I must be myself and allow myself to exist and show it. Gulp:)
Can't be 30 again. Can't go back. But can be a PERSON, an ADULT, a WOMAN - TODAY.
Bless you whoever reads this.
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